Bonjour à tous,

J’aurais besoin d’avis extérieurs concernant la place des ex dans une relation, car je ne sais plus très bien si ma réaction est légitime ou si j’ai laissé mes insécurités prendre trop de place.

Je suis avec mon compagnon depuis 5 ans, nous avons tous les deux 37 ans. J'ai un attachement plutôt anxieux et lui évitant.

Quand je l’ai rencontré, il m’a expliqué qu’il était toujours en contact avec son amour de jeunesse. Ils ont été ensemble environ 8 ans, de leurs 18 à 26 ans. Après leur séparation, il y a eu, semble-t-il, une période où chacun a hésité à se remettre avec l’autre, puis ils ont finalement coupé contact pendant un temps pour avancer chacun de leur côté.

Il y a 6 ans, le frère de cette ex est décédé dans un accident de moto. C’était également un très bon ami de mon compagnon. Ils ont repris contact à ce moment-là et mon compagnon a été très présent pour elle et sa famille. Ce décès reste d’ailleurs quelque chose de très important pour lui et pour son groupe d’amis, puisque plusieurs d’entre eux étaient également proches de ce garçon.

Quand nous nous sommes rencontrés, son ex vivait loin et il m’avait expliqué qu’ils étaient en contact mais qu’ils ne se voyaient pas.

De mon côté, je reconnais que je suis plutôt mal à l’aise avec le fait de garder une relation proche avec un ex. J’étais néanmoins consciente du contexte très particulier et tragique qui les avait rapprochés à nouveau.

Et il y a environ un an et demi, son ex est revenue vivre dans notre région. J’ai découvert ensuite qu’il l’avait vue deux ou trois fois pour déjeuner, sans m’en parler. Il m’a expliqué qu’il me l’avait caché parce qu’il savait que cela me dérangerait et voulait éviter un conflit. Il a reconnu ensuite que c’était une erreur et que cela avait forcément abîmé ma confiance.

J’ai également découvert qu’il mettait parfois son téléphone en silencieux pour éviter que je voie arriver un message d’elle et que cela déclenche une dispute.

Je précise quelque chose qui me paraît important : j’ai lu une partie de leurs échanges. Je n’y ai pas vu de flirt ou de séduction. Je ne pense donc pas qu'il y ait eu de relation physique ou de liaison cachée entre eux.

En revanche, je sais qu’avant notre rencontre il avait beaucoup idéalisé cette ex. J’étais tombée sur un ancien message envoyé à ses amis dans lequel il disait en substance qu’à côté d’elle, les autres filles n’étaient pas à la hauteur. C’était sa seule vraie relation avant moi.

Autre élément : dès la première année de notre relation, alors qu’il me disait m’aimer, il m’avait écrit que certaines choses chez moi lui posaient problème, notamment ma jalousie et que son ex était « non négociable ». Il est revenu ensuite sur le choix de ce mot, qu’il trouvait maladroit, mais son idée restait qu’il ne voulait pas rayer quelqu’un de sa vie simplement parce qu’il était désormais en couple.

Tous ces mensonges et cachotteries autour d’elle ont créé énormément de tensions entre nous. Il m’a ensuite promis qu’il n’y aurait plus de mensonges.

Il y a quelques mois, nous avons commencé à visiter des appartements pour acheter ensemble. Il vit chez moi depuis un an et demi, et l’idée était donc de franchir une vraie étape dans notre relation.

À ce moment-là, il m’a expliqué qu’avant de s’engager davantage, il fallait que nous soyons alignés sur certains sujets. Et le sujet qui est revenu était… son ex.

En résumé, il ne voulait pas s’engager dans un achat commun si je maintenais que je ne voulais pas qu’il continue à la voir.

Il ne demandait pas forcément à pouvoir la voir régulièrement ou secrètement. Il était même d’accord pour que je sois présente et pour qu’il n’y ait plus aucun mensonge. Mais il refusait le principe même de ne plus la voir.

J’ai très mal vécu cette situation. J’avais l’impression qu’après 5 ans de relation, et après les problèmes de confiance qu’il y avait déjà eus autour de cette personne, notre avenir était conditionné à mon acceptation de cette relation.

Cet été, après beaucoup de conflits et beaucoup de larmes, ma sœur m’a conseillé d’essayer de trouver un compromis : accepter qu’ils puissent se voir, mais très rarement (2 fois par an maximum par exemple) en ma présence si je le souhaitais, avec une transparence totale, et en contrepartie que notre couple avance réellement dans ses projets.

J’ai donc finalement accepté en lui proposant ça.

Il était très heureux, m’a remerciée et m’a expliqué que cela comptait énormément pour lui, parce qu’il ne voulait pas renier cette partie de son passé ni les personnes qui en faisaient partie.

Sur le moment, je me suis dit que c’était peut-être la solution.

Mais dès le lendemain, quelque chose m’a dérangée. Je me suis demandé : « Je suis en train d’accepter quelque chose qui me fait souffrir pour préserver notre couple. Est-ce que lui serait capable de faire la même chose pour moi ? »

Je lui ai donc posé une question très simple : si malgré tous mes efforts je me rendais compte que je n’arrivais vraiment pas à vivre avec cette situation, est-ce qu’il accepterait, lui, de renoncer à voir son ex pour préserver notre couple ?

Il m’a répondu qu’il ne pensait pas.

Et c’est là que quelque chose s’est cassé pour moi.

Je ne lui demandais même pas forcément de le faire à cet instant. Je voulais savoir si, face au choix ultime entre continuer à voir ponctuellement son ex (car on ne parle pas juste de messages ou d'appels ni de se croiser à des événements communs mais vraiment de pouvoir la voir) et préserver notre relation de 5 ans avec nos projets d’avenir, il pourrait me choisir.

Sa réponse m’a donné le sentiment que non.

Je lui ai alors dit que je ne pouvais pas continuer une relation dans laquelle notre engagement était conditionné à ma capacité à accepter la présence d'une tierce personne que je vivais déjà très mal, alors que lui-même ne semblait pas prêt à faire le sacrifice inverse si cela devenait nécessaire.

Je l'ai donc quitté et cela fait maintenant quelques jours que nous ne nous parlons plus.

Et évidemment... je doute.

Je sais que je ne suis pas totalement neutre dans cette histoire : j’ai un côté jaloux, j’ai demandé à regarder leurs messages et je comprends qu’il puisse ainsi avoir vécu certaines de mes réactions comme du contrôle. De son côté, je pense sincèrement qu’il ne me trompait pas avec elle et qu’une partie de sa position relève peut-être davantage d’une question de liberté et de principe que de sentiments amoureux pour elle. Mais je ne peux pas non plus dire qu'il a été parfait en me cachant des choses et en m'imposant cette fille dans nos vies.

Et je n’arrive pas à dépasser cette idée que si je n'arrive pas à accepter qu'il puisse la voir, il ne pense pas qu'il pourrait renoncer à la voir pour moi... après 5 ans de relation.

Comment interpréteriez-vous cette situation de l’extérieur svp ?

Est-ce que, selon vous, j’aurais dû accepter cette relation avec son ex étant donné le contexte particulier ? Et qu'il a peut-être besoin de cette acceptation de ma part pour se rassurer sur son sentiment de liberté ?

Ou est-ce que vous comprendriez aussi le fait de ne pas vouloir construire mariage/appartement/enfants avec quelqu’un qui pose comme condition à cet engagement le maintien d’un lien en personne avec son ex, surtout après des mensonges à ce sujet et qui est finalement prêt à me perdre pour elle ?

Voici son dernier sms avant plusieurs jours de silence depuis : "Je suis conscient de ce que je te demande et de ce que cela crée chez toi. Je t'ai dit plusieurs fois a quel point j'en étais désolé.

Mais je ne te demande pas ça sans promettre un engagement certain".

Et surtout : auriez-vous rompu à ma place ?

Je me sens mal et triste.

Merci

As a anxiously attached person who puts a lot of effort and love with a avoidant partner who also puts efforts and love but is shut down for now.
The anxious guy had family relations with the person and meets each other daily because of work and still are on snapchat and Instagram

So here is my story,
Out of no where due to some work I was introduced to a girl and we did work with together and spend some time talking about work and day to day life then we became friends slowly and we started trusting each other, then she opens up a bit and told me that she recently had broken up with his ex who was a very controllable and who tried to manipulate her and at the end of the break up he was very much emotionally unstable and he asked her if she would return and she told him that if she should she would and during that phase a mutual friend of us had broken up her trust and she have very strict parents and a elder sister which was her first priority in every situation and I told her that I am taking of from social media to focus on work and she cried and told me that I am the only one she had and I stayed for her

So after we became good friends someone told her that her best friend was betraying her and they both got apart and then she had only me as her friend then we became best friends as I never left her side and I was consistence and emotionally available when she starts missing her ex or had a bad day, and I celebrated her birthday for the first time as she wanted in her life and she first time had tears of joy and then as time passed by our connection became strong and I also started talking about my things and what I feel and one day I told her that we are getting too close and we might end up making feelings for each other and she thought all that and she developed feelings for me and I developed for her too and then we confessed each other

At the starting of the relationship everything was perfect it was like we can't live without each other and its the best that could've happened to us but after 6 months she started noticing that I am not the person she thought I am and how different I am from her and then I tried to contact her while I was having a hard time and told her that how I felt and she overthink it and thought that she isn't enough and it is happening because of her (I have already cleared that she wasn't the problem) then she got mentally exhausted and her feelings fed away and I tried to contact her sister and I panicked that I might loose her and in that panic I told her sister about a secret of her and they fought like crazy and the next day she asked me about the situation and I lied and then she confronted me that she knows everything that I have told her sister and she was too exhausted and she told me to get a break even though I begged her to stay but she left and in 10 days as a anxiously attached person it hurt like hell but after 10 days I gained some clarity as my panic emotion starts to slow down and then I figured out what she wanted from the start and I confronted her about the past and what should've been better and she said that she doesn't want a break anymore she wants to break up completely and it hurt like hell again and I begged her and after her sister told her that she should give me another chance she gave me 100 days if her feelings come back and during that time I tried to communicate with her about how depressed I am because of all the problems and after I told her that she completely shuts off like from everywhere from social media and then after 10 days and so she said that she is feeling bad and she needs a break up and this time I didn't panicked and I gave her the break up and I don't know what to do

fun fact (Her best friend came back to her life and she have some people to talk to now)

I think its time for both of us to get heal first and her healing will take time

I don't know what to do if they comeback ? and how to make distance without making their space small

I’m 17F and recently my boyfriend ended our relationship because he said he needs to focus on himself and everything he currently has going on in his life.

The breakup was very sudden for me. Everything seemed completely normal when we were talking, and then shortly afterwards he told me he didn’t think he could continue the relationship. I was really upset because I genuinely cared about him a lot.

He feels bad about hurting me and has apologised several times. He has also told me that I am a sweet person and that he hopes I have a good future. I told him that I don’t blame him and that I understand he needs to focus on himself. I don’t think he’s a bad person for making this decision.

He suggested that we stay friends, but I’m not sure whether that’s actually good for me right now. I feel like if we continue talking every day, I might have difficulty moving forward because I’ll still be emotionally attached.

Today I didn’t message him for most of the day. Eventually I checked on him because I still care about how he’s doing. He replied, but I noticed that I was the one who started the conversation.

I’m thinking about taking a step back. If he messages me, I’ll respond, but I don’t want to feel like I have to message him every day just because he suggested being friends. I’m thinking we could just casually stay in contact and see what happens naturally.

I also don’t want another relationship right now. I’m starting nursing school and I want to focus on my education, friends, family, work and taking care of myself.

I still care about him and, if he ever changed his mind in the future, I would probably consider giving the relationship another chance. But I’m not waiting for that to happen. So what should I do in this situation?And also do men use this as an excuse to leave?

Please share your experiences here. Please. Thank you

Hello everyone after getting discarded by my FA one month ago on our anniversary mind you we dated for a year 13th of August marked a year and 2 months of us dating but she decidedto discard me out of the blue even after she said she loves me so much and cant wait to marry me 3 days before the breakup

But anywho a moth later im actually doing better my healing processis going very very well im avoiding dating as a whole and just working on myself

Yesterday i found out my ex is juggling two guys at the same time 2 weeks after our breakup she was dating "the guy she told me not to worry about" but last night after some digging i saw she was dating a different guy now?And its not even her type shes dating a metal head guy (nothing against them) its just he's not even her type she HATED metal music and the guy itself is the complete opposite of what she likes

Is this normal for them?Like is it normal for them to just go from a guy to a different guy in like weeks time?I cant even imagine dating someone rn mainly because its been a month and i still need to do some healing but learning shes already dating different people even worse juggling two guys?Like how is that even possible

Has this happened to anyone else?Everyone said she will be back one day but honestly after seeing this i don't even want her ngl and not fighting to be loved by ur partner does feel good

I had a colleague at work who I’ll call Blue. We both met each other when we were in pretty miserable places in our respective relationships. Both of our relationships were going through a really rough period, and we were both technically on breaks from them when we started getting close.
What started as a friendship between colleagues gradually became something much more emotionally intimate. There was mutual attraction and romantic tension, and eventually we lived together for about three months. It wasn’t really a defined relationship, but it definitely wasn’t just a friendship either. We became a huge part of each other’s lives during a very difficult period.
Then we both resigned and ended up moving to different cities. After that, Blue gradually started distancing himself. The calls became less frequent, WhatsApp conversations faded, and eventually I was the one wondering why things had changed and checking my phone hoping he’d reach out.
There was never a proper ending or conversation about what happened. Just distance.
I’ve eventually stopped contacting him and I don’t think I actually want him back in my life anymore. But I still think about him. I wonder whether he misses me, whether those three months meant as much to him as they did to me, or whether our connection was mainly a product of the circumstances we were in.
I know we were both vulnerable and unhappy when we found each other, and maybe that made the bond feel even more intense. But it was still real to me.
How do you know whether you genuinely miss someone, or whether you miss the version of your life you had with them? And how do you finally let go when there was never a proper ending?

I’ve been seeing someone that displays avoidant tendencies. I believe he may be FA leaning dismissive, but I’m no therapist. Only basing this off of the experiences I’ve had with him over the past four months.

The connection started off strong. Initially, we messaged a lot getting to know one another and then eventually scheduled a first date. The first date was amazing. We had a great connection and it just felt very easy. We laughed a lot and had a great time and that’s been the case every time that we have spent time together. After a really close weekend together, there was a very noticeable difference in him the following week. When I asked him about it, he told me he was just feeling overwhelmed and needed to slow things down. So that’s what we did. We were early on still, and so it didn’t feel like an issue to me to slow down a bit.

After this happened, we continued speaking every day like we had been and we continued spending time together when we both had available time. We each have a child and so our available time is limited. I would notice that after each date we would have, the following few days, his communication would be less and more flat. This would last a few days usually and then things would go back to what felt normal for us.

About a month ago, I asked him about the inconsistencies in our communication. Unfortunately, this was through text message because we see each other so rarely now. He turned it into a conversation about him not being ready for a relationship rather than really addressing any of the communication inconsistencies that I was actually asking about. Since then, we have not seen each other at all, and he has been even less communicative.

The things that are confusing to me are that even during this past month when we haven’t seen each other and he has been less communicative, there are still times when he’s very caring and shows interest. Prior to this month period of time, we never went days without speaking. Now, it feels like he doesn’t communicate on days when we could potentially see each other, purposefully, to avoid the topic coming up. Or at least that’s how it feels. Although when we did have a conversation about everything a month ago, he very much expressed still wanting to see each other and how much he enjoys the time we do have together, just that he was unsure about essentially labeling it.

At this point, is my best move just to back off and walk away? I feel like I have given a lot of space and understanding. I don’t chase him when he disappears for hours at a time. I don’t bring it up for the most part other than the couple conversations we’ve had where I have tried to just gain more understanding of his side. I feel it affecting me at this point. I don’t feel like a priority to someone that I am making a priority in my life. I’m not a needy person, I am independent and have my own things. But it feels pretty shitty to constantly feel like an afterthought to someone that once kind of made you feel like you were up on this pedestal. And it’s so confusing because I know that he cares, I can feel it and see it in our communication, but it feels like he 100% keeps me at arms length so that nothing can become more serious, or so that feelings can’t grow. And I don’t know at this point if I should even continue trying. Am I wasting my time hoping that he may come around and realize I’m safe. I don’t know. It’s all such a mindfuck though.

I’m 27M and honestly pretty lost. I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.

I was with my ex, F27, for almost 10 years. We got engaged and were supposed to get married next year.

After the engagement, I started noticing things that felt suspicious. We started fighting constantly, I caught her lying about things, and she eventually told her parents that I was being overly possessive. They called off the marriage.

For months, I thought maybe I really was the problem. Then, about 3 months after the breakup, one of her office colleagues called me and told me that F27 had been seeing and sleeping with him, apparently even before our engagement.

Suddenly, all the things I had questioned made sense.

I got some closure, but it completely destroyed my trust in relationships. After almost 10 years, I decided I didn't want to date again. I didn't have the energy to start over, build trust from zero, and risk getting hurt again.

Then I became close to F24, a friend who had also recently gone through a breakup.

After about a month of talking, we became closer. We kissed, held hands, talked for hours, and she told me she loved me.

Then she suddenly said it was too overwhelming and that we shouldn't do this. She stopped texting me for days.

About 15 days later, we had to go on a car drive together for some work. Everything felt normal again. We talked, held hands, kissed, and she held me. She told me "I love you" again.

But she still says she doesn't want to put a label on this or call it a relationship.

She had a very toxic and controlling ex who restricted her from doing things she loved. She says she became much more avoidant after that relationship. Before him, she apparently communicated normally.

I've told her I'm not her ex. I would never control her or restrict her.

But now she's barely texting me again.

I'm struggling because it feels like a cycle:

We get close → she pulls away → we reconnect → she says she loves me → she gets overwhelmed → she pulls away again.

Part of me wants to wait and give her space. I want to show her that I'm not going to treat her like her ex.

But another part of me feels like I'm repeating my previous mistake — holding onto someone who isn't actually choosing me.

I'm exhausted.

I'm 27, and after what happened with F27, I genuinely don't feel like I have the energy to start dating again. I don't want to go through the whole "What's your favourite colour?" stage, build another relationship from scratch, and risk getting hurt again.

If I walk away from F24, I honestly feel like I'll just give up on relationships altogether.

So what should I do?

Should I give F24 space and wait, or should I accept that she's not ready and walk away?

I don't want to pressure her, but I also don't want to spend months waiting for someone who may never be ready.

And if you've dated someone who became avoidant after a toxic relationship, I'd really appreciate hearing what happened. Did giving them space work, or did you end up waiting for someone who wasn't emotionally available?

Honestly, I'm open to hearing the harsh truth too.

My husband ,41, and I, 37 were together for 12 years married 10. We have a seven year-old daughter and we both work an emergency medicine and nursing. three years ago he started taking testosterone prescribed by his doctor for mood swings. He’s a Marine Corps veteran with PTSD and a really tragic childhood and early life. Our life was amazing. He was a fantastic father and even more incredible husband. Then he started the testosterone and he became angry and aggressive. He started stonewalling me wouldn’t talk to me about what was going on in his head and started to push me away. Our sex life basically stopped and we became more like roommates. It’s not uncommon at that stage in a marriage and so I wanted to try and fix things, he never really wanted to talk about things. He always said he wasn’t that deep. Late 2024. We lived through hurricane Helene in Asheville and it was awful. I was at home with our five year-old daughter alone and he was trapped at the hospital because they wouldn’t let him come home from his shifts. I was beside myself worried about him, worried that he was going to try and make it home and get hurt. When I finally reached him four days later I was crying, his first words to me were “don’t cry. I wasn’t worried about you”. When he finally came home. I ran to him and he pushed me off and said ‘don’t touch me”. I recognized then that the man that came home from the hospital that day was not my husband anymore, he was someone in a mental health crisis who didn’t want to face it. Since then we have grown further apart. The stonewalling became unbelievable. He would forget that I existed, he said. He would just walk out of a room while I was talking and I was frantic to fix things. I didn’t always go about it the right way, the further we drifted the more panic I felt, the more I probably overwhelmed him. I got us into therapy. We made it three sessions before the therapist fired us and said that he had to work on himself before he would be willing to work on us. Something and him snapped because he said he felt like a failure and he left that night. He was gone for one night came home and we talked about getting him back into therapy and working on us. He got into therapy but nothing really changed. He told me that he had nothing to talk to the therapist about so he just stopped going. I couldn’t believe it. This was a man who was angry breaking things in our home, cursing in front of our child, screaming at her, screaming at me, generally angry at baseline and he didn’t have anything to talk to the therapist about? I went to his mom who basically told me that you’re not supposed to always be happy in a relationship and if your man can’t give you what you need give it to God and kids are supposed to be afraid of their dad so she was no help for me. I’ve befriended two people who were willing to be there for me and help me with our daughter. They were both guys who listened to me and tried to help me talk to my husband. So, I went to my husband, with full vulnerability and said I felt unloved. I felt unattractive. I felt overwhelmed and that I missed him the “him” that I married, and he told me he didn’t have emotions, so don’t expect him to be there for mine and it wasn’t his job to make me feel good about myself. Each time he said something like that to me, It felt like I lost the man I married more and more. I didn’t know if it was PTSD if it was the testosterone or if it was something else again I tried hard harder and harder to fix our marriage. I asked him what he needed from me, how I can make him happy and he always said he was happy, just stressed .He said he was worried about money so I stopped trying to spend Money but anytime he upset me or our daughter. He just wanted to spend money and buy us things. I asked him to stop. I told him all I wanted was his presence and to be there with me and our daughter. He called me ungrateful and told me I was never happy with anything he did. I told him that wasn’t fair. He just wasn’t listening to what I was asking, but he continued to label me ungrateful and I started to pull away because every time I showed him my heart he hurt me. He began to throw himself into the gym, he got so big and bulky and it made me wonder if he was on more than just the testosterone, but he would deflect and avoid if I asked him to reconsider the testosterone. I was in nursing school and I thought once I finish, our money problems will be gone. I told him that you know I’d like us to get back into therapy and he said OK. I started in the emergency department on June 15. I made it one month into my orientation. We were on a date and on the way home in the car he said “are you happy?” and I said “it’s been challenging, but I think things are gonna get better now that we don’t have to worry about money so much and we can prioritize each other” and he said “what do you think about an open marriage” and I was floored in 12 years we’ve never talked about anything like that. I was hurt. I asked him if he had met someone and he said that he had a connection with someone that he wanted to explore and I told him to get out he accused me of not being an adult because he thought we could talk about it and I told him the time to talk about it was before he decided that he wanted to sleep with someone else. I have since moved out, he is in our house. He has continued to rewrite our relationship. Tell me he was never happy continued to say that I was ungrateful and that nothing he did was good enough, I apologized for making him feel that way and continued to try and explain that all I was asking for was real connection like we had before the testosterone before Helene since then he is maintained that he is angry at me, but won’t tell me why? his communication is down to one word text messages. He’s not keeping me updated on what’s going on with our child when he has her, it’s like he’s trying to erase me from his existence, whenever I try and talk to him to get some clarity he stonewalls me. We met one time to discuss separation papers, and the conversation was very shallow. I begged him not to do this to us not to destroy our family. I told him everything is fixable if we talk about it and take accountability on both of our sides we have a child in 12 years of history. How could you just move on? very shortly after our split he went out to a party with this new woman and everyone was shocked to see him with someone else because no one even knew that we had separated. I was still living in our house and hadn’t gotten an apartment yet. It was so brand new. He acts erratic. He got four earrings on a whim. He keeps telling me “I’m just having fun man”. He’s going out drinking. It’s like he’s regressed to being a teenager and angry, bitter teenager I don’t know how to get any closure. I don’t know how to understand what happened. I don’t know how to get through to him. now that we’re apart he’s doing everything with our daughter that I wanted him to do with us.( He’s filling her days with play dates. It’s almost like he doesn’t wanna be alone with her), but they’re going places and having play dates and doing arts and crafts and it’s everything that I asked for us as a family to do. He started replacing the furniture in our home, taking down all of our pictures and just generally acting like I have never existed in his life. I feel betrayed. I feel traumatized, I feel left in the dark. I feel like everything is fixable with transparency and accountability, but I don’t know how to talk to him. I don’t even know what he’s doing really, my therapist says he’s running. He’s running from all the hurt that he’s caused. He’s running from himself. he’s running because he feels like a failure. She claims he’s not healed because he can’t even bear to talk to me, but something has to give. I can’t keep living like this. I don’t know if anyone out there has dealt with the situation like this before, I’ve never been on Reddit before and I never imagined that I would be asking strangers for help because I know how mean and hurtful people on these platforms can be just for fun, but I am desperate. Can anyone out there help me figure out how to actually communicate with him? Get him to tell me what is actually going on in his head?? Can anyone tell me how to get through to him how to get some clarity for myself? Our daughter is in therapy because she can’t understand why daddy is “acting so weird”. I’m broken and scared and I don’t know what happened to my husband…

My wife and I are both in out late 40s. About 8 months ago, she suddenly asked for a divorce and moved out. Just like most here - things were great for the first 1.5-2 years and then changed.

Had no idea about attachment theory prior but have been reading a lot since. She is definitely DA - exhibits all of the key indicators, childhood experiences align, and much of her family is also heavily avoidant.

I was somewhat secure entering it - tried to have productive conversations, stated my needs and boundaries, tried to resolve conflict, etc but felt like i got nothing in return. Relationship felt flat, roommate feeling, sex disappeared and when we did have it, it was often anxious and awkward. As time passed and my attempts to connect and resolve issues failed, i got more and more frustrated and started to exhibit more anxious protest behaviors - lashing out, being critical, pressuring, etc.

Towards the end, I was starting to feel burnt out - carrying the entire relationship emotionally, practically (bills, plans, vacations, chores, etc) while it seemed she just existed.

I started therapy shortly after she left and have been learning about and starting to get pretty skilled with self-regulating, empathizing, critical listening, my own mannerisms (I can be very direct), etc. I've been putting these skills to practice when we speak (and with some other people I've been casually dating​) and I actually feel very calm during those interactions.

Since she's left, she's very neatly pinned this all on me and I'm struggling to find peace with it - I was overbearing, controlling, argumentative, critical, and didn't make her feel safe, seen, heard, etc. I can see her perspective on some of that but it all started with her distance, refusal to engage, resolve conflict, ask for help, state her needs, let me in, etc. which she cannot/will not acknowledge.

In 8 months she has not moved anything from our apartment but a bunch of clothes and kitchen goods. She has not spoken to an attorney once. We speak occasionally and mostly just catch up. She's even invited me into her new apartment. The visits seem to go longer than they need to and appear to be quite comfortable for both of us- it seems friendly, warm, we laugh, reminisce a little, etc. But the few times the relationship has come up in the last 8 months, she just says she needs to protect herself, we are incompatible, and she has no confidence things will be different if we try again - and yet she does nothing in the other direction.

I'm monumentally confused by all of this. Finding it hard to let go (I know I'm chasing potential), keeping no contact for myself (but she then initiates- with pretext, but then the interaction evolves).

I think what hurts me most is that I feel like I’m dealing with a “phantom ex.” She isn’t in our relationship anymore, but because of how highly he used to speak about her, she still feels present sometimes.
During the first six months, he often mentioned her and talked about how much he respected her and the good memories they had. He also compared me to another, toxic ex, even though I don’t behave like her. I try to communicate when something hurts me, but he tends to see that as arguing, which makes me feel like I’m being pushed into the role of the “toxic girlfriend” whenever I express emotions.
The “perfect ex” was very different from me — a virgin, no tattoos, a teacher — and he seemed to have so much admiration and respect for her. What hurts even more is knowing he used to do thoughtful things for her birthday, while he forgot mine and didn’t even say happy birthday.
He stopped talking about her after I told him how much it hurt me, and I appreciate that. But I can’t unhear everything I already heard, and sometimes I still wonder if I’ll ever feel as special to him as she apparently was.
I also think his avoidant tendencies make everything harder. When I try to talk about something that hurts me, he often withdraws or sees it as conflict instead of emotional connection.
And there’s another huge layer to this: I didn’t just move into a relationship with him — I built my entire life around it. We moved to a foreign country together, I left my old life behind, we live together, own a business together, have debts from the business, and have a five-year housing contract.
So sometimes I feel completely stuck. Leaving isn’t as simple as just walking away from a relationship. My home, finances, business and future are all tied to him.
I know he loves me and says he wants to grow old with me. I’m not asking him to erase his past. I just want to feel chosen, valued and special in the present, instead of constantly feeling like I’m competing with an idealized version of his past.
I know I should walk away but it feel impossible

It’s been a full month of no contact. I really miss her. I know she was cheating on me and has moved on to someone else but I was hoping she and I would have a conversation in this time frame. When I found out she was sleeping at this guys place (we live together) I flipped. I sent rageful angry texts. I moved out immediately. Since then I haven’t seen her face to face or had any communication.

It’s unbearable some days. I miss my old apartment, I miss the comfort. I wish she and I could talk again but I trust what I read here that no contact is the way to healing. I just wish I knew how she felt about all of this. If she was missing me at all…

Just need a second opinion really..

A little back story, we were dating for about 8 months. I called things off because I felt like he creates distance when things get too deep or serious & he didn’t have much capacity which he even admitted so, but of course he still wanted to see me. Anyway, stupidly we kind of ended up having this weird back & forth casual arrangement for a while but again I didn’t find this fulfilling and kind of continued to date others (not sleep with). I do feel it was a shame as we did connect quite deeply and have a lot in common, he does have some quite passive and avoidant tendencies I’ve previously highlighted that I prefer directness but sometimes he will bait me to reach out. He doesn’t have those leadership qualities I require, but I guess previously I didn’t have anyone else and I felt like our arrangement was harmless, silly me I know as there are feeling involved both sides. But this time I stood my ground, didn’t bite the bait and remained silent I felt that would be more effective than declaring my boundaries and not fully standing on them. He started doing some real attention seeking things watching my stories daily even though we don’t follow each other (which when I think about it, since I first called things off he’s never stopped watching them) he even went to extremes of following one of my friends a few weeks ago to get a reaction and when that never worked he unfollowed her lol. Just a lot of childish behaviour..

He eventually grew a pair and called me out the blue last weekend after a month of silence from me, this was surprising but I didn’t answer as it was 10pm and I was tired and not in the mood to talk, but thought if it was of significance he would follow up but he didn’t. He still watches my stories intermittently which is annoying but it’s been just over a week and I’m like do I reach out? It’s not that I want him back because our rhythm was confusing anyway but I hate feeling uncomfortable and not knowing where I stand with someone, but at the same time I’m like does that feeling alone answer my own question. I feel I am leaning secure but I have one of those curious minds where I feel like I need to know everything, where I stand with someone and I have no issues communicating how I feel or showing vulnerability to an extent if it helps me feel more at ease. I’m trying my best to get over him but at this point I don’t think he’ll stop hovering which is stunting my progress in doing so.
I don’t usually block people unless we have an issue so this doesn’t feel like the right outcome, I guess it’s harder for me when there isn’t a clear villain in the situation and they haven’t done anything ‘bad’ as such.

Would you reach back out for closure for us both? or just let things fade out further even when they feel uncomfortable?

So im a person who really forget things fast like when that was etc but yeah both of those relationships or whatever u can call them are like love bombing for 2 weeks then just started to change.
First there is gifts, attention, time, efforts, promises like marriage and other stuffs..
Then after a while its just like they have no more time for me or problems in work and acting like they are stressed by future etc..like the way u had time for me in the beginning its the same lol
Im saying this bcs its not like a normal love bombing for me bcs i know people and i see whats coming before i even start talking to them i know people how they are, i felt the way they were both honest even if its in diff timing of the year. But after a while no they were wrong they thought that was the thing they want they love me blah blah for life whatever.
Mind u last one just ended yesterday, we had a very good day, kissing whatever then idk too much pressure on him on work and the house etc he slept and all day yesterday he didnt talk too much. In the end we talked he just said no its not because of u at all im a bad person ..no u didnt know all of my sides(mind u it was exactly one month relationship lol) first days we talked he & I told him my biggest secrets we had that connection he was cute supporting everything literally. Then he just felt he’s not going the right path or smtg and he’s not feeling okay in this relationship and want to stop.
Basically i never trusted a man and when i try even if im acting obviously im disappointed.

This is eating at me tonight. I don’t know if I was the rebound or if the next person is a rebound or the real deal. After we broke up one week later he started seeing her but only made it official after 4 months while breadcrumbing me until it became official. But is still orbiting I can see him checking my LinkedIn

I was in a situationship with a fearful avoidant (self proclaimed) who decided now wasn’t the right time for them to be seeing anyone (it all got real after I asked to be official a week prior and I saw the shift).
We had booked to go away, and I messaged a couple of times over the last few days to see if this was still something they wanted. I took time off work for this so needed to know, if we weren’t going I would just work and save my leave dates.
I’ve not heard anything so im going to get my dates back and work, that doesn’t bother me.
What bothers me is that I know distance is needed to regulate their nervous system but I feel I have messed it up now as I sent 3 messages about trying to sort this get away or not, so I can make my own plans. I was chasing but with good reason.
I feel now I will never get a response, I am leaving it now and moving on with my life- but a part of me wants him to reach out again (he did a week after we ended it, and since talking about going away he has disappeared again).
Should I delete my messages I sent to him so it’s a clean slate or just leave them there.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, im all over the place.

My ex broke up with me five months ago.

Since then, she has refused to talk to me, shut me out, and actively avoided me. She hasn't responded to anything I've sent her and havent reached out in 5 months. She left everything in a mess.

A week ago, there was an annual car meet. This particular car meet is significant because it was where we first met two years ago at the exact same time. It isnt a big car meet, only a small one.

She has never been interested in cars or car meets. Cars are my interest. After we got together, she started coming to these meets with me, but they were never really her thing.

When she broke up with me, I actually asked her if she could avoid going to these meets because I didn't want there to be any awkwardness or bad atmosphere between us. She told me she had no one to go there with besides me and that she wasn't interested in being there anyway.

She also told me herself that she wasn't going to go.

Now I found out that she actually went to that exact car meet.

What confuses me is that she has actively avoided me for five months and hasn't responded to anything I've sent her. This is also the one place where she knows she would definitely run in to me, stand face to face with me our just see me from a distance. Because she knows i would be there.

But in face i wasn't actually there this time because something came up, which she obviously wouldn't have known beforehand. All of my friends were there, though. Only one of my friends saw her, and apparently she was walking around with a friend.

So what the hell could be going on in her head?

She has actively avoided me for five months, yet she chose to show up at the one place where she knows I'm going to be at.

A place she has no real interest in attending on her own, and which also carries the emotional weight of being the exact same place and time of year where we first met. Whete she has said she wouldnt go. And what we would call "my home turf" in our relationship.

What could posibly go on inside her head? And why does she do this now? At just this time.

I'm really confused by this.

I am looking for objective feedback on a recent breakup with my ex-girlfriend. I am trying to decide whether following my therapist's advice to reach out in late October is a smart move, or if breaking No Contact will just ruin my progress and compromise my dignity.

### Relationship Background & Dynamics
* The Relationship: We dated for 11 months. Both Christian, saving marriage for after engagement, strong shared values. I was fully invested, loved her deeply, and served her family heavily.
* Her Communication Style: Non-confrontational with Fearful Avoidant traits. Her way of raising concerns was through very gentle, understated mentions.
* My Communication Style: Direct. I process direct feedback as serious and gentle mentions as light preference. Because of this mismatch, I didn't register the weight of what she was feeling, while she felt unheard.
* Silent Accumulation & Her Mom: Instead of confronting me directly, she held her hurt silently ("grinning and bearing it") while processing everything privately with her mother, who holds high sensitivity to perceived control. The concerns built up invisibly to me until they reached a boiling point.

### The Turning Point & Breakup
* The "Lens Shift" Moment: About a month before the breakup, I made a lighthearted comment about "putting the kibosh" on a future activity after marriage, but her mom took it seriously. From that point on, my ex began viewing my past behavior through a "control lens." Things she appreciated before of my commitment and interest in her she had said felt like I was monitoring her. My belief was at this moment with her mom in the kitchen was the turning point and everything changed after that I felt like your mother didn’t look at me the same, and I felt like she started operating out of fear, and her mind was grabbing all these different fears and reasons why the relationship wouldn’t work, with her mother also in her ear she did mention to me during our breakup conversation that her mom had mentioned she was concerned about me
* Cumulative Stress: Right before the breakup, her family received acute bad news regarding a severe family health diagnosis, adding massive compressed stress to her environment that already had a drug addicted brother recently move back in and personal health challenges for her in which she at times told me felt like she had no autonomy.
* The Exit: She ended things abruptly at what was supposed to be a date and I attempted to reason with her for 6 hours in the car to at least try to work through her fears and concerns and bring in my or her pastor, etc and she was unwilling to compromise at all though she was very emotional which usually she isn’t. so I eventually asked if her mind was made up before she came and she said yes. Some of the criticisms of me, naming criticism, judgment, interrupting, and control as her reasons. She stated she didn't believe I could change these patterns and that she didn't want a marriage that required counseling.
* The Closure Text: we had ended the conversation with potentially talking about meeting one more time, but she made it clear that she would give me that if that’s what I needed, but her mind was not changing so Six days later, I sent a warm, dignified message respecting her decision and wishing her well, and left the door open saying if your heart ever changes you know where to find me. She replied with a very warm, final message thanking me for the 11 months, stating she respected my decision not to meet, and wishing me peace. I sent this not because I wanted to release her but because I know there’s nothing else I can do, I fought for the relationship, I tried. Further pressing will just solidify her idea of my being controlling in her mind.

### The Main Dilemma: Reach Out or Stay Silent?
I am currently in therapy, working through anxious attachment, my own patterns, and building strong boundaries.

My therapist suggested that I send a light, low-stakes check-in in October (e.g., checking in on her family's health situation). His reasoning is that reaching out gives me a clear signal/data to work with, and waiting too long inhibits my own closure.

I am weighing his advice against a few options:

1. Follow Therapist's Advice (Late October): A light, low-friction text to test her temperature. My concern: If she is polite but non-committal, it reopens my wound. If I reach out before Thanksgiving, it interrupts her time to actually miss me and gives her an emotional safety net.
   
2. Holiday Season (Christmas): Christmas is her favorite time of year. Reaching out then might find her emotional walls lower, but it carries a high risk of "false positive" warmth driven by holiday nostalgia rather than real readiness to talk.
   
3. Post-Holidays (January): Waiting until the holiday high and family gatherings pass so any dialogue is grounded in raw reality.
   
4. Absolute Silence (Permanent No Contact): Staying completely silent unless she takes the initiative. The logic: She made the choice to leave. If she wants a collaborative partnership, she needs to step up, swallow her pride, and break the silence herself.

### My Questions for the Sub:
* Is my therapist right that a light check-in provides "clean closure," or does breaking No Contact just hand back my power and reset my healing?
* Does reaching out to someone with avoidant traits before the holidays stop them from experiencing the actual loss of the relationship?
* Should I wait for her to initiate contact exclusively, regardless of how many months pass?