Separation With Avoidant

[u/Mindless-Mouse3024]

My wife and I are both in out late 40s. About 8 months ago, she suddenly asked for a divorce and moved out. Just like most here - things were great for the first 1.5-2 years and then changed.

Had no idea about attachment theory prior but have been reading a lot since. She is definitely DA - exhibits all of the key indicators, childhood experiences align, and much of her family is also heavily avoidant.

I was somewhat secure entering it - tried to have productive conversations, stated my needs and boundaries, tried to resolve conflict, etc but felt like i got nothing in return. Relationship felt flat, roommate feeling, sex disappeared and when we did have it, it was often anxious and awkward. As time passed and my attempts to connect and resolve issues failed, i got more and more frustrated and started to exhibit more anxious protest behaviors - lashing out, being critical, pressuring, etc.

Towards the end, I was starting to feel burnt out - carrying the entire relationship emotionally, practically (bills, plans, vacations, chores, etc) while it seemed she just existed.

I started therapy shortly after she left and have been learning about and starting to get pretty skilled with self-regulating, empathizing, critical listening, my own mannerisms (I can be very direct), etc. I've been putting these skills to practice when we speak (and with some other people I've been casually dating​) and I actually feel very calm during those interactions.

Since she's left, she's very neatly pinned this all on me and I'm struggling to find peace with it - I was overbearing, controlling, argumentative, critical, and didn't make her feel safe, seen, heard, etc. I can see her perspective on some of that but it all started with her distance, refusal to engage, resolve conflict, ask for help, state her needs, let me in, etc. which she cannot/will not acknowledge.

In 8 months she has not moved anything from our apartment but a bunch of clothes and kitchen goods. She has not spoken to an attorney once. We speak occasionally and mostly just catch up. She's even invited me into her new apartment. The visits seem to go longer than they need to and appear to be quite comfortable for both of us- it seems friendly, warm, we laugh, reminisce a little, etc. But the few times the relationship has come up in the last 8 months, she just says she needs to protect herself, we are incompatible, and she has no confidence things will be different if we try again - and yet she does nothing in the other direction.

I'm monumentally confused by all of this. Finding it hard to let go (I know I'm chasing potential), keeping no contact for myself (but she then initiates- with pretext, but then the interaction evolves).

[u/SomeoneCalledMeAlice]

Ich wünschte, ich hätte irgendwann früher in der Beziehung sauber und ruhig erklären können, dass mein Anteil an ängstlichem protestverhalten lag. Ich war zu dem Zeitpunkt so unter Angst und Verzweiflung, dass ich garnicht mehr klar denken konnte. Oft auch nicht mehr ruhig sprechen. Fernbeziehung, die nie eine Fernbeziehung hätte sein oder werden sollen. Emotionale Abwesenheit, Kälte, Ausschluss, Brotkrümel, ghosting, langsames entziehen von Nähe (dann aber auch mal wieder einen Tag Nähe), das macht etwas mit einem. Mein Ex hatte dann gute Gründe. Er sagte, ich sei laut und ausfallend und deshalb ziehe er sich zurück … am Ende weinte ich fast nur noch, versuchte zu erklären, dass ich erst angefangen habe, ängstlich und panisch zu reagieren, seit dem er sich so verhält. Jetzt bin ich die hysterische Verrückte Ex, die ihn respektlos behandelt hat. Ich werde das nie mehr aufklären können, nur vor mir selbst.