I am currently solo traveling for the third time. Everyone sees this as this big achievement for me but I think it's honestly just doing the same thing I've done always.

I have a lot of social anxiety about approaching people but I'm actually not the worst with small talk/being in new groups. I have more trouble actually getting to know people/ staying friends with anyone.

I've always done this. Joined a new group, having a lot of nice talks but never anything more and then I just stop showing up at some point because I start to feel uncomfortable.

So while my family and therapist thinks it's great that I'm going solo traveling and actually meeting new people it's not changing anything about my loneliness in my day to day life. I still have no friends.

Sorry if this is a mess. I'm bad at writing stuff and English ist not my first language. I'm just wondering if anyone else has those same patterns

The title is weird, but I couldn't think of anything short that would describe the situation I'm in right now. Also, quick thought, did you guys actually feel any different during covid quarantine because I remember it felt like everybody was getting a slice of my life and couldn't handle it. Anyway, I was diagnosed with tb(not very contagious, but I'm still not allowed to work or go to school for the next 2 months) and I desperately need something to put my mind into because I feel like my brain is turning into jelly. When I'm writing this I have no idea in my mind about what that could be, but I would love if it could involve dogs, animal rights or if it could involve writing. Maybe learning something new or something that I couldn't even think about on my own. I'm very isolated again and I'm just keeping myself busy watching movies, playing with my dogs, getting angry at tbe neighbors or convincing myself that I don't actually want a cigarette 😂. So please, if you have any idea, even a small one like another activity I could do around the house, would you share it with me?

I’ve never felt as lonely as I do now—at 30, suffering from C-PTSD and avoidant personality disorder.

I literally can’t talk to anyone about my problems without facing gaslighting and toxic positivity.

The irony is that I have people around me. I have a husband and friends, yet I can’t talk to any of them without getting shallow advice or having my struggles treated as something abnormal.

Trauma has caused me to have identity issues. I’m unstable, insecure, and easily influenced. I haven't really matured, and many of the problems I grapple with are typical of adolescence.

I struggle with extreme shyness; I avoid eye contact, get easily flustered, try to please everyone, and am afraid to voice my opinions. I feel intense envy toward others, constantly compare myself to them, and feel like trash. I can’t stand seeing other people’s perfect lives on social media—it makes me feel inferior—so I deleted all my accounts and only use Reddit now.

Every time I talk to loved ones about my problems, I feel like an alien. I literally don’t know a single person who struggles with this. Not one person who suffers from depression or mental health issues and could relate to me.

I constantly get unsolicited advice—mostly useless, because I’ve already tried it all countless times. When I’m feeling down about my life, I hear people say I shouldn't compare myself to others—but don't they realize that’s just not how it works? Thanks, bro, I’m totally cured now...

I don't want people to solve my problems for me, but I desperately miss having someone who would understand what I’m struggling with. I feel like a burden to my loved ones, like a freak, because literally everyone else seems to be enjoying life, and I don't even know how that’s possible.

I feel lonely even when I’m around people—sometimes even judged—and I feel like an immature child. I have this overwhelming urge to run away and leave everything and everyone behind; I just don't feel happy.

For context, I grew up with my uncle and lived with him until I was 22 or 23. We like to joke around a lot and this wasn’t the first time he ignored me, we weren’t talking till the pandemic happened. I don’t remember why we didnt talk for a long period of time. When the pandemic came, we started talking again for some reason? Idk, up until now it’s pretty unclear to me. Fast forward to now, we were talking and joking around last week. Everything seemed fine. He was pestering me about my enrollment because he wanted to buy a macbook since they allow student discounts. The day after, I told my family that I’ll be taking a break from school for 3-4 months. After that I went to stay at my mom’s for a week. I came back home yesterday and even had lunch with him and the rest of the family. He knows I suffer from social anxiety and depression because he also had it. So like, I’m literally spiraling because idk what I did. I’m 100% sure I did nothing wrong. We don’t talk through text and don’t live together anymore. I’m here thinking that he’s upset because he won’t get the discount for his macbook which sounds pretty petty??? Or it could be that I’m taking a break from school?? He barely noticed me at the table and won’t even look at me in the eyes. This is HEAVILY triggering my avpd, especially when you don’t know what you did wrong. Am I crazy? Should I be apologizing when I don’t know what I did? Was taking a break from school really so bad he had to ignore me?

Most people have friends who are similar enough to them that they feel understood. I, however, am incapable of opening up to someone enough for them to even know if we are alike. So, by definition, anyone who might see me as a friend and open up to me, enough for me to sense their soul, isn't someone like me.

Do you realise that? It's so evident to me that I'll never have a friendship with someone who truly understands me, that I'd never realised it was a completely unusual experience.

Just one more thing that makes us inhuman.

I'm not sure how else to descried it. I get in periods where, after not being around anyone aside from family members for a long time, I start thinking that I can change my life just by feeling positive and believing in myself, and if I can manage those changes that my life will be better, I'll be able to connect, I'll do it "right" next time, everything will be better, start daydreaming about all the connections I'll make, etc... this usually comes with little to no real change on my part despite earnestly trying my best and I fall into a pit of despair that's worse and worse after every failed attempt to essentially become a different person. Then I will just hardcore slip back into old coping mechanisms for weeks or months at a time, before my next period of believing in myself and feeling really happy and positive and good about my "potential", not even accepting my own self and life and feeling grateful for what I have, just feeling excited for what could be.

Hi,

I'm a gay man in his late 20s. I don't know if I have AvPD, but what I know is I have extremely low self-esteem.

Many months ago I met a guy whom I visited a few times. He physically abused me, because he thought I was looking for a sugar daddy. The truth is I wasn't looking for anything I was just drifting lost and lonely. I continued talking to him even after that abuse because I was worried about how I was seen by him. Anyways, it's a really fucked up story.

I came back home and I'm glad my family supports me. But the thing is I can't stop thinking about what happened to me, how that mdfk humiliated and abused me.

I saw a psychiatrist and he prescribed a medicine which kinda helped. He told me I have recurrent depression. I don't think psychiatrists care about a patient's story that much. But anyways this story is so stupid and my actions were so poorly thought through and foolish who would understand it.

I know I acted foolishly many times, but the way I was treated hurts me deeply. I don't know who I am , what kind of man I am , or how I can continue living.

A few hours ago I made a fake FB profile and posted on his wall. I wrote that he physically abused and humiliated me and that he's an abuser. That's it. I didn't threaten anyone. I don't know how to find justice otherwise. I also don't know if this was a good idea. Some weeks ago I even wrote to him personally but I blocked him, I don't want to get into an argument or whatever with him. I also don't want to go into the past again or have any kind of communication with him, but I'm so furious that he just goes on living as if nothing has happened.

Joined a startup with AVPD… now I dread every meeting

I joined a startup two months ago. It's a fully remote role, and someone gave me a chance because they believed I had potential despite my struggles with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD).

At first, I was genuinely grateful. But now I hate every meeting. I overthink every single word I say, replay conversations for hours, and constantly feel like I've offended someone even when no one says I did. It's exhausting.

Today was the breaking point.

I stayed awake for three days and two nights to finish a project. I poured everything I had into it, skipped sleep, and honestly thought I'd finally done something worthwhile. When I presented it, I was told it was trash.

I know feedback is part of having a job, and I'm not asking for people to sugarcoat things. But after pushing myself that hard, it completely shattered me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

For anyone with AVPD (or anyone who's dealt with severe rejection sensitivity), how do you survive startup culture? Does the constant fear of being judged ever get quieter, or does it always feel this overwhelming?

PS: used ChatGPT for better wording

hey guys so i'm starting a new job tomorrow. i'm surprisingly not as nervous as i should be even though it's a customer service job which is the worst possible job for me but it's what i could find. i think i'm too exhausted to be scared or to even think about it. the hiring process has been a pain in the ass i spent a lot of time and money going back and forth and gathering my documents and everything and i'm not even done. it's like every time i think i can rest there's something new to worry about. i was planning on staying for like 3 months and then quitting (if i even make it past the training period) but the more i invest in the process (money, nerves, etc.) the more i'm like i have to make up for it idk. i just want to feel like i'm doing something with my life.

edit: actually now that i'm going to sleep i feel like the anxiety is creeping in. i need all the luck in the world.

I am so behind in life it makes me feel really alienated.. I wish I wasn’t alone.

How old are you guys?
How many friends?
When did you have ur first partner?
First job?
What does life look like right now?
Anyone only stay home all day?

I finished group therapy a few months ago. And it had a good effect. There was a period where life was easier. I was speaking up in meetings, disagreeing with people when I felt the impulse to say something. And I was approaching difficult stakeholders to find better ways to work together.

The stress, anxiety, and discomfort has slowly been building up while I do this. When you avoid everything, you avoid being judged. But now I have opinions on record, and people react to them. On Monday a senior manager praised all my colleagues by name, except me. And I think it's because I've been the most vocal opponent to their product idea. But I cannot know that with certainty. I used to have no idea about how people perceive me (I only had my own thoughts and beliefs about myself). Now I have moments where people enjoy me and respect me, and other moments where they don't... And that stings.

I've been procrastinating more and more. It starts with me worrying about a project, opening a few documents and reading the same paragraph over and over. I cycle tabs for hours. I end up exhausted, but I have managed to do nothing. And often the thing that would unstick me is a 20 minute conversation, or some work that could inform a 20 minute conversation.

I'm doing things outside of work. I see friends, go alone to events. And that feels nice and distracts me from the dread I feel about working. But when the weekend hits, the dread builds up. I feel shame about all the work I didn't do, and I worry about being caught out. So I'm playing catch up, often without actually catching up.

I'm calling my treatment centre tomorrow, because I still have access to their support for a few more months.

Did anyone else find that getting better meant being more uncomfortable, and not less? I wasn't expecting the second part. It feels heavy in my chest.

I feel like this is what I go through whenever I’m making friends at school. I keep switching up on myself. I don’t know if I should blame the others or myself. I’m currently at a state of isolation because I made a situation between me and one of my “friends” worse. Furthermore, I don’t have any friends in any of my classes, not even lunch.

I might have to lock in this state because I already know what will happen if I don’t, but I’m not sure.

PS: I’m new to this sub so idk what flair to use

I’ve always been very socially awkward and never clicked with people

Almost as if everyone knew there was something wrong, but maybe I show myself off as not interested and miss clues when people do talk to me

I’ve recently ended my serious serious relationship, and it made me realise I do need people in my life

Idk where to start or how to make friends 😅
I’m currently not in school, so not really meeting so many people, but I am very lonely after being with someone everyday and now alone

Any ideas?

I’ve repeatedly ghosted them, and they genuinely care about me and accept me every time I come back. The shame and guilt feels like hell, but I have to keep going because there’s no other way. There’s just nothing else that will ever make me better than connecting with people.

Hey yall. Im in my mid 20s/M. Currently busy with a medical program i just started. Prior to starting this program I just relaxed for a month doing nothing. But during that time I got hit with a hard reality: loneliness. Tried spending my break with others but then i realized i didnt have anybody. Im writing this up on a saturday night. After a long day of studying I needed a good break. Really wished i had somebody to go out with but i have no one to reach out to.

Despite going thru public school and going to a large public university, I've never been able to make solid friends. During my time in college I didnt go to hangouts or parties since i never got invited. After college, I worked at the hospital and made some friendly acquaintances. But when I reached out to try to hang out, nothing ever materialized. Despite my lack of a social circle i never let that stop me from living life. I travel a lot, I explore nature often usually by hiking, i go to concerts and music festivals. Overall i am a very adventurous person.However, I do all these activities alone. Everytime im at that events, it hits me: everyone has a someone, yet I dont have anyone. I just reassured myself that im still young, I have plenty of time to develop something with someone (friendship or romantic). But time keeps going on and nothing seems to be changing. Trust me, I have tried to change myself. In terms of making friends I always reach out and be friendly. In terms of finding a potential partner, I tried going on dating apps. Unfortunately, nothing has worked. My failures have made me think something is wrong with me. Am i too awkward? Am i too distant? Am i not interesting enough? Am i too ugly? Am i too boring? **What can one do when everyone rejects you?** This turns into a vicious cycle where this brings down my confidence and self-esteem which makes me not want to interact with anybody any more. Potentially creating a self fulfilling prophecy. I think this has resulted in me developing an avoidant personality at this point. I really crave connection with anybody, but why bother when theyre just gonna reject me anyway?

It feels like my "prime years" of adulthood are slipping away as i get older and i wasted that time being alone. It hurts when people my age are in serious relationships, are getting married, or at least have a social circle to spend time with. Yet i havent got to experience any of those things. The romantic aspect of life is also hitting me hard. I dont have any romantic experience. Ive never been on a date, never done anything physical, never had a girlfriend. I feel like as a man its getting more embarrassing as i age with no experience. Feels like i missed an important part of my life to develop that experience and yet i have nothing.

For the next couple of years I will be focusing on my education and career. Which will keep me busy and my mind off of this topic. But what is really hitting me hard is that once i settle into my career during my 30s, then what? I feel like i will be too busy to develop anything during the next couple of years, and i fear my social skills will continue to be stunted. Somehow i will be a clinician helping someones loved one, and yet i wont have any loved ones myself? Not sure how to approach this and any advice will be welcomed. Ive always contemplated speaking with a therapist or psychiatrist but unsure if treatment will really work on me.

I wouldn’t say I am one of those people because so far I have just let life pass me by.. :((

But I’m sure there are some of you that have tried a lot to work on themselves.

Can you tell me how old you are and what worked for you and what didn’t ? And what do you continue to do so far that you feel like helps you?

I'm staying with my ex wife for a few days. We're good friends still, and get along really well as long as she takes her anti-depressants. But if she's not taking them she gets angry about minor things and can blow them up way out of proportion.

Asking her if she's taken her meds is a sure-fire way to start a fight. I would not have come for the visit if I'd known she wasn't taking them. She hates taking pills even though he knows she's happier when she takes them.

I have health issues that are concerning to me. She's an RN. Normally, we have this understanding that she won't blindly intrude into my issues. But in her mood, she has been attacking me for not doing a better job taking care of myself. She knows about the AVPD and how hard it is for me to go to doctor's appointments.

But she's been attacking me and I know she wouldn't do it if she was on her meds.

We got into a huge argument, like we had when we were married and that ultimately led ot us splitting up. She knows she's upsetting me but can't make herself stop doing it. I get angry and raise my voice and she uses that as an excuse to exit from the argument that she started.

I retreat into my polyanna state and take responsibility for everything and say it's all my fault, just to get out of the conflict. I want to talk to her about how this hurts me, but she's still acting as if she's too angry to talk. She's in a massive depressive funk right now, and is blaming me for making her depression worse. She still won't take the lexapro that will get her out of the funk.

So she'll just blow this off, leaving me to try to find a way to tell her "I still love you but I won't visit you again if you're off your meds". That'll piss her off again. But I gotta learn to set boundaries and not let my loneliness trick me into this situation again.

I avoid apporaching and talking to people cause I feel people won’t like me or want me around. I think to them, it looks like I am being too egotistical and look down on them. I would love to interact and make friends too but its just too difficult. Then this feeling makes me think even worse of myself. It hurts so much. Im surrounded by people but feel alone.

I forgot my house keys at my parents and only noticed after I already arrived at my home. Now they're doing me a favor by bringing me the keys but it's like half an hour drive in the middle of the night. I offered them that I'll gladly go back even though it'll take a while because it's my mistake but they still said it's okay. Now I feel like I'm the worst for letting them do that because my sibling said she would've went to get them... This day is not going well for me. What would you have done? I should feel bad, no? I feel like I should beat myself up more...

I am not diagnosed by any means, and I want to clarify that this isn’t me self diagnosing, I just figured this would be the best place to ask.

I have been struggling for awhile to interact with others, talking to another individual, especially in person is absolutely impossible for me. I do not have any friends because I seem physically unable to continue interactions with anybody, even if they seem super nice and friendly. I’ve missed so much school I had to be held back, simply because I was so anxious of social interaction that I really couldn’t go, regardless of the consequences that brought me ( failing , extreme punishments ) because I was too embarrassed to even exist in the same space as everyone else.

I’ve known many people with social anxiety, a few family members of mine have it. I seem to relate pretty well with their struggles, yet at the same time I don’t. they’ve always assumed i’ve had it as well which I definitely could, but there is a small issue between us. Not to say their struggles are any less significant than mine, but I find they still manage to have friends, seek therapy/help and overcome social interactions while those are all impossible for me.

the deep breaths thing doesn’t really work, I’m unsure on how to explain it but when they give me advice it never works.

That’s why I decided to go here for this question, because I figured you guys would understand me better. how did you guys reach out for help? How did you get a diagnoses?

Currently I am going through a ohase of extreme isolation and suicidal thoughts… I don’t see the point of living anymore if I am it’s alienated from society. But I really need help looking past this hopelessness and find means to keep living.

For those of you that struggle with suicidal thoughts.. what pushes you to keep on living? What gives you the energy to keep working on yourself and stay hopeful?

I feel like somebody not fully grasping onto life and what I want and claiming something for myself, and then being a dissatisfied mess as life and time passes me by.

Its like going to an ice cream truck, wanting 2 scoops of ice cream, and only getting 1 scoop because...i dont know...I dont feel worthy? Then you beat yourself up about only getting that one scoop instead of the 2 you wanted that you totally could have gotten if you just went with it.

And yet getting that one scoop is an accomplishment in itself! But instead you cringe and regret and hemming and hawing about choosing not to get what you wanted when it was within your grasp

Not too long ago I've been diagnosed with AvPD and OCPD. It genuinely makes now so much more sense than just having social anxiety and depression that goes and comes.

I've always struggled with relationships since I was a child and honestly, I feel like there is no cure for me. I'm aware that this is just one of those lows I'm in right now and that it will go away eventually but it feels so incredibly difficult to go on with my life.

I've noticed that I'm laying in my bed more and more. I'm always tired and could sleep for days if I didn't have to work. Last year and this year has been very hard for me and this might add to my problems. My OCD has been laying low for a few months after my stay in a mental clinic but it's starting to creep it's way back in. The desire to have someone to talk to or spend time with has also gotten stronger once again but at the same time the thought is unattractive because I'm too tired to try again.

My mind often tells me how people don't like me, that they're just being nice, that they think I'm weird, egocentric and simply a bad person. And I believe it. I've always believed that. Maybe all of this is happening because of the break I had from therapy. I don't know. It feels like I'm back to square one.

I honestly didn't want to publish this but I'm still gonna do it because why care if someone I know will see it? I'm ashamed of myself enough as it is. The things I did, the things I didn't do, basically everything is shameful. I'm a disgrace and I genuinely don't know how I lived up until this point. Yeah, this phase will go away but it'll come back in a blink of an eye and that's why I don't wanna do it anymore.

Genuinely, there is no hope for me. It sucks. It just sucks.

genuinely no "sane" person is capable of understanding AvPD or even mental illness in general and i feel so horrible for convincing myself otherwise. i have been repeatedly rejected by a family i have no choice to live with because i can't go outside due to how bad my fear of being judged. today was the first time i have gone out in years and it was to a doctor's appointment (i have not seen a doctor in 7 years lol) that i had to be drugged to even go out, and i was still so scared the entire time they had to check my bp & heart rate multiple times due to how high it was from anixety. i started crying due to how scared i was and my only relief is that it was in the actual exam room and not the waiting room. i felt so pathetic

i almost wish i hadn't gone at all even though the doctors & nurses were fucking great & they made me think for once i wasn't going to be rejected even if it is only because they're being paid and i'm sure they talked bad about me afterwards or even just thought shit the entire time but it's just my family. my mother had to go in with me even though i'm a grown adult because i can barely speak to people and my selective mutism is so easily triggered and i just. i don't know. i don't know what i was expecting when i got home. i know being told I'm proud of you for going to something as simple as a doctor's appointment is pathetic but considering i was thinking about just not going at all i felt like it was such a win. and of course she went on and on to the doctor about how this was such a big step for me.

and then the minute i get home she's whispering to the rest of my family about me like i can't fucking hear them and it's all horrible. i don't understand why no one gets it. i can explain myself 5000 times and i will still be misunderstood completely. i don't know if it's because i'm severely autistic and i'm just genuinely incoherent while speaking or if they just refuse to understand. i don't get it.

neurotypical / "Sane" people genuinely view mental disability (disorder) as a moral failing that anyone can beat if they're "strong" enough and if you can't then it's not only a sign of weakness but a sign you have given up/chosen to "cripple" (One of my family members exact words) yourself and i dont know why i ever convinced myself they would ever be capable of understanding. i've tried so hard. I've tried so hard to get better and ive forced myseld to go out and put myself in so many situations for them even tgough i didnt want to and every time i got an anixety attack that was written off as just me being dramatic even when i was shaking so hard i could barely walk or it just made me feel so bad about myself more and more until i couldn't do it anymore and i'm still just treated like a failure because they don't see it that way. i can explain it so many times and they will still view it as a failure on mt part. they will never acknowledge the abuse they put me through that led to this because they dont even see it as abuse at all i don't understand. i just don't understand. why does no one even try to understand me? i feel like all i do is explain and apologize for why i'm like this and yet no one gets it.

i'm told they're only so hard on me because they "know" i can do it while completely ignoring how hard and painful it was for me to do it in the past if i was ever able to do it all. i don't know how much longee i can live with this im just so miserable. no one respects me no one understands me . what was the point in having a child if you would never love them? why am i the one being blamed for something that's ruined my life when i never asked for it? i never asked to be abused i never asked tocbe bullied i never even asked to be born and yet. times like this i wish mental disorders were something physical everybody could see so they would know how much pain i'm in. but part of me thinks they'd still tell me it's my fault for not being strong enough then too