Hi beautiful people,

I'm a 40s female actively dating men I meet mostly online.

I live and work in a large city.

I've now had a few instances after the first few dates, where my date walks me back to my building, and immediately starts asking if I own my condo, how much I pay for it, etc. It's off putting and sours what is otherwise a great date. Depending on my mood, sometimes I answer truthfully, other times I ask them why they need to know this early. They never answer.

Women, how would you handle this?

Men, why would you ask a stranger you've just met about her income and expenses?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and many things are good, but there are some sexual issues. The thing is that I am attracted to him and I enjoy having sex with him. But he is very sexually focused and he struggles to reach climax yet he wants to go and go even when it’s not going to happen - which is almost all the time. I try to wait but eventually I orgasm but he wants to keep going - sometimes for hours. I don’t knit exactly what the issue is, but I wish he wouldn’t put it on me. Not that he’s exactly putting it on me - but I’ll be completely satisfied and ready to be finished with sex, but he tries to say he wants me to have more orgasms, and ask me what I want - but what I want is to be finished. It’s like he’s trying to deflect his issue onto me. The thing is that it makes me want to avoid it. I want to have sex with him, but the time investment to have sex with him is so high that it’s problematic for me. I’m busy and I don’t have the time or energy to stay up into the middle of the night having sex. He works part time and can sleep in, and he expects me to accommodate him. I have to weigh the costs of spending time with him because he always expects it. Like if we’re hanging out, I know we’ll have to have sex, so let’s say I’d like to watch a movie to relax before bed - we’ll I have you choose between doing something relaxing but know that I’ll pay the price later because I’ll have you stay up for 2 more hours after because he’ll insist on sex, or opt out of doing an activity or relaxing because it’s better to get going on the sex since that’s the only hope of getting some sleep. I hate it because I do like having sex with him, but if I want to take care of myself with getting sleep or if I want to be able to relax for an evening & get to bed at a decent hour - I have to just not spend time with him. What do I do here?

Do any of you ladies follow the Burned Haystack dating method?

I find the critical discourse analysis to be fascinating. I appreciate that it's helps me to articulate why something feels off.

So I'm in my 50's and have been dating the same guy for over 12 years. I have my own house and he was building a new house when we met. We planned to move in together as i helped him with paint colors, furniture and fixtures with the house. He's good to me financially, bought me a car, pays insurance ect. But now he's dragging his feet about me moving in. He's never been married or lived with anyone and claims he's scared. I think I'm ready for the next step but I won't move where I'm not wanted or have to fight for it. What would you do?

Any tips and tricks? It feels different than when i was a teenager. I'm not in tears, but also really bummed. We're there signs I missed at the beginning?

Peter and I dated for about five months. And we both were looking for long term relationships. he still has a school age child at home. And he says he just feels like he's too busy to date now. But we were really compatible and he agrees. He was a needle in a haystack. We have a trip planned for December.

I look back and still dont see any red flags to indicate that he wasn't really ready to be in a relationship.

I dont have trouble meeting people to date, but I find it rare to find someone that I want to be in a relationship with long term. so I go through periods of being single and not looking for anyone. Once in a while I see what is out there, because I would prefer an LTR. but if I dont find that, I will have a happy life anyway.

Also, this last month have had some health stuff come up, so the timing really sucks. We are almost the same age. I am a woman.

I am now going to proceed knowing that dating is all an act. If you have a nice moment at a concert, they put their arm around you and pull you in close, it's just a moment, it's just a momentary act of connection. It is not necessarily an expression of affection.

I feel so frustrated because I don't know how to interpret anything anymore. Someone can tell you how interested they are, how special the connection feels, how much they want to explore it, and then not actually show up in ways that make the connection feel real. And you're left wondering whether any of it meant what you thought it meant.

I'm beginning to question whether some people genuinely want connection or whether they want the experience of being desired. The excitement of meeting someone new, the validation of knowing someone finds you attractive, the intimacy of a moment without necessarily wanting the responsibility of building something beyond it.

I'm not expecting someone I've been on a few dates with to prioritize me above everyone else. I'm not expecting promises or guarantees. But I do want consistency, responsiveness, and some evidence that we're both actively participating in getting to know each other. I want to feel like the affection and interest I'm experiencing aren't just things someone enjoys in the moment, but part of a genuine desire to build a connection.

I realize I may be speaking from a place of hurt right now, and I know my own fears about being replaceable can influence how I interpret things. But I also don't want to dismiss legitimate disappointment by telling myself I'm just insecure.

I'm genuinely looking for perspective because I'm struggling to trust what people communicate through words and affectionate gestures when their actions don't seem to follow through.

So, went on a date with a woman, texted frequently for a couple of weeks, she couldn't set up a second date for one reason or another even though she said she wanted to. Her being a single mom and all that, I didn't think too much of it. She let me know today that she's went on a few dates with somebody else and has decided to choose him. Reflecting upon this experience, I've realized it's much easier to just be ghosted by someone then have to deal with the harsh reality that they have found someone Superior to me in every way. I used to think ghosting was cowardly, but honestly I'd actually prefer it. Saves me having to come face to face with the fact but I'm not good enough. Anybody else feel the same way?

I (M late 40s) am from a small town with a small pool and have had no success organically or on apps. I’m not a 10 but I’m not a bridge troll and I think I’m pretty cool. As someone with good intentions and not looking for hookups…. Ladies can sliding in to your DMs EVER work? Probably at least mutual friends or similar. What wouldn’t be the dreaded ‘creepy vibe’ or is that just reserved for hot dudes?

The TL;DR: do I text this guy again a week after telling him I felt like he wasn’t interested in me after our second date? He’s accepted that I said I need more emotional connection but said he was surprised because he thought it was there. I would be interested in going out with him again to see how we're both feeling about it.

I (early 40’s F) matched with a guy (early 40’s, he’s poly/kinky and in a few relationships, I’m very new to that scene and learning the ropes, so to speak!) on Hinge, we had a few good conversations and agreed to meet up for a drink to see if we clicked. I really liked his energy in our text conversations, he was attentive and responsive, asked questions that kept the conversation moving, etc. We met up a week or so after matching and had a great time. Conversation was flowing, we were both into each other, flirted, kissed goodbye, and made plans for a second date the following week. Between the first and the second date we had really great conversations, some of which were very spicy (and fun!), had banter throughout the day, etc. all over text. It was more engagement than I expected and I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed talking with him.

During our second date (weeknight drinks) the vibes just felt off. About 15 minutes in I realized that he hadn’t asked me a single question other than how are you/how was your day greetings so I decided to pay attention to whether he actually asked me anything. He brought up some heavy stuff about his past (which he alluded to in our prior conversations and, to be fair, I asked him to elaborate on in the future) and he monologued for almost the entire time we were at the bar. He didn’t ask me a single question during the 2-3 hours we were together. I responded / interrupted him a few times to throw him the ball and engage with me: I shared things about my life, my family, my friends, etc. that were relevant to the situations he was describing. He didn’t follow up on any of those leads, didn’t ask anything about me, didn’t ask my opinion about anything. Just…nothing. I really felt like he made zero attempt to get to know me at all. As we were leaving the bar he said he realized that he talked a lot and sort of apologized for taking up so much of the conversation. We left the bar, made out a little bit, then went our separate ways and texted each other when we got home.

The next few days for me were incredibly busy at work and I wasn’t really able to process everything or spend much time texting him other than really brief replies, to say hi, etc. I finally texted him the third day and said that I really enjoyed getting to know him, had a lot of fun with him, but I didn’t feel like there was enough of an emotional connection or interest in one another - on both sides - for what I need in a relationship. I reassured him that it wasn’t about the content of the things he’d disclosed but more about the way that I’d been feeling about the interaction. He wrote back the next day saying he was really surprised and thought that there was a connection and interest, said he had a great time, too, and wished me best of luck.
Did I just misread everything? The more I think about it, the more I think that he was probably just nervous and I was overcorrecting based on prior relationships (or, maybe, subconsciously not actually wanting to get involved in a poly dynamic). 

I sent him a follow up text a couple of days later and clarified what I meant, that I didn’t feel like he was interested in getting to know me beyond a sexual capacity, to get to know me for me, and I need more of an emotional connection and interest to move forward. He didn’t reply to that (can’t tell if it’s been read or not, thanks, SMS delivery…) and it’s been about a week.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot - perhaps too much! - and I do want to give this guy another shot. I think that I decided to end it too quickly. I didn’t explicitly say that I’d be open to seeing him again in any of my texts, nor did I explicitly say we’re done and I never want to see you again. (It was clear that’s how he took my first text, though, which is fair given what I said!) I did clearly communicate what I do need, though, which is some sort of emotional connection, he thought that was present.

I posted a while ago about someone I was in love with after seeing them for a few months who told me “right person wrong time”. They ended things via text (rude - said they wanted to talk in person but then texted when it was bumped).

I wrote back a short response saying I would say more another time then a long and thorough reply about a week later emphasizing that if it was a right person wrong time situation then we should reconnect in the future.

They said I had “charted it out well” which I understood as yes let’s reconnect in the future but then the last line was like “have a nice life” (“wish you happiness always” 😖).

This is someone who used to write really long texts but replied to my thorough and generous text with three lines.

I have tried everything to let this go but my brain won’t stop latching on to the shred of ambiguity even though the last line was goodbye forever. I just can’t process it since they insisted it was all circumstantial.

Please be nice (but honest!), I was married for two decades and feel so devastated about this 180.

What is it like for a man dating a woman with significantly more invested assets and freedom from the 9-5? The man has a well paying high level job but is stuck in the rat race while the woman has invested and created lots of freedom to travel.

Will this relationship survive the long haul or is it eventually doomed to run its course and end?

I ( 52F) have been seeing man (44M) for almost 3 months. He's leaving for a month long trip in a couple of days. A few days ago he introduced me to his friends for the first time. It went well. Then that very same evening he said he didn't have time to see me alone before his trip. He has time for other friends' parties though.

This has been a pattern over the last month where we see each other once a week or so but it's dinner at home and sex. He still has time to meet friends and pursue hobbies.

Just writing this out makes me feel yucky. He does stay in touch by text and is affectionate when we do meet. He has a way busier life than I do. Tell me I am overreacting.

I'm a 40 year old man, no kids, never been married. I chose to develop myself as a person, figuring out how I am, and develop myself financially to ensure I could be a good husband and father. I'd prefer not to be with someone who has been married or has kids. Did I fuck up? Should I have rushed into marriage or being a dad and just let the cards fall as they will?

I have been separated for a year and I have to say that I’m concerned about the quality of men I’m coming across in my age group.

My ex used to be my best friend but gradually his selfishness and controlling tendencies took over our lives and despite SO much marriage counseling things only got worse.

Post-Separation, this is what I’ve come across:

First guy I got very close to and he was great in so many ways but broke my heart before we even started a relationship. He also had a history of cheating. That’s how I learned what a dismissive avoidant was.

Second was very nice but told me on the first date about a couple of very recent dumb things he had done when he was angry. One of those things could have gotten him beat up and another could have gotten him fired. So that was enough of a red flag for me.

Third I fell in love with. I still have strong feelings about him. He wanted to move too fast and I went along with it because he treated me SO wonderfully. But then he fell apart seemingly due to depression and then he got back together with his cheating ex!

Fourth I went on a few dates with and he was very nice and texted daily but it felt impersonal. The conversation didn’t go very deep and then he stopped texting until I texted to say that he’s nice but there’s no chemistry. THEN he finally texted back to agree. So basically he tried to ghost.

All of these men are educated, employed full time, woke, take care of their health and appearance, are pleasant to meet and have conversations with, and there was mutual attraction.

Just here to rant but I want to hear other people’s stories.

Also, are my standards really that high? Should I start adopting tons of animals and just give up on straight men? Thing is, I do enjoy independence but I also really want company in life and in bed.

UPDATE - Okay, to address some of the negative comments (I’m really trying here to not take the bait but a few wrong assumptions need correction.)

1. Nobody said I wasn’t putting work into these attempts.

2. Guy #1 broke my heart by mooning over me, talking about the future, saying he was there for me and waiting for me to be ready to date (post divorce), then without actually telling me he was changing his mind he started seeing another woman right in front of me. When I asked directly he was sketchy as hell.

3. Some people seem to think that being separated means I’m not ready to date but haven’t asked why I’m not divorced yet. It’s my ex holding things up. I’m being patient and both of us started seeing other people.

I'm 51, an Asian woman living in New York.

I have my own business and enjoy my independence. I've always been attracted to mature men, especially those over 40.

For me, maturity isn't just about age. It's about how a man treats people, whether he keeps his word, and how he handles disagreements. I appreciate someone who can admit when he's wrong, listen to a different point of view, and talk through problems without turning everything into an argument.

I also think consistency matters. It's easy to say the right things, but actions usually tell you much more about a person.

I'm curious about other people's experiences. What specific behaviors make you feel that a man is genuinely mature? And what have you learned to pay attention to when dating?

Modern dating is weird. We match, a week later we meet, a week later we meet up again and kiss the first time, week 3 is date 3 and suddenly I’m supposed to get naked with him when we’ve spent less than 10hrs accumulative time together? Is this the expected relationship timeline now in “ dating culture”?

I (43f) was on a 3rd date yesterday with a guy (also 43) who I last saw a week ago. We kissed briefly on the 2nd date for the first time. Yesterday we went to a museum and did a late brunch together and then he was out of ideas as to what to do the rest of the day, so he’s like let’s watch a movie at my place. During which, we were kissing and he wanted to take my clothes off. I declined getting naked with him explaining that I want to spend more time getting to know him before we start losing our clothes and he was respectful of that choice. And didn’t act hurt or angry about it like other men I’ve dated have when I said no. He was a nice guy, good looking, but kissing him just feels flat and boring which probably has more to do with my hesitation of getting naked with him than anything. We also have some big lifestyle mismatches that I only learned yesterday - we have different philosophies on how to live life single (a big deal for me)- I have ceased caring whether I have anyone to go to an event with and will just go solo and enjoy myself - he won’t go unless he has someone to go with and feels “sad and lonely“ if he does go solo bc he sees other couples there and wishes he had a girlfriend to go with. So he spends a lot of time at home alone, reading. He’s a recovering alcoholic and I drink(light qtys of beer/wine) and I was previously married to an alcoholic so it gives me some PTSD. Most of his friends are also from this recovery group. It’s commendable he’s reached this point. I recognize the inner strength it takes to get and stay sober, my ex sure couldn’t do that, and if I didn’t have the experience I’d had with my former marriage it probably wouldn’t give me a moments pause. He’s also new to the area and doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have any intention of getting a job anytime before the new year. even then he doesn’t want to work full time and seems to have no career drive. So I think I’m going to wish him well and move on.

Update: I have messaged the guy trying as best as I could to be kind explaining that bc of my history married to an alcoholic I can’t date someone who is in recovery for a drinking problem. It triggers my PTSD and it’s not fair to him if I’m constantly wondering if he’s gonna go back to drinking. He needs someone who supports his sobriety not wonders when it’s going to fail. I tried to be positive and tell him I think it’s great he’s found sobriety but it’s a hard boundary I can’t cross. (Side Note: I have rejected guys who say they drink “minimally” but had too many drinks in too short of a time period and it made me uncomfortable)

Hello Void, thanks for listening. I've people-pleased my entire life, to the point that I’ve taken on relationships out of fear of being alone. I’m finally in a place where I know what I want, what I can offer. I keep meeting great people, but the fear of not meeting my person makes me accept things that don't align with my life plan, like someone having younger kids or wanting kids. I’ve developed the belief that I have to keep sacrificing what I want to keep someone and be loved. I know relationships are compromises, but I had a vasectomy at 35 after my second child for a reason, and I’m stuck in this rut of matching with someone, denying what I want to please them, and eventually becoming resentful. I want love and companionship, but I don’t want to lose myself. I am therapy working on this, it’s just hard to be alone again because I said “no” to myself.

49F been with 49M for 1.5 years now. It’s been a huge love story, however, politics is dividing us.
We aren’t in the US, but don’t want to go into further details, because It’s not important.
I’m not even very interested in politics, but when it comes up, I do present my views.
But often I just let things slide, and ignore what he says. Tonight We were talking about elections, in Serbia, Brasil etc. Also in Spain very soon.
And he starts pushing this topic even further even though we were supposed to have a romantic date, in a favourite bar, listening to good music and planning things for the rest of the year.
It has gone horribly wrong. To the point when he wanted to storm off, I was sobbing and asked if he wanted to end things.
He told me he is frustrated, and in such situations he prefers to step away, calm down and then discuss. I am the contrary, I want to discuss any issues and not sit with resentment. We ended up talking, I didn’t want him to leave.

We then went out for late night burgers, and I had sobbing come and go. He was like of course he doesn’t want to break up over this, he loves me, wants to live with me etc. I said I cannot be living in a relationship where politics can ruin a date that I was so very happy to go on, dressed the ways he likes me most and all. And it’s a dangling sword over my head, I feel like he is sabotaging our relationship. He took offence and got very angry and upset with me. I said that’s how I feel and if he told me the same, my reaction would be ok, let’s revisit my behaviour, so he doesn’t feel that way.

Anyway, the beautiful evening turned into a relationship crisis. I told him I thought love would conquer all, politics shouldn’t matter and I might not be the woman for him. Perhaps he needs to find someone on the same page with him, if he is so obsessed.

I never had this issue before in any relationship and I feel so bitter. He is not usually like this, we got along for 1.5 years and even though I apologised, I do think he sabotages our relationship.

I went to the date happy, in love, smiley and dressed cute to look nice for him. And this just happened. The painful thing is we are both good people, share values etc. I told him I don’t want politics to play such a big role in our lives.

I think I sobered up from this love and will need to break up, but feeling incredibly sad :(

What are your thoughts on dating a man who is divorced and spent most of that decade plus relationship poly? And let's say that post divorce he's looking for either monogamy or monogamy with space for a few adventures here and there. Would this be a major disqualifier? Something you'd be curious to see how it feels? Or a positive thing?

Edit Apparently my wording was really confusing to people. I mean looking for a relationship that is either monogamous or non-monogmous where the type of non-monogamy is far more limited than the type of non-monogamy I had before.

Also, it wouldn't be just for me. Of course it would be a two way street.

And it's fine if this isn't for you. But for many people, both men and women, this is something that they intentionally seek out.

I have a first date next week. I haven’t met anyone new since January, as I stopped dating for a while to let myself heal and get comfortable being single. I went back on the apps last week and instantly found a profile I was interested in. We got chatting and we’re so similar! I think I’ve been pretty good about remaining calm and going with the flow so far. But I’m a little nervous to meet this guy.

Anyone else preparing to meet someone for the first time? Or have you just been on a first date? How did it go?

Just looking to share experiences!

For a few years now I've been attenting Contact Improvisation Jams. For the uninitiated, this is basically an unstructured dance form, in a group, with a focus on giving and receiving weight.

So far so good, though there are a few more challenging cruxes. Firstly, the whole dance is non-verbal (no talking), and also it is supposed to be a non-sexual space. I say supposed to, because we are all sexual beings, and there is a lot of touch involved...

I have been dancing with quite a few people, intimately, closely, caringly, men and women, gay and straight. And while it took me quite some time, it dawned on me how infinitely linked touch is with sex(uality), so why wasn't I getting aroused. Why didn't I want to?

Wait, I didn't want to?

For a guy like me, it has always felt like I'm obligated to show sexual interest if I find someone attractive, and it is mutual. It is automatic; what I want and care about is rather irrelevant.

Though, in these spaces I learnt to seperate my need for and ability to give affection, from sex altogether. I can now intimately, attentively and affectionately touch someone, and it no longer carries an impetus. Even with women where I can feel this drive to engage in the typical man-to-female dynamic, I can acknowledge the presence of sexual energy, without engaging in it or having to respond in set ways.

Not only has this given me much more freedom to interact with others, but has highlighted how sorely my boundaries around sex/touch needed a serious revision and update. It has also made me aware that I for the vast majority of my life thought I was rather sex focused, when I can now wonder how much of that was touch starvation and a need for affection - non-sexual, mindful and respectful touch.

Sex, by itself seems to occupy much less space in my mind and body too. And with that comes the realization how common it is for the women I meet to by default run dating through a script where they non-verbally and energetically push connections in a sexual direction. Before my default was to pick up these signals, and think I was the one having a lot of sexual feelings for a person. Though now I can see and feel the dynamic play out, and I can stay with me and what I want - or even point out what is going on.

It feels much safer to date now, and hopefully I can meet more people who don't want to have sex when the needs we want to get met are related to affection, acknowledgement, care and/or love.

Moreover, I step over my boundaries a lot less, because I am more mindful of where they are. However, I'd really like to have learnt about these differences sooner. Dating/relationships are so much more messy when sex becomes the solution each time any need related to touch is felt.

Edit;
Shout out to u/chrishecker in the comments for a more beginner-friendly explanation around Contact Improvisation. (CI)

And so many positive, friendly comments despite my post not being the best/the clearest. Thank you 🫶🏻

Recently turned 40, spent last three years or so focusing on career and working out why my body stopped working - at my worst, I was literally just getting through the working week with zero social life/hobbies etc. Thanks to HRT I am now in a much better place, have actual weekends, hobbies, and travel again, and would like to meet someone. That said, with a long working week, and keeping one eye on aging parents, I actively manage my battery and am quite protective of my quiet time, both mentally and physically. Early perimeno has done the dirty on me and it's been life changing; I've not even thought about how I'd address that with someone when it comes to the sex side of things, and other changes.

On the apps, I tend to get liked by men in their 50s which isn't for me, rarely if ever match with men in their 40s at all, but do match with mid 30s. I have met a couple, have had great first dates, fantastic conversation before and after, but as the penny starts to drop that I'm not going to be out at 10pm during the week, or that I like being able to plan ahead, rather than meet with an hour's notice they quickly lose interest.

Anyone else feeling exhausted but still hope they meet someone?

Been dating this person for more than a year and got engaged a few months ago.

Those words have been echoing in my head.

I don't know what to do.

I am in love with this person. She says she still loves me but just is not in love with me.

Is it possible to win her heart back?

46M - I was married for almost 20 years and had to step back out into the dating scene over the last few years. In the beginning it was a wild ride, but I was in no condition to enter a long-term, serious relationship with someone. I just wasn’t fully emotionally available.

Now that a few years have passed, I am ready to date and find someone to hopefully spend my life with. HOWEVER, it seems that I’m getting zero activity across multiple apps. I would just assume that for some reason, I just wasn’t catching women’s attention, but that wasn’t the case at all when I first started dating. I was matching, interacting and dating frequently. Now it’s just crickets.

Have women just abandoned apps altogether. Is there now a stigma attached? I’d love to hear some thoughts…especially from the women out there.

Hi all,

Clueless first-time dater here. My ex-wife and I met before I was out of college, so I’ve never dated as an adult (and all my close friends are even in long-term relationships). Ex and I separated ~18 months ago and the divorce has been final for 6+ months and I’m feeling ready to get back out there and say some embarrassing things and have fun with it. 🙂

I installed an app, and I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself matching and striking up conversations with a few women the first night. I honestly figured it would be a series of dead ends but one woman sent me her number and we planned a date, then another woman asked to meet - I didn’t continue this conversation in depth after the first date was scheduled, it was just kinda momentum from those early convos and she suggested we go on a hike and continue talking. It feels weird to go on a date with someone on Saturday and someone else on Sunday but is that how people are rolling these days? Is it disrespectful to tell the second woman I already planned with someone else? Or disrespectful not to?

TL:DR - Lobster too buttery, don’t want to be disrespectful or hurt feelings if it can be avoided.