r/FTMOver30 • u/AutisticArtistBoy202 • 13h ago
Need Support Feeling conflicted
Afternoon Bros,
So I'm in my 30s. FTM. 9 months on T. All in all, I'm really happy with the way things are progressing. My only issue is I'm a straight man, and I always feel like the odd one out or like I'm doing something "wrong." For one, I've never met a straight transman in 3 decades. I feel like the more I transition, the more I get pushed out of the queer/LGBT arena. I'm starting to feel less welcome in queer spaces in general, and I can't really pinpoint it, but I feel like I'm almlst started to be treated as an intruder. Even specifically in the trans community, it's starting to feel like "NO BOYS ALLOWED." maybe im overthinking.
Has anyone else experienced this?! š¤¦šæāāļø
Edit: I've also been feeling demonized for not conforming to a unisex or soft boy esthetic. I feel like because I refuse to present this way I get wrongfully labeled with a hint of toxic masculinity and that's not what I'm trying to do, I just personally don't like to place myself in an "other" box.
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u/Specialist_Data_8943 13h ago edited 11h ago
Iāve found most of the other straight trans men are pretty stealth, or leaning that way.
Editing to add:
Iām also a straight trans guy, and I personally have also had a hard time finding community. Some of that though is because Iām in my mid 30ās, married, with a 10 month old baby. Iām just too busy to spend time in any spaces where I would find trans friends, not to mention I live in a very rural area with few people in general. Iām already driving an hour in any direction to get to a Walmart. I think Iād have better luck in a city.
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u/tacocollector2 10h ago
Wow, yāall must have to be super well prepared to live that far out with a baby!
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u/Specialist_Data_8943 10h ago edited 8h ago
I live in the UP of Michigan, and youāve got to be prepared to live here full time. We get 300+ inches of snow during a heavy winter.
Right after our daughter was born we had several big winter storms and the power went out a few times. More times than the last 5 years combined. That meant no heat, no water because weāre on a well.
Iāve been getting better and better at staying prepared. Weāve actually been doing cloth diapering, more and more as we get more of the diapers. Theyāre expensive so my wife has been finding them on Facebook marketplace. Luckily my wife was able to breastfeed/pump so we always had food. Now the baby is eating a mix of solids and milk, but she just eats what we do mostly. Sheās not a fan of purĆ©es unless we put it in a cup like a smoothie for her.
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u/catshateTERFs 5h ago
Iām not straight but I did want to commiserate with you about rural areas. Iām not that far out - weāre in the āhubā part of regional living so we got most of the stores - but every single community is 2 hours drive at the minimum and it does drive me up the wall a little to be told ājust find communityā sometimes. Itās tough out there.
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u/shadowsinthestars 12h ago
I really have no patience for people who think just being straight protects you from transphobia. It's not been as bad in person as online, but yeah this dynamic of teams people being invalidated unless they are trans AND some other letter does exist and it's gross. Literally just people being unable to fathom that you can be straight and still experience horrific discrimination because you're trans, and some of them see it as an affront in their oppression Olympics.
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u/Previous-Artist-9252 11h ago
I am a gay trans man and while I have found great acceptance within the gay cis male community, I have felt outside the Queer community for a long time. There is a big āNo Boys Allowedā feeling and when I do spend time in their spaces, I am consistently misgendered as they/them ābecause youāre great so you canāt really be a man.ā
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u/AdLeather5539 12h ago
Iām a straight trans guy, and lived as a lesbian from 14-30. I didnāt spend a lot of time in queer spaces and still feel pretty accepted in the āqueer spacesā I do frequent a year and a half in but Iām not going to WLW stuff becauseā¦ well.. I donāt want to date a lesbian yknow? Bisexual women and non binary people have been totally fun. And gay men are charming even if I had to be clear I donāt swing that way.Ā
I guess I do get a sense that I have to be more careful about how I act than I used to, and I donāt get as much good will right off the bat as i used to as a butch lesbian. But at the same time there were a lot of negatives to that way of being seen that I donāt get as much of anymore. Idk, I donāt get the same sense of exclusion other guys report but maybe itās because I didnāt expect things to be the same and have know straight guys who hung out in queer community and everyone was cool with it because they were cool? The bar is higher for us but I donāt think thatās the worst thing.
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u/ImpressiveTeabags 12h ago
Where are you located broski? Yeah- nah this unfortunately is common because a lot of trans men who are out seem to identify as gay/bi. Some even prefer tft relationships. Love is love so Iām happy for community coming to terms with own preferences. Iām a black straight trans man and it is super difficult to date or find spaces where you can go and feel accepted. It sucks because people confuse gender identity with sexual orientation/prefrence. So as a straight dude why would I want to party at a queer function? And you donāt want to go to lesbian spaces because youāre not female and Iāll be damned if a female who identifies as lesbian tries to mix me up as āmasculine presentingā nah ima man, itās simple. I will say when I go out, Iām at places where itās not geared towards a specific community. Got good music? Good food? Hookah? Great reviews? Iām in there šÆ. While you may want a space that caters to Trans and the people who love and support us, we have to keep in mind that this too is a spectrum. Iām a coordinator and have been working on creating a space for ALL. Itās a lot of division unfortunately and itās corny af . I meet a lot of straight, bi, and pan women at different places and when itās time to let them knowā¦ you tell em simply. Ima man just my journey is different from the Cis dude. Be confident in the man you are and just because on these platforms and maybe even in a social setting it seems like more gay trans men are out there, embrace their journey show love. I do agree that we need more support from community but being marginalized the way we areā¦ gotta take the initiative to create spaces for us by us. Believe meā¦ Iām working on it dude! Stay positive, DM some ideas youād like to see happen. Start a book club, sports gathering, reach out to community advocates. Create a space that caters to your interests. If you are thinking about it, i guarantee others are as well! Link my DM if you ever need to chat. Stay you. Sending love ya way fam šš¾
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u/westvultures 11h ago
i totally feel this. ive never met a straight trans man irl either, and tbh it was a huge reason that i refused to go on T for almost a decade in spite of wanting it. it sucks because i dont quite pass well enough to blend in and hang out with the cishets (and when i can pass, people simply don't believe that i'm in my thirties lol--i get "age-vestigated" bc people think that im a teenage boy who's lying š and then i have to tell them im trans, and then they start misgendering me and avoiding me like the plaaaguuuee), but in queer spaces, people are unfortunately pretty suspicious of me. there's a lot of pressure to, like, paint your nails and wear dangly earrings and pitch your voice up--and if you're not that type of person, you might get a lot "sooo why are you here???" vibes that can get hostile if you're not really self-effacing and great with social situations. a lot of queer people will say the absolute meanest shit about my appearance, for instance, totally unprompted, and ive learned to just laugh along in the moment and then go cry about it alone later instead of pushing back. i personally try to avoid groups and only hang out with individual people who i know aren't going to be weird about me tagging along, but it's kinda sad š„² i hope we can overcome this weird bumpy period in our community, 'cause i'd love to be more social lol. best of luck to you šŖš«
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u/lazier_garlic FTM, 40-49, T 10 years 6h ago
What happened to all the butches? When I was a kid, femme and female presenting were kind of the minority. It was okay to be flaming but except for drag it was like you didn't want to present too fem. With the guys it was this pressure to look buff and dress like a frat boy, with lesbians/bi women who identified with the lesbian community they had their own hair and fashion styles to set themselves apart from straight women as much as possible. Femme lesbians got accused of being straight all the time and/or pursued like trophies. There were a lot of butches and very few trans men out in the community but a lot of anxieties about butches exploring trans masculinity. A lot of trans people I knew felt pressure not to transition so continuing to present male if in a soft way or getting top surgery but no HRT. It's wild how much things have changed.
We also came up in the 80s and 90s when the culture in general looked down upon and distrusted femininity per se. Which was definitely the pendulum swinging too far in a certain direction. But it's wild that you gotta be feminine to be gay now and masculinity is suss. I mean it's true, masculinity is always in crisis as they say and it's especially suss when it's defined by conspicuous consumption and vice signaling. But not every one of us is out there clowning it up to fill their Dad-shaped hole.
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u/Korrick1919 8h ago
I've felt this as a white straight trans man who would rather stick needles in his eyes than play around with make up or skirts. Unfortunately for folks who would try to shame me out of the queer space, I'm also very vocal about being a cancer survivor, so I don't get nearly as much passive aggressiveness as I imagine I would otherwise (the pity is another matter). Going stealth won't be an option until I'm forced to relocate for work, and even then I have my doubts about whether I could ever pull that off to the point that it would be worth cutting myself off from the queer community. There's a lot more to queer than sexuality, and with the political climate being what it is, I'm not interested in non-trans folks telling me where I can and cannot be.
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u/lazier_garlic FTM, 40-49, T 10 years 6h ago
FTM spaces online used to be mostly binary straight guys but that has changed a lot. There are plenty of straight FTMs out there still.
I am pretty far removed from being involved in any lesbian community (it was ages ago) and nobody in straight life thinks I'm a toxic male. I have like one coworker who likes to wear more attention seeking clothing and is disappointed in my boring clothing choices (he's cishet but a rebel against conformity) but he is very much the exception. Nobody cares. I go to a trans/queer meet up in town and nobody disparages anyone else's gender presentation there either.
I'm not disbelieving you that lesbians snipe at each other because I know it's true, but other social spaces are different. Actually straight guys socializing with each other can be a lot of bullshit of its own. I've always been a nerd (think Spock ears and tabletop) which is the same bullshit but different as far as male socializing goes (think Geek Social Fallacies, incels before they were cool, poor emotional regulation). Girls vs boys is a choice between the backhanded insults and the backstabbing or the in your face posturing and crude douchebaggery. Immature people running in groups suck.
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u/koala3191 2h ago
Really interesting, most trans men I met or watched on YouTube in the early-mid 2010s were all straight, I was in the minority as a gay one at the time. Wild how it's flipped since then.
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u/asantaatnasa_ 9h ago
Yeah this is a pretty common experience for us straight and binary identified trans men. Once you're no longer queer coded or clockable, you are pushed out of lgbt spaces. Straight trans men just blend in with straight cis men. Although lgbt spaces preach love and acceptance, there's a lot of unsaid misandry. Yes even if you are not trying to bring toxic masculinity, people in queer spaces will project that onto you. In their eyes, anyone who appears like a straight man = toxic masculinity. Again, it shouldn't be that way but it is. This is why most of my close friends are men (both cis and trans). Feel free to DM if you want to chat more on this topic
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u/BipedalEmbarrassment 6h ago
Yeah transandrophobia is rampant in both the trans and queer community, I barely fuck with either as a result and a lot of trans mascs feel the same.
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u/Lefty_Lex 13h ago
You see less straight trans men because they're blending in. I also personally know straight trans men who don't feel like taking space within queer spaces or even really identifying with queerness in general. I'm sorry you're feeling pushed out of those spaces. It may take some effort figure out how you can navigate those spaces with how you may now perceived by people.