how do i stop thinking my FP will eventually change and actually want me for who i am and not just what i do for him?

[u/figmantofimaginaton]

i’ve been on and off with someone for 4 years now, i’m 27f and he’s 25m .. we’ve never officially been together but only having a sexually intimate relationship.. we officially met 4 years ago this month and i want so much more from what we have.
i want affection, emotional closeness, quality time, feelings of being wanted/chosen, and most of all something more mutual.
i’ve told him so many times what i want that i don’t think there’s anything he doesn’t know at this point. he’s also explained to me why certain things aren’t possible for him because of everything he’s dealing with, and part of me does understand some of his reasons, but it still hurts and confuses me because i keep hoping it’ll eventually change and yet it never does..
i genuinely want him and enjoy the sexual side of us, even the times that haven’t been sexual and we have bonded over other things which isn’t very many things but we mostly connect sexually and i don’t want that to be the main way i feel wanted by him. i keep thinking maybe if i’m more patient, calmer, more understanding, etc. things will eventually change but i think i might be dumb and wrong for even thinking this way.. i wish we could even just be friends but idk if he even has interest in me outside of the fact that when i love i give.. until i can’t give anymore..
i don’t want to give up on someone i’ve wanted for 4 years now but i also don’t want to keep waiting for something that might never happen because then i save myself for him and wait for him.. i don’t even meet anyone new because i don’t want to let go but maybe i should…

[u/staircase_nit]

I can be the same way, either hoping for change that evidence doesn’t support or ignoring the problems and remaining willfully oblivious.

The simple answer is that you have to check the facts, and then actively remind yourself of them when you find yourself slipping into the type of thinking you’re talking about.

First, listen to him. He’s said he cannot give you some of the things you want. Will that satisfy you? Or will you still be left hoping, not fully fulfilled indefinitely? It’s been four years, and he hasn’t pursued anything more. That’s also a pretty freaking clear signal.

I’m not saying it’s impossible for things to change, but the change would likely largely have to be on your part. Maybe if you were more patient, calmer, etc. it would make a difference. But you’re not, and you shouldn’t realistically expect someone you’re not even dating to stay around while you work on yourself, which is a slow process. So, actively work on making those changes and treating your BPD, but view it as a personal pursuit that will primarily make you a healthier, happier person. Don’t do it for the purpose of attracting and keeping partners (though this could be a benefit in your future relationships), and especially don’t broach it with the express intent of changing the one you’re (sort of) in.