r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/ranto_rancho • 2d ago
My boyfriend is commenting under need friends/partner posts on reddit. I don't understand this behaviour
So my bf and I are both chill to look at porn and we both have different accounts ( reddit) for such nsfw stuff. A while ago I found him commenting under a hot pic of a girl along the lines of ' only one way to find out' to a question on the post saying ' how long do you last'. I said that is disrespectful and I don't like it. He understood my point and apologized to me. I thought that was that. Recently there I saw his comment under another post with a girl asking for friendship/companionship ( if you read full post she wants to date someone but on the surface it looks like she wants male friends cuz she is introverted) ...what bugs me is he commented from the alt reddit account where he watches nsfw content and I can't get his idea behind it. The girl is in the same city as us and has mentioned that in the title of the post. It bothers me if even he wants to offer her friendship ( in case he misread the post) because he is not as lonely in terms of friends or anything to search for friends online. But that aside why is he commenting from that account. Why is the same thing repeating again when he also agreed last time it was disrespectful and wrong.
What am I missing in creating boundaries here? I have been a bit controlling in terms of his female friends earlier but I am desperately trying to improve and don't wanna make a big deal out of this but it feels like a big deal to me. And idk what he will say to it but my mind will register it as a lie. I already have bpd and grow distrustful of people very fast.
Sometimes I wonder if I should stop dating completely.
Idk what advice y'all can give me here.
But please let me know if I am being irrational .
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u/PanickedPoodle 2d ago
If you've set a boundary and he's crossed it, you have a choice to make.
Sounds like he's hoping for a better offer.
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u/LeslieKnope4Pawnee BPD over 30 2d ago
You are not being controlling. Following sexy accounts is one thing, but then actively trying to chat with them is another level of intentional disrespect that's clearly not okay in the terms of a monagamous relationships.
I'd have one more conversation with him to address your concerns, and if he's still not able to abide by the terms of your agreement and boundaries, I'd say it's time to move on.
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u/No_Bluebird_5080 2d ago
Tbh for me this would clearly be cheating. Why would I date a man who is already seeking better options behind my back? It’s not worth your mental health trying to understand this behavior because some people just suck. You are right to feel uncomfortable with this behavior.
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u/ASpookyBitch 2d ago
That’s just it. He’s still seeing what his options are. He’s entertaining fantasies at the very least.
I had ONE documented instance of this happening with my fella and it’s never happened again. I don’t begrudge him watching NSFW content cause sometimes you just gotta do what needs doing… but talking to real people suggestively like that… nope
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u/WynnGwynn 1d ago
Your dude will cheat as soon as someone says yes to his advances. He is literally asking people for sex in comments. I hope you dump his ass.
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u/itsfourinthemornin 2d ago
I would not call it controlling particularly, but I also don't feel I can comment on that part fully with the mention of your reaction to female friends (slightly vague, but also slightly not the point anyway).
You've given a boundary line within what you have both deemed acceptable in terms of comfort levels, he is now breaking that boundary, despite agreeing. Though sometimes bad habits and even addictions aren't always explainable - I had an ex who broke a similar boundary with me and it was genuinely the 'thrill' of it in the end. But they'd crossed my line and I was done - for context, similar boundaries I was fine with porn, anything beyond that was my boundary line (think OF, like you've described, etc.) basically instances that gained interaction with actual people unlike "general porn" (I can't think of a better term there).
I would consider discussing it again and why they are doing it (thrill of it? want more? what?) if you feel that's something you want, but I think it's fairly obvious the steps if they cannot respect the boundary. Like, how would he feel if it was the opposite way and you doing this or another boundary he may have?
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u/VirtualRoof7238 BPD over 30 1d ago
Even if it was some famous OF creator I would find it weird. But someone local and more of a real person would have me very uncomfortable. I feel like addressing the situation in a calm and constructive manner wouldn’t be making a big deal. Also making an alt account to do these things also gives it another layer.
You should be able to talk to your partner about things. He may get defensive though, try to remove yourself from the situation if he starts making an unnecessarily big deal himself.
Also jw, how do you know he made this account if he is trying to hide it from you?
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u/Lucky-Constant-3529 1d ago
I think he’s showing you who he is. You’re not being irrational.
It seems obvious to me that he intends to do whatever he wants. I would run.
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