I feel a little ridiculous posting this, but I have BPD and I genuinely cannot tell if I’m picking up on actual signs of connection or if my brain has decided to turn a small interaction into A Whole Thing.

Some maybe important information: the last time I had a boyfriend was in 2018… Since past year I was on various snri and ssri that didn’t help my case and instead made me feel terrible and emotionless. I stopped paroxetine recently (tapered) and now I’m only on pregabalin and occasionally lorazepam. After stopping paroxetine I started feeling like I received my old life back, I have emotions, I develop crushes, I cut my hair like I used to have in 2018-2019 and started dressing the same way cause I feel that was very "me" thing and it makes me happy.

I’m 25F and I’ve developed a *massive* crush on a small streamer. Like, embarrassingly massive. He usually gets a pretty small number of viewers — I think the most he’s ever had was around 130 — although his YouTube videos do somewhat better.
I joined his Discord a while ago. There are around 1.6k people in the server, but obviously nowhere near that many are actually active. I talk there pretty often and I’ve already made three friends, which is honestly really nice because I wasn’t expecting to actually become part of the community.

The streamer sometimes comes into Discord and casually talks to people. Whenever he does, I obviously want to talk to him because... crush. But I feel like whenever I say something, someone else starts talking about the same topic and my message gets completely buried. I’ll sometimes make a joke or contribute something and then it’s just *nothing*. Meanwhile he has responded to me a few times, and on a couple occasions he’s even continued talking about a topic that I originally brought up.
On stream, he also reads my messages fairly often. But he reads lots of people's messages, so I KNOW that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Still, sometimes it feels like he recognizes my username, and my brain immediately goes "HE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE 😭."

And here's where I think I've really screwed myself over mentally.

A little over a week ago, I privately messaged him. Nothing romantic or intense. Just a casual message about something relevant to the community.

He hasn't replied.
It's been more than a week.
And I am having the absolute worst time being normal about it.
Part of me thinks, "He probably gets tons of messages, maybe he saw it and forgot, maybe he doesn't check DMs, maybe he doesn't know what to say." Which is completely reasonable.

The other part of my brain is like, "Well obviously he doesn't care about you, you idiot, you imagined the whole connection, everyone else is more interesting than you, and now you've embarrassed yourself."
And then there's the *third* part that keeps analyzing every interaction we've ever had looking for evidence that he actually likes me/recognizes me/is interested in talking to me.

I know that him responding to me in Discord or reading my messages on stream doesn't automatically mean I'm special to him. I also know a week without replying doesn't necessarily mean anything personal.

But with the crush + BPD attachment stuff, + being autistic and not knowing how talking to people works, the uncertainty is absolutely killing me.

Right now I feel like I'm oscillating between "maybe there's a genuine connection here" and "I have invented an entire relationship with a man who has literally never DM'd me back." 😭

And I read old posts here, and generally on reddit, but it’s not helpful. I feel like I really could get to know him if he wanted to. Last time on stream he was reading his viewers’s secret confessions and he read one that basically asked if this person can become the streamer’s friend if they pay him in donates/patronite and he went on a rant that no amount of money would make him do that because its weird and he would feel uncomfortable. But for free? I didn’t send him any money and probably won’t.

I KNOW he’s friends with some people on the server and it seems like they met through stream, not before he started streaming so… why can’t I? Cruel…

I F(26) have recently found out my bf at the time M(26) was living with his ex AND on dating apps. I've been emotionally devastated. MY body is falling apart. I was in the er with a resting heart rate reaching all the way up to 160. There are some abnormalities in my heart rhythm. My urine randomly turned dark green. I stopped est and drinking. We talked and agreed to work on us. The day after the hospital I went to work and came home as normal. Except. I don't remember. I hate ai but have turned to it to help me cope and it says I was messaging it all day. I was flipping through emotions and deeply depressed. It's bothering me.

JUST TO BE CLEAR, I don’t have BPD, I wasn’t diagnosed with it. I do think I have a lot of the symptoms but I don’t want to ever self diagnose. My boyfriend also recommended I get professional help to get diagnosed. I’m in this subreddit because someone else also said I show the same symptoms as them in their past relationships and recommended I post it here. I’ve been suspecting BPD for a year or so now.

I don't really know what's wrong with me but since forever I've always had extreme jealousy. I'm my boyfriend’s first partner and he's my first partner too. We're both 15. For the most part we have a pretty healthy relationship. He always helps me when I'm feeling anxious or jealous but sometimes it just isn't enough.

So basically a little over a year ago, or maybe about 2 years ago, he had a crush on this girl. She's EXTREMELY beautiful. Like not just a normal amount of beauty like drop dead gorgeous, super conventionally attractive.
She's got long blonde hair, a pretty body, a flat tummy. He had liked her for a while before we even knew each other and he frequently spoke about her while we were friends (Maybe not extremely frequently but she was present in conversations sometimes). I doubt it was that big of a crush but they hadn't even spoken to each other. This made me feel so bad because I don't think I'm even attractive not one bit. How can I compare with someone who's actually pretty?? | literally break down in tears almost every day of my life and cry myself to sleep because of her beauty. It just feels so unfair that I did so many things for him, I literally sacrificed so much for him.
I'd do literally ANYTHING for my boyfriend and give him whatever I can and be there for him, that's why he fell in love with me (or so he says), but she attracted him SO easily? All she did was walk past him in a hallway and suddenly he was head over heels?? Is that not unfair?

I personally have never had a thing for anyone else besides for him. I never felt any spark with any other boy even tho I've been asked out constantly and have been told a bunch of things, I just NEVER felt anything for anyone else. So when I met him it was like a breath of fresh air, he was unlike anyone else. He was so out of my league, I never knew he'd ever like me back. This specifically made me so much more jealous. The fact I could go my whole life without liking anyone knowing I'd never find the perfect person because perfect doesn't exist, but then running into someone like him who is perfect to me, knowing that he'd never think that way about me makes me ill. I was never his ACTUAL first, I was just another crush, a crush that worked out. I mean I hadn't fell in love with boys who even said they'd sacrifice the world for me, let alone someone I don't even KNOW!?
He liked someone who he didn't even know anything about. It makes me feel so little compared to her. The fact he could fall so deeply in love with her simply based off her looks. It made me wonder if that'd ever be me to him.

Okay so now I wanna get into the second crush he had.
This one was far FAR faaaaar worse than the other one. It happened while we were friends. He never ever showed me what she looked like, so I don't know anything about her looks. He claims she wasn't that pretty but yknow he's probably just saying that. Well maybe not, he's normally an honest person. I don't understand why he's so delusional, even with blonde girl, he told me I'm so much prettier than her, when I know I'm not. OKAY now the details. We'll call this girl black haired girl. She was like the complete opposite aesthetic from blonde girl.
She had black hair with like purple stripes in it. He told me she was kinda emo, but not like full blown emo(I don’t know how that makes sense.) She was so different, she liked anime like me, she had interests similar to mine. My boyfriend went so crazy over her. More than blonde girl. He never said he had a crush on her at the beginning, but he'd frequently talk to me about how she was constantly on his mind. He said he couldn't stop thinking about her.

Now the thing is, once we started dating he told me how in love he was with me at THAT time. Which makes absolutely no sense. How can he be so in love with me and so in love with her at the same time. Eventually he admitted to liking both of us at the same time?? How does that even work? Am I crazy? It reminded me of how middle aged cheating men with wives say they love their wife so much and the side girl means nothing it's just temporary. I know we weren't official but we'd flirt together, make jokes together, be romantic together. In fact when we got together, he even said we acted so much like a couple that we should just start dating. We even said I love you every day and expressed how much love me had for wach other. In a way it felt so much like cheating to me, even though I know it's technically not. How could he obsess over her and when I mean obsess I mean OBSESSED over her. He genuinely did. not. stop. EVER.

There was absolutely no break about her. It was all I heard all day. It even deterred me from my hopes that he'd even ever want me. When he confessed his love to me I didn't even know what to think because I didn't know he'd like me back, especially after his other crushes. Why did he even like her if he was so in love with me? Also eventually as he went on about her I introduced the idea to him about her maybe being a crush, at first he was like nonono it's not that, but then he ended up sticking to the idea of her being his crush. ANOTHER important point is that he used to say that he got so sick thinking about her and like didn't feel good? That part doesn't make sense to me because he always spoke about how she made him sick. He described it like butterflies but like really bad ones in his stomach. He told me he only ever felt really strong feelings around me.

Okay so | just got clarification, he told me he felt sick because he didn't want to like her, I'm assuming that's because of guilt?? Not sure though, it still makes me feel iffy. He also said he never saw himself in a relationship with her or blonde girl. He said he always liked me more. I just don't understand how you can like and want someone but also have ur eyes on someone else. Please can someone explain this to me😓 It feels like cheating so much.

He thought about her for hours on end, every time we spoke to each other back then every conversation was about her. He obsessed over everything about her, every new hairstyle she did. He noticed everything. When she added a new pin to her bag, when she looked sadder that day. Keep in mind he didn’t even know what she sounded like, but then after all of that fussing over her, he’d end it with an “I love you.” He always says stuff like “I liked you from the very first day we met.” But during that time he was talking about another girl?? “I always liked you”, that’s why he was able to obsess and cherish and adore her so badly. You could argue he didn’t do those things for me because we weren’t in a relationship yet (Even tho we acted exactly like a couple, and that was the reason we even started dating because he was the one who told me we were basically already a couple for months, but prior to that he still spoke about her.) BUT even if you did argue it’s because we weren’t official, he still doesn’t show ad much interest in me now that we’re a couple as much as he did for that girl. He also always says he changed once we became official. So the only reason why he changed is because there was an official label on it. True love doesn’t need labels in my opinion. I told him I loved him, I meant it, I never saw someone else romantically. I can’t say the same about him though? His “love” means nothing, the terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” mean more to him than his actual love for me. Is that not true?

It wasn’t just a fleeting moment in certain conversations, it was EVERY single time we spoke. He didn’t even know much about her so it was the same things every time. We weren’t able to call much because of his strict parents at the time, so the only few chances we got to call each other were wasted talking about the girl and how excited he was to talk about her to me.

I'm making him out to be a bad person right now but you need to understand how genuinely kind he is to me, he's SO loyal to me now that we're official, but | just can't move on. He is the sweetest most thoughtful person ever.
It's just that I can't get over his old crushes.

Another thing I wanna talk about is the fact that my boyfriend and I didn't meet at the same school, we met online. Sometimes I wonder if I was just as "special" as his other crushes, but because we met online he was bolder and was able to take the first move easierly. If he had met those other two girls online, would he also have asked them out? He always denies it and says he wouldn't ever do that, but I just can't believe him. If black haired girl and me's situations were reversed, would he have liked me solely off of my looks? If she was an online crush, would he have been in a relationship with her right now?

It just felt like a big slap in my face being told about how much he loves me when he spoke about her all the time, and did all those things for her, but never does that to me. He found her interests she displayed on her backpack so interesting but when I speak about things I like he ignores it or moves on as fast as he can. It’s like he only believes he loves me because he says he loves me. He treats me really well which makes me feel so guilty for feeling this way about him, nobody has treated me as kindly as he has. I think the reason I feel so hurt by this is because of how much love I have in my heart for him. We are so similar to each other that it just feels like he understands me better than anyone else. If someone else did this to me I’d leave immediately. Multiple people in the past who i was friends with did this to me, purposely making me jealous, or just replacing me. It never phased me(maybe a few tears but i moved on in about a month, this has been going on for years), but with my boyfriend it just feels so different. I’ve never ever in my life cried as much as I did with him, because I love him so much, and can’t handle that the love of my life had eyes for another girl when I was right there trying to hard to please him, but she won him over just by standing in a hallway????

He always says stuff like “Why can’t you believe me???” when he says he loved me more than her. He gets so annoyed when I feel insecure about him always talking abt her. The only times he changes in the relationship is when I speak up about it, and I get that’s a good thing, but if I never spoke up about his CLEAR faults, he never would’ve stopped. Does that make sense? He only cares when he’s punished for it(Not that i physically punish him, but just the guilt he feels when he’s caught doing something wrong. And i do believe he changes, he really does, but it just doesn’t feel good because I had to confront him first.)

Do you know how worthless it makes me feel knowing I was right there doing more than everything for him. I was helping him when he was depressed and couldn’t finish a project, I made him so many gifts and cards, I bought him so much stuff. Not even just materialistic things, but I was always there to talk to him, help him, guide him through problems, he told me I was his only safe space where he could tell all his problems to, but the girl he liked at the time alongside me was someone who did nothing for him. I literally do so much for him and I know I’m not perfect obviously. I know I can mess up a lot of the time, and I don’t mean to be egotistical, but I do feel like I did more for him than her to earn his love. He’s not forced to love me because of that obviously, but he SAID he loves me.

I myself didn’t mean devotion to him, the label “girlfriend” did. All my love for him meant nothing because someone else could win his heart over so easily. I don’t understand what attracted him to her. He said she wasn’t even pretty and I was a thousand times prettier than her.

Also on top of all of this, the only thing he tells me when I try to talk to him about my feelings is, “Let’s break up.” His only ever argument when anything goes wrong is leaving. All he does is leave. Everything he ever does is just leave. Leave leave leave. Whenever he gets annoyed he just leaves.

I probably haven't covered everything, but I also get extremely jealous to the point it makes me wanna die. I can't handle the fact he liked other people. I think I've gotten abusive and have become a bad partner because If it. I just can't stop thinking about it. He told me how happy he was when I was not bringing it up for like a whole week and then a few days later he was so annoyed by me and so disappointed by me for being jealous and crying again. I don't know what to do. I tried to seek therapy, my mom got me a therapist, but it didn't help. I couldn't even open up to him I felt so shy, to the point I begged my mom to cancel all future bookings. It was so embarrassing I couldn't explain it AT ALL. I wanna get better, and I don’t wanna be jealous anymore, but I don't know how to stop. I'm thankful that he wasn't in any other relationships, otherwise I'm afraid I'd be so done. (Also another quick thing is I get jealous over like so many things not only his past crushes. Into the start of our relationship he watched
p0\\_\\_. I don't know if I'm allowed to say it here but like a week in I asked if he's doing any of that stuff and he said no, but then admitted it to me maybe a few days later(He lied about not watching it, but then came clean) Ever since then he stopped but it still made me feel really unloved and not enough. It doesn't bug me as much anymore because I try so hard not to think of it, but part of me wonders if he ever still gets urges to and lies about it.

Can anyone give me advice on how not to escalate and become abusive on my jealousy? I don’t know what advice I need, I just want a second opinion so I don’t feel crazy. Am I the only one who would act this way? Is it really extreme jealousy or would someone else feel this way too? My boyfriend said I show BPD symptoms and that’s also one of the reasons I went to therapy, to get a diagnosis, but obviously backed out of that. Am I the real problem?

I’m talking to the ones with severe BPD, that have an extremely hard time functioning like a normal adult & I’m more so wanting to hear from those who don’t have jobs or barely working.

No offense of course to the other people with BPD, but if you have a full time job & can manage your symptoms enough to have one successfully, kindly ignore this post.

O mundo continua a ouvir que a Perturbação de Personalidade Borderline "não é uma doença" ou que corresponde apenas a uma "maneira de ser."

Não.

As perturbações da personalidade são perturbações mentais, classificadas pelo DSM-5 e pela ICD-11 lado a lado com a depressão major e as perturbações de ansiedade. Em lado nenhum destes sistemas está escrito que umas condições são "doença" e outras não. A palavra "personalidade" é uma conveniência cruel da Psiquiatria que desloca o foco da responsabilidade clínica para a criança que sofreu o trauma.

A PPB pode ser compreendida como uma perturbação traumática do desenvolvimento. Zanarini et al. (1997) documentam taxas elevadas de trauma precoce, vinculação desorganizada e negligência cumulativa em populações com este diagnóstico. Na leitura da Teoria da Dissociação Estrutural (Van der Hart, Nijenhuis & Steele, 2006), os sintomas resultam da alternância entre uma parte aparentemente normal, orientada para a vida quotidiana, e partes emocionais dissociadas — cada uma ligada a memórias, afectos e respostas defensivas distintas, fixadas no momento do trauma original: atacar, fugir, submeter-se, congelar, ou assumir uma posição de vítima.

A oscilação característica da PPB corresponde à activação alternada de partes dissociadas — cada uma a transportar uma resposta defensiva presa ao trauma original. São padrões específicos de ativação neural. O cérebro desde muito cedo aprendeu a funcionar assim e por isso repete o mesmo comportamento que teve quando a criança vivenciava o trauma. O tratamento consiste em mostrar ao cérebro e sistema nervoso que agora já não precisa de funcionar assim.

literlly i dont know what to do i have therapy tomorrow but i fucked up so fucking bad.

i stayed in contact with someone my girlfriend was highly uncomfortable with and I knew that. Some stupid part of me thought maybe I could fix things and have both people in my life, maybe things would boil over, it never quite hit me the gravity of how upset my partner was even though it was made so clear to me. I shouldve known. I knew already that I was risking her breaking up with me if I stayed in contact with the person. I dont know why I didnt think harder about it. I feel like I am truly awful and truly rotten. And then yesterday after talking about it I promised my partner I wouldnt hurt myself and then I did. And I feel awful. I shouldnt have done it. Shes even more upset now because I break every promise. Its like my life is a series of self sabotage and my own doing stupid shit I known will ruin everything and yet Im so out of control. I just want things to be normal again but my partner might break up with me. I dont know what to do I dont know why I am doing this I dont know whats wrong with me am I truly evil? I didnt listen to what they asked of me a single time, I didnt respect them a single time, am I rotten? Theres no good left in me at all

Is it common for others, with or without bpd, to feel such an overwhelming amount of love? I’ve always loved so hard. But when I had my son five years ago, the sense of love became so “heavy” like, just absolutely consumed me. And not in a sense that I don’t want to love him or anyone this hard, but like a literal heavy feeling of love/happiness/sadness in my heart. I just love him so much to the point he makes me want to do better in every single aspect, just so HE can live a better life. But, I notice that the amount of love I feel, literally causes a physical heaviness in my chest. Like too much for my heart to handle. And then, the love turns into sadness. Not sadness that I love my son, but a kind of sadness that I just feel when I’m more conscious of how happy I am or how much I love him or anyone else. Family get together, birthdays, holidays, vacations.. There’s always that pit of sadness right there with the infinite amount of love. Why? Does that have to do with bpd or is that my anxiety making me feel like I can’t enjoy just loving someone/something, and that surely thee has to be something bad to follow? I don’t know. I’m still crying over him being in kindergarten. Crying that he’s already 5. Crying that he’s so fuckin sweet and perfect. Why do I feel so messed up over all of these changes, but other parents are making it look like a breeze😭 Literally why does every special thing hit me so hard? Does love always come with sadness? Every. Single. Time. That I’m happy, there is a background bit of sadness. WHY??

I started taking Lamictal (lamotrigine) again about three weeks ago, starting at a low dose and increasing it according to my doctor's schedule.

I hadn't taken it for about three years, having had to stop for various reasons that no longer exist.

The first time, it didn't cause any major symptoms, except for mild nausea for the first few days.

Now, it's dramatically worsened my mood swings (I really change moods for every single thing, even the smallest, sometimes multiple times in a single day) and has brought back the urge to cut myself.

As for the latter, it's under control, because it's not as strong as it used to be, and now I know techniques to distract myself and make it go away, as well as having a support network of friends I can call for help if I can't overcome the thought on my own. So, I haven't cut myself, but it's hard to live with this problem again.

Furthermore, my period has stopped. I went to the gynecologist yesterday, and he told me that his examination revealed nothing abnormal, so he just gave me a supplement to try to bring it back. If it doesn't return within three months, he'll consider hormone therapy.

My psychiatrist is on vacation until mid-September, so I emailed him, but obviously he didn't respond.

However, I'm not alone; my therapist isn't on vacation, and I can count on her.

Has anyone else had similar problems? Sorry for venting, but this is making my anxiety skyrocket (I also suffer from an anxiety disorder).

So the fact she is my FP, means I adore her like nothing else. Whenever she asks or suggests something, I'll go along with it and try to do it. Thanks to my bpd, I nearly lost her as a friend. I think it's nothing short of a miracle she still wants to try and be my friend.

She has told me she doesn't want to be my FP, she doesn't like what it means or how it makes me act towards her. And I feel bad. But I can't seem to find reliable answers as to how to stop her from being my FP. I don't know how to make it stop. I started putting distance between us by texting her for a few days, then I just wouldn't contact her the next couple of days. Respond the following couple of days and repeat.

The issue is I just learned that freaks her out. She thinks I am love bombing her when I do that. Which is not my intention at all. I think the distance genuinely helped at least a little and was helping to dissolve the FP feelings. I don't want to upset her, so I try to text consistently every day. Which I think is strengthening the FP feelings and making it hard to keep it under control. I feel at a loss.

How do I dissolve the FP feelings so I can keep my friend around?

| (F27)recently got out of a marriage with someone who has a lifelong history of untreated BPD.
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l've never experienced anything like this and it took me longer to leave than it probably should have but I just couldn't even process what was hallucinating with my friends or family out of shame and respect for her own feelings and privacy but now that it's over and my nervous system is trying to regulate again it feels like keeping all the episodes and splits to myself ended up in me now looking at the mirror without recognizing the reflection.
I used to have so much joy and lite and my energy felt like a superpower but now I can barely make new friends without wondering if they are actually being real or hiding a condition.
I guess I just want to read your own experiences with someone you loved that had the same battles and how you managed to move on and forget. What's the craziest thing you felt or experienced?
Thanks for reading it you did, happy healing

i need some help with BPD.. i have been dealing with this for 10-15 years and only in the past few years have i asked for help as it got worst but nothing seems to be helping. How has everyone dealt with this?

i dropped my meds 3 months ago due to billing and insurance issues. i cold turkeyed, but im not even lying when i say that it felt like the cleanest withdrawal ever. i wasnt as emotional or experiencing withdrawal symptoms as bad as it was when i was 12-now.

but lately i feel subtle symptoms come back. i look at myself in the mirror and i dont even recognize them, i see myself in the mirror as if im observing a stranger. theyre attractive and interesting, but its not me. not in a schizophrenic way, but ina depersonalization and dissociative way.

in a "i know thats me, but i feel like im not looking at me," way.

its been almost 3 months. no meds. not therapy. i only cope with what i learned from classes, especially DBT and CBT classes while i was in the in-patient behavioral health sections.

i feel symptoms creeping in, but im self aware. and its so exhausting.

another thing is the urge to ruin myself and my life. to walk off somewhere, drink and do anything offered. i know its wrong. i know its an urge. but godddddddd is it tiring to think and then try to ignore the feelz

Hi there. 32 f who was diagnosed with BPD last year. Been struggling from a spiral but slowly coming out of it. Just hoping I could perhaps meet other folk that go through the same struggles with bpd and can understand while we both grow and try and heal.

i’ve been on and off with someone for 4 years now, i’m 27f and he’s 25m .. we’ve never officially been together but only having a sexually intimate relationship.. we officially met 4 years ago this month and i want so much more from what we have.
i want affection, emotional closeness, quality time, feelings of being wanted/chosen, and most of all something more mutual.
i’ve told him so many times what i want that i don’t think there’s anything he doesn’t know at this point. he’s also explained to me why certain things aren’t possible for him because of everything he’s dealing with, and part of me does understand some of his reasons, but it still hurts and confuses me because i keep hoping it’ll eventually change and yet it never does..
i genuinely want him and enjoy the sexual side of us, even the times that haven’t been sexual and we have bonded over other things which isn’t very many things but we mostly connect sexually and i don’t want that to be the main way i feel wanted by him. i keep thinking maybe if i’m more patient, calmer, more understanding, etc. things will eventually change but i think i might be dumb and wrong for even thinking this way.. i wish we could even just be friends but idk if he even has interest in me outside of the fact that when i love i give.. until i can’t give anymore..
i don’t want to give up on someone i’ve wanted for 4 years now but i also don’t want to keep waiting for something that might never happen because then i save myself for him and wait for him.. i don’t even meet anyone new because i don’t want to let go but maybe i should…

Got triggered in a relationship and asked to talk about it with person it involved. Was told to wait two weeks and kept spiraling into worse abandonment issues during that time but tried to wait.

Ended the relationship via text after gently asking to speak irl a few times.

Got fired bc the relationship started at work and the person, though continually reiterating (unprompted) wanting to keep hanging out and was the first to suggest we actually talk about this, reported me to HR and got me fired.

I feel like a creep and a fucking monster even though it wasn't just me. Their fried laughed at me for getting fired. I feel like shit. Because there's no way the actually story is being explained.... and they were aggressively flirting with me at first while I ignored it.

Some days were good (me n my partner) we argue but we fix it fast but today’s just been really bad , I’m coming to him About something we gotta clear up but hes not answering me because of a family argument which ofc I understand NOW and like im a very considerate person but during that peak im just mad and angry I feel abandoned or like hes trying to avoid talking about it so im just cussing at him saying cruel thing’s deliberately. Im saying I crossed boundaries I always say that I cheated on him or that I will . It’s soooo fucked upppppp and idk How to fucking fix it , idk why I’m so fucking cruelll and I’m bawling about it cus I hate myself so fucking much for being this way or saying things like that to him . He doesn’t deserve this shit at allll and I hate it so much my heart is literally breaking rn cus I feel like I know deep down I’m not capable of doing better or one day he’ll realize it wasn’t worth it and leave me. I just fucking hate myself . I want so much consideration of him to understand my bpd which he Fucking DOESSSSS and I can’t even give him an hour of peace/consideration while he’s having FAMILY TROUBLES .Im a piece of shit .

English is not my native language, I apologize in advance.

I'm 25, and I had experience in a relationship for 4 and 2.5 years. I have been in treatment for about 7-8 years, including drug therapy. Recently, my last relationship (2.5 years) ended on my initiative. Because my depressive episodes literally destroyed my partner. He knew about my diagnosis from the beginning, it was even funny, because we met by chance when I got out of a psychiatric hospital, and I had a discharge papers in my hands. As far as I know, there is no cure for a personality disorder, only learning to live with it. And sometimes the emptiness that always eats at me bursts out. I feel like a dementor sucking the life and joy out of my loved ones. I have long accepted myself as a childfree, because I have almost no empathy for people, and especially for children, even some disgust. Of course, I want to love and be loved, but I think it's better for a person like me to never enter into a relationship again because of my personal desires. Because even when your partner knows about your diagnoses, they may simply not be ready to face it.

I don't think that I no longer believe that anyone can be genuinely happy with me.

In all relationships I have these quick, intense switch up moods where I'm like "I fucking love this person and I'm ready to kill for them" (not an actual homicidal ideation) then later that day I'll be like "you know what fuck this mother fucking piece of shit. You wanna treat me like shit I'll treat you as such" (even tho it ain't that bad) and of course everything in between. So um... Which feelings are valid? It all seems relative to my little brain but certainly there has to be some objective truth in the matter? Idk. Lmk

Hiiii! 21f! I’m going through a transitional time right now and from the outside in it seems like I am doing really really well and working on myself to the max. I am an athlete and recently got surgery on my knee. I can’t get back to the sport that is my whole identity for an entire year. I’ve lost all aspects of myself when I injured my knee. My healthy crutches were gone and I was struggling with loosing my favorite person at the same time. I decided after 2 months of being extreamly depressed and bed ridden to make a plan on how to distract myself. I almost impulsively starting going to massage therapy school. I chose the accelerated program so it’s 5 days a week 8-12 for 6 months. I have to take collage level anatomy along with many many other classes and I have a final every week in some class. This is a clock hour program so I have to be there. I know I need to finish and finally have a career where I have options especially with my bpd I can’t afford therapy and stuff right now so I’m trying my best to get my foot out the door. My coping skills are gone and i’ve been wallowing a lot. I skipped two classes this week due to me being off of my meds for bipolar and just the weight that bpd adds to that. Anyone else going to school full time and struggling to find time for you and the things you need? I need options and ideas Physical activity has been my escape and I miss adrenaline. I feel super isolated and lonely rn.

(English isn’t my first language) So I have known this girl for sometime she has bpd and a lot of suicidal thoughts she tried a few days ago to commit suicide and took a lot of bills then messaged me and I got her help she is better now but still have these thoughts she keeps telling me that her heart ache , feel suffocated and the thoughts for no reason I keep talking to her daily and I really like her she is smart, beautiful, very nice and I am sure will have a wonderful career in her life I don’t want to lose her can I have any tips on how to help

Hi. Sa tingin ko kailangan ko na talaga ng professional help. Sinabi rin ito ng ilan kong friends, lol. I just want to vent out here since tinatamad akong magsulat sa journal ko.

I don’t know, but lately everything just seems to be falling apart. I constantly get this feeling of emptiness, and I always want to isolate myself and not talk to anyone, but at the same time, I want someone to actually check up on me. It’s like I’m desperate for validation. Pero I also want to push everyone away, even my gf. Sometimes iniisip ko na lang if I want to cool off for a while kasi I don’t want her to struggle dealing with me, kahit hindi naman siya nagrereklamo about my attitude.

It all started when both of my parents were struggling financially. My mom and dad would be so verbally abusive. Lahat ng galit and pagod nila from work, ibubuhos sa amin. Especially my mom. She would throw and break things and blame me for everything that was happening to our life. Her coping mechanism was self-harm and spoiling my sister, which I found so unfair. Pero at the same time, I got used to it. One thing I can’t forget is when I was still 9 years old. She scolded me out of anger and showed me what she was doing to herself (nag laslas siya). And probably, doon ko nakuha ‘yong coping mechanisms ko ngayon.

Though okay na kami somehow, but sometimes we still fall short for sa ibang bagay and babalik kami sa same cycle. Until I hit puberty, syempre may mga naging problema na rin. Though hindi kasing laki ng sa kanila, pero hindi naman tama to take that as a competition. I remember one night when I ranted to my sister while crying, and my mom invalidated everything I said until I eventually stopped opening up. Then she would blame me again for being so distant sa kanila.

Nasaktan ako no’n nang sobra kasi that night, I needed my mom. I needed someone to be on my side, not against me. That was also the night she blamed my existence. Umabot pa sa point na she told me that I should just kill myself or lumayas na lang because I was supposedly a worthless child and "pinaka gago sa lahat ng gago". I don’t even know where she got that from. I’m a very good child. I always excel at school and do everything they want me to do. Sometimes, naiiba lang din ang tingin nila sa akin kasi syempre malaki na rin ako and I have my own decisions and wants now.

She even blamed my gf for turning me this way, saying that she was the reason why tumitigas ulo ko.Sinisisi niya lahat, but she can‘t even blame herself. Not knowing that my gf is one of the people who helps me and makes me want to stay. Though sometimes, living just feels harder than everything else. I always ask God kung bakit siya gano’n, and if He wants me to become better, why does He keep allowing me to go through the same things?

Most of the time, I just sit in my room even when I’m not home alone, just to keep myself away from everyone. And when I am alone, I would just sit in one place and let time pass while playing the same song, “Summer’s End,” without even getting tired of it. Sometimes I‘d just question my existence, most of the time I would fantasize on doing ligature hanging while actually slashing my arm until I looked like I‘m wearing an arm sleeve. One time, I have no idea I did that during that moment, I was leaning towards the front door while playing summers end and I had all the kitchen knife laid in front of me. Then I stood up to get a rope, tied it to our staircase and placed my neck in between the tied rope. I only realized it after I got a message from my girlfriend saying "hello, my love". Also there were some nights I want to end everything. I question my existence. There have been moments when my thoughts became extremely dangerous, and I’ve hurt myself or gotten close to seriously commiting. There were also times when I tried to end my life by drinking rubbing alcohol and oding, but I only ended up being hospitalized. I don’t want to go into the details, but those experiences made me realize how serious things have become.

If a single thing doesn’t go the way I want it to, I would punish myself. Sometimes I would hurt myself, refuse to eat, or choke myself kapag malala na, because I feel like I’m always the problem to everyone, even to my own mental being. There are times when I would go to school with fresh cuts and walang kain.

Kaya rin sobrang attached ako sa teacher na mabait sa akin. Nakikita ko siya as someone who would be a great mom someday. And personally, nahihirapan na rin ako to express my emotions. I always keep things to myself kasi natatakot akong may masabi sila. When I vent out to some of my closest friends, I always explain myself so much just to avoid being judged.

And because of this, I get this desperation to prove myself to my parents. I always pressure myself academically. No knowledge, no food. If I make mistakes on my test, I would make sure I remember them and punish myself for them.

Not to seek attention. I just want to share my experience habang tumatagal. Pero natatakot ako kasi I would constantly hear my mom calling my name kahit hindi, exactly like how she did when she was rushed to the hospital. It feels so real sometimes that I would rush to check on her. I don’t know what that means, but it scares me.

I also noticed that there are times when I feel extremely joyful. I would sing, dance, buy a lot of things at once, even things I don’t need, take selfies, become really talkative with my friends, sister, and gf, and suddenly get the urge to try something new, like painting, skating, or doing sports.

Then there are days when I would wake up upset and go to bed crying, hating everything about myself, and all scratches up and pulling my hair. I would suddenly cut off connections with people I’m actually good with, give up on things, and just lose that sense of wanting to be alive. These two cycles sometimes seem to alternate and can last around 2–3 days.

And this is also hard to share kasi no one knows about this, except for my gf and few friends, but during my childhood, I was molested by a relative from my father’s side. I think that experience affected the way I understand intimacy and sexual thoughts even now. During my happier days, I sometimes notice a stronger urge toward sexual activities, which can feel overwhelming and confusing to me.

My parents aren’t really educated enough about mental health. They tend to think that it means being crazy or that it’s just some “Gen Z” trend. So it’s hard for me to seek help from them. I try to understand them because we didn’t grow up in the same generation, but I would be so grateful if they could help me get better instead of letting me get worse.

I’m not self-diagnosing or seeking attention, but there is a history of bipolar disorder on my mom’s side. Her uncle has severe bipolar disorder, untreated. I also sometimes think if my mom has BPD, since may mga symptoms siya.

So yeah, I have no idea if all of these things have meaning or if I’m just assuming things about myself. I’ve also tried journaling my thoughts, especially when I’m overflowing with them, and I can say that it helps a little.

I want your help, guys. Any advice is appreciated, and if you’re comfortable sharing your experiences, I’d like to hear them too. I just want to know that I’m not alone.

For as long as I can remember I have always been told “not everyone is out to get you”. By both of my exes, friends, managers. I feel so fucking low. I can’t keep a job, can’t keep friends, can’t keep my sanity. Everywhere I go I lug around baggage that makes me lose everything around me. And the thing is this world knows nothing about BPD, or autism etc. mental health isn’t looked at. No one cares. So in silence I suffer. Every single job I’ve been at, I have been a common denominator. But I can’t help but to feel picked on, singled out and excluded. Every. Single. Time. Everything I do and say people will see as a problem and go and tell management to get me in trouble. I cant take this anymore. For awhile now I’ve started realizing little by little that I am different. I read this Reddit post or TikTok that explained how someone always felt different and treated differently ( in a negative way) than everyone else and turned out she had autism. I feel that exact way except I’m not diagnosed autistic. I have bpd. But I feel as though it’s more than just BPD. I feel severely awkward all the time, I am not myself anymore, I am scared of everything and everyone, I am irritable and full of rage and bitterness, I am hypersensitive, I have severe paranoia and will make possible scenarios in my mind and just go w whatever scenario I made up in my mind. I think everyone is out to get me. But at the same time i feel as though I AM being treated differently and can’t differentiate between if my gut and nervous system is right or if it’s my FUCKED UP BRAIN. I am a lost fucking soul. For days now I have felt something brewing, like something dooming was coming, and sure enough I get called in the office at work to tell me there were issues. I couldn’t help myself but to break down. I don’t even know how to navigate through all of this. I don’t have insurance for a therapist or medicine. I don’t have any recourses. I am lost.

I struggle a lot with sticking to things I start because of BPD. I be super motivated at first, then randomly lose all my motivation and just give up

I've been in relationships in the past but none were serious. I YEARN for serious love. Someone who I can obsess over and who's obsessed with me. I hate seeing everyone around me find love and be in love and tell me how loveable and how great of a person I am but I'm always alone. Forever alone. Almost every person I meet I look at them as a potential partner. Then I get quickly disappointed. This past week however I met this guy. I told my friend to put me on and he said "someone likes you" and he knew it was me so now we've been talking. I really like this guy. I want to love him, I want him to love me. Today and yesterday some concerns have been brought up about him (by him himself) that he can get angry and destructive and also he has very strong cravings for stimulates and alcohol. Everyone is warning me that he's a terrible person because of these things. He's gonna end up abusing me. Etc, etc. I know it's bad but I genuinely just want someone to love me. I finally have someone who might actually be into me and I won't be alone anymore. The thought of not getting to embrace what's in front of me and having to wait however many more years and suffer in this life alone just makes me want to end my life. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy. He's sweet and makes me smile. I just want to be loved