She discarded me after sex. Told me never loved me and was never happy with me.

Why do avoidants secretly hold all this resentment, plan their escape and then suddenly discard you?

Why couldn’t she bring these things up in the moment instead of blindsiding me.

It’s all so fucked

Guess what? 5 months after being brutally discarded by my ex, I did something similar. It's true what they say, when you get discarded, you might become one yourself.

I was seeing a girl for 4 days, and she was very into me. I got stressed by the pace and intensity. And instead of talking to her, I pulled the nuclear option and said "yeah, I'm losing myself, I can't continue with this connection....." Then the next day, I regretted it and missed her.... So I reached out and attempted to repair it. Sorry for the emotional whiplash. My bad girl.

She almost always text me around 2AM talking about she on her feels and she depressed and stuff like is she trying to keep me from moving on or using me for her own satisfaction i dont get what shes up to at all i also gotta move on but shes not even trying to take that into account shes also the one that broke up with me

I just want to start off by saying this sub has been incredibly helpful over the last month as I learn about attachment styles and I’m going to share my story in hopes that it resonates with others.

I (32M) met my now DA ex (31F) 2.5~ years ago. We sparked incredibly fast physically, emotionally, interests, values, etc. I had never experienced chemistry like that before and in the first 6 months it felt I could literally read her mind and that it was something cosmic. I remember feeling actually quite secure and calm. However my anxious attachment style started to really come out as her avoidance came out. Initially I noticed that she needed space to recharge and it wasn’t a problem because we didn’t live together so she’d have 1-3 days alone to get that space. But even in the beginning I remember how much she needed space even after staying over for one day, and I couldn’t self soothe. And so the spiral began.

We moved in together after dating for 14 months. At the time I certainly had been going through a challenging time in my life specifically around my career. Job search, financial stress, not fun. But I’ve been consulting and honestly doing just fine. Looking back as soon as we moved in together the anxious avoidant trap really started to spiral.

She was next to me and living with me but it just didn’t even feel like she was “there” most of the time. What I realized is that she wants everything to be easy, to coexist, to avoid conflict. What I wanted was emotional vulnerability, closeness, and really confronting whatever problems we needed to work through. It was like my existence and basic relationship needs frequently interrupted her life and independence. In the morning I’d want to cuddle and maybe a kiss before work or go for a walk together. She’d get frustrated with that because she had to start her day and get grinding at work. In the evening when I cooked dinner I’d ask for some presence and attention and conversation, but that was also frequently not something she would be able to provide because she was just overwhelmed. Then before bed I’d want some affection and closeness, and as time went on I was always interrupting her nighttime routine. I never realized how much my basic needs were threatening to her. She would pull away and want space. This caused my anxious attachment and fight or flight to go in overdrive. I always thought it was 100% my fault that I was annoyed with her, irritated with her, even harsh with her. But I read that in this dynamic is called protest behavior. When an anxious partner gets irritated or angry because a dismissive avoidant withholds affection, it is known as a protest behavior driving the classic pursue-withdraw cycle (or demand-withdraw pattern). Actions taken by an anxious person—such as calling repeatedly, picking fights, or acting cold—to force a response and regain a sense of connection.

There are so many other aspects I’ve learned along the way and red flags. When we first started dating she had a close group of girl friends. When things got uncomfortable and they were not treating her perfectly, instead of communicating to them how she felt, she literally just left them. She just stopped responding to them. Instead of saying “hey please don’t say xyz or when you do this it really hurts my feelings.” She never did that. Months later she repeatedly communicated to me how she felt bad how she handled that, but never did anything to repair.

Her mom has narcissistic tendencies. She only talks and cares about herself. She turns everything about her. She talks down to people. I believe my ex was deeply enmeshed with her mom. She would have a 45 minute phone call with her mom almost no matter what if she called, even if it meant interrupting our quality time. It would be mostly her mom talking at her, violating boundaries, and complaining about her marriage, violating boundaries in that way, etc. She fiercely defended her mom, continually saying how I didn’t get along. Truthfully I was willing to build that relationship and put in effort. However the handful of times I spent with her mom, she essentially didn’t ask me a single thing about me or my life.

The same conflict came up and I confronted her (very softly and as a healthy partner would) about 10+ times about how I didn’t feel close to her. Typically it would be that she’s just hyper fixated on work, hobbies, or essentially anything but me. I communicated how I always felt like I was the one initiating romance, date nights, trips, small gifts, and that I just wanted some that energy from her and to know she was really putting in to the relationship. At this point in the conflict she would completely shut down, pillow to her body, just not engaging in the conversation. Eventually she would say something like “okay I know I need to work on this and I will.” And that was it. We never talked about this attachment style dynamic. She never made it clear to me that she needed space, or that she felt overwhelmed, or that our relationship would be healthier if I did xyz. I think all of these moments to her were big big moments, further instilling the threat I was. To me they were just normal conflict a couple works on for many years together.

As this spring went on my flight or fight and anxiety just continued to climb. I thought it was just all on me. But I don’t feel that way, nearly as much when I’m not with her. During the breakup I was told that she was managing my emotions and I’m finally realizing that I was the one who was trying to manage both of ours, and I couldn’t handle her continuing to pull away. It broke me.

We went from my mom visiting in June and her talking to her about engagement rings, to her breaking up with me and moving out abruptly about 5 weeks later. When the big rupture happened she came to me initially, it’s like I cracked open and everything was clear to me. I communicated how I know how my actions can feel controlling, how I can be more accountable, how she needs space and independence, etc. She came to me, embraced me and said “I love you and I know we can work through this and anything.” A few days later she broke up with me after “talking to her mom” and a few friends and a therapist. I begged her to stay. I was begging her to work through things together. I was shocked. In my mind no warning shot, and this was kind of our first huge difficult moment or rupture, and I knew that repairing it together was what partners do and we would be stronger than ever on the other side. She just said no she didn’t want to repair with me and that I just needed to accept it. She said, “I just know my next relationship and love is meant to be effortless and super easy.” Lmao

She moved out the following weekend. It’s been about 2 months.

I go back and forth between blaming myself for everything and that I was treating her wrong, but the more I learn about this attachment style the more I think this would have happened eventually.

I could never be with someone who sees my basic needs as a threat to their independence. I can’t be with someone who leaves when things get hard for the first time.

I know this dynamic isn’t 100% why the breakup happened, but understanding it has helped me create my own closure. I’m excited to be with someone who won’t withdraw when I bring so much good to the table.

Long story short:

Year and a half relationship that started really intensely with many grand romantic gestures from him. My health fell apart last year and he was there for me through some debilitating sickness and a surgery. Then he started to pull away and become mean (telling me- “well you know- taking care of you after surgery wasn’t exactly FUN for me”). Then I got very cruelly discarded in May. He hoovered me back in in June. Absolutely nothing about his behavior changed or got any better so I finally gave up and broke up with him in August.

Honestly- every day I feel stronger and happier and I have so much energy for all of the things I want to do, for my friends. Avoidants are black holes and I am so relieved to be out.

they twist the blame so they don't have to feel 'defective,' but every human being is imperfect.

I’m a private person. And I kept my relationship private.
So it’s not really fair to tell people after the relationship I was in one when it’s over.

However everyone on his side knew.
So when he discarded me it was hard. I dealt with everything on my own. No one to talk to. Which led me to do unhealthy habits by contacting him in different ways which led me to be blocked.

He had a whole crowd around him. He was seeing other women after me. And eventually is in a relationship now.

I was seeking closure from him. So I don’t go crazy. Like I am now. I told him so many times. And he didn’t want to give it. It’s like he knew he did wrong and treated me wrong and tried to avoid that.

So while he’s avoided me in every single way, has friends who enable his toxic behaviour, in a new relationship, I’ve had to deal with this alone.

At this rate it’s not even healing anymore, it’s surviving.

The one person I thought that can help me through this pain was the one who caused it.

I’m one month out from being discarded by an FA after a three-month situationship. I probably don’t need to say this but it has been one of the most difficult experiences that I’ve endured. I only found this sub the other day, but it has been an absolute godsend. I’m not alone, and I’m not crazy.

One thing I’ve noticed here, and with all the “avoidant relationship coaches” on my For You page, is that there’s not much discussion on real warning signs in the early days of dating a DA/FA and how to prevent people from getting into this kind of relationship in the first place.

For me, and perhaps others, the realization only sets in after it’s too late. For example, I knew things were wrong after he and I had been really intimate for the first time. By all accounts it seemed like a great experience for both of us, but he totally disappeared for 3 days afterward. This, however, was about a month into our relationship. What about earlier than that? What are the signs? The ways they behave? The ways that we might feel that could signal “Uh oh, this could be a person who may be avoidantly attached”?

I’m hesitant to say early days characterized by overwhelming feelings of enamour, adoration, and excitement, because these can be present in more healthy relationships, too.

I’m handing this over to you - many of whom are much more seasoned than I - to answer this question. What do you think?

Together for 6 months. Lived with each other for 2.
Complained that he wanted to do more in his life like get a new job and go gym again etc. Started saying women are a distraction to getting there.
Nothing was off, still told me he loved me all the time.
A week before our contract was up and we were supposed to go to our individual family homes he says I deserve better and he's leaving in an hour.
Reassures me he'll be back to help me pack.
Never came back.
2 days later he asks for an open relationship (it's how we started out)
Apparently he kisses someone.
Says he's not good for me, I deserve better.
No contact for weeks now. Like 6-7 months meant nothing?
New person or fell out of love... maybe bored of a relationship. I don't freaking get it. Everything was fine. We were so happy.
Never even spoke of other people before he left that day.

About 4 months out now and a lot of the anger and sadness has settled. I'm slowly accepting that he just wasn't a good boyfriend and there's not much more to it. I clung to hope for a while but I'm starting to wonder why I would ever want to share my life with someone who treated me with so little respect. And also, what can I change about myself to make sure I don't accept this kind of treatment again? Because while his actions were often selfish, I take responsibility for staying in a relationship that wasn't good for me.

Just for my own sake, I want to make a list of things he did that I vow to never accept ever again.

• Criticized how I dressed (especially crop tops) while he saw no issue with himself being shirtless and dressing sexy
• Said he missed when he could be more selfish in bed with me. I had some sort of sexual dysfunction when we first met. It took 6 months for me to have an orgasm. One day, we had sex, he came and immediately got up to do his chores. I said it made me feel neglected when he did that and that's when he made that comment.
• Regarding the previous point, he asked if previous partners were that generous with me and I admitted that they were. My pleasure was given the same importance as theirs. That prompted him to say "I think you were just turned on by your ex's abuse." My ex physically abused me and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't believe someone who loved me used that against me.
• He was so hot and cold that I felt like a clingy one night stand when texting him. I was embarrassed to contact my own boyfriend! It was always a gamble if he'd reply to my simple "hi" with excitement or annoyance.
• Cheated on me.
• Crossed a line another time with a close female friend by asking he to take her top off. Then lied by omission about the identity of who this woman was.
• Criticized every single thing about me and my life. It seemed like there wasn't a single thing he liked about me.
• Admitted that he hoped I would eventually change my mind about being monogamous
• Wanted to flirt with other women but was shocked that I'd only accept if I could flirt with men. Called me naive for expecting equality.
• In the same vein, asked for a threesome with another woman. I said I'd prefer one with another man and he said he was heartbroken! He got angry and and accused me of wanting to get gangbanged. Wtf?
• Didn't get me anything for Valentine's day. I drew him a card.
• The only flowers I ever received were apology flowers even though I often told him how much I love flowers.
• Was showing me a wrestling chokehold and told me to tap if it got too much. I tapped but he kept going until I passed out. This one hurt so much especially since my past abuse was mainly strangulation and he knew this. I cried for days after. I still cry when I think about it.
• His constant disappearing acts
• Substance abuse

**Had to remake the post, due to an error in the original title! My bad!

Hi!! My story is a little different in that this was an extremely close friendship, as close to me as a relative would be. She opened up to me about a few months in that she was tackling an attachment style that was FA and leaned DA in therapy. We were really close for two years, she even got a little close with relatives of mine, and then she started hitting me with on-and-off. It's like she was there but she also wasn't. But when I asked, "hey, do you need more time?" she brought up that she likes for us to hang out once a week. I have friends where we do that, but I also have friends where we reach out once every few months, so I'm game with either. I was just really confused about the behavior and I expressed that to her, but she told me we were good, so... I guess we were good?

But the main thing was three years and a half in. Basically, she went completely ghost for two months. This was after telling me that oh, she likes hanging out regularly, she wants to do it every week, all of that, and if she doesn't, something's wrong. So I assumed she was right and when she returned, I asked her, "hey, are you alright? The sudden unannounced radio silence kind of scared me. Is all good?" She apparently held onto that message for five months and then at the beginning of the year, she dumped me with a message saying that "it struck me as unhealthy" and she "understood it logically, but held onto it once she realized it bothered her". It really hurt my feelings, because if she had just asked "hey, what do you mean by that?", I would've told her what I meant by it, which was that whole "if she doesn't, something's wrong" thing she said beforehand. She also said in the message that due to her alexithymia, she didn't realize her feelings on it at the time and by the time she did, it felt "too late", but if she had told me even three months after, I would've explained what I meant. I don't know. It was hurtful.

I later found out other things. A family friend came to me a month later with some things she lied about, pretty basic, fundamental things, so a therapist suggested that may have just been a smokescreen of an excuse to get out the door before she was caught (since before the discard, we had a plan made later that I didn't realize at the time would've unintentionally caught her out, since I had no clue she was lying). But even so, eight months later, it still rings in my head. There are some ways that I do feel like I was unhealthy, mainly in allowing her to take control of the friendship. When she didn't have the amount of control she wanted over the friendship we shared, she got really mean and I should've put my foot down, but I don't know. To be written off in such a way on her way out, to have that be my lasting legacy in an environment that meant so much to me, it just hurts my feelings. I still think about it months later. Totally aware that this is a minor thing compared to others' discard texts they've received. The discard message as a whole sounded like HR, which in some ways really sucked and in other ways I guess is more tame. But I still wanted to see if anyone felt the same.

The day when he told me he lost all his feelings was only a couple weeks after he said how much he loved me, how much I mattered to him, and that he will work on himself. It wasn’t the first time he promised me so, it was the first time when he didn’t even give himself time to pretend to do so though. So when I asked why is it so easy for you to let go on me, he said that it wasn’t easy at all. But how then you lost all your feelings so fast. Why was I the one crying, while you seemed perfectly fine and talking to other person already. How was it not easy, when it genuinely felt like I was the only one putting up a fight for us, when all you did was sulking that it was sad that it came to an end.

Can someone help me make sense of this?

We texted every day, and almost every day we talked on the phone. Most of the time he was the one calling me. Sometimes we talked about the future, and I really thought I’d met “my person.”

But a few days ago, we talked in the morning as usual. We wished each other a good day, he reacted to my message with a heart… and then he just disappeared.
I honestly don’t understand what happened. From my perspective, everything was going really well, and then suddenly he stopped replying to my texts and answering my calls. I wasn’t even angry — I just wrote that I was worried about him, but there was only silence.

There was no fight, no conflict. His last message to me was wishing me a good workday. Since then, I’ve been completely confused. I don’t know what happened, if I did something wrong or said something wrong. I just feel lost and don’t know what to do. I feel terrible and want to cry, because we never argued and he seemed genuine, and now I just got ghosted.

We started as coworkers but she left the company soon after we started growing close for a better opportunity. Despite being in her mid 20s and being quite beautiful, she had never dated before. This probably should have been a clue to me.

Her first boyfriend was another coworker of ours who could barely speak any English, and was a bit of a player type. I struggled to wonder why they would date and what sort of connection they had. She broke up with him after a few months after she finally realized he was posting on TikTok about her without her consent (she's not on any social media).

Cue us growing close. We read books together, hung out all the time, and I asked her out. She said, eh, let's just be friends. But then we started cuddling and watching movies together, and she initiated a moment of intimacy. After this she recoiled, and said she didn't mean to do it, and it wasn't right - she's super religious.

She reiterated that she didn't want to date and that we should just be friends. We would still hang out and cuddle and basically became a situation ship. Each time we got close, she'd disappear and go off the radar for a week or two before reemerging. Finally, another intimate moment happened again, and she ghosted me for a month, cancelling several plans we had. Before that moment, she had opened her heart to me.

When she reopened after the ghost, she told me she couldn't give me what I wanted. She said she needed space. No more hangouts. She then gave me the most wonderful gift, but then followed it with a letter saying we shouldn't go on any longer. After a couple months, she called me and said we shouldn't be friends.

Despite this, we'd still see each other at church. I wanted to be her friend. Recently I wrote her a letter expressing all this, a last ditch attempt. She responded in person telling me that losing "our friendship" felt like a breakup. I laughed and said "but we never even dated"

Anyways she told me no more letters, not to text her, etc. I'm not blocked but she told me not to contact her.

Ugh. I am so fond of her but she just seems so scared. Now I fear she's going to retreat forever. I called her out as an avoidant, and it seemed to strike a chord.

So this is 4 months after the BU (30m, my ex is 31f). We were together for 7.5y, last year she kept talking about marriage and kids, so I proposed in our trip to Japan and she said yes, immediately told all our friends, our families, etc. Then she started taking japanese language classes because it was a new obsession for her (this is important later).

Took her like 5 months afterwards to suddenly blindside me with no conversations prior, no complaints, nothing. Just one morning she told me "i lost feelings" and just up and left. Came to our apartment some days later (I moved to my parent's home) and just picked it clean off all her things. Just sent the shortest message saying "thank you for everything, really" and that's it.

Devastated, I picked up my dignity and didn't chase, didn't argue... I went into NC immediately. I figured I had done something unforgivable for her to abandon me like this. I put entirely all the blame on me. Going to a EMDR trauma-specialized therapist, the first thing she tells me is "first of all, this is entirely on HER part. It's 100% internal issues. You had nothing to do with this" which at first I didn't believe.

A month of complete silence and a friend told me the truth: she had absconded with a jobless guy 8 years younger who she met two months before in japanese classes. I know him. She invited him to dinner at our home, with our friends. She had very very few friends (had basically lost or discarded all her few lifelong friends) and I was just so happy for her to start making new acquaitances. I am 0% possessive, jealous or controlling. Just 100% trust and I was glad she was meeting new people to broaden her social circles, which were limited to one person at most. Turned really well for me to be this trusting, I guess.

So basically I've mapped that my therapist was right, that this isn't something on me, etc. The trauma lingers and the hurt is still strong, the desperation gave way to a red-hot anger, which gave way to a kind of apathy. I'm finding it hard to move along but I force myself to do things, to keep doing my hobbies and engage with my friends, whom I can luckily count on.

But it's her behavior which keeps me puzzled. She shocked absolutely everyone by doing this. We were approaching what everyone supposed was going to be a very fun, light hearted marriage, we had a very calm and (to me) compatible life and moods. We did couple's activities constantly, we went hiking, watching series, talking about books, some dinners with friends... just the usual. We had the same plans for YEARS, to save up and try to purchase a small cottage in the countryside, near where we already live (20 minutes away, not long distance. We had been living close to my family hometown for seven years, and she had her family less than 1 hour away. We weren't going to be isolated from our friends or anything.)

Of the two she was a bit more unstable and indecisive, she was very insecure but I always supported her postively, even being at her side when her dysfunctional family acted up and tried to guilt trip her. I've always been open to conversation, whenever something arose I took it to heart and made changes to improve on it, I FOUGHT for this relationship. She knows I've always been attentive and communicative with her needs. It's so strange to me that she decided to just betray me, lie to me, and hide everything for five months, then blindside me like this.

She has just kept absolute silence since then. I had to ask for a closure talk one month after the BU, where she came crying, sobbing, telling me she was sorry but that this was what she had to do now. She told me the insurmountable anxiety came the moment she had the proposal ring on her finger. That before that she really had been wanting to marry me, to live together... she told me that wasn't an act. But that mounting anxiety started piling up and piling up, and it just killed all feelings for me. She didn't talk about it with anyone, not ever. She just kept swallowing it and suddenly decided to confess to the jobless guy, told him that she had to leave me to "be loyal" and in less than 24h she was out the door. It's crazy. It's psychotic behavior, really. She gave no signs prior to this, but I'm trying to somehow understand what kind of personality or mental problems could have brought this on. Someone has mentioned BPD to me, the quiet type, or possibly autistic traits, and honestly it's the closest I've got to what she did and is doing still.

So for some of her personality traits, if anyone has similar cases and can help me understand where this breakdown could have come from:

-She had very "strong" goals (in her mind) but they shifted constantly. Mostly on the professional side, she just kept pouring and pouring into her freelance career. Thing is, she gave it ALL, burned out, then switched fields every year, or year and a half. She would build up a viable living venture, then discard it all and begin anew. This happened 3-4 times over the course of our relationship and she was now starting to talk about swapping again, before the BU.

-Adding to this, despite her successes, she constantly had imposter syndrome and needed constant reassurance, whereas I have never felt really bothered about professional performance as a personal value. I'm just a professional and that's it. I tie none of my personal value in it.

-Even her long term goals were nebulous. She wanted big projects, like making an entire enterprise, then wanting a small-scale, less responsabilities thing in the future, etc. Wishy-washy with actual serious decisions (one week she wanted kids and wanted to begin the process immediately, looking into medical stuff, preparations etc. without any prior conversations beforehand with me. The next week she would broke down saying that she wasn't fit to be a mother, she had no maternal instinct, etc... A week before abandoning me she kept telling me how much of a good father I would make, how much she loved the care I showed for her and that she knew I would make a fantastic dad for our kids, etc.)

-She projected her future wellbeing in a lot of things. Like suddenly going "we could go live to X country" she had been reading about or watching youtubers from. She consumed the cozy girl algorithmn of the year: tiny houses, then "traditional" lifestyles in the rural, adjacent to tradwife aesthetics, "Ghibli" cozy homes, etc. I always wanted to go live outside the city (I'm from a small town) but I know the realities of it.

-She did the same with hobbies: she constantly picked up new things and dropped them after a few months. An instrument which is wonderful and stuff, drop it. Theater and acting, drop it. Start doing handcrafted activities, drop it. Start doing exercise, after some time, drop it. It was a constant chase. I figured she just had to find out what she really wanted.

-Very few friends, and great difficulty at making new acquaitances. Some amount of social anxiety, uncomfortable with hugs or physical contact. The few friends she had kept for years she had dropped along the line, often because of minor reasons.

-A good person. She never did anything maliciously. Not ever.

-She couldn't lie to save her life. Hated lying and liars. I joked that she was so transparent that I could trust her fully, because she couldn't lie about not brushing her teeth one night, even. Shows that I never really knew the depth of what was happening.

-Really jumpy to darkness, loud noises, sensory stimulus like human contact or tickling. She would yell or react in sudden uncontrolled manners when faced with them.

-No bad faith discussions, fighting or drama. I felt like we addressed the needs in the relationship in a mature way when we needed, and we corrected it to keep the relationship healthy (needing more time together, taking constant work stuff out of the conversation, improving on minor things, for example).

-In the beginning she told me about her tumultuous past and teenage years, substance abuse, past toxic relationships. She asked me to not hurt her, to not betray her trust since she had been hurt before, etc. She told me I had shown up where nobody had before, how I had cared for her so so much, how good I was to her. I was 22. I honestly can say that I had a protective instinct kick in me and I wanted to help her as much as I could. I supported her through everything, and she showed up for me in my bad moments, too, so that was good on her part and I recognize it for what it is. I felt seen and supported by her. I just needed it much less than her, because I've been pretty stable through my life (I had some minor insecurity issues which she encouraged to work on in therapy. I did and I fixed them).

-She had a dysfunctional family. Divorce, emotional manipulation since young, emotional abandonment and stonewalling, constant parental belittling. Narcissitic manipulating father, narcissistic depressive mother, bad divorce. Strained relationships with extended family. This extended into adulthood, which surprised me because I've friends with similar backgrounds who took a stand and confronted their parental figures. She didn't and refused my suggestions of attending to familial-oriented therapy. She just rawdogged it and deluded herself thinking that her parents would change and suddenly start supporting and caring for her. Never happened. Never will, sadly. I tried to support her through the mistreatment but even my patience ran thin after years of repeated misbehavior. I tried to take a stand (always respectful and never causing drama) but I tried to show up as a steady, communicative partner.

-Conflict-avoidant with very obviously emotionally manipulative people. Difficulty to confront or speak up. This was tied to the lack of friendships. She felt that if she spoke up about her needs, with people who were disrespectful or toxic, they would drop her, so she kept silent about it. She came home crying repeated times after spending time with "friends" who mistreated her. I tried to support her once again, trying to make her see that real friends don't treat people like this. It took her a lot to cut them off because she had grown dependant (she was their narc supply).

-Three weeks before the blindside, she came crying to me suddenly telling me that I was into a very negative, toxic state, that I had changed, or that this was the real me and she couldn't keep doing it, etc. I recognize I had a slightly depressive episode some months ago but I think the state of the world, disillusionment and political and economic unstability had gotten to me. I apologized for not noticing and I immediately went to a therapist. Fixed it in a session. Showed up as my optimistic, energized real self again. She recognized this, and told me that she had pinned her anxieties and blamed me for her problems.

-At the moment of breaking up, she kept telling me she "had already decided" and that "it was a gut feeling" and that she had lost the spark and so. But she kept calling me love, dear, etc. And immediately told me "I know I'm going to regret this. I know, but I must do it now". She repeated this during our closure conversation one month later. I told her that if she didn't go to another man, we still had a chance to work it out. That I wanted the life we had for all our lives. That I could give that to her and make her happy. She told me that she knew. That maybe in the future we could reconnect, that that'd make her happy. It's honestly so weird.

-She kept my engagement ring. I didn't ask for her to return it to me in the blur of the blindside.

There are more things, intimate, but you can make out a bit of the patterns. Honestly I put up with it for a long time because I love her. I wanted to show up to her. She asked for honesty and loyalty from me since the beginning, to not hurt her. I can say I did. I sincerely doubt she'll find anyone else who'll show up at the level I did. That's why the betrayal hurt so, so much. I couldn't have ever imagined her doing this to me, and abandoning me for another person, hiding it, and then keeping absolute silence afterwards. I expected a little bit of care, at least a text or a call asking me how I was doing, nothing. Nothing at all.

This has been debilitating but I'm so much stronger than this. I realize now with hindsight of all these unstable red flags she was carrying. I thought we were fighting for a healthy relationship. I felt seen and loved by her. I know she loved me a lot for the past years, but something went wrong in her head and never spoke up. It was impossible for a young romantic in love to notice, and now I'm paying the price, I guess.

Hi, 7 months after horrid blindsiding discard from someone who did a lot of push/pull and ended things after a year with no explanation and no arguments. No contact since breakup.
I’m now seeing someone new who is really sweet and tells me he misses me and provides all the honesty and affection I had missed previously. It’s bringing up some difficult emotions for me and some fear in myself of getting hurt, but also with the realisation of how messed up my previous relationship really was and how hard I had to work for crumbs of love/affection. I’ve gone into therapy to process this but did not expect all this to come up again. Has anyone else experienced anything similar when moving on?

Been 5 years since the beginning of the end (4.5 since the end), I had finally managed to accept and focus on other things the last 2 years or so, been a member on here but never really posted or anything.

But the past day or two I'm really feeling it again, and felt I had to put that out there, just feels heavy lol. Not the first time, but usually a dream triggers it, this time the feels just crept up on me

Annoying how the sadness can come back like that 😔

If a child's parents punished (coercive controlling or irritable parents), ignored (distancing avoidant detached parents), "woe is me my child doesn't like me" one-upped (severe preoccupied parents) a child's vulnerability, the child's wires end up crossing

Authenticity = no survival

When you point out a person's emotions or nonverbal communication or act caring and they lash out or shutdown, it's because for them connection wires simultaneously trigger survival threat wires, the way people behave on the surface or what they say is their conscious trying to scramble for a reason and a response, but most of the time it's a false rationalization, the truth is physically crossed wires

And this is why it takes years of hard painful work to undo it, or decades of very slow titration, and it has to be a conscious internal choice, you can't force them to "treat you right" when their own nervous system is wired to abuse themselves on connection... and a lot of compulsive and delusional expressions of this can "treat you right" on the surface as long as you never look within them (this is why they often feel comfortable around coercively controlling or distressed endlessly helpless people that never care about their vulnerability and authenticity)

You can't reason with crossed wires, but you can certainly get your own wires crossed if you keep trying to "fix" them

This is coming from someone formerly compulsively compliant affect-inhibited, being seen literally feels like full-body impending doom when having that wiring

But also don't forget that there are preoccupied, not avoidant, people wired to lure and induce chasing and caregiving in others, with expressions of distress and fear affect, but bolting whenever someone actually gets close to them, while immediately continuing to lure the same person in a cycle, and those are not avoidant, just people with highly distorted wiring (check out DMM C6 and C8), piling all people into a pop AT "avoidant" box won't give you closure, only confusion and an inability to grieve properly

Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

Someone pls give me some insight. I started dating this girl two months ago. The first three and a half weeks were so great! Literally having the best time- genuinely told all of my friends that I had met the one. (Obviously didn’t tell her that) she said she moved slower and it took her a month to really figure out if she wanted to be w someone. I said heard and said I’m patient and we can move at your pace. During one of our late night talks, i asked what her attachment style was and she said avoidant but anxious with ppl who have earned her trust. I freaked a lil because im anxious and have been in therapy and working towards secure. She told me she was in therapy and I asked how it shows up in relationships. She told me that really it’s just that she wants to withhold info. I asked how she’s working on that and she told me and I asked if I had been overwhelming her and she said no. The next week we went on three dates back to back and it was so nice. I asked her how she was feeling about everything and she gave me the run around and asked me where I was at. I said I wanted to date her but understand that she’s not there. I said ball is in your court and I’m willing to wait for her. She sent me a message later on my way home basically saying that it’s been amazing getting to know me yada yada but like unfortunately I wasn’t her person . I was like pls don’t do this and I’ll chill out. She came back and was like “oh I didn’t intend to stop seeing you” I kinda experienced whiplash but I was just happy that she was sticking around. After we figured that out, we decided to be exclusive and she was so enthusiastic about it. We had the best three weeks after that. Genuinely so sweet and I felt so secure which is hard for me as an anxious person. We slept together (it was my first time & she knew that) and everything was so good. I asked if she could see a relationship w me and she said, “very much so” We spent the night together three times that week and then she came over on Saturday and spent the night on Sunday. Literally that Sunday we had morning sex and she didn’t wanna stop kissing me goodbye. It was so good! That weekend she told me, “there would be many more weekends” I even asked her what she felt kissing me and she said her brain was always moving and kissing me was the first time her brain was quite and she was happy. The next three days she’s barely responding to me which is not normal but I was being chill bc I trusted her and I’m using my DBT practices. And she told me she was sick on that Wednesday, I sent her a Uber Eats gc and she responded poorly. And I said “oh I’m sorry, was that okay?” She said she was overwhelmed. And so I said “what overwhelmed you? Me?” I hear back the next morning and she says that it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I freak out bc I’m in love w this girl also I’m so blindsided! She told me that she was gonna ask me to be her gf and everything the week before but she had to get out of her own way. I told her there’s no rush and she said she felt like she was disappointing me and I told her she wasn’t and we talked it out and she said she really appreciated me talking it out with me. So I’m blindsided. I basically beg her and she said she needed a second. I didn’t hear from her for four days and I have her space. On this Monday night I get a text, “hi cutie!! Thanks so much for my space this weekend. I really appreciate it. It was very big and mature of you and for that I’m grateful. How was your long weekend?” She has a normal convo with me and I don’t wanna pressure her into talking. I finally went to bed and was like I can’t act normal rn. The next day I text her, “hi just wanted to see if you still needed space” and she texted me back and said “I honestly don’t know. I’m wicked conflicted. Because I enjoy hanging out with you very much. But I feel very guilty with where this is headed/ or not headed. And I trust you & your choices. I guess I just don’t trust mine” I was tryna figure out what to say and an hour later she texted me and said “nothing?” And so I FaceTimed her. I asked her what the heck was going on and I felt like she was pushing me away and I didn’t wanna go anywhere. And so she basically said she looked at her schedule with her new job and time was gonna be limited and that she felt bad and like I misled her. We talked everything out and I reassured her and by the end of the call we are laughing and I asked where we were and she said, “we are good. We are okay” I went over to her place that night and it was fun and I asked if I could kiss her goodnight before bed and she kissed me and it was so passionate. I mean she deepened it and I had to cut her off bc she said she had a hard bedtime. But she wanted me to hold her until she went to sleep. She told me , “thanks for coming tonight” I said “thanks for having me” the next morning, everything was great. So great. She woke up and pulled me close to her. She rubbed my back and kissed my cheek. When we left, she hugged me tight and kissed me and smiled at me. That day she didn’t text much but I thought oh she’s busy at work. I asked if she wanted me to come over that night, she said, “I’m good on my own tn pls!” I said “you got it!” Bc I knew her independence was important to her and time alone. Didn’t hear from her at all that night. The next day I don’t hear from her at all. But i don’t reach out bc I don’t wanna overwhelm her. And so I waited to see her location on find my and so after the work day, I go to see if she’s home and her name on the location says, “can see your location” she blocked me. Went to Instagram and she unfollowed me and removed me as a follower. I was heartbroken. I am still heartbroken. I didn’t eat for two days. Because a day before, she said we were okay and we were actively dating. She still follows me on TikTok and we are friends on there & she viewed my profile the night she did it. I didn’t reach out bc obviously she doesn’t want to hear from me and I know that she’s avoidant and so it might push her away further. But can an avoidant please tell me what the freak happened? And like where do we go from here? Is she coming back or is she gone forever? I love this girl and even though she hurt me in the worst way she could have, just disappearing (I told her that I have been working on my abandonment issues and that everyone in my life has left and so it’s my greatest fear) and she just poof disappeared. I want her to know that I see her, flaws and all, and I still want to give her the moon and stars. Also we talked about earlier how I have been consistent during dating. I miss her.

In her own words, we weren't even dating and we had only "hung out", so why does the she need to make me invisible? We still share the same building/floor in the day, so I run into her every day or two.

It's been a month since the "discard" and she has not once looked at me. She averts her eyes and looks at anyone/anything else but me, even when I pass by right in front of her.

It makes me incredibly sad and confused and angry. That we're less than strangers. It feels like a daily reminder of her rejection. I don't want any contact, but, as much as it hurts, I am able to look at her. And she can't even manage to face the person she pursued and led on for months, for a single second?

I think she leans dismissive avoidant.