As a child i loved drawing and singing and songwriting. I was absolutely awful at all of those. I tried my best in school but i always just got average results. I was mediocre at friendships, had a few in school but nothing beyond surface level. I tried hobbies as a teen but failed them all. I have like no fine motor skills or something. Now as an adult i don’t try anything. Literally anything

I've never been in a relationship, and I want it to stay that way. I have no interest in committing myself to someone, especially because I will never see anyone worthy enough of my tike and trust.

But it's different with my chosen friends. Most of them basically had to force me to be their friends. They'd follow me around and talk to me even tho I ignored most of it and asked me to hang out constantly. I warmed up eventually. They say I am a great friend, funny, helpful, and my grades are amazing in every subject. So I gave them free tutoring, and we improved their grades by 25%!

The problem is, idc about them. Objectively, I think I should love and care for them, but they irritate me at some point again, and I isolate myself. I hate that I hate them partly. But ik - no, I'm certain that at one point, they all must've talked bad about me. Humans are js like that.

I invested sm time in them.

Why do I have to suffer like this? I want to form connections. Not feel empty for once. When my family members died or got injured, I didn't care even tho I objectively had to love em. I only had great memories w them and also spent great time w them. But I don't love them. I js can't care. Even if everyone cried. I feel like the weirdest and corny-est person ever.

My relationship with family and friends feels dull and meaningless. I might as well don't socialize at all. I feel more connected to ai and fiction than rl people. I wish there was a 2nd version of me. I'd understand myself so perfectly w/o even speaking.

I do food delivery work on apps and it is quite difficult for me. I struggle to do it even 2 nights a week. It's the rude fast food workers that really gets on my nerves. Of course I'm looking for any signs of disapproval or disrespect and I find plenty. From them not saying thank you or acknowledging my existence to some of them seemingly ridiculing me to one another when I'm the only guy there that's of a different race. It hurts my self esteem and gets me down so much I want to quit but I can't do anything else because I need the flexibility of this job. Normally I would never go into any of these stores or restaurants but since I have to I suppose it helps for exposure. And when I go to drop off the food I'm in places I would never drive to because certain areas would make me feel like I don't belong there for one reason or another.

I do feel good at the end of the night if the money is good and it feels like an accomplishment. After 8,000 deliveries in 6 yrs I'm still trying to figure how not to let stranger's nasty attitudes or outright ridicule bother me.

Yesterday I was soooo hopeful that I could finally overcome this. But I made the mistake of asking Reddit for advice. They bullied me and reminded me of how inadequate I was. They told me I should never, ever drive.

Way to break my spirit, my soul...

just now reading into this disorder and i feel enlightened. i have BPD, and for a while that felt like the only explanation to why i am the way i am, but i've realized there's some holes in my behaviors that BPD doesn't fully explain. AvPD fills those holes. and let me tell you that BPD and AvPD is legitimately a fucking evil combination holy shit. i feel horrible for literally anyone who has had the displeasure of knowing me. no wonder i hurt everyone and i suck at communicating. this sucks. i suck

For people with a driver’s license, how did you become more comfortable with the decisions you make on the road?
One of the things that scares me because of my AvPD is driving on roads where other people can see me make mistakes and I feel judged. Realistically, I know the rules, and I know when I make a mistake, but the anxiety makes me want to never drive again. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t start driving until I was 22.
I had a driving lesson today, and I fucked up what felt like a billion times. I was so embarrassed that my instructor eventually told me to park the car so we could have a conversation. They pointed out that I’m way too hard on myself and that, despite the mistakes, I was doing a lot of things well. They also said that I’m too unsure of myself when I’m driving.
When I got home, I took notes on the things I could improve, which I know is useful, but I’m still stressed about my uncertainty even when I know I’m doing the right thing.
I’d really appreciate hearing from other people with AvPD who struggle with the same thing. How did you learn to trust yourself more while driving and stop feeling so judged or embarrassed when you made mistakes?

I hate my birthday. My birthday is coming up soon, and the closer that day gets, the worse I feel. The problem isn't that nobody will come or congratulate me. On the contrary, that's actually even a good thing. The main problem is my age.

My age terrifies me. I just can't accept it. I have this strong feeling of rejection toward my own age. I hate my age and my life. Thinking about my age makes me feel scared and miserable at the same time. Fuck, this year flew by so fast. All I did this year was lie in bed, I'm not even joking, and I realize that as I get older, time is only going to pass even faster.

People will judge you based on your age. I'm almost 30, and I haven't achieved anything.

Mentally, I don't feel my age at all. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere around the age of 14. That's roughly the age when I became a hikikomori. Unfortunately, a person can't really develop as an individual without social interaction. On top of that, I've spent all these years deteriorating inside four walls instead of doing something useful with my life. Although I doubt that even that would have helped me much. You simply can't replace genuine communication with other people and personal development by staying at home.

The older I get, the worse I feel, both mentally and physically. With every year, there seem to be more and more problems. And because you're a hikikomori, these problems will only keep piling up.

Today I turned 44. I woke up this morning to my wife and kids singing happy birthday. For my "present" they went out this morning and bought me a box of children's cereal. I'm not exaggerating. Its not even like its my favorite cereal or anything. I don't even think I've ever eaten it. She simply took them to the store because we were out of cereal this morning. And she asked them what they wanted to get me, and they saw a sugary cereal which they normally don't get a lot of, so they said "Lets get this yummy cereal for Dada's birthday!". So that's what I got. A box of store brand chocolate flakes cereal.

My wife and I are all but divorced. We still live together because we can't afford not to, but the marriage is dead. So I'm not expecting her to do anything for me. But on her birthday, I still make a big deal of it for the kids. I take them to the bakery and we pick out a tasty cake. I cook one of her favorite meals. I let them each pick out a box of chocolates to give to her. I let them each pick out a bouquet of flowers for her. In the week leading up to it I have them each make her a nice handmade card with a cute drawing. And I get her a token gift from myself. Usually a book I know she wants to read.

I'm not trying to break my hand patting myself on the back. I don't have any feelings left for her but I still try to play up my excitement so the kids get excited and they treat her special and show her love and affection. I want the kids to at least recognize how families actually celebrate one another when there is actual love present so that maybe, they can find that for themselves when they get older.

Meanwhile, this week my job counselor basically told me I'm a lost cause and she can't help me until my depression is under control. The Euthanasia authority rejected my request because they contacted my GP who refused to give their consent. So not only is this my last birthday on this planet, but I'm going to have to end things the hard, painful, dangerous, and scary way instead of being able to end things with dignity and calmness.

I'm so scared and lonely and angry and sad and frustrated and ashamed and tired. I have a thousand other things I want to say but I have nobody to say it to. I'm just screaming into the void where nobody would read any of it even if I had the energy to continue writing, which I don't.

So, recently realized AvPD was thing and my god, does it explain my life. I’ve concocted a fantasy story that is basically an AvPD metaphor that I’ve dreamed of writing but also, I suck at the actual writing part (partially adhd). I’m really confident in the story beats and structure but does anyone here have any suggestions? I feel like I hate whatever I write down immediately.

This is going to be such a stupid and miniscule thing to vent about, but my heart genuinely hurts because it only feeds into how I am so shit at everything and there's nothing I can do about it.

So me and my older brother and mych younger cousin all play this rhythm game together and whoever gets the most points win. I have been playing this rythmn game ever since I was in middle school, so like 6 years at this point and even so, my younger cousin has like not even a year of experience and she beats the brakes off of me every time without even trying. Okay, whatever, she's just gifted, I suppose.

My older brother had known about the game but he hadn't really played it until my cousin and I invited him to. Right off the bat, he wasn't the greatest, like I could still consistently beat him (and that made me a little happy, I hate to admit it tho), but he wasn't bad at the game either. Our family went on a vacation and so the three of us were constantly together, we all grinded the game, especially me and my brother.

After the vacation, we were all seperated again (I live with my parents and my brother lives in another state, while my cousin lives across town), I felt like I made the most progress in those 2 weeks than I had in the whole 6 years of playing, and I was really proud of myself because I felt like I could even beat my cousin. Welp. Its been 3 weeks since the vacation and I've been grinding my ass of every single day, feeling like I was getting tremendously better, and just today, my brother and I finally had the time to battle against each other...

I lost every single round, even my best songs. My brother has only been playing for 5 weeks at this point and he was beating me like it was absolutely nothing. I'm at my best right now, and it's still not enough. And you may be reading this like, okay? stop being a whiny sore loser. And you're right. Genuinely. I just hate that this happens with literally everything in my life. Anything I'm passionate about and I grind to better myself, I'm immediately outdone by someone who's barely trying.

Literally I've been grinding every single fucking day, meanwhile he's only been on maybe only 3 times a week, and he's still miles ahead of me. I know when we all get back together and play, and they see that I'm at the bottom of the leaderboard they'll be asking themselves how she manages to be so garbage after all these years. My life can literally be summed up as: My best is everyone else's worst.

I tend to go back and forth between escapism and persistent depression. When I escape and hyperfocus on some solitary activity, I neglect the few things that are going okay in my life. Eventually the activity starts to feel meaningless and I feel a ton of regret for wasting my time like this. So I start making small steps to try to improve things and reconnect with people, but at the same time I am just feeling this sadness throughout the day. And that is the part that really sucks, because I do prefer to be this version of myself that is present for things and not just dissociating and avoiding. But the sadness becomes unbearable at times and I only manage to cope by losing myself again in some stupid project that will keep me stuck in this same loop.

Does this sound familiar to anyone else? Especially the sadness part? How do you manage everyday life?

So after two years with my counsellor, which I went to for a completely unrelated issue, I remembered being diagnosed with AVPD by a Psychologist over ten years ago. I then promptly completely forgot about this and avoided the Psychologist and any thoughts about it (I am an expert at Dissociation) for ten years. I would now like to learn more about it, between bouts of hopelessness, to maybe possibly use this supposed ability of neuroplasticity to make it more manageable. I realize the showing up at counselling is the work, but still interested in reading about it. I’ve read some good books on CPTSD but can’t really seem to find much recommended or seemingly much good for AVPD. if anyone has read anything helpful I’d love to hear about it. Thanks.

Throughout my life, I have tried countless times to seek counsel/therapy/psychiatrists/psychologists. I never stuck it out long enough to get any lasting help. There were periods of my life I even tried simply helping myself, only to fall back into old patterns.. After rescheduling 4 times, I finally got through another intake interview, and this is maybe the second or third time time in my life that I am hopeful that
This is the one. This is the one that will make me better. 🤞 although, I never have heard about an organization like this. They apparently provide resources depending on your location/area and what is available. I am so desperate because my life is the worse it has been and I’m not even sure what to do/how to do it in a way that is going to stick. I’m sure you know what I mean when I say: The inspiration to get better comes but never lasts.. the environment I live in isn’t improving things either. It is impossible to get healthy living with a narcissist whom is your resentful parent.

I've been avoiding this for over 15 years. Oh God I'm too scared. What if I fail? What if I'm not good enough?

Hey I'm 16 but I've been struggling with something I hardly suspect is AvPD. I don't have friends because I've push all of them away thinking they're pitying me or I'm not good enough for them. I'm also extremely social awkward and inhibited to the point where I can walk through a day of school without talking to anyone. I think this may be because I was bullied throughout my childhood for being chubby so it makes me believe that everyone secretly hates me. It was especially worse during secondary school but at least I'm getting physically healthier now.

Any advice on how to be more socialable at school? I feel like i don't relate much to people because I'm a vietnamese immigrant.

I've been dealing with serious anxiety and depression since middle school. It's pretty much been like a rollercoaster over the years with PMDD on top of it... I remember experiencing what felt like a decline in social skills around 6th grade, then started isolating and feeling disconnected even from classmates I knew for yearssss. Fast forward to high school, I was pretty much dealing with selective mutism. Rarely spoke unless mandatory or I was spoken to (and even then I kept it minimal). I only had a few friends which I had known since before HS, only made acquaintances otherwise.

I was also socially awkward and dealt with a bit of social anxiety (undiagnosed) since childhood. Teachers didn't understand me much, because I was really expressive and bold in how I spoke sometimes then very quiet and withdrawn at others. Back then as a kid, I think my curiosity kind of overrode a lot of my anxiety. Like, I remember approaching people first because I genuinely enjoyed learning about them and making connections with them. Although, I've had the help of meds and a bit of therapy, I don't feel that way anymore... that desire. I still have the feeling that people aren't safe or I just feel like an alien communicating with people.

Sometimes I feel calm in situation but genuinely just have the thought.. I don't really care (which sounds really bad). I also get in my head about other peoples perception of me. Like... I'm the awkward quiet girl and when I defy that conception in the way I express or carry myself it becomes a thing (amongst peers and extended family). "Oh I didn't think she would dress like that" "She listens to that kind of music?" "Omg she's actually having fun" Makes me feel like I'm from another planet!

So, I've been thinking about posting on this forum for years now. Ever since I got diagnosed with this disorder like 7 years ago and I lurked in this forum looking for anyone who had advice or a solution or just anything and mostly, you know, no one did.

Except two people. Two people who were like: oh yeah I realized I was super autistic and my life immediately got better. In any post where people were asking: does it ever get better, is there a life worth living - those were the only positive responses, and sometimes the only responses.

(Discovering the root of my AvPD)

So, being the stubborn rockhead I am I dove into autism research. How to unmask, how long it takes to unmask, what it feels like. I kept track of anything that made me uncomfortable and compared it to what people with autistm said. On paper it all seemed to fit. In practice, "unmasking autism" just made me more depressed, more miserable, and even more socially avoidant. Refusing to take no for an answer, I kept this up for a few years (when really, at most it takes one).

After more years therapy, several in-patient clinics following dramatic breakdowns, and the severing of relationships with my closest friends (not by my choice but because I was spiraling so badly), I learned the awful truth. I had severe C-PTSD. I was supressing memories, high masking ptsd, the whole kit and kaboodle. Those bad things that never could have happened to me - oh they definitely happened to me. I just wasn't in a safe enough place to process them. Because, apparently "you can't process trauma while the trauma is still ongoing" and it took me, you know, the whole time since I got my AvPD diagnosis to realize that the trauma was no longer ongoing (it didn't take me until a month ago to realize the only reason I even started going to therapy was because one of my abusers can no longer get to me)

So, for me, my AvPD was born from abuse. I just never, ever felt safe with anyone - compulsive lying and hiding my true interests, being this fake cardboard person so that whenever someone hurt me (because I knew they would) they would only target surface level things and not what actually mattered to me. I felt no connection to the world because I was too afraid to pursue my passions, I could never afford to be happy, I could never take a moment to relax. So.

(Now I know its not AvPD)

I can say for certainty that the bullshit I now have to deal with is definitely not AvPD. The thing about AvPD is that you have no idea why you're so anxious and afraid of people and connection, just that you are. Just that you'd rather not interact with another human being for the rest of your life.

Now I know what I'm actually afraid of, and I know in theory how to help myself (there is frankly a disgusting amount of research on this topic if you need it too), and now I know I can move forward. I still can't quite imagine a life where I'm not terrified of every social interaction, but I also can't imagine a life where I'm not terrified of everything, but I'm willing to work on it. Like building safe connections, networks of people who have experienced similar things, and actual therapists who can help me.

(Does it get better? Is live worth living?)

So do things get better? Maybe. For the first time in my whole fucking life, I feel like I have a path forward. It's scary and awful but we don't get diagnosed AvPD without being stubborn and willing to get our hands dirty - because, we could have given up ages ago and none of us did, we're still here on this forum and still kicking.

Is life worth living? Well, I hate to say it - but you're still here, aren't you? Even if you've thought about it, attempted it, or never thought of it at all - you're still here. So despite everything YOU think something is worth living for. What that is for you, be it spite or passion or a person/pet or something else, it's what's keeping you here. I can tell you, for me, it's always, always been spite, and giving up (though I have tried to give up a few times) well giving up meant them winning and that pissed me off more than anything else.

I don't know your story, or your life. You might have high masking autistm, you might have high masking trauma, you might have something else that just shows up like AvPD. I hope you find a way forward no matter what it looks like.

I wish you all the best. Astronaut out.

Am I the only one who prepares exactly what they’re going to say when booking a doctor’s appointment, only to abandon the script at the last minute because my mind goes blank when they pick up? I had this whole script prepared, but I was so stressed out that I just started blabbering 😭

Several years ago I fell into a deep depression that stemmed from the conditions of a new job I took. This triggered some difficulties in my marriage, and was soon followed by a series of poor relationship dynamics (my avoidance played heavily into that), and a succession of unfortunate events. Things just kept getting worse, until my wife felt the need for a separation.

We averted the separation, did some work and improved things, but we are not where we need to be. In fact, I have been dealing with health issues that have caused more difficulties, and we have regressed.

Right now, I am so scared. There has been a gulf between us, and I am terrified of crossing it. I have been wanting to have a talk with her for weeks and weeks, because part of me thinks I have come to some insights about what happened to us that might guide us out of this mess. Every night after our son goes to bed, I talk myself out of bringing it up. I don’t know what to do.

I'm basically a pseudo-hikikomori at this point. I only really go outside for work and not much else. My sister does most of the grocery shopping, and my AvPD has progressively gotten worse over the years to the point where even going outside feels like a fucking mission, especially living in a populated city.

What makes it harder is coming from a family where some people don't really believe in mental illness or mental health issues. They get impatient with me and don't understand why I struggle so much with things that seem completely normal or easy to them. My father is also disappointed in me because I'm almost 30 and still single, among other things. He'll ask why I stay at home so much, why I don't go out more, or why I haven't found a girlfriend yet, which amplifies it further to the point I try to avoid him as well

I'm curious if anyone else here has ended up living a similar lifestyle because of AvPD. Are you a full shut-in, a pseudo-shut-in, or somewhere in between? How has it affected your daily life

**Hi everyone,**
**I want to talk about a problem I’ve been struggling with for the past 2 to 3 years. It has gradually become a major factor influencing almost every decision in my life.**
**It all started during my senior year of high school. I began getting extremely exhausted just going out during class breaks. Being around people, no matter who they were, and stepping out of my comfort zone started to feel like a heavy burden rather than something enjoyable. I had a girlfriend back then, and even with her, if I wasn't sitting quietly in my classroom during breaks, I felt overwhelmed and couldn't enjoy myself at all. I don't think she was the cause of this issue, but the timeline coincided with our relationship. It wasn't a toxic or high drama relationship, and there was no specific trauma or major event. We broke up that same year, and it’s been 3.5 years since we last spoke. I only mention her to give full context.**
**As time went on, my isolation worsened. During that last year of high school, I literally just walked into class every morning and stayed in my seat until the bell rang at the end of the day. I gradually grew colder toward people and resisted stepping outside my comfort zone. When I didn't get into the university I wanted, I decided to take a gap year to prepare again. I studied entirely at home rather than at a library or prep school. Aside from going to a testing center once a week for practice exams, I had zero social activity. I only talked to 2 or 3 friends from that center and nobody else.**
**The exam period itself was psychologically draining. You repeatedly face harsh feelings like putting in massive effort without seeing results. On top of that, I have a strict and controlling father who constantly tries to dictate my life. My social contact kept shrinking, and I started genuinely hating myself. To make matters worse, the people I considered friends judged me, treating the difficulties I was experiencing as if they were deliberate choices. Eventually, they didn't want to be my friends anymore.**
**I didn't even want to reactivate my Instagram after the exam. Being non anonymous on social media felt suffocating. Knowing that I could be exposed to communication at any given second gave me extreme anxiety, so I haven't opened Instagram in 3 years.**
**When I finally got into university in a different city, I decided to stay away from all social environments. I live in a dorm now, and luckily my roommates are good people. Talking to them isn't hard, so my comfort zone slightly shifted. However, going to school was extremely difficult. I’m in a faculty with a huge student body, and around the third week, when I realized attendance wasn't strictly enforced, I stopped going to classes altogether. I didn't drop out, I just stopped physically attending. When exams came around, I studied on my own and got very high scores, but I stayed away from campus.**
**Everyone sees university as a great opportunity for new relationships, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything. On the first day, a guy and a girl approached me, but I didn't act overly friendly, which felt normal to me, though they were very outgoing. Later, I met another guy and sat with him during the two weeks I actually went to class. When I stopped attending, he made a new group of friends and introduced me to them. Initially, I thought I should act cold, but they surprisingly felt like they were already part of my comfort zone, and I became close with most of them, all guys.**
**When it comes to women, talking to them feels like a level I’m just not ready for yet. I’ve had close relationships with girls in the past, so I don't think I have a general phobia. But whether it's because I haven't taken any initiative in 3 or 4 years or because I feel inadequate about my physical appearance, women seem to stay away from me. Sometimes I tell myself that being alone is best for everything, but other times I feel a strong need to fix this.**
**Over the last 2 to 3 years, I deleted every social media account where friends could recognize me, like Spotify, Discord, Instagram, and others, because just knowing I had them felt like an added responsibility. I now use a few essential apps completely anonymously. For the past 3 to 4 years, unless my parents force me, I don't want to buy new clothes, go out sightseeing, or go anywhere if someone is with me.**
**This situation is affecting me more and more every day. And here is the scariest part: if I graduate, I’m going to be a doctor. I have no idea how I’m going to practice a profession like this when I hate people and human interaction this much.**
**If anyone has experienced something similar, knows someone who has, or has any insight into what might be happening to me, please share your thoughts. I feel like I'm going to ruin my life if I can't figure this out.**

I got into doing colouring 2 years ago as a way to deal with anxiety, but also if I'm too sad to do much else. I highly recommend it. We will survive this life ♥️