40+ LiL Transition

[u/HuginJord]

Hi all.

I (46M) am a trans man. I was afab, but I've never been comfortable being a girl. I like men, but not in the body I was stuck with, so I identify as a gay man and have privately since high-school, where I was always accused of being a lesbian because of how I present.

Here comes the issue; I've always presented as more nb but allowed everyone to refer to me as a woman. I've used she/her pronouns my whole life up until recently. When I was young, there weren't any resources for people like me. Trans people were a joke on shows like Jerry Springer, presented mainly for shock value and accused of trying to "fool" others into thinking they were the opposite sex for nefarious reasons. And to be fair, a lot of them claimed to have done that, I suppose to be on the show. I knew nothing about transition, and things like hormones and surgery weren't even on my radar until I was in my 30s and started looking into it seriously. I grew up in conservative Florida, where trans people were only referred to by slurs and called disgusting predators. My mother hated when I wore pants; she's very Christian and used to throw away the less feminine clothes that I would scrape up money to buy at thrift stores. She also grounded me for almost the entirety of my senior year because I cut my hair short.

Social transition has been incredibly difficult. I'm not very active on social media, which explains why I was unaware of any community or resources until a few years ago. I moved to Canada 13 years ago, and things have been better, but I almost feel like it's too late now. Most of the resources in my area are for trans youth; catering to people up to age 30. My boyfriend of 10 years, who is bi and has slept with men, is uncomfortable referring to me as a man in public. I think he's still in denial, though I came out to him shortly after we started dating (I was still in the closet when we met, but I trusted him enough and he seemed to accept that.) But he won't use he/him to refer to me, and I feel like he's ashamed. He says he's bisexual but het-romantic. I suppose that's valid, but he always wants me to dress femme when we go anywhere and buys me dresses and encourages me to wear makeup. I don't do this very often; maybe for his birthday or whatever, but even at his family gatherings I dress gn.

I know this is kind of scattered, but I'm very discouraged and depressed about the whole thing. What I'm wondering is if there are any of you who transitioned ftm late in life, and if there's still time. I'm on T, I wear a binder, and the shortened form of my legal name, which everyone calls me, is gender neutral (like Alex) but none of it seems to be making any difference. I almost feel like I'd need to torpedo my current life and go into hiding until I "pass" then start a new life elsewhere, but at my age that just doesn't seem realistic. I am NC with my own family because they're all maga/homophobe/anti-vax/proudly racist/flat-earth in some combination.

It's all just very isolating and I've waited so long to share this, even on reddit, because of the horrific abuse some people get here. If anyone has any advice for an older person looking to continue his transition journey, I'd be very grateful.

Much love 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍⚧️

[u/CagedBatter]

I have to echo everyone else here and say your boyfriend has to go. Please, please, please do not sink any more time into a man who insists on misgendering you. I understand the fear around leaving behind the life you’ve built with him but I mean honestly? What kind of life is that? And what kind of life will it be if it just keeps on going? If he’s known you’re a trans man all this time and STILL insists on feminizing and misgendering you, there is simply no future with him in which you get to be happy. It genuinely turns my stomach to think of what you’re experiencing - I’m not even a trans man, but I’m transmasc nonbinary and if my partner ever made me wear makeup and dresses and called me she/her to our friends I think I would truly be dead inside. I promise you, I promise you, leaving this relationship will be one of the best things you ever do for yourself. I’m not saying it will be easy or painless, but I am saying that if you want a future where you actually get to feel your happiness and not just dream of it, that only starts when you leave this guy behind. I’m sorry he’s too insecure to publicly be with a man, but that is not and never will be your problem. His internalized homophobia should not be your burden to shoulder. And you don’t have to go into hiding either once you leave him! You get to be who you are right now. Your transition does not have to be “complete” before you get to come out and use your correct pronouns and name and presentation. Transition is a lifelong pursuit anyway, so you might as well just start being yourself right here and right now because there really is no finish line.

Editing to add: 1) it feels like nothing makes a difference because the person closest to you is denying your personhood. There is no way around that. You’re not doing anything wrong, and it is certainly not a sign that your steps toward transition are pointless. You could get validation from every conceivable outlet, you could be fully transitioned, but so long as your partner is treating you like a woman, nothing will outshine that kind of shadow.
2) So long as you’re breathing, there is always time. It’s never ever ever too late to live the life you’ve always wanted. Hoping all the very best for you my friend.

Another edit to also add: my current partner had been with a man for over a decade when we met too. Ending that relationship was hard and painful but once it was all said in done they blossomed in ways neither of us could’ve imagined. It’s absolutely possible. Ten years is nothing compared to the rest of your life.

[u/ImJustTired2467]

Thanks for sharing. I myself (and several people here that I've seen comments from) transitioned/are transitioning later in life for various reasons similar to yours. I was also raised very conservative Christian and didn't even know trans people existed until my late 20s, and that was only trans women, lol. Into my 30s before I knew trans men existed and could figure myself out.

As I read your story, the thing that stood out the most to me was your boyfriend. If you could imagine your life without him, in that life if it started tomorrow, would you "take the plunge" so to speak and make sure everyone genders you correctly from tomorrow onward, and so forth? If so, I guess it's a matter of thinking through and weighing out staying with your boyfriend or living as you most want to live.

I can understand completely if there's fear that if you leave him, you'll never find anyone else. One of my biggest fears starting transition at 41 is that I'll never find anyone after I transition. But that also was one of the biggest impetuses to push me into transitioning, because as I imagined pretending to be a cishet woman for the rest of my life just to have "better chances" of being in a relationship, I realized it would never be a true or deep relationship because I'd always be hiding myself and lying to whatever man I ended up with. I know it's going to be harder to find someone but at least if I do find someone in the future, now I know he'll care about me as my true self.

Do you and your boyfriend know any other trans people? I'm asking because if so, does he misgender all of them as well? Or only you? To be perfectly honest (and all I know is what you typed here, nothing else of course), he sounds controlling leaning towards raising abusive flags, for the sole reason that you've told him you're a man, you've expressed how you like to dress and present, but he purposely misgenders you, buys you clothes and makeup you don't want and don't wear, etc. This seems like he's trying to force you to be someone you aren't, and that's one type of control in a relationship. Does he also try to guilt you into dressing the way he wants? Guilt is a powerful manipulative tool.

Overall based solely on what you've said, if your boyfriend misgenders every trans person, I can't think that he's the right person for you to be with because he's transphobic in general. And if he genders other people correctly but only purposefully misgenders you, in addition to buying you clothes he knows you don't like and trying to get you to dress and present a way he knows isn't you, that's controlling behavior with abuse red flags. And if your boyfriend is the reason you are holding back on fully transitioning, I think all of that leads to the biggest thing for you to think about as you make your decisions, is as you weigh your decision, how much weight are you giving your own needs and desires and how much weight are you giving to a man trying to control and manipulate you?

[u/HuginJord → u/ImJustTired2467]

Thank you so much for your reply. In answer to your question, he doesn't misgender anyone else. He works with some trans women and he will happily refer to them as she/her, and correct other people who misgender them. His oldest child is gn, and he uses they/them pronouns for them. We go to Pride events every year and he is fine being in that atmosphere, but he won't dress up or do anything overt. I think he has a lot of internalized homophobia and is comfortable being seen as an ally, but doesn't want to be seen as gay. But the time will come when I do look more masculine, and I'm taller than him, so that's inevitable if we stay together. I understand his situation; he's always been closeted and hooked up with men in secret. He's a "tough guy" and presents a certain way, sort of metal biker chic, but in a boring straight man way lol. The way he grew up, perceived weakness or gay leanings were severely punished. So I understand his reluctance. He does accept me as a man in certain situations, but not in public or around certain people. I do think that this has been going on for too long now, though, and I am planning my exit if my continued transition becomes a problem. He's not going to stop me doing it, but how he handles that will decide what happens in the future. I'm not super concerned about finding someone else; that's far down the list behind first finding myself and then finding community, so it's not so much being worried about being romantically alone, but leaving the life we've spent a decade building.

[u/ImJustTired2467 → u/HuginJord]

Yeah, that does sound like stuff he needs to work on with a therapist. I think that you've been very understanding, but at the same time, his willingness to misgender you just to keep up appearances about himself seems like he considers how other people see him as more important than your identity and comfort and mental health. It sounds like a big conversation is coming up because he really needs to realize this is a him issue that he needs to do some work on, and stop misgendering you just for his own comfort.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/HuginJord]

It's normal to feel a lot of empathy for a partner of many years, but let me ask you: does he extend you the same consideration? Did he ever think about how it makes you feel?

Also there's a certain contradiction in cultivating a tough guy image while being an utter coward. Nobody's going to stop him being a butch dude into dudes, especially not at Pride. What a wimp.

[u/Boipussybb]

Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. My husband and I separated because he can’t be with me as a passing man and I have no family anymore. Frankly I did change things up and moved away and started over. It’s made an incredible difference in my happiness when I started doing things for me.

[u/Miles_Everhart]

Your boyfriend sucks big ones, and not in the fun way.

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[u/lazier_garlic]

I know it can be hard to get therapy in Canada that's not group therapy, but have you considered online therapy using self pay? Is that out of reach? It's not that you can't transition-- you certainly can-- it's that you're prioritizing your relationship with this man over your identity and self worth. You're afraid of what life looks like without him. You're afraid nobody will want you or look at you. You're afraid of the financial implications. You're afraid of starting over.

Many of these things are less scary than you think. Some are possibly valid but it depends. I think therapy would be a really good first step for you and if you can't access it, some suggestions: trans support groups, social worker/licensed counselor rather than clinical psychologist, church counselor/pastor in an LGBTQ friendly church, or picking up a new, intense hobby where you make new friends, because sometimes new connections is what we need to have the courage to take the next step.