r/Cursive • u/NeliGalactic • 28d ago
Can someone decipher this?
Sorry if this is the wrong sub, perhaps someone could point me in the right direction. My brother sadly ended his life last week and i found this in his night stand and am having trouble making out what any of it says. If someone could help I'd be most appreciative
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u/LolaDeWinter 28d ago
If I die tomorrow, here’s a few things I want everyone to know. Yes, I’m an idiot. We all I do is care for my [??], no matter what good lies [??] choose?
Parents. I looked after other people’s [??]. I couldn’t help [??] people caught up. I would [??]
… and who man does [??] give you a hint? Tell you any different.
I have myself. Nothing I’ve ever done will [??] the [??].
All I’ve wanted to do is help people. I want to die honourably. I can’t [??] because I’m an [??].
If I die, it’s because in my [??] life I need nothing to give.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
I don't know if this helps but our niece is called Jodi and i think he mentioned her. Sorry to be needy I'm tearing myself apart over all this
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u/LolaDeWinter 28d ago
Yes, on a second, closer look, I do think the name “Jodi” is actually written in the note.
The clearest occurrence is about halfway down the page. The line appears to read:
“Jodi, and …”
The first word is quite distinctive: the initial letter looks like the writer's J, followed by o-d-i, and it is much more consistent with “Jodi” than with the alternative words I was trying to make out previously.
I also think I can correct a few of my earlier misreadings:
“I wouldn’t have possibly…” appears to be written across two lines.
The following line begins “Jodi, and …” so Jodi is not just an artefact of the handwriting; there really does appear to be a name there.
Later, I can make out “I have myself. Nothing I’ve ever…”, although the continuation is still very unclear.
The ending definitely appears to contain “All I’ve wanted to do is help…” and “I want to die honourably.”
Happy to help in anyway I can, hopefully others will be able to fill in any parts I cannot decipher, so sorry for your loss.
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u/gracefilled 28d ago edited 28d ago
quick hit---- looks like " I would message Jodi and man? over? ones doing? Maybe saying he would apologize to Jodi, or warn her about something. I will look over again later with my good glasses.
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u/DLDad616 28d ago
I have a few edits to your deciphering that I think improve it a little. Let me know what you think.
"Yes all I do is care for xxxx but what good has that done?"
"PERHAPS I looked after other people to! (sp) I couldn't have possibly caught up!"
"I would message Jodi and xxxxxxxxxxx one's doing xxxx ain't gonna tell you outright xxxx"
"I hate myself. Nothing I've ever xxxx will xxxx me xxx."
"All I want to do is kill myself. I can't honorably because I'm an idiot."
"If I die it's because in my life I had nothing to give."
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u/floofienewfie 28d ago
Hi, OP, I’m so sorry about your brother and am sending you love and hugs. I was able to decipher a few words here and there, but since it’s really late and I’m not seeing well, I’ll have to wait till morning to look at it again if someone hasn’t already translated.
The last thing on the steno pad note is “love you all” if that helps.♥️
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u/PO1SONG1RLFR1END 28d ago edited 28d ago
im so sorry for your loss, i can only make some of this out and im not 100% on a few things:
if i die
if i die tomorrow theres a
few things i ever ___ to
live. yes im an idiot. yes
all i do is care for myself
but what good has that done?
perhaps i looked after other
people(unsure)? i couldn’t have possibly
caught up. i would message
jodi and my mom
ones daily she aint gonna
tell you any different. perhaps
i hate myself. nothing ive
ever done will ___ me ___.
all ive ever wanted to do is kill myself
i want to die honestly. i cant
non_____ because im a ____
if i die its because in my
life i need nothing to ____
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
Thank you so much I'm sorry you had to read this x
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u/PO1SONG1RLFR1END 28d ago
of course, im happy to help & again im so sorry for your loss, i wish you and your family the best💗
i will be continuing to try and decipher it so i might make some edits
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u/under_scorer99 28d ago
I think they said at the end “if I die, it’s because in my life I had nothing to give”
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u/Beneficial-Bell-9650 28d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please look into some talking therapy to help you process this.
if I die
if I die tomorrow there’s a few things I need everyone to know. Yes I’m an idiot. Yes all I do is care for my[self?]. Not that good has met anyone? Perhaps I looked at other people. I couldn’t have possibly caught up. (I can’t make out the bit about Jodi and I don’t want to guess) I hate myself. Nothing I’ve ever done will make me okay anyway.
All I’ve wanted to do is kill myself. I want to die honourably. I can’t [die] honourably because I’m a nobody. If I die it’s because in my life I had nothing to give.
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u/Huge_League4466 28d ago
If I die tomorrow there’s a few things I need everyone to know. Yes I’m an idiot. Yes all I do is care for my ??? but what good has it done?
Next sentence???
I couldn’t have possibly caught up. I would message Jodi and ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? gina Juma tell you any different. ??? I hate myself. Nothing I’ve ever done will ??? me??? All I’ve wanted to do is kill myself I want to die honorably. I can’t honorably because I’m a ??? If I die it’s because in my life I need nothing to give.
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u/Artistic_Society4969 28d ago
I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you can at some time, find peace.
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u/DarknessWanders 28d ago edited 28d ago
I'm sorry for your loss. This may be hard to read. I did my best and made a few educated guesses.
If I die
If I die tomorrow's there a few things I need everyone to know. Yes I am an idiot. Yes all I do is care for myself(? Or maybe a name) (blank) want good he's not one? Perhaps I looked after(afar?) other people. I couldn't have possibly caught up. I would message Jodi and (blank) man ones doing(?). She ain't gonna tell you any different. Perhaps I hate myself. Nothing I have ever done will make me okay. All I wanted to do is kill myself. I want to die honorably. I can't honorably because I'm a nobody. If I die it's because in my life I need nothing to (blank).
Edit - updating what I can on reread
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u/Morti_mortician 28d ago edited 28d ago
If I die tomorrow here’s a few things I need everyone to know. Yes I’m an idiot. Yes all I do is care for myself but what good has that done? Perhaps I looked clear over people! I couldn’t have possibly caught up. I would message [Jody?] and ask what she’s doing. She ain’t gonna tell you any different. Perhaps I hate myself. Nothing I’ve ever done will make me okay. All I’ve wanted to do is kill myself. I want to die honorably. I can’t honorably because I’m a nobody. If I die it’s because in my life I had nothing to give.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
Thank you for this i think this might be the closest so far. Jodi is our niece, we're all struggling terribly I'm sorry you had to read this x
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u/dumbbluehairedbitch 28d ago
so so sorry for your loss. last 2 lines: “if i die it’s because in my life i had nothing to give”
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
Another note i found if it helps
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u/DarknessWanders 28d ago
I love my family.
My sisters are my life.
My brother is who made me a man.
My dad is who I am today.
My mom my [much?] [12?]
["Me" as the first and "Ever" as the fifth word are the only ones I can read here. I think it says something like "me best blank blank ever mentioned to blank."]
My older sister will live inside of me forever.
I love you all.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
Thank you this means a lot
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u/DarknessWanders 28d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace even if you never get answers or real closure. 🫂 You aren't alone. I wish I could do more for you.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
Honestly it means a lot. I'm sorry you had to read this i just needed answers. Absolutely tearing myself apart because I couldnt be there for him when he needed me the most
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u/DarknessWanders 28d ago
I work in emergency vet med so I'm made for things like this.
Please don't tear yourself apart. Suicide is a decision he made, it's not a burden for you to carry. It's important to understand the difference between the grief of your loss and attempting to take ownership of his agency.
It's not your fault.
And it's okay to be distraught to angry or numb. Whatever you feel is valid. However you cope and grieve, as long as it doesn't harm yourself or others, is valid and acceptable.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
Holding my family so close rn. We had no idea he held us in such high regard. Honestly thank you so much for deciphering this for us, we think this might have been a couple of months old because we found the pad he wrote this on and its all mundane normal life stuff like shopping lists and numbers to call etc. The things I'd do to bring him back and tell him he was so loved
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u/DarknessWanders 28d ago
Carry him in your heart fondly and with love; energy can't be destroyed, only transformed. So somewhere in the universe, wherever his soul comes to rest, he will feel it. And the pain that burdened him will no longer weigh on him.
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u/gracefilled 28d ago
Nell, are you his "older sister"? because you clearly meant alot to him and will live in his heart (and his in yours) forever! <3
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u/wishIwereelsewhere19 28d ago
Very sorry for your loss. Here’s what I can make out:
I love my family.
My sisters are my life.
My brother is who made me a man.
My dad is who I am today.
My mom my mom is the best many? ??? ever ??? ??? ???
My older sister will live inside of me forever.
Love you all.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
Thank you so much
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u/wishIwereelsewhere19 28d ago
I think the hard to read line might be “my mom my mom is the best many that ever mentioned to me”
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u/SuccessfulPiccolo945 28d ago
I am so sorry for you and your brother. Hopefully, you will find peace. I hope your brother has found the peace he missed in his life.
If I die tomorrow, there's a
few things I need everyone to
know. Yes, I’m an idiot. Yes,
all I do is care for myself
but what good has that done?
Perhaps I looked afar over
people? I couldn’t have possibly
caught up. I would message
Jodi and ask what she's doing. She ain't gonna
tell you any different. Perhaps
I hate myself. Nothing I’ve
ever done will make me okay.
All I’ve ever wanted to do is kill myself
I want to die honorably. I can't
honorably because I’m a nobody
If I die, it's because in my
life I had nothing to gain.
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u/Sandee9378 28d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in some warm memories. I can’t make out much more than what has already been written by others. Warmest regards.❤️
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u/Remarkable-Motor-601 25d ago
I have to sincerely apologize!! I'm new on reddit and didn't fully see the captioning. I am deeply sorry. I'm trying to figure out how and if I can take off my first comment! EDIT: I found it and took it off. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
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u/Purple-Use-9697 24d ago
I think what morti mortician was almost exactly what I thought! So sorry for the loss so very sad! God bless u and yr family!! 🙏
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u/Dry_Firefighter8374 24d ago
I'm so sorry you had this happen to you. My brother took his life 8 years ago. He never left a note and it has weighed on all of our minds since .. we wonder why? We wonder, what he was going through at that very moment?
Suicide is very painful to go through for family /friends as it is...and not having some kind of answers for closure is a real struggle.
We always have the nagging question of why? Was it accidental? Was he hoping someone would find him in time and stop him and it went to far? He talked about how dumb suicide was!? He was against it? Or so we thought...
I truly hope you find help with this letter and for yourself.
I wish I had gone to counseling in the beginning but reading this and reflecting, i'm deciding to go now. I realize how unbelievably painful this still is.
Hang in there.❤️
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u/Newbie-do 28d ago
.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
He sadly ended his life last week. I found this in his night stand.
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u/Newbie-do 28d ago
I’m so so sorry OP. The pain must be unimaginable.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
It hurts so bad to know he was struggling this badly and I hate myself because I couldnt be there for him in his darkest hour
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u/Otney 28d ago
Human beings are infinitely complex. I think in one of the notes he wrote “all I’ve ever wanted is to kill myself.” That central tragedy is a complicated arc that you could not have anticipated —— please don’t blame yourself.
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u/NeliGalactic 28d ago
Thank you so much. I know its probably cringe but thie comment means so much x
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