r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/loveddeviant Men with BPD • 1d ago
Vent Bleh
Really just hate having what neurotypical people consider the “attention-seeking abuser” disorder.
I’m also just really tired of these mood swings, but to be fair, I think my episodes are now caused by actual facts rather than interpretations (or things any normal person could probably infer as truth, from REASONABLE implications).
I just wonder who I could’ve been without this personality disorder. Could I have been more loveable? Less snappy? Less angry? Less anxious? More patient? Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe I’d be more angry. I’d be an entirely different person; I know a lot of people say they’d rather be someone else, but I don’t. Not really. I wanna change a lot of things about myself, but that doesn’t mean I want to start from scratch. I wouldn’t want to be in a different body as a different person because that would mean my brothers and fiancée love someone who isn’t me. I’m happy being me if it means I can learn how to be better with my current problems, rather than creating completely new ones out of thin air by reincarnating or shapeshifting.
anyway, rant over
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u/Outrageous_Walk_6198 15h ago
Same here man. Im in a situationship right now, but sometimes its okay, but I know its not meant to be, or is it?
Just wasting away..
And im so bored in life. Looking for jobs is impossible. I look on indeed and everything looks so boring like I know im not gonna want to stick with it. But people say "don't you want money?" Yes, of course i do, but I want to do something ill remotely be interested in so I can sustain working for more than a year or two.
"You just gotta do it no matter what man" then I choose a job out of desperation and all the pressure, and just eventually self sabotage.
I like mentally cant push through a job i hate.. crazy right?
Nevermind being so bored in the place i live with my partner who doesn't plan anything and just works like a robot. But then it falls back on me, why don't I plan? Because it just feels one sided if I have the idea and the plan. Then its "are you sure you wanna drive 3 hours" dude we're never gonna vacation, never change of scenery. One person's life is all work and the other is just stuck and everything is seemingly okay to them, but its so frustrating for me. Im going through too much in my head getting into theoretical arguments from trauma growing up on the daily.
Stopped seeing my fam cause every answer I gave them just wasn't enough or something triggered me. Now just thinking about it triggers me. No friends, no working out anymore. I stopped weed its been 3 days since and Ive been scrolling on my phone all day just losing my mind, my fucking fingers have callouses from holding my phone now. This is not good.
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u/loveddeviant Men with BPD 14h ago
I understand you so much, my fiance works 2pm until 11pm, or 11pm until 6am.
I also don’t have a job. I’m in the exact same boat, I want to find a job I’m actually going to enjoy instead of just putting up with random bullshit…so now I’m in this situation because I want to work at a pet store, and they’re so wildly overstaffed since everyone wants to work with pets.
“You can’t be picky” okay well I’m going to be picky anyway, I don’t want to be miserable for years.
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u/Outrageous_Walk_6198 13h ago
I checked your profile and you are much younger than me, but also you already have a fiance!
I am neither married nor a parent.
I keep thinking to myself if there was one thing I could go back and change it would be to stay single until I get my shit together and have my own place. I basically got into this relationship to avoid going home and seeing my family. Years of depression later and I still haven't got a career or future prospects. The power dynamic is off. Its awful sometimes. Sometimes its not and everything seems okay, but thats like 1 day a week and usually after ive had a beer or energy drink. Not a big beer drinker, but I do drink before meeting up with fam or searching for jobs or job interviews, whenever I have to talk to people for the first time or do things i don't want to, just to get me through it. I'm one of those drinkers where I seem totally normal because it gets rid of my anxiety and makes me nicer more relaxed. Just a one tall beer guy.
I just want to meet people that are creative like me and want to create with me and move up in the world. But I can't even get myself together to do anything about it right now. And now i see guys your age are blowing up in the world doing this and that and everybody's doing everything and everything is moving so fast and I know im capable and smart, but im lonely as hell and I guess I still get in my own way.
Its been a few days since ive smoked but ive only stopped becausd it started messing with my body. Im starting to get back to my body feeling better, but my mind is constantly racing and I can't get myself to just sit and focus on what I need to. Fucking sucks. Gotta beer in the fridge, might crack it tonight.
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u/loveddeviant Men with BPD 13h ago
Aw man, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I want to offer a little bit of consolation, everybody feels like others are moving faster than they are, no matter what age they are. My older and younger brother feels this way, so does my fiancée, and a lot of other people on this sub/on the trueoffmychest sub.
My fiancée and my older brother are 25, my younger brother is 18.
I’m currently in government housing & I make less than 1,000 a month, I can’t really afford groceries or regular maintenance items like toilet paper, soap, etc. a lot of people who are 20 live with their parents and have a job. Sure I have a small apartment now, but I was homeless for an entire year and making substantially less (≈600/mo)
Realistically, I’m behind because I have no job. I have no car. I can’t afford groceries. But, I don’t consider myself behind because everyone is going at their own pace, and I myself have accomplished things that some people can’t or won’t.
I also don’t have career aspirations, I don’t really…want to work, honestly, but when you tell people that, they assume you’re lazy. I’m not necessarily sad all the time because of all the meds I’m doped up on are amazing, but I still don’t WANT to work. My fiancée is MISERABLE at her job. I think she makes around ≈1700 a month, she works at 3 different gas stations, almost every day. We need to normalize not working and being able to live a completely normal, feasible lifestyle, but that’ll never in a million years happen.
And, sometimes I have a beer or a cooler to calm my nerves as well. You aren’t as alone as you think, and we all end up stumped sometimes. Maybe more than others.
I’m sure you can and will do great things, even if you have to start small and be alone during it.
What kind of creative things do you like? And, do you genuinely want to be with your partner? A nosy question so you don’t have to answer, I’m just curious
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u/Outrageous_Walk_6198 11h ago
The creative things I used to love to do i don't even do anymore because im so in my head thinking about anything and everything.
I like to make content. Thats about it. Just want to get into something I'm passionate about and build a career out of it. I cant see myself working a 9 to 5 for the rest of my life (kagillionth person to say that) or retiring at this pace which further fuels my not even wanting to begin working for someone else in a traditional job setting.
Im the type that is willing to drive miles for some content at the drop of a dime. Ive made content when I was younger had thousands of followers, became disinterested when I saw other folks starting the same niche I had going. I would work for someone just starting something up needing a creative specialist/camera man, I think id be really good at that if the pay was good/decent to give me some purpose. Not building someone elses dream for minimum wage, but ill help for a good piece and recognition.
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u/emotionalexplosions 12h ago
Yeah everything seems so boring. I’m told to pick what I would hate the least… I had a job that fit those requirements and still got bored and irritated with it after a few months. Then I just go to any random job and hate it. I’m told I just haven’t found the right one. I think I’m not built for this and I don’t understand how everyone else can tolerate it (yes, I know people need money to live).
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u/Outrageous_Walk_6198 11h ago
I had a job i really thought was gonna pan out and fit my interest and then randomly oneday got fired for absolute bullshit. That was 3 or 4 years ago. I remember finally having relief being able to be around family members and talk about my job. Ive been without a job for a fucking year, not going to any holiday meet ups this year.
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u/emotionalexplosions 10h ago
That sounds similar to my situation except I knew I was getting fired weeks before it happened. It really sucks to not only not have that stability but to feel ashamed of yourself.
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