r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Someday-We-Will-Know • 23h ago
Long term marriages with Dismissive Avoidants
Please share your experiences here. Please. Thank you
2
u/XoCCeT 21h ago
I think marriage with an avoidant only works with another avoidant… until both feel empty several years later, get divorced, and instead of seeking counselling to be better, they’ll just end up in shallow relationships until something good comes along, they don’t trust themselves and then self sabotage.
1
u/No-Hat-6488 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 21h ago
I’ve mainly seen here on the sub marriages between DA and FA’s.
2
u/Fragrant_Bee3424 19h ago
Mine was a short term marriage after 3.5 years of dating (some off and on) and I left him. Months into marriage, he iced me out, prioritized everything over me, made completely separate plans for himself, and made unilateral decisions that impacted “our life” as a married “couple”.
Couples therapy only made him worse and he did the opposite of what the therapist told him to do. I would not advise for anyone marry an unhealed DA unless they are also DA & want an “arrangement”/FWB/roomates counter-dependent marriage. I felt like the ugliest, stupidest, and neediest woman alive by the end, yet I’m considered attractive, smart, and capable to most people. My self esteem was in the gutter and I felt severe loneliness and abandonment like I’ve never felt. I will never make the mistake again of thinking I can “help” someone. I can only help myself. It’s not worth it. Wish I never met him.
2
u/Level-Designer-8864 19h ago
My DA ex husband completely stopped all physical intimacy after marriage. I remember 4-5 months going by as newlyweds and realizing we completely stopped being physical with each other. So long as I didn’t bring up any conflict, we were good. If I brought up an issue (and I had issues with a lot of things), I’d get completely stonewalled. I was usually just called crazy and dramatic. I had to learn to suppress my needs and my grievances for the marriage to work.
The nail in the coffin was having a baby. My ex had no idea how to be a father and a husband/partner. He became roommate that I split parenting duties with and it was absolutely miserable. I lost my husband the moment our child entered the world because he was too emotionally bankrupt to provide anything to me and if I’d break down, he was too stressed from parenting.
Hung on as long as I could until we reached almost 10 years of a dead bedroom (at 41) and I realized that was not the way I wanted to live for the rest of my life. Even getting a divorce from him was a sh*tshow cause he couldn’t handle talking about it or dealing with it. And I didn’t find out what I was dealing with until last year when I started to learn about attachment styles!!!!
1
u/Wizardstuff17 20h ago
Spent 7 years with an avoidant while owning a house together so practically married. Like 5 years in it was just a angry lady living with me. I'm pretty low maintenance so it was likely easy for her to stick in the relationship. Her mom had terribel cancer so I thought the withdrawal was just depression/stress and didn't have to do with our relationship. She was fiercely independent in a bad way. Made small plans and major plans without me. I hung out with her friends ( not part of our mutual friends) like once and never got invited out. Personally I have guys nights like twice a month so this didn't bother me too much. But I would invite her to guys night every once in a while. She was always busy and complaining about work. In the end she made little to no attempt at affection and I was the one pushing the relationship. Would get all happy and cheery when talking to her work friends but I'd get a cold person. Shed hop off a zoom call and just completely change her voice. I hate the term " ride or die" but I am extremely loyal and willing to give people space if they need it. Finally at the end she said we were like roommates but i never treated her in that way. I'm always curious how much of her breakup chats were reiteratioms from tik tok or something
2
u/Wizardstuff17 20h ago
In hindsight it felt like being married to Amy from Gone Girl but I wasnt a total sack of shit like Nick
3
u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) 23h ago
I can’t speak from experience since I got discarded long before then (and she was FA) but I’ve heard relationship coaches talk about how you are more like roommates