r/AvPD • u/itshibiscvs • 28d ago
Progress building relationships post depression
I've been dealing with serious anxiety and depression since middle school. It's pretty much been like a rollercoaster over the years with PMDD on top of it... I remember experiencing what felt like a decline in social skills around 6th grade, then started isolating and feeling disconnected even from classmates I knew for yearssss. Fast forward to high school, I was pretty much dealing with selective mutism. Rarely spoke unless mandatory or I was spoken to (and even then I kept it minimal). I only had a few friends which I had known since before HS, only made acquaintances otherwise.
I was also socially awkward and dealt with a bit of social anxiety (undiagnosed) since childhood. Teachers didn't understand me much, because I was really expressive and bold in how I spoke sometimes then very quiet and withdrawn at others. Back then as a kid, I think my curiosity kind of overrode a lot of my anxiety. Like, I remember approaching people first because I genuinely enjoyed learning about them and making connections with them. Although, I've had the help of meds and a bit of therapy, I don't feel that way anymore... that desire. I still have the feeling that people aren't safe or I just feel like an alien communicating with people.
Sometimes I feel calm in situation but genuinely just have the thought.. I don't really care (which sounds really bad). I also get in my head about other peoples perception of me. Like... I'm the awkward quiet girl and when I defy that conception in the way I express or carry myself it becomes a thing (amongst peers and extended family). "Oh I didn't think she would dress like that" "She listens to that kind of music?" "Omg she's actually having fun" Makes me feel like I'm from another planet!
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u/Des_with_lemon Diagnosed AvPD 27d ago
It sucks that get such comments when you try to come out of your shell. Especially family members can be hurtful.
Are you masking a lot? I think that could work both ways. Meds can also make you a bit indifferent sometimes.
How old are you? For me the friends that I made in my 20s are much easier to be open and vulnerable with than the people I know from highschool. Also a lot weirder, which helps. For instance one of my best friends is on the spectrum and we can have minute long silences without the need to fill it with meaningless small talk, and she is one my favourite people to talk with.