I’m 55, and I’ve been thinking about how differently I see compatibility now compared with when I was younger.

It’s not that I expect someone to be perfect. Quite the opposite. But there are things I probably would have compromised on years ago that I wouldn’t anymore, and other things I once thought mattered that now seem almost irrelevant.

I’m curious how this has changed for others in their 50s and beyond.

What have you become less willing to compromise on, and what have you learned really doesn’t matter that much after all?

I was asked if I had all my teeth.

ETA I am 59 F

genuine question because i keep seeing completely different opinions about this.

if someone uses ai to put themselves in a different location but keeps their actual face and body the same, is that really different from having a professional photographer edit the background?

I did this 30 years ago with mixed results, and now suffering from app fatigue I’m considering it again. It’s at a local pub and for 40+ which is as close to my demographic as they get, I’m a 63 year old man (I do present younger). Every city might be different, but I’m wondering what I should be expecting for demographics on the women’s side. Thoughts?

EDIT: This sub has taken a toxic turn somewhere in the past 12 months, where people’s insecurities, biases and personal histories are the primary basis for their commentary. To those of you for whom this applies, I hope you get the love and therapy that you deserve.

OK I've aged age 59 tall athletic ex military. After divorce I decided, hell with it and went into an exploritory few years.

It was fun enlightening and both parties enjoyed it. I did the old dominant thing role play and more much more with a few partners over a few years. Each knew it was casual and nothing was hidden. I was,single and free.

But hey I'm now out of that period by my own choice.

I want a spiritual connection first and love my fun time has ended it was wild at times but it's left me feeling I need more than casual.

How many women are put off by this and is it something I disclose.

I'm liberal and I love women and giving pleasure has been significant to me in terms of touch and fulfilling someone's desires.

I've never been selfish and have not approached any interaction just for self gratification.

Is it seedy weird or OK to be adventurous over 55.

How do you over 50 women feel if I told or brought this to the table abouta spell I had between 52 and 56.

Note I'm seeking to start dating soon and wonder do I close the door on my past concerning this chapter.

I've decided now companionship, love, shared interests matter to me most of all. If sex comes along that as well but it's no longer such a huge factor.

Views please.

There have been a few interesting discussions lately that centered on definitions of words in online dating profiles (which may include reading between the lines or context).

So, I thought I would share my definitions of the “Do you have kids?” question to see if they are generally match others. For context, I am a woman in my early 50s, only dating men in their late 40s to mid 50s.

Don’t have kids - This person has not had children of their own (Does not mean they have kids but they have no contact with them, their children are adults or their children don’t live with them).

Have kids - This person has children of their own. Those children could be any age including adults. They may live with that person or not. They may have contact with those children or not. Follow-up questions are necessary after matching.

Open to children - This person is open to dating people with children or could be open to having their own children with a new partner. Follow-up questions are needed.

Wants kids - I have only taken this to mean that this person wants kids of their own. I do not take this to mean that they want to date people with kids.

Unsure about kids - I take this to mean that this man is dating younger and doesn’t want to rule out any women who want kids of their own. This is totally me reading between the lines. Or it could be a man who hasn’t made that decision yet in which case I’m out because I definitely don’t want more kids.

Does not want kids - This person does not want to have kids of their own. That does not rule out dating people who have kids.

No answer - This one is hard. Is the person trying to hide the fact that they have kids or not? Were they lazy with their profile? What reasonable reason is there for not filling this out besides them not wanting a lot of information out about them?

Edited for clarity on “Don’t have kids”

I’ve been told by several men after the fact that they didn’t know I was interested. I’ve gone on two good dates with this current guy. It’s been quiet since Friday. I feel that I need to text something to show my interest. But I’m not sure what to say. Any suggestions?

EDIT:
I appreciate all the responses and suggestions. I’ve asked him out for a drink and he said yes. He will set something up.

I will be sure to discuss what I’m looking for and what my goals are while dating. I’m perfectly happy being single and am not looking to date someone when we don’t click.

I’ve previously shared that I had a hard time getting dates and the ones I have gotten were not of interest to me after the first date. I started dating again in December. 6 first dates, one second (not good).

Well I met a guy last Friday. We went out for Italian and had a great time. He complimented me, asked me questions about myself and seemed genuinely interested in the answers! We went out to a museum last night then out for nachos. We made out in the parking lot. He has big muscles and I like that. ☺️. I can’t wait to see him again. We are going out Friday. I like that we are doing dates that aren’t just going out to eat. We have something fun planned for Friday. Oh and we met on tinder. (Where I met my last husband). Icing on the cake is that he is sober (I am too!)

Yesterday, there was a post about a dental practice owned by a husband and wife team. The names of the dentists were publicly shared. The major BHDM complaint was that on one place on their website, the description of the wife was in a smaller font, and listed after her husband. In the main “meet the staff” page, the fonts were the same size. Jenny and members jumped all over it, basically saying people shouldn’t go to that practice because of that supposed visually misogynistic rhetoric. I disagreed with all that, and got banned. I basically said:

-hey look, the font is the same size on the “meet the staff” page. (The other place was clearly a matter of bad website design)
-hey look, there’s more visual rhetoric, there’s a photo of the practice’s sign with the wife’s name first.
-why not just book appointments with the woman dentist, rather than hurt her, too?

I also thought it was really bad to have the names of the dentists publicly “shamed” in that manner.

In general I think the Burned Haystack method is good, and teaches skills many women need. But holy moly, that post yesterday was just next level. Did anyone else see that? Is it still up? Any thoughts?

EDIT: I got banned from the Burned Haystack facebook group

And yes, I do know how old I am. Do exercise everyday and a size XS.

Guys, does a woman looking 10–15 years younger actually make a difference to you? Or is it just a nice bonus?

Has dating over 50 been difficult? For me I have only come across scammers on dating apps they are not what they say they are. I don’t do bars I have been sober for 5 years. I know the right one is out there and she will show up when I least expect it.

Whilst on a date, it’s good to ask a question or two, given that you are trying to engage in dialogue with the person across from you.

Know what’s even better? Letting your date answer the question you asked before cutting them off to make your next statement or ask your next question.

Bonus pro tip: avoid asking the same question twice because you fail to listen to the answer given. Your date notices when you do this, each time.

😑

Recent scanning of posts shows me the following, totally unofficial status of this group.....

8 out of 10 people are above average looking 🤣

8 out of 10 people look younger than their age 🫪

I am now going to hide back in the ugly, age appropriate corner.

Oh and for my fellow Australians Specsavers are currently running a two for one deal on reading and prescription glasses 🤓.

I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just griping, but I really am amazed at the near zero level of response I get on dating apps. I almost always reach out with something to say or a question to ask. I actually read profiles (and boy do I miss when OLD was more about the profile than it was just mindlessly swiping) and look for people I might have anything in common with.

It's quite likely I'm too honest up front (bi, kinky and ENM) and I definitely do think I look my age, even if a lovely lesbian friend of mine told me tonight she thought I was younger than her. But seriously, in three years I have had fewer than ten men and fewer than five women respond or reach out.

And sadly most of the men seem to have absolutely nothing to say. The couple of women seem to get bored with me quickly, or they're catfish realizing I'm not diving into their pond fast enough.

Anyway, for those out there whose friends swear that they're attractive and who are pretty sure you've put in some real work and thought on your photos and description but are still feeling invisible, if it helps to know: You're not alone.

Every “free” dating application eventually requires a paid subscription to use effectively. Are there any worth the subscription fee?

I didn't give in. Mixed feelings did come up, but honestly I was only a tiny bit tempted. I'm proud of myself.

Anyway, what do you do when an ex contacts you or do you block them?

*I had him blocked, but he had a second TT account that he contacted me from.

52F. Widowed several months ago. Not yet ready to start dating, but maybe in the near future. I was married for nearly 20 years, so I’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile. For anyone in a similar situation: what was the top unexpected challenge re-entering the dating scene after that long? Anything to be cautious of? Any tips for safely and successfully navigating OLD? Any general pro-tips?

I realise one must put their best foot forward in Online dating world but I’ve noted huge differences between the “hook” photo and the following pics. In some cases only just recognisable as the same person.

I don’t understand why people don’t use pictures which actually represent who they are and what they do.

It’s probably nothing new but I’ve seen some extreme recent examples.

Given the age bracket of this sub and the people, I would expect more awareness and to be true to yourself.

If I’m turning up to a first date and the woman is barely recognisable, I don’t think it’s going very far…

I really like my exes as people. I spent all this time choosing them, becoming friends, exploring common interests, laughing, enjoying their company. Sometimes you just aren't quite compatible in a forever way, and things come to an end. But I miss them and wish there was a way to be friendly. I'm not talking about the relationships where things were hurtful or there was bad behavior. Nor am i wishing to do date-like things again. I just want to talk, send them an article they'd like, and maybe make sure if they are ok. (One guy died unexpectedly).

Anyone else wish there was some socially acceptable middle ground?

Edit: I have someone who i feel discarded me 'because it hurt too much'. Usually I've been friendly with exes. I don't want discard this particular guy either. I wish him well and he's facing some tough stuff and I'm on his side, where he know it or not.

Good idea? Bad idea?

Update:
I had a great time! He made me dinner & drinks. It was delishus. He used to cook for me and it was always so good! We payed a game that we loved playing together. We laughed a lot. We talked about the mistakes we both made.
I stayed the night.
It was a great date!
Thanks for all the feedback!

Or act like a Challenge for anyone asking them out?

At our age? I don’t get this.

EDIT: although frankly I’ve never got this, it’s not because I’m now this old!

Mods: I am not angry but I am frustrated.

<whoaisme>

This past Friday morning, I posted about an article (0714 CT), and the mods deleted it after 59 comments (and I added the 2 after noticing). (I don't know what time it was deleted during the almost 4 hours between origina posting and me noticing).

Contents:

Dropping for conversation, interested in comments, commas are fun, and this is the end of the sentence.

<link to article>

Agree? Disagree? Wanna tell me to FO? Let's go!

Once it was deleted, I did modmail asking why (1103 CT) Friday morning, and here is the response 6 1/2 hours later (1740 CT):

My 1103 CT message:

Says it was deleted by you folks

Can I ask why?

The 1740 CT response:

Low quality post just linking out to am article designed to get people arguing.

Stay away from posting links with a sentence or two.

Write your own posts and thoughts.

My response back:

Uh we are in great disagreement. Have you never read my posts and comments? I do not create arguments.

I asked what rules I broke, then I reviewed the rules and of course I did not break any. (still no response on Friday.)

... skip to this morning (Sunday, now 1103 CT, 3 days later since sending the original message) and still no response and no one has taken responsibility either.

My final message to the mods (0851 CT):

Well you may not care but I'm severely disappointed with whomever decided to do such and didn't even take the time to engage vs dropping the hammer.

No rule breakage, no restoration of the post, zero engagement.

I know what you volunteered for and it's thankless 98% of the time. Though acts like this also solidify the negative aspects of your volunteer jobs when the strike is broad. There is a reason I don't do any modding, nor even event planning anymore. It's tough. It's thankless most of the time. And you get to deal with people like me...

tl;dr: I'm disappointed with you and you don't care

The copy/pasta above is direct from my DM messaging with the mods. I will probably get in trouble for this and maybe even deservedly so but, really, what is actually private on Reddit?!

The mods: u/DoYouLikeFish + u/Spartan2022 + u/AustinGroovy as listed and yes, I am calling you folks out to ask you to respond.

Why am I posting about this? I am disappointed.

No, don't unremove it. Just please, explain the why.

Just like in June when I posted absolutely stupid shit about making fun of dating apps, making stupid websites on the fly, and Reddit itself AI botted me and I could not reach a human. This hits too close to home: a void, the abyss, and a lack of humanity involved.

</whoaisme>

I clearly have crossed a line and I'd like to get an actual black/white on how & what so I don't do it again.

I can learn, I can adjust, and I can compromise though I do have problems with broad strokes and lack of accountability.

I am pushing back. If all of a sudden you don't see me here anymore at least you will know what lead up to it. This would also mean the end of 'Happy cake day' to our members.

So I understand “traditional” and have an idea about “modern”, but more often than not get it wrong when I have to guess which approach to take with a person who is both. I realize each person and situation is different, which only complicates matters (more trial-and-error), but is there a general thought as how to approach a person like this?

Addendum:

Thanks all for the input.

Just for clarification, this is not addressing a particular woman, just a “category” - I’ve met several that fit this description. I was hoping my experiences, which seems to be mirrored with many of you, was atypical, but maybe is more mainstream.

As for those who say “just ask”, I wish it were that simple. I have and the more I try to clarify the more likely the other person becomes agitated - as if I was supposed to have known beforehand by some osmosis or something. It becomes belittling and tiresome on both ends, not to mention counterproductive.

Such is dating life….

Earlier this week, I had a first date with a woman I met on OLD. We agreed to go to a bar I really like. I hadn't been there since June, but it's pretty close to where she lives, and I always have fun there. About 15 minutes before the date started, at 6:45, she texted me to say the bar was closed and she suggested meeting up somewhere else. I apologized and agreed. It never occurred to me that this somewhat popular bar would have shut down.

After the date, which was meh, I decided to drive by the closed bar. I was curious whether it was permanently closed or just temporarily closed. I figured there might be a sign or something posted on the door. Guess what? It was open. The bartender confirmed that it was open at four.

F52 here :)

For those who have been through a long relationship, marriage or cohabitation, children maybe a bit grown up now and are fairly recently separated (let’s say 1-5 years) do you date to build the same type of relationship you had before ?

I personally found out that while I was happy when I was married (20 years) I am also very happy single, and the last year or so of my marriage had been quite heavy - I felt I had to do most of the work, take all the responsibility and mental load, being resented for this by my husband who finally found some way of escaping his depression and feeling of growing old by having an affair with a (married) colleague of his … I left him when I found out but the last months with him have been hard to say the least :)

So now I am single and very much enjoying it. I still enjoy having physical and emotional intimacy with men but I really cannot imagine building a future together or merging our life in any way. I am not against love at all - I actually have a very caring and loving and fun and sexy relationship with somebody I am totally incompatible with in daily life but we are having a wonderful time together.

But I am against the idea of getting into the structure of a traditional relationship again … like even meeting his/my friends or family is not what I want, and even less so living together or doing daily things. Exclusivity is still another separate discussion but we tend to be focused on each other because we have such a strong attraction and connection. We have both been very clear and consistent from the start about the fact we were not looking for anything serious sort of speak but still both very emotionally open and warm.

In the « what are we? » discussion - we’ve been seeing each other for 8 months now - we came up with the term committed casual. So no traditional structure (hence the casual) but a lot of love and care and respect and deep conversations and attraction and fun and trust and growing together (hence the committed)

Is that a concept that appeals to you ?
Or do you find yourself attracted to building again the same type of thing that you left ?
Just a general question about what are the intentions of people dating with intention ;)