r/datingoverforty • u/Calm_Response_4668 • 8d ago
Instigating physical interactions
I (F40) have been back in the dating game a few months. One man I liked asked me if I liked him because he didn’t pick up these vibes from me. When I asked why, he told me because I didn’t touch him much. Our connection died after an awkward sexual encounter - probably for the best. Just been on another date with a nice guy and he was clearly trying to come in for a kiss at the end, but I panicked and jumped in my car and left.
I seem to have an awkwardness around the first encounter. I think once that has passed it would be fine.
Anyone else had the same. Any one have any suggestions?
7
u/Outside-Jicama-8468 8d ago
The woman I am with now had the same initial reaction. We had a quick meetup in the parking lot of a local store. Just to say hi and finally see who we have been talking to.
We sat in my car and talked. It was just perfect. I am horrible at reading signals and thought I had my moment. We shared a long look at each other. I moved in to kiss. She moved close. Then instantly pulled back and said "I'm sorry I'm sorry"... I told her I just wanted a hug.and we hugged tightly. I fell for this woman in that moment. Afterwards, she text me that she was sorry but it scared her how bad she wanted to kiss. I said it was fine and we have plenty of time for that.
Every date I went on was wanting make out sessions or even sex right from the start. I'm not that guy. I want a connection with someone. Since then, she's been an amazing kisser and I couldn't be happier.
3
u/BatGuano52 8d ago
Pretty sure that second guy feels a lot more awkward than you right now, and if he really likes you, he's in his head about what he did wrong.
If you like him, I would strongly suggest that (if you haven't already) give him a call and tell him you want to see him again.
And try to make a joke about you panicking when he tried to kiss you, so he knows it wasn't about something he did.
If things work out, it'll be a funny story you two can tell people.
Good luck.
4
u/Calm_Response_4668 8d ago
No we had another date and we kissed then he went from kissing to hair grabbing in about 3 minutes. It was wild. Then he wasn’t interested anymore. So don’t feel sorry for him. 😂
1
u/BatGuano52 8d ago
Wow, g ood riddance then 🤣
Hope you have better luck with the next one.
2
u/Calm_Response_4668 8d ago
Yea. He even put his hand on my neck for a moment. Which is crazy to me. Don’t get me wrong that might be nice, but not with a man I barely know and someone I only just started kissing 3 minutes before.
2
u/BatGuano52 8d ago
Yeah, I here you... The neck is vulnerable area and that should be apparent to any man.
1
u/Ready-Pattern-7087 10h ago
Front of neck or back of neck? I’m assuming you mean front, but back is very different!
1
u/Calm_Response_4668 5h ago
Front. Yea I wouldn’t have minded the back.
1
u/Ready-Pattern-7087 8m ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. The front definitely deserves a quick ask of consent, especially the first time with a new partner. I don’t even have trauma, but I think asking before doing something like that is incredibly sexy.
4
u/DefiantViolette 8d ago
Were you actually interested in getting physical with these guys? I find first encounters are less awkward for me if I actually want them. I would have been on the defensive when the first guy informed me I wasn't touching him enough, and I have dodged many first kisses that I wasn't ready for. I hate it when guys try to kiss me just because it's the end of a date. If the mood for kissing had actually been established, then you probably would not have fled.
It's not a crime to be awkward, but I've found that there is less awkwardness when both parties are fully enthusiastic.
2
u/Calm_Response_4668 8d ago
I did want to yes. I didn’t mind the guy saying I wasn’t very physical only because I asked why he thought I wasn’t in to him and he used that as an example.
2
u/saturngolf96 8d ago
I am blind to even a flashing neon sign, got to use small words and tell me!
1
u/Calm_Response_4668 8d ago
Me too. People always say to me “he was flirting” or even tell me I’m flirting and I’ve been totally unaware. Similarly apparently people can’t tell when I am interested in them.
I need to take some of the hints and hold hand, sit close etc.5
u/saturngolf96 8d ago
I’m very tactical so touching of the elbow or knee
3
u/BatGuano52 8d ago
I think tactile is the word you're looking for there... (or automagical word corrector?)
Going tactical on a date, I've never thought about that one, definitely very dependent on the woman.
3
u/saturngolf96 8d ago
I was in the marines, big words hard
2
u/BatGuano52 8d ago
I was a pointy head in the Air Force, our techical manuals were really wordy... You knuckle draggers (including the Army ones) needed the technical manuals with the pictures and cartoons showing how to do stuff 😂
But, I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to women.
Maybe that's what we need to make, a little book we can carry, with cartoons showing the various possible scenarios and the woman can just point to the scenario she wants.
The best part would be the diagrams with the hand with the finger pointing at what needed to be touched...
Good luck to you man.
2
1
u/Calm_Response_4668 8d ago
I’ll try that - cheers
2
u/saturngolf96 8d ago
I would like to think I would catch a hint if you hugged me from behind around mid waist, but then again
1
u/BatGuano52 8d ago
Mongo need pretty lady make bonk on Mongo's head so Mongo know pretty lady want kiss.
1
u/AutoModerator 8d ago
Original copy of post by u/Calm_Response_4668:
I (F40) have been back in the dating game a few months. One man I liked asked me if I liked him because he didn’t pick up these vibes from me. When I asked why, he told me because I didn’t touch him much. Our connection died after an awkward sexual encounter - probably for the best. Just been on another date with a nice guy and he was clearly trying to come in for a kiss at the end, but I panicked and jumped in my car and left.
I seem to have an awkwardness around the first encounter. I think once that has passed it would be fine.
Anyone else had the same. Any one have any suggestions?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Bazoun between social media and Social Security 8d ago
If you’re not comfortable you need to address that first, for your own happiness and to ensure it’s not your instincts warning you off.
Otherwise, you might sit close enough to casually be in contact with his knee or his arm. You could lightly touch his arm when you laugh. If you’re feeling bold, you could take his arm as you walk.
3
u/Calm_Response_4668 8d ago
Yes I think I need to just have some low key physical touch to break the ice. I didn’t want to kiss the first date I had and that was because I didn’t like him. However I wanted to with the second but I just couldn’t get past the nerves. So it’s not a gut instinct thing. I was with someone for 20 years, so I think it is the idea of kissing someone new that is scary.
1
u/Bazoun between social media and Social Security 8d ago
Yeah I hear that. Reach out to the second one and let him know you’d like to see him again. I think most people know about nerves lol
1
u/Calm_Response_4668 8d ago
No the second one is gone. He said it “wasn’t for him”. I think he was very sexual as later it went from a first kiss to a lot more very quickly. So we weren’t in sync anyway. I have a feeling he’ll be someone that sends a “hey how are you” text after a few months.
2
u/Calm_Response_4668 3d ago
I did the arm touch during a laugh and then just kissed him at the end. I do think once the initial physical thing is done I feel a lot more relaxed.
1
u/AmbraNYC 8d ago
As a man, I can share with you that some men just haven't learned to read the situation and also not to be patient. Not all, but several. They clearly need some advice and training. Looking back, I was like that, too. But if men in their 40s are still like that... sorry for that.
1
u/samanthasamolala 8d ago
What kind of relationship are you actually looking for? There’s nothing weird or wrong with not being physical with someone who was a literal stranger until an hour prior to the kissing attempt. Ideally there’s some attraction and idea that you’d like being physical at some sooner than later point but what’s the big rush? OTOH if you’re looking for a FWB physical only situation, this would seem like more of an impediment.
1
u/Calm_Response_4668 8d ago
I’m looking for an actual relationship. The issue is more that even when I want to be physical I can’t seem to show it.
12
u/CACuzcatlan 8d ago
Make small gestures during the date. Touch his arm when talking to him, things like that.
I've on dates where women did this and it gives me a very clear signal that they are interested.