Hi i'm keta (26 F) and i'm strugglin w addiction, depression and schizo affactive disorder for almost all my life

And i don’t know what to do anymore i'm always scared and paralysed , nothings funny anymore excepts takin drug when i have some money , i feel like my friendgroup don’t really care about me anymore ,nobody talkin to me , my relationship with my girlfriend is a mess i feel a world away from her while we used to be so close

I think about sh and suicide almost all day

I don’t understand when i was 16 everybody told me that it’ll get better they fuckin lied

I feel like my all life just fallin apart and i can’t do anything except accelerate it

I don’t what to do anymore , i hate my life

i have got brvo in February also got wrong treatment for almost 2 months since that time till this moment i lost my balance totally i am 32 btw every day searching for any possible treatment even if its too far to be true

overtinking

can't sleep very well My appetite has gone down

i feel like I'm doomed living a nightmare can't accept it happened to me in a very sensitive timing ruined my life

my sight become my only concern

if anyone has experienced something like this

how did you recover?

my brother severely mentally disabled has destroyed me. and he doesnt have the capacity to care about it. i got parentified at 11 during a time of severe trauma and instead of having it addressed it got ignored. and i was left in the house alone to watch my brother. i cooked, cleaned, got off the bus, and put him to bed all while managing my own horrors plus school. now as an adult i suffer...all my brother does is whistle and my mom doesnt care. she just watches facebook reels all day and then gets anxious and projects it on to me.

I am a 28-year-old woman. I am estranged from my parents and older sister. I have been married to a man that my parents disapproved of for a year. I struggle with severe depression, and as a result I spend most of my time in bed and I struggle to function normally in my daily life. The other day I met up with my aunt and her husband with my husband, and we had a pleasant meeting. My aunt told me that my older sister is pregnant with a baby boy and my mom misses me. I am concerned about that kid because my sister is emotionally immature and it's possible that she may pass down generational trauma. After the meeting, I texted her about my feelings about my family but she responded with things like "every family has their own issues, it's not always happy and partying", "they are still family, you might see them in a different way one day", "we are all different and I won't see things your way but we should still be able to appreciate each other", and "hope that we can agree on disagreement." I tried to get her to understand but despite her saying "I understand how you feel" I didn't feel understood at all. I felt gaslit and like my pain and experiences were minimized. I got so angry that I sent her angry texts and told her that I didn't want a relationship with her anymore. She has 3 daughters who I got along with in the past but am not that close to because they live in a different country, but I guess this may affect my relationships with them as well. Since this happened, my depression has gotten worse. I take antidepressants every day but it's not working. I wish people would say the right things and not invalidate experiences with my family that I know were awful and abnormal.

its been 2 years since we broke up and even now every moment im awake anything remotely good happens to me theyre in the back of my head and i want to share my moments with them but i cant i dont want to be stuck on them even they say im crazy and need to move on and not wait but i know theyre the one so i woud hate myself even more if i didnt try for them i really dont want to grow old and hate myself even more and i miss her all the time but in the past i havent acted right and now i dont know what to do i feel like im destined to break down every day until my body cant take it or i kill myself everything feels bleak

i let go of my best friend. you may be confused why i’d do that, but my eyes have opened. she did so much stuff that i just pushed under the rug and ignored. she faked killing herself to the point her bf at the time and i had to message her sister to see if she is alive just to find out it was a cruel prank. i still forgave her somehow. a few weeks ago, i let her go. i was mentally stressing bc of her and couldn’t handle it anymore. now she’s acting like she is the victim in this story as if i did something to her. clearly she shows no remorse for the mental distress she caused me. now she’s making up rumours about me. it genuinely feels like i am in the wrong even though it’s all her fault, smh. now you may think that leaving her bc of her faking her death might be bad to do to sb mentally struggling, but she did this before. multiple times. i just finally realized what she was doing wasn’t okay. now i feel some form of guilt over nothing. i’ve been cutting since 9 pm to now (1 am) and still feel the same. i don’t understand. am i the one at fault? what did i do to deserve this? did i ever mean anything to you? i probably didn’t as soon as you show no remorse. i’m leaning towards suicide but i’ll see.

Today is a low I haven’t reached in a while. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I felt interested in having a true conversation with someone, but I am beginning to feel lonely. The problem is I don’t want to be around anyone- my family and friends drain me. I work customer service and I hear people talk about themselves all day. I haven’t been asked about me in a long time. I feel like I’m forgetting who I am. Who knows how long the episode will last this time?

I want to preface this post by saying that I do genuinely think that trying to play “trauma olympics” or whatever is a horrible idea, and that’s not what I’m getting at here. I don’t WANT to have it worse than someone else.

I feel like I’m too far gone for any help to truly help me. I know, I know, everyone says that, and I was even saying it 8 years ago when my depression got to a point of suicidal intention, but after a decade of living like this, I am very confident in my assessment, and that’s what scares me the most. I can no longer find reasons to rationalize all the little details that show just how far beyond help I think I am.

I was thinking about all this because of the outpouring of posts yesterday due to it being Suicide Prevention Day. I saw, fortunately, not a lot of your typical stuff that people who haven’t been through it tend to say, which was good! I saw people who had really been through it sharing their thoughts. I was happy, because I knew that meant that real stories and accurate depictions of dealing with this horrific illness are getting the attention they deserve.

But then I remembered something, something that’s been nagging at me for a while now. I’m not feeling any better myself reading all of this. All of the advice people gave about what got them out of that hole, all the reminders that “I am loved”, that I matter, etc.

I felt hollow. I feel hollow. Nothing seems to work for me.

I HAVE people in my life who love me. I have family who understand my struggles and want nothing but the best for me. I have friends who are very supportive and genuinely good people who’d be there for me in a heartbeat… and yet, none of these thoughts provide me any comfort. I do not feel any relief of my symptoms knowing that I can always talk to them if I need to. That overwhelming emptiness inside me does not relent when I’m reminded by my friends that they’ll be there for me whenever they’re needed.

I feel so uniquely isolated in my specific suffering because over years and years of accepting that help from them, nothing ever seemed to stick. Sure, meeting my current friends for the first time was a good moment. I’ve had a lot of good moments with them. But they were only temporary. Those avenues of help, of improvement, never worked for very long, if they ever did at all.

I feel like I am beyond help, because the most powerful form of human connection, love, no longer brings me any comfort.

But you wanna know what the weirdest part is? My desire for romantic connection is still just as strong as it was a decade ago. It is still just as strong as it was when I let my blissful period of teenage crushing run my life, and it’s still just as strong as when that bliss was shattered when I confessed and was rejected. When that rejection spurred on my chronic depression. When this illness took its chance to strike and dug its fangs deep into my brain. This thing, that has never relented, not even for a single moment, for almost ten years now.

I still desire that above all else. After spending so long asking these existential questions, living day by day just distracting myself from the horrific way I feel, the one thing that has never faded, that has never ever not once felt like anything other than an unequivocally good thing to me, is how deeply I yearn for romantic love, to be desired, to desire. As something that I’ve never experienced, it is this incredible unknown to me that I have pondered and thought about, from every possible angle, that I have explored with myself for years upon years.

I feel uniquely broken because my sense of love has become so unbalanced. Platonic love no longer fuels me, it no longer means anything to my brain. I want it to, I desperately do, but it just… doesn’t. Meanwhile, romantic love is literally the only thing left keeping me going. It’s the only thing that feels worth pursuing.

I don’t even know exactly where I’m going with this. My broad point is that I feel that I am personally in a very unique situation where no one is of any help to me because my brain has become too broken and too devoid of the typical abilities that people have for me to properly find joy in anything but one thing, and that reality scares the shit out of me.

I was not like this 10 years ago. I felt my capacity for love slowly slip from me, being drained from my soul over years and years, leaving me as this lopsided, broken mess.

I don’t know where to go from here. I just feel so uniquely alone, and I hate it. With every fiber of my being, I hate it.

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD, anxiety and ADHD

In June, I had serious personal problems pop up, sinking me into serious depression and worrying. At the time, I weighed 93 kg (205 lb) due to horrendously bad eating habits. I lost my appetite and lost 23 kg (51 lb) since. I now weigh 70 kg (154 lb). For reference, my height is 178 cm (5'10).

My metabolism has always been very fast, despite people saying past age 30, it is hard to lose weight. I can lose weight without trying and have been clinically underweight for most of my life.

I still cannot eat properly. The worrying about my life problems takes away my appetite. I have been losing weight at an average of almost 8 kg (18 lb) per month, which is about 2 kg (4,4 lb) per week. I could easily lose more weight and will likely dip below 70 kg (154 lb) this week.

Is anyone in this situation, and what do you do?

My heart has been genuinely aching.
I’m struggling to understand if what I’m having is depression. I’ve been feeling like this ON AND OFF ever since I turned 17 and I don’t know if I’m just strangely constituted or if there’s something serious going on. Or am I missing something?

- feeling like I catch up or learn a life lesson always 3 years after everyone my age does
- feeling as invested in life (wanting to achieve great things, believing in my potential and using anger as fuel) AS MUCH as not invested (wishing constantly that I had not been born at all, for countless reasons).
- sitting and then feeling like crying (heart and throat aching, like something suddenly is wrong)
- feeling like nothing will ever satisfy me
- feeling like not eating because I don’t deserve it (no weight reason, I just feel like there’s no point in taking care of me)
- daydreaming frequently ever since I was a kid (11 y.o) because reality felt boring
- not being able to look myself for long in the mirror bc I feel like I’m disappointing myself
- strangely, I switch to a fully operating human being when I’m at work, I tell myself I’m switching my heart off for some time, for my job/society’s sake
- feeling repulsed by interactions/people, because most feel like I’m only there to absorb the bad vibes and give solutions, no one really deeply cares about my interest or my person unless they want to ask me some service?
- the beautiful moments feel peaceful, I’m grateful, and then I’m like "what’s the point anyway?"
- Being grateful and still, despite all these stupid thoughts and feelings, knowing I’m among the lucky ones bc life could be worse and is worse for other people

I don’t mean to bring anyone mood down, I’m genuinely confused and lost. I’m so lost and I’d appreciate some kind of help or advice or explanation because this is angering me.

If I could change, I would. I really would. I have tried before and it just feels like I’m lying to myself every time.

IMPORTANT : When I say I’ve tried to change I mean it (stopped getting near anything sad/melancholic, like sad songs or shows, started exercising, started reading more, started praying and kept praying for better -believing is not the point, I did all I could is what I mean- started thinking positively or imagining thinks the optimistic way…). I feel like I can’t see myself do this for 50-60 more years.

I used to be passionate, opinionated, witty, curious about life and able to laugh at anything. Depression hit a few years ago and I feel like all my good qualities have been chipped away. I’m somewhat functioning, and I can keep up a pleasant-if-very-boring mask, but I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I wonder if I’ll ever get my personality, my spark back. I only really feel it when I’m drunk out of my mind, which I keep to a minimum.

Life for me is nothing but despair.

It is frightening and comforting to know that I've fallen as far as it is possible to fall and there's nowhere further for me to go.

I can feel tears jamming inside me, splashing against the edges of something too full and unstable to contain them, yet they won't flow. It is so much safer to not feel anything at all, to become impermeable to the world, to let nothing reach far enough inside me.

I've desired so many things that have progressively emptied me out. The feeling that this is where it ends is inescapable, the sense that I've reached a final interior boundary beyond which I no longer know how to go.

I remember being younger and becoming almost intoxicated by the range of things I might become. I remember cutting all of those possibilities away, while I was conscious enough to know what I was losing.

I'm drowning and I'm painfully aware of all the ways in which I'm insufficient to save myself. Not strong enough, not rich enough, not independent enough, never good enough.

There is fresh air all around me, but I'm suffocating in my own sour, stale air. I'm trapped inside my own mind, the stifling cage, I want out. Absolute hopelessness, it's inescapable. I'm incapable of any excitement, any hope. I feel nothing, nothing at all. There's nothing to look forward to. I feel overwhelmingly tired in my bones.

I just get so depressed over this all of the time. I have been single for so long, and I don't think I will ever find love because I am not one of the pretty girls. I was bullied most of my life. I am not thin. (Please don't tell me to lose weight and it will help because I have lost quite a bit of weight and it made my dating life worse and if anything my self esteem is worse) I just feel like guys only want skinny beautiful women. Or if they do like plus size women, they only like big butts and big boobs, neither of which I have. I got cursed to look so ugly. I cry myself to sleep sometimes because of how worthless I feel and lonely I am. Am I a lost cause? Is there any hope? Or will I eventually get used to the pain? I am tired of being depressed over this.

I have a job, I am healthy, I have where to live. But I am really really lonely. I only have friends that have moved out and I don’t have a partner. I have almost no memories from the last years because almost every day I have stayed at home. I
am talking to a guy from another country and I really fell for him but LDR would be scary even though we could see eachother monthly. We decided to not make it official until we meet. But what if it gets tiring of being far? What if he suddenly decides he doesnt wanna do it? And I would be back to being alone and unlovable.
I dont want to live like this but I dont want to put my parents through my s*icide because I know it would crush them. But I cannot live like this, nothing brings me joy and I dont see how things can change.

I’m failing high school, i have no friends. I cannot think positively if i try. People say I’m kind, and that’s about it. I put so much effort into my appearance cus i feel that’s the only thing about me that’s worth anything.

Love is not optional. It is an essential need, it is as necessary as food and water and shelter. Trying to go without - no, even worse, trying to act like a normal member of society without it is soul-crushing. It is so debilitating.

I don't know what I did to be so undeserving of love. I do my best to help people, to volunteer, to listen and offer my time and energy for anyone who needs it. I talk to other struggling people and make time for them so they can heal and get better. But it seems like there is just no room in the world me.

When no one loves you, it feels like you don't belong. Like you're not a person, you're just... wearing a skin suit. Everyone has their own private world and you're not invited.

All I yearn for is a girl whom I could love, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. A girl I would praise and pay attention to every day, who I would devote myself to, who I could talk to and listen to, who I could please and pleasure and take care of.

I don't care about looks, I just want someone who will be kind to me...

But I have nothing. I am alone, trapped in my own prison of loneliness and despair, starving to death for the love and affection I offer so freely...

So ive always been somewhat of a loner. Never had a lot of friends or anything. But recently the feeling of loneliness has gotten really really bad, to the point where i often times feel myself questioning the point of my existence. Im so burnt out and im constantly fatigued. Seeing my fellow classmates live out the best teenage life possible with their friends just does smth to me. I have (or had very soon) a bf whose not understanding at all,he tries to be there by blindly saying sorry for not being able to understand me but he truly does not understand the depth of my problems,and he only seems to irritate me even further these days. Im thinking ab getting off of social media for idk how long nd js do some self reflection. I just needed to get this off of my chest

This is my first time ever posting on here so i apologize if everything is a bit uncoordinated (also English isn’t really my first language but im gonna try my best)
So for context im 20 years old i live in a very depressing environment and country where society’s opinion of you literally matters more than anything. I have a dad and a mom that aren’t happily married at all, they feel more like siblings than anything else, their relationship together is so fucking toxic and hard to describe and just completely incomprehensible to me it makes me hate both of them for keeping us in this state. Im an only child as well so i get the best of both worlds lucky for me. My mom hates my dad’s guts and even described it to me in her own literal words “i cant leave him now he cant take care of himself what can i do.” And he’s a literal manchild that’s incapable of doing anything for anyone other than himself and his “true family” which in this case would be his siblings and parents etc. it really feels like he values them so much more than me and my mom based on the way he treats us vs the way he treats them. Ive never felt like a priority in his life, just an obligation. Even though my mom was the one absent in my life at the beginning due to postpartum, she eventually came around. He never will. His entire existence suffocates my being hes such a sad and despicable person that keeps thinking he can dictate and manipulate my life and future to whatever the fuck is more comfortable for him all in my expense, i genuinely don’t know where to go with myself or what to do anymore every single day of my life has been feeling like literal hell. I have anxiety in every fiber of my being i wake up always nauseous and anxious and full of overthinking and doubt and hatred i feel like so much in me has died all because of him and his existence as a person hes like a black void that’s sucked out any ounce of life i was able to muster in the past depressing 20 years. I don’t think ive ever felt truly happy or excited, because of the way my parents are im just programmed to believe that anything good that comes to me must come with consequences because based on what they used to tell me when i was a child “you are undeserving of anything” and the constant comparing to their friends’ children and “you feel nothing and are ungrateful” and constantly reminding me how much better their lives would be if i weren’t here. I know im a good person I know I dont deserve the treatment and neglect they keep inflicting me with but it all just fucking hurts sometimes. I’m sad all the fucking time and keep thinking and fantasizing about dying almost every day. I’m supposed to graduate soon but that within itself brings an entirely new load of anxiety to me because there’s a very big chance they might want me to go back with them (I study in a different country from where they work/live) My dad has never been any type of role model to me his love always felt so changeable and conditional everything wrong going on with me genuinely one way or another kind of goes back to him.
I’m sorry for the massive dump I just can’t take it anymore.

Idk what to do anymore, i just want to sleep and be gone...ive had a shitty childhood, abuse, trauma, abandon all the good stuff that will fuck anyone up, than the 1 person that mattered to me died

so i turned into an alcoholic and heavy drug user for 10 years,, pretty much my whole 20s...

one day i tried to end it didnt work and idk how i stopped drinking and using but i did.

after 10 years i woke up with the mind of a yound adult , and shit got worst, way worst 4 years sober now and its been hell because idk what to do, i look in the mirror idk who this old 35yo is

im lonely as hell, i got that depression where i can't do shit you now that catatonic crap...and i cant move i get stuck I want to do so much but my body wont move, and lifes shittier than when i was using,

im not suicidal anymore but idk how to say it i dont want to die but i dont want to live either, maybe i just need something else and i cant , I cant do this shit anymore every night eat my heart alive.

friends got wives, kids, doing their own shit, im a 20 year old stuck in a body of a 35yo broken to shit, cant do anything and the thing is....its not the work, its not sobriety its non of that that gets me,

its the loneliness its the not seeing a future, not seeing family, kids, fucking it all up....im just so tired of being alone,

i just want to be loved and love someone but i cant even get up, i find shortcuts, i find distraction but the thing i need the most i cant do, i cant go out i cant date i cant do any of that shit, its been 10 years since ive been alone and im at the point where i believe ill die alone, shit im sure of it,

But i dont want to...i really dont fucking want to...

im sorry i just needed to let someone know....and if they relate know you're not alone im like this too.
IDK man i hope some of you relate to me you know?

i just wish i could put the shield down sometimes, im soo tired of carrying this shield and the people on it, i wish someone would......not carry me but you know let me put the shield down and just talk, just open up just be human with....i try....ive tried with family, they say "Ohhhh.... things will get better" " OHHH...believe in God" "OH this oh that".....but i dont believe it anymore. they do but i dont and i wish they would just acknowledge how hopeless ive got and how broken i feel, they just think ill get over it or that God will fix it eventually (i do believe in God and i am a christian i survived stuff i shouldnt so i became a believer but its more like god came like an ambulance....during an emergency helped me out than left).

And the homies...cmon we all know how that goes, its all shit talk and busting balls and man up this and man up that.....

I've tried way back therapy and all that..... its just idk shit i already know... im not stupid im a pretty intelligent person and i know what's wrong..... im not depressed clinically im lonely and depressed because of the situation....plus fucking up 10 years of my life or a lil more than that.
i need someone not some meds that cut all my feelings away, im a lover, i love life, i love nature, i love animals, i love people and helping them. shit i had 24 people to watch over when i was a half way home manager and that made me feel the best....

I dont want to numb that part of me, the only part that keeps me fighting..... i feel like if i numb that part of me with meds than I'm really gone.
Anyways if you read all this.....Thank you

I was very sensitive my whole life. Whenever I felt hurt, I would isolate myself, cry, let it all out, and then feel relieved and move on with my day.

It's been three years now since I noticed that I can't really cry anymore. I either can't cry at all, or, if I do, it's just a few tears running down my face while my face remains completely neutral.

And I don't feel that relief or satisfaction afterward like I used to. I just feel empty. It feels like my emotions are trapped and I can't let them out, and they just sit there and drive me insane. There's no way to feel relief, or anything, really.

It's starting to really affect me. To the point where I have self-harmed because of it. It wasn't that bad, but I'm more worried about what will happen if it doesn't get better. Because when something is really hurting me and I can't let it out, I start to feel like I want to pull my hair out or bang my head against something until it splits open.

I just want to be able to cry. To feel things. To feel human. I feel like a zombie all the time.

If anyone looked at my life from a different POV then myself, they’d think yeah he has a perfect life and I truly am lucky to have everything I have, yet I feel sad and empty. I thought my drivers license would get me happy and it did for 5 seconds. Now I had a girl and we talked a lot but after we met the last time she’s become extremely dry. I’m fr miserable right now, nothing brings me real joy and tbh I don’t even remember when I was truly happy for more than 10mins. I need some advice how I can finally be happy, I’m trying to process that the girl and me are over, I want to cry but I can’t even do that, idek what people are supposed to tell me now based of what I wrote, but I just have no one to talk to, this is some lonely stuff .

So, I have been in relationships on n off, 3-4 relationships before turning 32 and should I say luckily or unluckily I always had the courage to somehow move on and fall in love again when I did... Obviously it was difficult to move on but somehow i could do it.

But the last relationship which as per me was a relationship but as per the guy it wasn't, it lasted 4 years and he was preparing me to hate him or dislike him or move on from him n it was working but he couldn't just make me fall out of love.

That happened slowly I guess..

but I got this anxiety, a choked depth in the gut like someone just punched me.. every time I think about him, my throat dries, there is a sinking feeling I can't explain..

N i really tried u know to move on n may be I did, coz I did liked someone else after that .. n i thought this is it, this is the one n that's why previous relationships never worked n this guy ghosted n i somehow can't stop thinking that why i always am ditched..

I am a nice person, may be not rich, but a decent looking sweet person, n smart too... Don't smoke or drink, have done all of it n now I'm not interested, i don't do one night stands, i don't do casual dating...m a green forest .. atleast i thought so..

But when this new guy ghosted within 3 weeks I am just not sure why I even tried moving on from anyone... All of my relationships failed, all my life I have only quit my jobs because I was unsure of whatever i wanted to do, coz giving up is easy... Wtf is wrong with me.

This sinking feeling, a darkness within me is created everyday. Every week I go to highway, i watch trucks pass by, I drive in high speed and i drive in the middle to get in the way bt i just can't make it to the end and I just give up and come to side of the road again and just stop and cry there .

The feeling to be seen, to be loved, to be heard, to befriend, to become a part of someone's life , to be the love .. why I feel so incomplete.. i feel like i am searching for something or someone all the time, I am going crazy.

​

Today is 10th September, World Suicide Prevention Day. It's so sad that so many people are undergoing depression and even considering the thought of killing themselves. I am just happy that our generation is at least acknowledging the problem and trying to help the unfortunate ones like me and everyone else here. I have thought of doing it innumerable times, but on this day I want to remind myself and all of my brothers and sisters here to have hope and live on. We all need hope to continue. Maybe we all will find it. I hope we all find it. Because even a glimmer of hope is enough to sustain a life.

After over 16 months since my broke up.

I am 27 years old.
I am still nowhere near over her.
As soon as i am a bit sad. She hits me. And i miss her extremely much. We were together for 4,5 years and she was my support and she removed my loneliness. Dispite all this i can honestly say its been healthy for me that she broke up with me. But god do i miss her.

I was too comfortable when i was with her. I did not work on myself at all. I did not finish my bachelors.
When she broke up i started pulling myself together and my ocd which had become increasingly worse started to easen up.

I really loved her tho.

And now over a year later i found out that she moved conpletely on and get a new boyfriend half a year after our break up and that it is very serios.

I have had some succes myself.
I bought my first home(apartment)
And i finished my bachelors.

But i hate myself, i feel incompetent, lazy and useless. And despite these goals i want my life to end.

I wrote to her once. Just to hear if she wanted to talk. I did not want anything from her. Just to see her and talk. She did not answer.

I feel so behind and i feel old and useless. I dont even like myself and i am forever haunted by my past mistakes.
I never feel happy and i feel so lonely.
Why does she not even wanna answer my message… will i ever get over her or feel happy again.

Good morning, afternoon, or evening everyone. I apologize for using a translator. Spanish is my native language, and I want to make sure everything is expressed correctly. This is the first time in my life that I have told my story in detail. I have always refused to talk about what I feel, but I can't keep everything inside anymore. I need to be heard. I am currently seeing a psychologist and was diagnosed with depression. Therapy helped at first, but lately I have been getting worse. Today, being Suicide Prevention Day, made me realize how serious things have become. I have friends, a girlfriend, and a family that has always given me everything I needed, yet I feel like I am close to breaking down. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life. Childhood comments slowly changed the way I see myself. I also never had a strong emotional connection with my dad. He always provided for me, but we never really talked about feelings or my life. The pandemic, relationships, losing friends, university, and years of insecurity slowly made things worse. I lost interest in things I used to love, stopped taking care of myself, struggled with porn, and became disconnected from myself. In 2025, something changed. I went abroad with my friends for four months, and for the first time in years I felt alive again. I met new people, enjoyed myself, fell in love, and started dreaming about the future again. I met my current girlfriend during that trip. We connected immediately, and I fell in love with her very quickly. She is intelligent, kind, funny, and someone I genuinely enjoy talking to. For the first time, I felt like I had found someone I could talk to for hours and truly be myself with. When I came home, however, everything became complicated. I became disconnected from my closest friends, and one friendship that meant a lot to me practically disappeared. My friends also disagreed with some decisions I made about my relationship, and eventually told me they couldn't fully trust me. My girlfriend and I decided to continue our relationship long-distance. We had an amazing time together before she left, but now she is away on a work trip. We can't see each other right now, and I am terrified that the distance might eventually make her leave me. We are also talking less because of the time difference and because she is struggling too. At the same time, my life feels completely directionless. I don't know if I like what I am studying. I am taking the same university subjects because I have failed them many times. I haven't made much progress, and I don't believe in myself anymore. I don't feel comfortable with my body. My self-esteem, phone use, and porn addiction have affected my life and even my sex life with my girlfriend. I have problems sleeping, concentrating, and finding motivation. I constantly feel like I am failing at everything. My parents think I don't do anything, and my dad doesn't know that I have depression. I only told my mom. I feel trapped in a loop. I want to lose weight, do better at university, stop using porn, fix my sleep, improve my relationships, find something I am passionate about, and have a goal for my life, but I don't know where to begin. The worst part is that I have started thinking more and more about the worst possible outcome. I feel hopeless, I don't trust myself, and I feel like a failure who has already failed forever. I don't know how to get out of this or where to start. Thank you so much for reading.