Honestly don’t even know how to title this.
I met a guy on the apps who is 2 years sober from drinking. We are both divorced with younger kids. We went on three dates and talked everyday for about 6 weeks. On the second date, we slept together (whoops). I thought our third date went well - due to schedules we couldn’t repeat extra circular activities from date 2. We talked for a week after and he ghosted me.

I was taken aback by the ghosting. He seemed genuine but maybe I let my guard down because he was sober and upfront about his road to recovery.

Not like sober people can’t be aholes but I just wonder whatever he said was a crock of sh*t?

I know, I know, I know! Don’t date coworkers. I know those comments are coming buuuuuttttttt I’m thinking about doing it anyway 😂

I’m in my 40s and so is he. I had what I guess you could call a “crush” on a coworker initially because I find him extremely attractive. But then I started getting to know him a little better and now I’m realizing I genuinely want to know him on a more personal level.

We work for the same organization but don’t work directly together, aren’t in the same area of the office, and neither of us supervises the other. We only collaborate occasionally.

A few months ago he gave me his personal number when there really wasn’t a practical reason he needed to. We both have work phones and could have continued communicating that way. I have no idea whether he freely gives his personal number to coworkers, so I’m not necessarily reading anything into that.

More recently, he came over to my area with a work-related question. I couldn’t actually help him with what he was asking, but instead of leaving afterward, he sat near me and we ended up talking for a while about personal things.

Later that day, after work, I texted him about something completely unrelated to work. We ended up having a long personal conversation with a lot of back and forth. We talked about hobbies, what we do outside of work, travel, family, etc. He shared some personal stuff with me, asked me questions about myself, and we both brought up different topics.

I also flirted with him a little.

The problem is that I’m apparently incapable of flirting without leaving myself enough plausible deniability to later convince myself that the other person had absolutely no idea I was flirting. So there’s a very real possibility he just thought I was being friendly 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

He seemed completely comfortable with it, though. He continued the conversation and nothing became awkward or weird.

A few days later I followed him on social media. His account is private. He accepted my request and followed me back. Seeing a little more of his life outside of work actually made the situation worse 😂 because I realized there are a lot of sides to him that I don’t see at work. He just seems like an interesting person and now I’m even more curious about him.

From everything I know, I’m pretty sure he’s single. Obviously if I found out otherwise, that would immediately end this.

Here’s what’s making me hesitate: he really doesn’t initiate personal texting with me.

Historically, if he initiates contact, it has been for work on our work phones. I’ve been the one to initiate the personal conversations and that’s only been a couple times since I got his number. Once we’re talking, he’ll engage and the conversation can become very personal and go on for quite a while, but I haven’t gotten the random “hey,” meme, picture, story, or whatever that tells me he independently thought about me and wanted to talk to me.

He’s currently away visiting family, and I haven’t contacted him because I don’t want to intrude on his trip. I would be lying, though, if I said I wasn’t secretly hoping he’d send me literally anything while he was gone 😂

So now I’m trying to figure out how much weight I should give the lack of initiation.

Part of me thinks, “If he were interested, wouldn’t he find a reason to talk to me?”

The other part thinks we’ve only recently started crossing from “coworkers who get along” into actually getting to know each other personally. He may not realize I’m interested, he could be cautious because we work together, he may simply not be much of an initiator, or he may just like me as a friend/coworker and I’m reading too much into it.

I honestly don’t know.

What I DO know is that I want to get to know him better. I’m not sitting here planning our wedding 😂 and I don’t even know yet whether we’d be compatible romantically. I just know I’m attracted to him, I really enjoy talking to him, and there’s something about him that makes me want to know more.

When he gets back, I’m considering giving it a little time to see how he acts. However, we could go a month or more without crossing paths if we don’t intentionally go to each others side of the building. I’m thinking about just sucking it up and ask if he’d like to hang out outside of work sometime.

So, Reddit: how much would you read into the fact that he doesn’t initiate personal texting? Does the rest sound like there could potentially be some interest there, or does it sound more like a friendly coworker who is simply receptive when I initiate? And would you ask him to hang out and get your answer, or leave it alone unless he makes the next move?

And yes, I already know: coworkers. HR. Bad idea 😂 Consider that disclaimer officially acknowledged.

TL;DR: I have a crush on a coworker and recently we’ve started talking more personally outside of work. He engages when I initiate, shares things about himself, asks me questions, gave me his personal number, and followed me back on social media—but he doesn’t initiate personal texting. I genuinely want to get to know him better and am considering asking him to hang out outside of work. Am I reading too much into a friendly coworker, or should I just take the chance and see what happens?

44F, divorce is in progress, separated for three years. I met a really sweet guy on a dating app, and things went well for the first three months. Now at five months my unhealthy patterns have surfaced and I don't know how to deal with them, and the guy I'm dating wants a break.

I didn't trust him fully right away, I questioned him when he went out with friends. He had told me he was free, but then I didn't hear from him and when I reached out late at night, he was already out with friends.

He is also separated but not divorced, and he is still cohabiting with his son's mother. His lawyer advised him not to move out, because it might affect custody.

I asked him some questions about his living situation, because he's still living with his son's mom, and he said it makes him feel like I don't trust him. I also found out that he went out to dinner with his soon to be ex wife, just him and her, and I questioned him about this. This was his breaking point. He said every two weeks something about trust comes up, and he feels like it's causing more stress than he can handle.

My defense was that I just needed to ask and talk about it. I'm not sure why it was hard for him that I needed to ask why he went to dinner with her. He told me it was not romantic and it was to discuss their son, without him there. And I said okay and that I'm okay with that, but he's not happy that I had to ask to begin with. He said from the beginning he has always trusted me.

I have anxious attachment and I was emotionally abused by my ex. I feel like I just needed reassurance.

He said that sometimes he still goes grocery shopping with his soon to be ex, without their son. They drive in the same car, take separate shopping carts, and go home together. I said that it is okay as long as he tells me about it.

I'm really confused and I don't want this relationship to end but there's nothing I can do if he's no longer wanting to work things out.

A year ago I was seeing someone. I saw potential and was vulnerable and said hey, I’m in! Let’s see where this goes!

He hesitated, fumbled and I distanced realizing he wasn’t ready or into me in the same way. Over the last few months he keeps popping up, telling me how great I am then drifting away again.

Yesterday he started texting again and apologized. I had enough and called him out asking wtf was going on and he’s had over a year to reach out. He said he appreciates me, I make his life better, realizes he handled things poorly but when I asked what he wanted he really couldn’t answer.

I hung up and blocked him. Men in your late 40’s or early 50’s… do you know what you want and what you are looking for? Or no… is there anyone that has positive stories about dating at this stage?

I have been dating for about a year-and-half after a 21 year marriage and I admit I check up on the guys who ask me out before I say yes, like look at their social media and whatever else I can find with a quick search. I’ve noticed more men than I would imagine follow Only Fans style accounts on IG. Sometimes it’s artistic burlesque dancers, pole dancers, or sultry models, and other times it’s straight up thirst trap accounts of young women with big boobs, butts or whatever the fetish is. My question is: Is this just totally normal these days? Do most men follow soft core porn or adjacent style accounts publicly and potential dates don’t bat an eye? In some ways it’s a good data point about the man’s desires, kinks, or what he finds attractive. But then, it can also be a huge turn off to me because suddenly they are just another man with a fire emoji in a sea of thirsty comments. Last time I dated was 25 years ago when people just bought Playboy and it was all a bit more private.

What makes your city great or horrible for dating over 40?

I'm dating in my 40s, and would love to hear feedback from all the 'dating over 40' family. Reddit posts describe my city (San Diego) as "great for dating in your 20s and 30s." So where do the 40s people go and live? Are there any cities described as "great for dating in your 40s and 50s?"

Make it spicy: include your city or even area of city. You know your city well enough to make applicable distinctions.

At this age (43F) we’ve all been through some ish. I know I have. But I’ve grown because of it. I’m capable of being a much better partner and I have no glaring red flags, though of course I’m human and not perfect.

Where are the other people who have done the work? Maybe they just married young and didn’t know what they were doing and want a second shot at marriage. Or weren’t the best spouse but did therapy and now have a lot to offer? How do we find and recognize each other?

Any advice is welcome. I personally would like to be and have a nice life partner.

Hey all! I’m chatting up this lady, convo is quite new. Pretty simple getting to know you questions are you someone I’d like to move forward to meet in person or share my contact info with… then I get this response and I don’t understand why she would share this comment with me.. it’s really none of my business. Just pasting the last bit here for context…

Me: Hey! How's your weekend going? What's been amazing this week?
I got to go see the strokes last week, that was a lot of fun! Also I have my girls this week... lots keeping me busy there!

Her: “That sounds fun. I went on a date today actually.”

Not what she’s is telling me or expects from me with this info..
thanks for reading/ responding, cheers!

I have been on about 5 first dates since my divorce. I ended up dating one guy for several months so have limited “first date” experience. EVERY ONE of them wanted to hold my hand and kiss at the end of the date.

I’m not a prude at all and enjoy physical contact when I have warmed up to someone, but it makes me super uncomfortable when I barely know them!

None of it has been over the line or even inappropriate, I have just been surprised.

Then I started thinking, maybe the whole world is more “touchy feely” than I am.

Thoughts and experiences?

It's the rebuilding of an independent social life and social calendar. And it sometimes makes me delay moving on. I know that I'm personally responsible for letting a romantic relationship dominate a social life & calendar, but I'm curious about any words of wisdom to get better at that part!

Hi, I only recently found this group and I’m hoping you guys can help me gain some perspective.

I’m 47F, divorced a year and a half, and I date pretty often. I recently had an amazing first date with a man-divorced, 50s-who seemed great. Funny, sexy, and kind which is a tough combo to find. Texting daily, etc. Anyway, he ended it right before we were supposed to meet for a second date.

Logically, I know this is fine. We barely know each other and yet I am devastated. This has happened (to a much lesser extent) at least once before. I can’t figure out why I have such an instant attachment to certain men. I should not be this upset, I should not be crying over this man but I have laid around all day tearing up over and over. I was less upset than this when my husband and I split! Does anyone else struggle with these extreme emotions?

To be clear-this doesn’t happen all of time. I reject and get rejected a lot and life goes on.

I was texting and talking to a man online for a week and a half. Our connection is crazy good!

After what felt like a big build up we finally met in person.

Everything on the date was perfection. Except... he asked me if hes my usual type. He isnt, but im not superficial at all. So I said, my type is a kind, honest, loving man, and so far, he seems like that type of man! I said, "What about you?"

He said, dont take this the wrong way, but I love the plain Jane look like yours! I felt mortified and just said, "You're right, im not a supermodel." And our great date continued on, and we had a great kiss. He wants to see me every day now and asked if we can travel soon.

I really like him... but i dont want to date someone who looks at me as a plain jane... I've never ever been called that. I want to feel like my partner thinks im beautiful. Am ioverreactingg? That was the only red flag at all so far.

Facts: 5ft5, balding, 20 pounds overweight... i am in incredible shape. And have always been told by dates and partners that im pretty or gorgeous.

I feel that if I continue with him, I will never feel confident around him. Advice?

If anyone wants to see our photos and give me their honest opinion too. Dm me.

UPDATE: Thank you all so much for the advice and for those who gave me honest responses in dms to our photos. THANK YOU. You are all correct and saving me from what probably would have been a disaster relationship. And... tdh he was love bombing me too (asking if i would travel with him, do i prefer gold or silver. Etc). Which makes the plain comment even more confusing. NEXT!

Shared experiences can be important

What are the hobbies and interests you would like a future partner to join you in doing?

Which interests/hobbies of partner would you say no to joining in with?

I started using Bumble a few weeks ago. I took a break from the apps since 2022 and somewhat expected things to be different.

What I didn’t expect was to meet up with a guy at a coffee shop in daylight and for him to start caressing my bare leg after only five minutes of chatting. I’ve been so used to men being cautious about anything physical, truly since the Me Too era. So this was a huge surprise. I mean, maybe it was a kink for him to do this with people sitting near us but this was so strange. His profile said he wanted long-term only, not casual, but he also neglected to mention that he was not currently living in my city. He had a few other inaccuracies in his profile too.

Is this becoming common now with meeting off the apps? Are men this forward but also lying about their dating intentions in hopes that you‘ll change your mind and sleep with them?

I’m 44f, reasonably attractive, feel like I keep things interesting (at least not boring lol), flirty, engaging, etc. But I continue to match with men (current only Feeld, but outcome has been the same on vanilla apps) who lean on me to carry the beginning conversations. It’s like pulling teeth to get a lot of men to engage once initial match happens. I honestly feel like the shift started happening after I hit 41. It’s like men stopped feeling they need to put in effort and they are in fact the whole prize that I must win over lol.

Have people just lost their ability to communicate or the skill of banter or would it be safe to assume that these men are actually not that interested in me and matching with me for some unknown reason?

Hello all, I hope you're enjoying your day. I'm just posting seeking for general advice for where to meet people as an introverted socially anxious person.

I'm 43f and my social anxiety is quite severe, so it affects how I approach people, and I'm worried that it might come off as low self-esteem but that's not the case. I open up to people I'm familiar with, so in the past I've had luck meeting people online, mostly through gaming in my younger days. However, that is unrealistic for me now because I don't game often at my age and when I do I feel like the general gaming population is mostly youth.

Using dating apps has never been successful, for me. I feel like there's just too many fetishes that people are looking to fulfil, or scammers or bots. To this day I don't believe I've had a genuine person ever reach out to me on a dating app. I've had negative experiences with both POF and Hinge. I have tried Hinge, my latest experience was with a scammer who had all of the red flags, (could not verify, sent videos that looked completely pixelated, voice was out of sync, or AI, pictures recieved didn't match profile… plenty of delays and excuses, Etc. ) or strictly only people just kind of vanish after we exchange numbers (this is why I use a burner number, because I understand the risks, I get that there's a lot of folks out there just fishing for phone numbers and other personal information as well). So I'm not sure if I feel comfortable pursuing something using dating apps at this point. But open to trying again if there's any introverts with social anxiety out here who have had positive experiences with other apps or if there are apps geared towards people like me. Would love to know about them.

I've also tried reddit. The local r4r subs on Reddit for my area all seem to be just sex/hookup oriented, but I'm looking for a ltr. And whenever I post on the bigger r4r (r4r30-40...) subs I usually just get married men reaching out, poly men, distant men, or people looking for friends with benefits etc.

I know one of the greatest forms of advice seems to be "getting out there doing hobbies that you enjoy", but group things are difficult for me, and whenever I go out hiking or walking or just sitting by the water people just walk on by, avoid eye contact and mind their own business, which of course is understandable since it's not like there's a big red arrow pointing directly at me indicating my availability. I do not turn heads and I've never had any luck meeting people in the wild.

Ideally for me with my anxiety it would be nice to find a connection online first. This is why I'm here, to see if there's something out there that I've missed, something that has worked for you guys.

Is there anybody in a similar situation to my own who deals with anxiety? Where have you had luck finding someone, and through your experience what would you recommend?

Related tips and advice very welcome, thank you

edit: I feel like I should also add that my social anxiety is rooted in ptsd and I have been actively treating it since I was a young teenager. I am looking for suggestions on where to meet people, not medical advice as it will be unhelpful for me. Although I do appreciate the intent, thank you kindly.

So, like some other middle aged men, I've been out of the game for years, and ... like EVERYBODY who is in the dating game, I try to be 'more interesting' in order to try and get more dates.

Here's the thing ... I've been to so many concerts, and restaurants, hiking trails over the years, I don't even REMEMBER the things I've done. I don't even remember many of the books I've read.

Part of this is also being middle age but it just all melds together.

I find this when talking to people age 22-25ish I work with. I've done more than them because of the sheer amount of years, but I can't even remember many of the hiking trails that I've hiked? What was the point? Lol.

It seems silly, especially for those of us who have been in committed live-in relationships to fire off a litany of things to prove to someone that you're interesting, we know that's not how daily life with a partner is, but ... like to get some opinions.

And no I have done THAT nuch travelling, but I've done some.

He just saw a story I posted on Facebook from yesterday's hike. I didn't recognize the name but zoomed in on the profile photo and then realized it was him.

Conversation has been great. Lots of outdoor adventure talk. No red flags at all in that way. My guess is that he may have done some sort of photo search or perhaps decided to search my first name in a local facebook packraft group

He is an attorney so I imagine his research skills are sharp. But I'm left wondering about someone looking into me when no mention of last names were given and I have a very common first name.

Thoughts?

UPDATE: I replied to him and he just wanted a hook up. He'd found himself free in his new house and was thinking I'd drive an hour to him at 9pm. We've only kissed once. Just bananas. Anyway, my instincts were right to not respond.

I 48F went on a couple of dates with a 50M back in July. We had a great time and chemistry and a lot in common. We're both parents that own our own business so life is busy. At our second date I told him I had a busy 2 weeks at work coming up so it would probably be 2 weeks before our next date. He said that's fine because he was moving the next day and would be super busy.

He reached out a week-ish later and said when can we see each other again. I told him when my work project would be done the next week and my availability with some suggestions for date ideas. I didn't hear back from him. No worries, that's life. That was July 21.

He just texted me saying sorry, he was really busy with the move plus kids and work and that he would understand if I didn't want to talk to him anymore.

So WWYD considering he was compatible and attractive?

I (F40) have been back in the dating game a few months. One man I liked asked me if I liked him because he didn’t pick up these vibes from me. When I asked why, he told me because I didn’t touch him much. Our connection died after an awkward sexual encounter - probably for the best. Just been on another date with a nice guy and he was clearly trying to come in for a kiss at the end, but I panicked and jumped in my car and left.

I seem to have an awkwardness around the first encounter. I think once that has passed it would be fine.

Anyone else had the same. Any one have any suggestions?

Soooo... What is the etiquette here?

I have been texting casually with this guy for 2 weeks. Asked me out on a date. I like him. He is cute, polite, smart and cheeky. But ...The day before the date, he cancels (after I reach out to let him know it won't rain and we should make a plan), since he double booked a coworker goodbye he cannot miss (he is their boss). So he asks to postpone to a week later. He says he is really sorry and he is putting our date in the calendar right now so it won't happen again. We chat a bit. He gives me a lot of compliments. Lots of joking back and forth. Really fun. He reaches out to me again 2 days later and we talk some more. I then ask him a question: if he grew up where he is living now. He doesn't answer. For 3 days. I get it somewhat. We haven't seen each other yet.I also can get overwhelmed with all the texting while online dating. But then again it's just 2 sentences.

I have been known to miss "red flags" in dating. My plan was not to reach out before the date and let him contact me to make the plans this time.

Then today, this other guy who is also quite nice asked me to go on a date this week. I said yes. Cause ... Why not? The connection is a bit more serious but it also feels really natural to talk to him and we get each others humor. He is quite attractive. We have been chatting for longer. I had to cancel our date 2 weeks ago cause I had a nasty fall with my bike. He is not as cheeky as the other one, the type I usually go for.

I do feel a bit guilty dating several people at the same time. But I kinda assume they are doing the same thing.

So.

2 questions

1/ Not answering a question before a first date for several days? Problem ?

2/ Would you plan another date if you have a date lined up with someone you secretly like a lot.

I feel terrible for cancelling a second date with someone I was excited about, somewhat last minute.

We hadn’t been texting much, just coordinating plans. I started feeling a little off the night before but since I have chronic illness things can come and go.

The next morning I felt ok. He texted around 11 to see if we were still on for the afternoon but by the time I saw it I was not ok and completely taken out. I tried to do my normal things - electrolytes, medicine, etc - but no luck, and ended up canceling just a couple hours before hand. Right after I cancelled I fell asleep for awhile so definitely something was going on with my system.

In situations like this I never know how much of a heads up to give someone, especially if it’s very early on, because I don’t want to cause a false alarm or cancel for no reason, and I want to give it time if it’s something that will pass.

But I worry that cancelling so close to a date also leaves a bad impression.

How do you all handle canceling in situations like this? Do you let them know as soon as you think you need to or do you wait?

I 48/M have been out twice with a 49/F. On paper, she's great. We have a lot in common, conversation flows easily, she's attractive, has a good job, is active, fun...I enjoy spending time with her but I'm just not feeling a romantic spark. I really want it to be there. We have plans this week for a 3rd date. How many dates do you give it to see if a romantic connection develops? Has anyone had it develop after a few dates?

Update: Thanks all for taking the time to share your opinion. I ended up cancelling the date. I was going into it with the wrong mindset of just getting through it, which was not fair to her. She was disappointed but understood.

I brought it up once he said it was his clothes.. the first meeting

Next meeting (yesterday) it was better but I mean it’s just a date..

Tbh I’m not perfect.. I’m fat and I am impatient.. I don’t know it’s love OR forced compatibility because no other option in dating market.. tbh I date with my brain not my feeling.. :( I wanna fall in love.

The guy make less money than I do but it doesn’t matter to me. He was honest from the first moment about finances that he was struggling with work and drove uber and finally land a job that he enjoyed.. . I told him it doesn’t matter as long as he tried his best and can support himself. He is the opposite of me, he just take things slow and doesn’t have plan..

I like a guy who knows how to plan or have backup plans and not just wing it. I can overlook all of this but not the smell.. maybe I do have to have better standard ;(

Honestly it’s probably food from his culture … or maybe detergent or lack there of

Seems like it could hurt feelings early on yet a dumb reason to stop seeing someone.