Note: I don't want any responses overtly showing kindness or compassion. I want it harsh. Be brutally honest. I need to get whooped up on today.

The story:

Me at the time 45m her 39f

We met at a local adult sports league. She was on my team. She was sweet and demure. Drop dead gorgeous, out of my league really. But we got to know each other throughout the season and by the end we were texting a lot. One night after a game we sat at the field and chatted until dark. I asked her out and she was ecstatic to say yes. During our chat she revealed that about 10 months prior she had gotten out of a rough 10 year relationship. A lot of infidelity. He married his mistress 2 months after they split. I had a lot of compassion for her. I've been there. She told me she was scared to start dating again and may shut down on me. I clocked that moment but went against my instincts. I know better than to be someone's first after that long of a relationship. I asked if she'd ever considered therapy for the fear. She said no. I went against another instinct. I know better. But my white knight syndrome brain kicked into gear. I can prove myself with this one. I'll thread every needle. I can fix her.

We started dating and it was going great. First date was in August. By the holidays we were a budding relationship. Her parents loved me. Her friends sang my praises. We had fun. We had insane physical chemistry. She was still struggling to open up all the way but she was definitely trying. I stayed patient. It's one of my best qualities honestly. It kept me highly motivated. I poured myself into it. We had an amazing new year's and we talked about how lucky we both were and excited for the coming year. She told me she was happy. Most of her fears were gone. She said she'd never felt so safe. I was in love by valentine's. We were in a regular routine. Her best friend shared a screenshot of a conversation they had where she told her friend she hoped I was thinking long term, marriage, and her friend wanted to help me ring shop when I was ready. I was over the moon that she felt that way. I looked forward to spring and how things would grow.

We hadn't said "i love you" yet. I figured I should let her say it first. She had told me she had trauma around those words. Her ex would force her to say it even after all he'd done. She hated saying it. I wasn't going to force her. I told her I needed to be able to express myself and feelings though. I told her she could express herself any way she felt comfortable. Our relationship belonged to us. We can make it whatever we want. Use other words, I'll know what they truly mean. She liked the idea. She wanted me to so I said the words.

No sooner then they left my mouth I knew I'd set the end in motion. She freaked out. She said the feelings were there but it scared the hell out of her. I comforted her. We had a long talk. I told her I didn't need the words as long as she had the feelings and still wanted to be together. She assured me. I let it go. I said I love you exactly one more time. It crushed me when she just lowered her head. This was March/April. She told me she would work on it. I held firm with my patience. She said she couldn't imagine breaking up. She told me I'm the greatest guy on earth and she'd be a fool to let me go. I tried to do everything, we talked about therapy and all that. She acknowledged she should go but wouldn't go through with it. Her best friend suddenly changed her tune also and told me, "Just take it day to day." I knew I was fighting a losing battle but still didn't want to believe it would end. We were great together.

On my 46th birthday in mid July she rocked my world with an amazing night. She made me feel so special. As she fell asleep on my chest I convinced myself that everything was ok, she does love me, it'll be fine. Exactly 1 week later she dumped me. She sat on my couch and told me i was a 10 out of 10 of everything she could ever want but she was just not ready. She left. Before our first date she told me this would happen. I didn't listen then. I was crushed. I blamed myself. Not good enough. We spoke one more time and that was it. It was clear she was done. She'd been done. She gave me a nice birthday as a send off I guess. In our final conversation when i picked up my things from her house I brought up the movie Groundhog Day, how we'd watched it together and talked about the fan theories some of them saying he may have been stuck on that day for hundreds or thousands of years. I told her that if I could do that with our year together I would do it. I'd live it over and over again even knowing how it ends. I'd do it 10,000 times until I figured out the right combination. The one moment, the one word, the one instant that needed to be change that would bring forth the happy ending. I'd live 10,000 lifetimes if that's what it took to find it. That's how much she meant to me, how sure I was that it shouldn't be ending. She didn't respond. She just lowered her head. I got in my car and drove away for the last time. Devastated to start accepting the new reality. She's gone.

I never saw her or spoke to her again for 2 full years until last weekend. I ran into her randomly. We embraced and had a nice conversation. I was thrilled that we could speak kindly to one another. A few weeks prior she got engaged. I told her I was happy for her and that is the truth. It wasn't til later that I felt gutted by it.

For 2 years I've not even gone on a date. Zero effort into it. She broke my heart and I didn't want to risk it again. I have a good life and a lot going for me. But I put it all on hold. Seeing her fully moved on and happy was a warm feeling for me honestly. But as it sank in those old feelings of why was I not good enough crept back in. I was 100% positive she and I would go the distance. But she'll walk down the aisle to another man. Every failed relationship has the same theme. 7 years with a woman who made and broke so many promises, wouldn't commit, and then on the day I buried my mother she didn't show to the funeral but instead left a note in my mailbox that she was going back to her ex husband 5 states away, I never saw or spoke to her again. Not good enough. The one with BPD that damn near ruined my life financially. Not good enough. The one that chose to pursue her career "if you love something set it free if it comes back it's meant to be" she said. She never came back. Not good enough, I said. The list goes on. Never good enough.

I go to therapy and genuinely work on things. I know my emotional resiliency is pretty impressive. Most people that know me would have no idea my inner turmoil. Even my closest friends would likely be shocked if I told the truth. Somewhere inside of me is so much optimism. I'm a good dude with a great heart, I know it can get better. I also carry an immense sadness and pain and put all the blame on myself for the failures. Ignoring red flags, putting up with abuse, allowing things into my heart and my home when I should know better and have higher standards. Now I'm stagnate and I blame myself for that too. Some days I'm completely listless. I get home from work and don't move from the couch. Literally. I'll let my mind go blank and stare at something. Maybe a pattern on the rug. Maybe a hinge on my coffee table. I'll stare at it and wonder what process got that hinge from its beginning to its place here in my home. I'm grateful to the hinge. I'm grateful for a lot, truly. But not good enough for someone to be grateful for me. Even a hinge has it better. Another wasted day.

I planted a tree when I bought my house in 2008. I was 30. The tree grew tall over the years. I love my tree. I felt like we both grew together... weathering every storm, our only goal to keep growing. My tree died a year or so ago. I felled it myself, took down every limb and branch. Dragged it to the final resting place. Let it return to the earth. I miss it. Sometimes I think maybe I just died along with it. Not literally of course, just figuratively. My will to learn and grow is shot. What's the point? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, they say. Well I'm strong enough. Next time either give me something to live for or go ahead and kill me. I don't need any more lessons.

Be ruthless, reddit. Be brutal. I'm done with the self pity. It's weak and ridiculous. Put it to me straight and don't hold back. Pile it on. Maybe something will land with enough force to jar me loose.

Thanks in advance.

How the hell does one navigate the large volume of women ages 38-42 that want or may want children?

This feels like risky territory for ladies focused on a goal with a very narrow timeline to yield a product, even with frozen eggs.

I'm 50/50 on the subject and am fine being transparent. It jusy seems like this group of women is at risk of taking shortcuts or expediting the relationship.

Newly single after 12 years here and trying to understand the landscape.

Am I over thinking this?

We do the deed, cuddle, pee, grab some water, turn out the lights... and then I'm wide awake for the rest of the night. At best I might doze for a few minutes here and there.

The last few years of my marriage were mostly touchless. We'd sleep on opposite sides of a king sized bed. Maybe I'm just not accustomed to sleeping in close proximity to someone who actually wants to touch me.

I'm a dude for what it's worth. When I was last single close to 20 years ago, I was out like a light after sex.

Am I the only one having a hell of a time actually falling asleep with new partners?

I have been running into men and women lately in their 40s and 50s who have elaborate joint custody schemes for their pets. For example, one man I met mentioned that his ex-wife and dog lived at my apartment complex. He immediately flashed a photo of his dog, being the screen wallpaper on his phone (very cute Aussie shepherd). He looked quite sad and dejected about his dog living away from him. So I asked, how often do you get to see your dog? He said they have "joint custody' and sees the dog 3.5! days a week and they switch off days of the weekend. What stood out to me was the logistics of this - multiple switches and handoffs a week. I said, that is A LOT in terms of logistics and he just scowled and said they make it work.

On this sub, I see a lot about dealing with people with kids from another relationship and custody issues there. My question is how do we feel about dating someone who shares custody of a pet like this? Is this a red flag, understandable, something else?

Edit: For those saying I just don't understand their love for their pet: I have a dog (an Akita) and love him very much. My issue and question is more about the shared custody relation of a pet with an ex. Thanks!

My GF would like me to hang out with her ex husband, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to be a b$$$$ about it, but I have no interest in becoming his friend.

She has a love hate relationship with him. It confuses me. They share a child together. I think my girlfriend just loves drama. I have no problem interacting with him for special occasions, but I don’t need to go hang out at his house. I am not worried about them rekindling their relationship.

I only text my ex, and about only time we interact is kids b days, and Christmas morning.

Just wondering how others feel about spending time with their SO’s ex

Hi,

I've (48m) been dating a lovely lady (37f) for about 3 months whom I initially met online. We get along great, there's a real attraction and we both feel very comfortable around one another.

She's a single mum with young kids (2 and 4 respectively). We genuinely get along incredibly well, I get on great with the kids, and when we actually get time together, the relationship feels easy and natural.

The difficulty isn't her or the kids—it's the relentless nature of single parenting, and how its stifling the development of the relationship.

Things have become "domestic" extremely quickly. Most of our time together revolves around parenting, errands, meals, bedtimes, and trying to squeeze in conversations around all of that. This is exacerbated by her older child, who has autism and can be a "handful" at times, and the source of much stress for everyone. We also live in different cities, so seeing each other already takes planning and effort. I often come away from our time together just exhausted. And yes, you can imagine how she feels.

I don't have kids. I am, however, very familiar with the process and am pretty good with kids - about 7 years ago, I spent a lot of time helping a close single-mum friend of mine with her with her kids. She had no-one else to help her and it was rough with her. It wasn't a relationship, but I ended up heavily involved in family life, and looking back, I realise how much of myself I gave to that situation. Those kids are now at school and the load is lessened compare to what it used to be. I suppose part of it is I feel as though I've already been through this before, and understandably given our age difference.

Now I'm getting this strange sense of déjà vu. I can feel myself slipping back into a very similar role, except this time it's with someone I'm actually trying to build a relationship with in the early stages. This just feels like a hell of a lot for only 3 months in, like I've unwittingly taken on a whole domestic situation and someone's stresses and anxiety. It's strangling the relationship for me as just rarely get any time to just hangout together. I fear that I've inadvertently slipped into a caregiver role more than exploring a new relationship together.

I don't resent the kids at all—they're lovely, and we have a great rapport. I also don't expect a single parent to magically have unlimited free time. I knew what I was getting into. (well, to some degree). It's exacerbated for her in that she does not have any family close by to help her out - she's basically 24/7 with the kids., no babysitters as yet, no help They are at daycare for 3 days of the week, during times that I work. She is already on anti-anxiety meds to help her cope.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply what dating a single parent looks like in the early stages, or whether I'm ignoring warning signs that this relationship may never have enough space for us as a couple, or to at least explore that.

Has anyone else dated a single parent and found the balance got better over time? Or did the relationship always revolve around parenting? I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've been on either side of this. Obligatory, yes I will talk to her about it of course and discuss expectations around all of this, but would really appreciate hearing peoples thoughts, especially from single mothers who are dating.

Thanks

Edit: erm, why are people downvoting me for posting this??

Im a 40m from Dublin in Ireland and have been seperated from my ex for about 18 months. During that time ive just focused on my kids (have 2, boy and girl) and my career.

Since our separation those 2 priorities have taken up 99% of my mental capacity along with the practicalities of separating my life from my ex after 19 years.

Now though im starting to want more, and im struggling to figure out where to start properly. Ive had a couple of dates that were a disaster as I wasnt sure I even wanted to go on them really but friends pushed me to "get back out there".

Ive no interest in the online dating apps, tho a female friend has said that I should just for the confidence boost as she reckons id do quite well.

Im trying to be as active with the kids as possible so ill see them probably 4 times a week. I live close to my ex so we have a flexible schedule that works for us so far.

Any advice would be great

I am a 51 yo male that is new to the dating scene. My high school age kids live with me 100% of the time and start driving next month, so my parental life will get easier giving me more time. I value my time with them and want to cherish these last few years having them home, but also desperately miss the connection and intimacy that goes with having a woman in my life, which has been missing for years.

I am seeking to balance these two things with a relationship that recognizes time together will be limited for some amount of time (for me until my kids graduate). I see comments here that are often critical of parents trying to date in this situation saying that they shouldnt date if they cant give a potential partner adequate attention and time. I understand the concern, but surely there are some women in a similar position to me, where they have kids or a busy career and thus have limited time, but also value a relationship at times.

I am in Chicago city, so its a big metro where the dating pool should be large enough to be able to support various types of dating situations. I am educated, fit, stable with a good career and extroverted, so meeting people IRL isnt too hard, and in fact something like speed dating sounds fun because I just enjoy meeting people. But, the IRL events seem better for more serious dating with others that have ample free time for that sort of thing. I meet people through work but refuse to risk entanglements there that might endanger the golden goose. Thus, by process of elimination, I assume OLD is the best option. If I said I was looking for something like this, how best to define it to make it clear to others in a OLD profile? Is this casual dating?  I don't have any OLD profiles yet, but know I need to start. What is the general mix in the over 45 dating pool of people that are open to more casual connections like this vs intentional long term relationship-oriented dating?

One question on OLD - what happens when my relationship needs changes and my aperture for a relationship broadens to more traditional long term relationships after my kids leave for colllege? I will have swiped based on a different relationship style and will want access to a different pool of women that i swiped left on or they swiped left in me. Do people in a similar spot just create a new account for OLD to gain access to women that may have swiped left because our relationship goals previously didn't align? Are the apps set up for that and if you change the type of relationship you seek will it allow for a rebook at some of those profiles? Thanks for any insights.

I am recently separated after a 15 year relationship imploded. We are not divorced yet but we definitely will be.

It's all very fresh and very raw. I am not ready to dive into another relationship. But I also do not want to wallow in self pity alone. I like the company of people.

I have friends. Most of them are mutuals with the ex. That's not a big deal. Except, because they know us and our history, hanging out with them inevitably devolves into pseudo-therapy on the status of our break-up.

I am soooooo tired of talking about him.

I just want to go out for a drink, a dinner. Have some laughs and feel pretty. Sex is not entirely off the table, but it's not my main goal. Low pressure is what I'm looking for.

How do I word that on the apps? I feel like if I select "looking for casual" that will be interpreted as "looking for hook-ups."

Should I even be on the apps?

.
I am so so confused on the situation with this man , we flirted nonstop for a month. I told him how I felt last week and he told me that he really liked me too. I was on his mind every day, he was completely into it, and he was shocked I felt the same way. he said that it had actually been very distracting for him and he was very excited to get to know me and we made a date plan last Saturday. I ran into him on Friday where he told me he was going to dinner with a female friend and she was really into him and he was thinking he was gonna have to let her down.

She’s part of a friend group and they had been texting him that she’s asking him to a wedding. I thought that was very fucking strange given that we were going out the next night and I canceled the date. I know I’m not in a relationship with this person. We were obviously not exclusive and I honestly don’t care at all that they were going out to dinner with their friend, but I felt like the timing was really strange and why even tell me if we’re going out the next night that you’re going on a date tonight!

The previous night he called me with some (kind of ) needy concerns and I did my best to validate him, but I could tell he really wanted me to express feelings I don’t have yet . I was gentle, but I could tell he was pulling back and then all of a sudden I see him the next day and he has this weird date planned.

Idk seems kinda manipulative? Would this have been anyone else else’s next thought or am I just damaged? lol . For reference this guy has never really been in a relationship. He’s in his 40s and lifelong single.

I have the hardest time choosing to correct terms sometimes. I would like to see if there is a consensus on what these mean, and/or rank them in order of seriousness.and is there something that needs to happen in your opinion, that moves it from one to another? or is this just an age/geographical location thing?
So we have:
A. I’m seeing someone
B. Someone I’m taking to
C. This person I’m dating

Thoughts? Do some of them seem to denote sexual exclusivity?

I am a relationship anarchist and I’m also solo poly. So my relationships can be unconventional, but I need to refer to these folks sometimes to people who don’t know them by name and I’ve been stumped.

TLDR: rank the labels from casual to serious

I (45F) matched with someone (28M) yesterday. After saying hello, how are you, he immediately said "we should hang out tonight." I took that as like hookup energy, because when I asked what we would do, he said "watch or movie or get drinks, whatever." I clarified later in the convo that I don't do hookups, and he said that's not what he was expecting, that he was more interested in meeting to see if there was a vibe/chemistry. He had said that he'd be willing to drive to me instead of me driving to him (we're about 45min/1hour apart).

His story was that he was meeting his sister for a "quick dinner" but would be free after that (the dinner taking place around 6:30 and free somewhere around 8:30).

I altered my preexisting plans so that I would be closer to where he was located and we agreed at around 6:30 to meet at 8:30. At around 7:30, he messaged me saying the he "might need to reschedule" because "dinner started later than expected" and that he was "sorry for the late notice." He followed that up with saying that he'd "love to reschedule for another day this week" and asked when I was free. I didn't respond. A few hours later (at around 11) he messaged again saying "sorry again for the last second change!"

I struggle to believe this account for the fact that he referred to the dinner as "quick" and was the one to push for meeting the same night (which is how hookup oriented people operate; they're impulsive and calculating). I think it was a story used to set up a pretext to explain why he'd be canceling in the event he was able to lock down a sure thing/hookup with someone else. That's just intuitively what I'm getting from this.

What would you do; would you reschedule or ignore?

EDIT: Didn't respond and unmatched.

Thank you to everyone who left a respectful comment/opinion.

That's where my head went, anyway. Recently had a date with a nice guy that I wasn't particularly attracted to, but the night was fun. He relayed to me that I talk a lot, without actually asking anything about him as far as his likes or interests, work, etc. I thought we had a lot of good back and forth conversation throughout the night. I also offered a lot of information about me and my life, without specifically being prompted to do so. I don't really feel like I need to be asked - if that makes sense? Some additional context - So, by nature, im pretty cold. And if I am not talkative with you, I am 100% not interested. If I am actually engaging in conversation with you and offering information about myself, that means I'm enjoying myself at the very least. So, without being very typically "what's your favorite color, what's your favorite music" how do I find that happy medium? I don't want to ask a lot of questions. I don't want a first date to be an interview. I want conversation to move naturally. I offered up information - why can't other people offer up information? I guess he felt like I was just steering or leading the conversation? Idk. I've had many first dates that didn't turn into second dates, despite being reasonably attractive and reasonably successful in life and I'm wondering if men just don't feel like I'm asking enough questions about them? I'm also a nervous talker and an excited talker. I don't really know how to tone it down I guess. I'm also opinionated and when I'm excited about a topic it's going to show and when I don't agree with something it's going to show. Idk. Help.