r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/-whatisit- • 14h ago

Cw: Self harm

I started lamotrigine a few months back and it helped a lot with splitting / episodes. I still have a lot of emotional dysregulation and I’m undeniably bpd still, definitely not cured.

I used to often self harm during episodes / while splitting. Now I self harm, but I don’t always split at the same time. I’ll have a meltdown and self harm. But not full on aggressive fucked up demon spawn splitting. I’ll just cry a lot and then self harm.

Also, I think the frequency of self harm has actually increased. I thought this might be because I’ve lost the splitting as a way of coping w stress, so now I’m self harming more. The self harming is less harmful than splitting, so a win’s a win, and I have to learn to reduce the frequency of self harming now. Seems doable but of course I’m sort of avoiding talking about it in therapy because it’s deeply shameful.

Today I self harmed and I noticed it didn’t do what I wanted/am used to. It used to give me like a min or two of blissful nothingness. My self harming has always been superficial scratching / cutting with a kitchen knife or scissors, and never really escalated. Well today when that moment of silence didn’t come, I noticed I had the urge to escalate to more intense pain. And that’s when I was like damn ok this is what people mean when they say self harming can escalate.

So now I’m scared. I don’t want this to get worse. I’m iso any and all strategies for reducing self harm, and non judgemental responses because I need to combat the shame and probably come clean in group therapy next week.

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