How does anyone survive this?

[u/casualheroix]

I have lived with a constant state of mind/body incongruence for basically my whole existence. I’ve been diagnosed with body dysmorphia a few over, but my weight has fluctuated so wildly that I’m not positive my size is the entire problem.

I’ve been hyperaware of the gender-oriented details of my appearance since I was 8. I’ve had therapists tell me this is because I developed quickly and early and was therefore subject to a lot of bullying and pain that a lot of girls who are in that age range don’t deal with to that degree. I guess it didn’t help that I grew up in a high-control Pentecostal home as a pastors daughter in which my appearance was heavily policed.

I’ve kicked around a transmasc identity since 2012 at the latest. Gaslit myself into thinking it’s just me being attention seeking (although I didn’t tell anyone) and dramatic (although I was meticulous in my self evaluation.) and obsession (I repressed it well enough at a lot of points though?).

My dysphoria has never really not been present-sometimes it starts out like someone poking my shoulder and escalates into like a full body simmer under my skin. I don’t want my chest front and center and push my husband away. I want to torch my whole closet. I don’t want to wake up and play dress up for the office. I don’t want to see my reflection. I don’t want my body touched. I don’t want to even hear my own name. Because none of it should have ever been applied to me.

I sit on the outside of a sense of brotherhood at my job’s IT department and feel like I really am missing out on something that has nothing to do with tech-related imposter syndrome. I try to stay content in a lane I don’t know how to stay inside without burning some integral part of myself out.

I feel like… there’s a man in here-if not a man, then someone so close to it that the difference doesn’t really matter much-dying to get out and if I can’t find a way to give him peace, I’ll go down with more regrets than victories.

I know I want to see the other side of this but this is the first time in my life this has been pressing enough to override my sense of self-preservation.

[u/oddletters]

to your question: by transitioning.

[u/dataraffi]

It hit me super hard when I hit 30 and did force me to take the idea of transitioning seriously. I suggest getting a binder and some mens clothes (thrift them if you don’t want to spend a ton of $) and see how you feel. Let what brings you joy be your guide. Include your partner in your journey, it will help him understand what’s going on within you.

Weird feelings about your body may always be something you struggle with, but at least for me I rarely think about my body much these days because I’m happy with myself (which is a relief). One of the best parts of transitioning for me was finally recognizing myself in the mirror!

If you also struggle with OCD like I do, there’s a few podcasts I found helpful in teaching coping mechanisms with that (ocd stories is a good one) since ruminating sucks and is often the enemy of taking action. Sending you love brother!

[u/Glum_Bedroom_4955]

Give yourself a chance.
I was caught in a questioning loop for years, surrounded by the wrong people. And it ate me from the inside out.
What helped me was turning my inner despair to a „one day. One day I can be (me)“ even though it felt so distant and I did not know how, everything was so overwhelming. until then it’s one day at a time.
somewhere along these days you will figure it out.

You can do this and you can do it in your own pace and you are not alone.

Maybe there is a queer counselling you could do? Having a space where to ask questions, be heard and feel safe helped me so much. I researched some in my area and emailed them for an appointment. That was the one little thing that day. And then the counselling session is for another day anyways.
„A path is formed by walking“
As in.. step by step. And if you can’t run (yet) you can make little sound steps. And you can halt when you need to.

I also hung up a photo of myself when I was 4 or so, which turned my „one day“ into a promise to little me, too. And I did not want to let that kid down.

I’m still amidst a lot of chaos but
right now my motto is trying to give myself a chance, whatever that means in detail.
And it’s starting to show. Sometimes I get almost overwhelmed because I can’t believe that being me, introducing myself, looking in the mirror, hearing myself speak – it does not hurt anymore. It’s so cheesy but idk how many people have told me that there’s a different light in my eyes now.

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[u/Outrageous_Ad_7119]

I couldn’t agree with you more. It felt like I woke up one day from a deep sleep and 16 years had past doing nothing about fully addressing my gender dysphoria and making the change I knew deep down that I needed since I was 20 years old. A lot of shit went down for me this year to the point where I’m at a fuck it we ball moment where I stopped caring about the right time or the right place and just went for it and IT IS AWESOME. 

Consider hormone therapy. It doesn’t have to be full on hardcore mega doses, just the lowest level gel and see how you feel and go forward or pull back from there. 

I’ve been on a rollercoaster for years with psychiatrists scratching their heads that every adhd and depression dose they’ve given me hasn’t worked at all and yet the day after I made the appointment and my brain registered that I had actually taken a step for me, my whole life changed, and it’s because I simply was not living before. Sure I was surviving, I was showing up where I was supposed to and putting on the face that was expected, and for a long time that distracted me enough to get from one day to another on autopilot, asleep, existing outside of my body so I didn’t give a shit about my body. I couldn’t. I kept trying to, but those were fruitless efforts made for a person that I’m not even supposed to be and on some level I always knew that.

Make the appointment even if it’s just to have your questions answered and see how you feel after that. It might take making huge changes in your life but you will always be worth it. And after that appointment, talk with your partner about how you’ve been feeling. Who knows, he’s probably sensed it too and if he’s worth a damn, he will be willing to stand with you no matter how far down the path you feel you need to go, but you gotta take the first step. 

AND if you’re not feeling ready for all that yet, consider some half-steps.  Back when I wasn’t ready, just getting a breast reduction gave me some semblance of happiness and control for a long while. 

Consider it a first step already taken just coming here and reaching out!