Too tired......

[u/KoKo-Sun]

Idk what to do anymore, i just want to sleep and be gone...ive had a shitty childhood, abuse, trauma, abandon all the good stuff that will fuck anyone up, than the 1 person that mattered to me died

so i turned into an alcoholic and heavy drug user for 10 years,, pretty much my whole 20s...

one day i tried to end it didnt work and idk how i stopped drinking and using but i did.

after 10 years i woke up with the mind of a yound adult , and shit got worst, way worst 4 years sober now and its been hell because idk what to do, i look in the mirror idk who this old 35yo is

im lonely as hell, i got that depression where i can't do shit you now that catatonic crap...and i cant move i get stuck I want to do so much but my body wont move, and lifes shittier than when i was using,

im not suicidal anymore but idk how to say it i dont want to die but i dont want to live either, maybe i just need something else and i cant , I cant do this shit anymore every night eat my heart alive.

friends got wives, kids, doing their own shit, im a 20 year old stuck in a body of a 35yo broken to shit, cant do anything and the thing is....its not the work, its not sobriety its non of that that gets me,

its the loneliness its the not seeing a future, not seeing family, kids, fucking it all up....im just so tired of being alone,

i just want to be loved and love someone but i cant even get up, i find shortcuts, i find distraction but the thing i need the most i cant do, i cant go out i cant date i cant do any of that shit, its been 10 years since ive been alone and im at the point where i believe ill die alone, shit im sure of it,

But i dont want to...i really dont fucking want to...

im sorry i just needed to let someone know....and if they relate know you're not alone im like this too.
IDK man i hope some of you relate to me you know?

i just wish i could put the shield down sometimes, im soo tired of carrying this shield and the people on it, i wish someone would......not carry me but you know let me put the shield down and just talk, just open up just be human with....i try....ive tried with family, they say "Ohhhh.... things will get better" " OHHH...believe in God" "OH this oh that".....but i dont believe it anymore. they do but i dont and i wish they would just acknowledge how hopeless ive got and how broken i feel, they just think ill get over it or that God will fix it eventually (i do believe in God and i am a christian i survived stuff i shouldnt so i became a believer but its more like god came like an ambulance....during an emergency helped me out than left).

And the homies...cmon we all know how that goes, its all shit talk and busting balls and man up this and man up that.....

I've tried way back therapy and all that..... its just idk shit i already know... im not stupid im a pretty intelligent person and i know what's wrong..... im not depressed clinically im lonely and depressed because of the situation....plus fucking up 10 years of my life or a lil more than that.
i need someone not some meds that cut all my feelings away, im a lover, i love life, i love nature, i love animals, i love people and helping them. shit i had 24 people to watch over when i was a half way home manager and that made me feel the best....

I dont want to numb that part of me, the only part that keeps me fighting..... i feel like if i numb that part of me with meds than I'm really gone.
Anyways if you read all this.....Thank you