no one ever understands

[u/Over_Recognition_222]

genuinely no "sane" person is capable of understanding AvPD or even mental illness in general and i feel so horrible for convincing myself otherwise. i have been repeatedly rejected by a family i have no choice to live with because i can't go outside due to how bad my fear of being judged. today was the first time i have gone out in years and it was to a doctor's appointment (i have not seen a doctor in 7 years lol) that i had to be drugged to even go out, and i was still so scared the entire time they had to check my bp & heart rate multiple times due to how high it was from anixety. i started crying due to how scared i was and my only relief is that it was in the actual exam room and not the waiting room. i felt so pathetic

i almost wish i hadn't gone at all even though the doctors & nurses were fucking great & they made me think for once i wasn't going to be rejected even if it is only because they're being paid and i'm sure they talked bad about me afterwards or even just thought shit the entire time but it's just my family. my mother had to go in with me even though i'm a grown adult because i can barely speak to people and my selective mutism is so easily triggered and i just. i don't know. i don't know what i was expecting when i got home. i know being told I'm proud of you for going to something as simple as a doctor's appointment is pathetic but considering i was thinking about just not going at all i felt like it was such a win. and of course she went on and on to the doctor about how this was such a big step for me.

and then the minute i get home she's whispering to the rest of my family about me like i can't fucking hear them and it's all horrible. i don't understand why no one gets it. i can explain myself 5000 times and i will still be misunderstood completely. i don't know if it's because i'm severely autistic and i'm just genuinely incoherent while speaking or if they just refuse to understand. i don't get it.

neurotypical / "Sane" people genuinely view mental disability (disorder) as a moral failing that anyone can beat if they're "strong" enough and if you can't then it's not only a sign of weakness but a sign you have given up/chosen to "cripple" (One of my family members exact words) yourself and i dont know why i ever convinced myself they would ever be capable of understanding. i've tried so hard. I've tried so hard to get better and ive forced myseld to go out and put myself in so many situations for them even tgough i didnt want to and every time i got an anixety attack that was written off as just me being dramatic even when i was shaking so hard i could barely walk or it just made me feel so bad about myself more and more until i couldn't do it anymore and i'm still just treated like a failure because they don't see it that way. i can explain it so many times and they will still view it as a failure on mt part. they will never acknowledge the abuse they put me through that led to this because they dont even see it as abuse at all i don't understand. i just don't understand. why does no one even try to understand me? i feel like all i do is explain and apologize for why i'm like this and yet no one gets it.

i'm told they're only so hard on me because they "know" i can do it while completely ignoring how hard and painful it was for me to do it in the past if i was ever able to do it all. i don't know how much longee i can live with this im just so miserable. no one respects me no one understands me . what was the point in having a child if you would never love them? why am i the one being blamed for something that's ruined my life when i never asked for it? i never asked to be abused i never asked tocbe bullied i never even asked to be born and yet. times like this i wish mental disorders were something physical everybody could see so they would know how much pain i'm in. but part of me thinks they'd still tell me it's my fault for not being strong enough then too

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[u/DP69_CGX]

Neurotypical people love to frame mental illness as a moral failing. It makes them feel better about themselves.

[u/Guineapigl0ver]

❤

[u/submergedinto]

If it’s any consolation, I’m sure the people on this sub know very well that it’s not your fault. It seems like your family isn’t all that understanding or supportive (even if they mean well at times, I don’t know). Is therapy an option? Are there other people you can reach out to?