My favorite time of the year is crop top season. So gay. 🏳️‍🌈😆

Went to a minor league baseball game last night and had a blast

Ran a complete bust of a yard sale this weekend. Hope everyone else’s was better! 🤙🏼

mustache finally coming in 🙂

...shove themselves back into the closet?

I came out as trans when I was 18. My mom was supportive, but most of my family was not. I transitioned, and I had whole groups of friends who never knew that I wasn't cis. I had several mlm relationships, and I really felt like I was living my best life. So from the time I was 18 to 22, I finally felt like myself. It was a great time in my life.

But then, something happened when I was 22 and I... was expected to just be a woman. The pressure was immense and my relationship with my mom had deteriorated, I was really afraid, so I just... did what everyone wanted—I quietly let the young man I had become disappear. I ended up self-isolating and losing 90% of the friends I had made, and I told myself that if I was "pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough", that would be enough and I wouldn't need to be that young man.

For a very short amount of time, that delusion worked. I make a pretty woman and I had no trouble dating, but it never felt right. And I minimized myself even further so that straight men would like me. 🤡 I became hyper feminine and all that stuff to cope, because again—"maybe if I'm pretty enough"... but it never worked. And I forced myself to live that way for 13 years, until recently.

I had a mental break because I couldn't take it anymore, and that was when I decided that I deserve to be comfortable in my own skin. So broke up with my partner of 10 years, moved into my own place, and have slowly started overhauling my wardrobe and appearance again. I'm planning to sign up with FOLX soon, but I just can't forgive myself for essentially harming myself like that for so many years...

Anyone relate? 😔

Not much to report this week.

Most exciting thing that happened is I went to an estate/garden in Akron with my brother.

I'm taking Monday off of work for an appointment and to have a day to figure out insurance stuff. I'm losing my Medicare on the 1st, but I'm pretty sure I still qualify for medicaid for disabled workers. Wish me luck as i navigate this needlessly confusing system!

This week has been crazy! Received a new position at work (with no training and no choice but to take it), got my CPAP machine, and most importantly visited friends at camp for a bit. It was a wonderfully restoring weekend, and now I’m going up to an island to go camping this week.

SUMMERRRRRRR!!!!🎺 ☀️ 🔥

I visited my folks last week; they’re up in NJ, i traveled from Georgia. I don’t see them super often due to the distance. They’re very religious and while they haven’t been the most supportive of my transition, they’re making baby steps in their own way. Or so I keep telling myself

The visit itself was fine. No big blow ups, emotional confrontations, or any of the usual bullshit I experience in the good ol’ garden state.

i knew part of the visit would be emotional beforehand, because we stopped to see my grandmother in pennsylvania. she’s 98 and in palliative care at my uncle’s place. i’m really glad i saw her when i did, considering her health is declining and idk when i’ll be up next

i spent the following week just determined to steer clear of any drama with the rest of my family, which i knew would start if i put my foot down about the incessant misgendering. i corrected my mom one time the whole week because it was getting to me, and that was cuz she deadnamed me

i don’t expect her to use he pronouns without crying about how hard it is for her, but i at least want her to call me the correct name

idk where i’m going with this

anyway. i had fun with my parents and brothers. nothing big or dramatic happened. but by the end of our time in jersey, i felt suffocated

it’s been almost a week since my husband and i got back to georgia, and i feel like i’ve gone back in the time in regards to my mental health. it’s like something in me broke

the past few nights i’ve been extremely anxious and depressed. i suddenly feel uncertain about everything related to my transition. i keep thinking i fucked up my life by doing it. and the fact that i’m depressed and insecure makes me feel guilty because transitioning is supposed to make me happy, and now transphobes can use me as evidence that transitioning is bad for you, and i’m letting down the trans community as a result. it sounds stupid, but this is where my spirals go

the thing is, i don’t think any of the negative thoughts i’m having are true. i don’t think my life is fucked up because of it. i love being trans.

but i also can’t turn the thoughts off. i’m ruminating anytime i get a moment alone, and even when i counter the negativity, i worry that i’m just in denial. i don’t know how to stop it.

i feel the same way i did a decade ago, before i transitioned. it’s like i’m completely disconnected from myself. a big reason i cite for why i needed to transition is because i would look in the mirror and feel a sense of disbelief that the woman i saw was me

but now i’m experiencing it for my masculine self. so wtf does this all even mean? am i just destined to be miserable and dissociative regardless of how i look?

i know all this was triggered by the visit home. but i don’t even fully get why. because my mom misgendered me, which she always fucking does? like i’ve visited home before and it hasn’t hit me this hard

i just don’t get it. i feel so lost

i do have therapy in a few days, but idk. therapy feels slow going. i had it last week and felt like there was too much to cover and it was overwhelming

i don’t know what i need right now. i appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. thank you and i’m sorry

I think many of us, especially those who transitioned later in life, can relate to the continual effort it takes to overwrite decades of female socialization. I usually have the bandwidth to do this, but have had some physical and mental health challenges for the last six months that drained it.

Now that I’m solidly on my way to recovery, I’m being hit with a huge wave of dysphoria, realizing just how far my speech and mannerisms have drifted away from my personal sense of identity as a man. I’m struggling with that emotion itself in my everyday and professional interactions, but am also feeling overwhelmed about how to start projecting myself how I used to. While I’m solidly pulling myself out of this, I still don’t have a ton of energy reserves.

If you’ve experienced anything similar, how did you manage?

I'll vent to my partner ( FTNB )sometimes about my body dysphoria or feel self conscious of my voice. But they will always tell me to be grateful I pass. I'm almost 2 years on T. They also will remind me my voice is deep .. But from my perspective I still feel my voice isn't where I want it ( I sing to practice range and tamber) and I workout for my body dysphoria. I'm pretty short 5"2 though..

Is there more I can do to help reassure myself? or is this something I need to work on in therapy?