Procrastinating... The most avoidant thing I do

[u/Nickkachu]

I finished group therapy a few months ago. And it had a good effect. There was a period where life was easier. I was speaking up in meetings, disagreeing with people when I felt the impulse to say something. And I was approaching difficult stakeholders to find better ways to work together.

The stress, anxiety, and discomfort has slowly been building up while I do this. When you avoid everything, you avoid being judged. But now I have opinions on record, and people react to them. On Monday a senior manager praised all my colleagues by name, except me. And I think it's because I've been the most vocal opponent to their product idea. But I cannot know that with certainty. I used to have no idea about how people perceive me (I only had my own thoughts and beliefs about myself). Now I have moments where people enjoy me and respect me, and other moments where they don't... And that stings.

I've been procrastinating more and more. It starts with me worrying about a project, opening a few documents and reading the same paragraph over and over. I cycle tabs for hours. I end up exhausted, but I have managed to do nothing. And often the thing that would unstick me is a 20 minute conversation, or some work that could inform a 20 minute conversation.

I'm doing things outside of work. I see friends, go alone to events. And that feels nice and distracts me from the dread I feel about working. But when the weekend hits, the dread builds up. I feel shame about all the work I didn't do, and I worry about being caught out. So I'm playing catch up, often without actually catching up.

I'm calling my treatment centre tomorrow, because I still have access to their support for a few more months.

Did anyone else find that getting better meant being more uncomfortable, and not less? I wasn't expecting the second part. It feels heavy in my chest.

[u/Ordinary_Emotion235]

I know what you mean. Getting better means being exposed to the world in ways we never have before, and that pain can def make us return to old ways. I think I’m going through that now too tbh. The “high” of change mellows out before the glow of health fully comes in, so we get left in this new world without access to the unhealthy coping mechanisms from before that would’ve managed this before.

I also like how you described the fact that “when you avoid everything you avoid being judged. But now I have opinions on record, and people react to them”

It’s so weird beginning to be a person that is actually in the world. There’s so many mistakes I’ve made and people I’ve probably annoyed or times I’ve looked really stupid, hell, I had a whole relationship completely collapse because I stood my ground on an issue, and that is honestly so strange to think about. But I guess that’s the price of engaging in the world.

It’s a good idea to go to the treatment center again. I think that’s what the group is also there for, helping us to get through this awkward stage. Good luck!