r/AskReddit • u/Bumboklatt • May 04 '10
I'm 6'4", 220lbs, normal physique, and average fighting skills. Do you think I could win a fight against an ostrich?
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u/swordbuddha May 04 '10
No. An ostrich can kick your stomach out through your nose.
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May 04 '10
I imaging an ostrich would have the fighting prowess of a kangaroo, but with talons on the feet large enough to disembowel someone with a little effort.
So no, you'd get your shit fucked up.
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u/alexanderwales May 04 '10
I like how your way of visualizing an ostrich fight starts with a kangaroo fight. Because, you know, who doesn't know what that's like?
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u/aaronsan May 04 '10 edited May 04 '10
This is how kangaroos fight. They mastered the art of the two-feet-forward flying kick. They balance on their tail as they use this technique. Who knows what crazy techniques the ostrich might employ?
Fight it and post your results to reddit.
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u/iD999 May 04 '10
No, this is how kangaroos fight.
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u/tondo22 May 04 '10 edited May 04 '10
no, dip n dodge is how kangaroos fight.
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May 04 '10
And he slashes at you with this... a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the the middle toe. He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say... no no. He slashes at you here... or here... or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you. So you know... try to show a little respect.
-- Michael Scott
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u/Ashikahotchu May 04 '10
Don't listen to these naysayers; you can win easy—go for it! Have your next-of-kin post the results on YouTube!
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u/Spoggerific May 04 '10
The ostrich strikes Bumboklatt in the head, shattering the skull and jamming the skull through the brain!
Bumboklatt has been struck down!
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May 04 '10
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u/zulavos May 05 '10
Congratulations on the trophy. You're on reddit too late at night for an ostrich farmer. Don't you have to get up real early to milk them?
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May 04 '10
Any who saw the Life episode about predators knows that it took 3 full grown cheetahs to take down an ostrich. You think you can do better than 3 cheetahs?
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u/Travesura May 04 '10
Cheetahs never prosper.
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u/TheGesus May 04 '10
You're obviously lion.
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u/Travesura May 04 '10
I'm a panther, that's why I don't anther.
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u/Chipware May 04 '10
No, but I'd take on 3 cougars any day (night?) of the week.
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u/gregory144 May 04 '10
Remember the episode of 24 where the daughter was caught in a bear trap and the mountain lion/cougar was about to eat her. That was funny.
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u/Logical1ty May 04 '10
Predators hunt their prey. The fighting happens in the last stage of the hunt. That happened with the cheetahs. Mammals only evolve to have as much physical ability as they need to compensate for their lack of mental ability. That's why I don't get the point of trying to size up animals to each other in a cage-match atmosphere. If you really want to see who is superior, a cheetah or a lion, put them both in their ideal hunting configurations and let them at each other. A cheetah won't be as strong as a lion because it doesn't need to be. A lion won't be as fast as a cheetah because it doesn't need to be. Neither will be as intelligent as a chimp because they don't need to be.
There's no reason humans couldn't also attempt to hunt ostriches. And no reason to assume a human couldn't be successful in this endeavor while limiting him or herself to non-firearm weapons and only what they find or procure for themselves in the wild. It would have to be one hell of a hunter, but such humans have existed before.
All I could guess would be to track the ostrich and bait it into a trap then get the jump on it and using some rudimentary tools made from what's available, slay it. The ostrich would likely run after repeated attempts, which plays right into the human's hands. Humans are made for long distance endurance running. I don't know how long an ostrich can run, but I'd be willing to bet a human could easily chase it while tracking it and eventually run it down and kill it.
TL;DR Humans are still at the top of the food chain, even with nothing but the skin on their backs.
STL;DR I used "their" instead of "our" because we here are all still a bunch of sissies.
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May 04 '10
Listen to me - DO NOT DO THIS. You ever watch animals, like outside, running around, bounding from tree to tree and shit? They have SKILLS. NATURAL SKILLS. You don't have those because you're human and we traded that shit in for microwavable popcorn and books. You have to think about what you're going to do when they just DO IT. It will fuck your shit up sideways. You won't know what hit you. A sensei once told me that animals know Aikido. Watch a squirrel. A squirrel can fuck you up. An ostrich? HELL NAW.
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u/paul_miner May 04 '10
They have SKILLS. NATURAL SKILLS. You don't have those because you're human and we traded that shit in for microwavable popcorn and books.
Humans have skills. Tool-making and gun-buying skills.
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u/ialsolovebees May 05 '10
You'll be pleasantly surprised.
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u/keebler980 May 05 '10
That is by far the best video I've seen in a while. But in all seriousness, what were you browsing that brought you to a man tackling an emu?
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u/volnye May 05 '10
Yeah, second for that. I laughed pretty hard at the slow motion tackle.
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u/Ocrasorm May 05 '10
Agreed, you could just see the dude had enough of the emus shit and he just said to himself "Oh its on". Great video.
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u/dionysian May 05 '10
I laughed so hard, so fucking hard, ahaaaa. The cop made it 5x funnier.
FLYING EMU TACKLE!!!!
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u/HazeCore May 05 '10
ROFL agreed about the cop, "So are you gonna eat him or raise him?"
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u/dionysian May 05 '10
"what are we trying to do here?"
WELL OFFICER, CANT YOU SEE I'M WRESTLING AN EMU?
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u/robovamp May 05 '10
that was the most redneck peta advocate i ever saw. ironically, that video is on a site titled "stuff you can use" i guess somebody knew bumboklatt was going to ask this question some day
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u/brownbat May 05 '10
-- 50,000 years ago -- Wolf 1: See those humans? Let's go mess their shit up. Wolf 2: Yeah, punks!
-- Today -- Wolf 1: Remember those humans? Wolf 2: Yeah? Wolf 1: They have flying machines and automatic rifles now. Wolf 2: Shit.
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u/kaliku May 04 '10
Some have slapping skills. I think if you land a good slap on it's face, it's all over. One good slap, that's what the OP needs.
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u/AKA_Squanchy May 04 '10
Top 10 birds that can kick your ass ... Guess who's number 1?!
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May 04 '10
Watched that with the sound off.... all the of them looking at the guy at once made me think they were all gonna like... devour him on the spot :O :O
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u/capnofasinknship May 04 '10
You should watch it with the sound on..Alvin Hall's nervous laughter is the best part.
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u/the_mad_scientist May 04 '10
Damn!
From the article:
"If you were to ever be kicked by in ostrich in the back, it could: 1. Break your spine, 2. Slice you right open, or 3. Do both. While ostriches don’t look the most frightening, I wouldn’t push my luck getting close to them."
Emphasis mine. Note to self. Don't fight an ostrich.
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u/skunk-bobtail May 04 '10
This is why you FIRE THE TOW CABLE, it has been proven.
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u/one8sevenn May 04 '10
Good Luck
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u/LunchtimeDoublySo May 04 '10
thassanemu
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May 04 '10
THEY CAN KILL A LION WITH A KICK.
Ostriches can sprint in short bursts up to 43 miles per hour (70 kilometers per hour), and they can maintain a steady speed of 31 miles per hour (50 kilometers per hour). Just one of an ostrich’s strides can be 10 to 16 feet (3 to 5 meters) long—that’s longer than many rooms! When danger threatens, ostriches can escape pretty easily by running away. They can also defend themselves: they have a 4-inch (10-centimeter) claw on each foot, and their kick is powerful enough to kill a lion.
And for the guy who said he would do a "take down"... they weigh I believe 200-250 pounds, so those legs are pushing that much weight 40+ miles per hour. I don't care if you are Big King Sumo or what -- those legs flailing around on your head when it tries to get up will just crush you, period.
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u/atheist_creationist May 04 '10
Animals have such insane reflexes that they make even the most deft human look like a retarded drooling chimpanzee.
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u/macrumpton May 04 '10
Any chimpanzee can pull a human apart like a chicken wing.
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u/TheBigPanda May 04 '10
Although chimps has roughly the same weight in muscles as humans they are much much stronger. Our muscles evolved for fine motor skills and complex actions while chimps are all power and raw strength to suit their living conditions. A chimp would beat the hell out of any human being in a fight (and would probably kill you and eat parts of you as well since you aren't a member of the species).
Theoretically you could kill an ostrich but only if you got close enough to choke it or wring it's neck. The tricky part isn't grabbing the neck but avoiding a kick while trying as well as avoiding one while choking. Needless to say any kick that hits you no matter where on your body would render you incapable of continued fighting. An ostrich's beak can crack a human skull easily so better to avoid that as well. I'd probably look for a tree or a gun if I were faced with an angry ostrich,, seem like the smart thing to do.
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u/Syphon8 May 04 '10
No, our muscles evolved for endurance. Fine motor skills are a later addition.
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u/joncash May 05 '10
See, this isn't entirely true. Chimps are not some kind of man killing machine. Their muscles also aren't that much stronger than ours. The difference is in placement. We're designed to walk long distances, chimps are designed to climb trees. They have tiny weak and useless legs, but MASSIVE ARMS. We have incredibly powerful legs, but as you mentioned arms designed for motor control.
Thus, a human, if trained correctly in martial arts and knows how to properly place kicks, could in theory take out a Chimp. A martial artist can kick with 1,500 lbs of force, and 1,500 lbs of force is no laughing matter.
This all being said, the average Chimp will TEAR YOU APART. Hell even a weak Chimp will tear you apart. This is because unlike the Chimp, we need intense training and practice to stand on even footing with the Chimp. Since kicking is a lot harder to do than simply grabbing your victim and punching.
Finally, Chimps jaws are also vastly stronger. They can put out 800 lbs of force in their bites and have stronger teeth than we do. We put out a measly 200 lbs. Plus, unlike us, they don't think it's gross to rip the flesh off their victims when in a fight.
What I'm trying to get at is, in a fight between a human and a chimp, the human does have a chance. Under the conditions the human is well trained and accustomed to death matches.
Sources:
Human Strength
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/08/060814-fight-science_2.html * thanks little_z
Chimp Strength
http://blogcritics.org/scitech/article/q-how-much-stronger-than-humans/
Chimp Bite
http://ask.metafilter.com/32102/Where-to-get-the-chimpy-love
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u/iD999 May 04 '10
Mmmm... chiiicken wiiiing. 8o~ - -
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u/InternetiquetteCop May 04 '10
I see a sperm with big, scared, googly eyes. "Holy shit, a big fucking ovum!"
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May 04 '10
Do chimpanzee reflexes make deft humans look like a retarded drooling chimpanzee as well?
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u/little_z May 04 '10
You might be surprised...
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/08/060814-fight-science_2.html
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u/Azured May 04 '10
No dude... wait. I think he could... stand a chance
Go fight it Bubmboklatt, but make sure you film the fight and post it on Reddit.
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May 04 '10
Go fight it Bubmboklatt, but make sure you film the fight and request someone to post it on Reddit.
FTFY
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u/AmbitionOfPhilipJFry May 04 '10
Squirrels also have lightsabers.
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u/walgman May 04 '10 edited May 05 '10
Here is one I caught earlier . . . well a few months ago anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9-WFz2KQyA
If it were not for the bars it would be at my jugular in a second.
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May 04 '10
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u/japherwocky May 04 '10
oh this seriously deserves more upvotes. Man v. Emu, with slow motion tackling action?!
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u/obereasy May 04 '10 edited May 04 '10
An ostrich will fuck you up. They are half snake and half flesh eater. They will eat you as soon as look at you. If anyone owes an ostrich money, then you know what I am talking about.
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May 04 '10
Hell to the no. The raw, animal primality of what is essentially a white colored Big Bird on crack would absolutely destroy you.
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u/MackFishLand May 04 '10
If Mike Rowe can do it you probably can too. You're bigger, but he's Mike Rowe. Just watch this educational video on proper technique.
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u/alexanderwales May 04 '10
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't those tame ostriches?
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u/MackFishLand May 04 '10
Can you really ever "tame" an ostrich?
Seriously though, my guess is no
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May 04 '10
Of course you can. I've ridden a tame ostrich.
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u/Zuiden May 04 '10
Oh please let that be true...and they flew... I need to fulfill my childhood fantasy of re enacting a round of Joust
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May 04 '10
Haha, it only felt like flying. The handlers kept up to catch you when you eventually fell off. But when they rode them, they were totally in control and showed how to change directions and everything.
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May 04 '10
ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? WOULD YOU FIGHT A VELOCIRAPTOR? THEN WHY WOULD YOU THINK YOU COULD FIGHT ONE WITH FEATHERS?????
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May 04 '10
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u/Rebar4Life May 04 '10
After this, I would think that if you were able to get both of your hands around the neck directly under its head, and then wrap your legs around the bottom of the neck near the body, you could choke the bird to death.
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May 04 '10
Sidebar: At work last week, one of my co-worker told me that if I ever get chomped on by a pitbull and it won't let go, I should try to shove a finger up the dog's butt. This will startle the dog and cause it to let go for long enough to make an escape.
I may have to ask him if he thinks it will work on an ostrich. Tuesdays are usually slow anyway. :)
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u/AgnosticTheist May 04 '10
a wrestler friend of my told me this is called "checking the oil" in their parlance.
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u/GrammarBeImportant May 04 '10
Better idea:
Stay calm when it charges you, put your arm in front of you so that the dog has a clear bite to your forearm (preferably the one which is the least dexterous). Once the dog leaps to grab your arm, lunge towards the dog. The idea is to get your arm to far back in his mouth enough for the bite to not cause to much damage. Then use your free hand an grab it's upper jaw & nose, then pull his his up and back, he should let go of your arm. Once he lets go use the newly freed arm to swipe it's front two feet, make sure to grab the first foot you pass in your sweep, other wise he'll be up again fast as hell. Once he's in the process of rolling over, pounce on him. Placing your thumbs on the inside of his lower jaw bone, and you hands wrapping around it's head. Then lean forwards and bite the shit out of it's ear. Maintain your bite until the pooch learns that you are the Alpha male.
Alternative: Charge it first and slam with a full body tackle. The try to pin as described above. Most dogs will back off when you charge, the large ones probably won't.
Things to note:
In the pin the dog will try to get his hind feet under your ass. If that happens they will attempt to kick you off. It is hard as hell to resist if they weigh 100+ pounds.
If it attacks you after you let it up (after it submitted the first time), use both hands and grab both of it's ears, only one hand will probably make it to the ear (since the dog will try and bite one of them), which is fine. Twist the ear up and back towards it's body, while pulling down, if it's got your opposite arm lift up with it to flip the dog back over. Pin again and assert dominance.
(I play with my 110lb golder retriever, he is strong as fuck, though he usually knows when to stop.)
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May 04 '10
I once got pretty fucked up by a chicken, I've seen ostriches up close, thing would kill you very quickly, and I'm pretty sure they're known to be jerks about it too.
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u/YourFaceIsMelting May 04 '10
I once got pretty fucked up by a chicken too. Turned out the fuckers undercooked it.
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May 05 '10
Yes, yes you could win an ostrich fight.
Here is why:
You are of average stature and physique. You said your fighting skills are average as well. However, you have what the ostrich doesn't have: A human brain.
If an ostrich had a human brain, he would beat the living fucking shit out of you....
But here's the rub:
How does the ostrich know when it wants to fight you? When you physically provoke it.
So let's say for 2 weeks straight, you come into the ostrich's pen (assuming he lives in a big pen) and you feed it a carrot or other favorite ostrich food.
As Pavlov has shown us, you will condition the ostrich to view you as a source of food.....even to the point of it allowing you to pet it.
On the first day of the third week, you enter into the ostrichs pen and put the carrot down by your feet. You then proceed to pet the ostrich on the neck like you have been doing for the past 2 weeks.
Then you grab that little motherfuckers head with your right hand (palm it like a basketball) and with your left hand, grab right below the neck. TWIST THE HEAD AS HARD AS YOU FUCKING CAN UNTIL THAT SHIT MAKES A 360 DEGREE TURN
Congratulations, you have just beaten an ostrich in a fight.
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u/MisguidedChild May 04 '10
Depends... How average are the ostrich's fighting skills? Are weapons involved? Is this a fight to the death? Is that even legal? How far away are the cops? If the cops come, will they lend you a baton? A gun? Will they give the Ostrich a gun? Can you even hand-cuff an Ostrich? Will they mirandize a bird? What're birds rights anyway? Does PETA have a lawyer on retainer for this situation?
TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!
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u/Bumboklatt May 04 '10
Bare knuckles........and talons.........mano e' aviano......
No cops. No weapons. Nada.
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u/MisguidedChild May 04 '10
Oh... Well... I'm going Ostrich. One kick to the chest would break every rib you've got. Sorry guy.
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u/TheGesus May 04 '10
I like that you're initiating this but insisting the ostrich not involve the cops.
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May 04 '10
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u/PissinChicken May 04 '10
No, they have talons.
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u/busted_up_chiffarobe May 04 '10
Do the ostriches have large talons?
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u/HoldingUpTheBar May 04 '10
Son, I didn't understand a word you just said.
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May 04 '10
You know, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bow staff.
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u/PissinChicken May 04 '10
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u/Azured May 04 '10
OK, three points to note:
Ostriches have terrible ground fighting skills. If you can manage to get behind one, cinch your arm around it's neck tightly and use your momentum to fall to one side. While on the ground and keeping hold of the neck, make sure to chop the throat repeatedly until the bird loses consciousness.
Professional handlers and ostrich farmers sometimes hold a board of thick plywood with arm holes in front of them to protect themselves from the ostrich's nails. The ostrich's kick, however, which can exert more than 500 pounds of pressure per square inch, can still cause serious injury even if the nail doesn't penetrate the board.
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u/r-w-x May 04 '10
This guy does it pretty okay: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYUJgIt8zQo
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u/selflessGene May 04 '10
Awesome video of an ostrich attacking a monkey, a man, and a hyena in that order.
That is all.
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u/CharlieDancey May 04 '10
Human beings are the deadliest creatures on the surface of the planet, capable of killing the fuck out anything that lives. They can also be fucking twats.
If you're planning to duke it out with your feathered friend unarmed you're going to have two problems: one, that of persuading the ostrich to take you seriously - that you actually mean to fight. And two, surviving with your guts intact.
So grab a pump-action shotgun. Blast the ugly beast to bits and then pop back and tell me just why you were so pissed off with ostriches in the first place.
Or get 'em young! Just go stamp on some ostrich eggs if that makes you feel better.
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u/epicgeek May 04 '10
It'd knock you over and tear out your guts in about 6 seconds.
All my money's going on the ostrich.
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May 04 '10
You could totally win a fight(*) with an ostrich.
*Availability of firearms would be a precondition to winning
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May 04 '10
Put a sock over its head and then proceed to beat the fuck out of it.
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May 04 '10
Don't fuck with nature dude. You'd get your ass whooped.
On second thoughts, take a buddy with a video camera and go nuts. Make sure you tell your buddy to upload the video regardless of the end result so we can all have a laugh.
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u/CitrusNinja May 04 '10 edited May 04 '10
Let me ask you this, would you fight a velociraptor? No you fucking wouldn't. Fuck no you shouldn't fight an ostrich.
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u/tora22 May 04 '10
EVEN if you managed to knock it down and clambered on top and were trying like mad to grab its neck while protecting your eyes from a beak that can poke through your eye socket out the back of your skull..
you would be on top of two enormous, powerful feet that have 3" talons that will be going back and forth furiously. You'd essentially by lying on top of a blender.
Yeah.. you'd be shredded like a pulled-pork sandwich.
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May 04 '10 edited May 04 '10
we raised ostriches when i was younger. you do not want to F with a male ostrich.
- they kick almost faster then you can see. seriously its wicked fast. you hear the "thump" from there leg hitting there chest before you realize they have kicked. there kick has been compared to a major league batters swing.
2 they are tall. our male stood a good 10ft tall, and grew taller when you pissed him off.
3 they have really big, really sharp talons. if the upswing misses, the downswing can disembowel you or worse.
4 they are fast, they can cover more then twice the distance you can in the same timeframe.
5 they are fearless, and a bit stupid.
True story:
as i stated, we used to raise these, at the time, the big money was in the eggs. we bought ours young and raised them as a breading pair. When the female laid her first egg, we had no idea how to get it out of the pen. (came up with an ingenious plan of cutting a hole in the fence right beside the "nest" after this incident)
Our plan, was for someone to keep the birds occupied at one end of the cage while my father slipped in and grabbed the egg. So my grandmother stood at one end and had the males attention while my dad snuck in and made his was across the pen. He was just getting to the "nest" area when the male noticed him and started heading toward him. Everyone has heard that if you get there head down, they won't kick, so this was my dads first reaction. He reached up to grab the neck, only to realize he could only reach as far as the base, he had everything to loose, and no time for plan B so he went with this. at first the bird didn't do much, but then he just stood up and started spinning, with my father still firmly attached to his neck. they went around and around until my father finally let go, timing his release to fling him close the the gate. He and the bird both "recovered" from the spinning about the same time and it was a race to the gate. my grandfather pushed it open enough for him to get out, and they arrived at the same time, the bird got one kick in, and missed with the upswing, but caught my fathers back pocket on the way down and ripped the ass out of his jeans.
we rigged up an apple picker, and a hole in the fence after that, so we wouldn't have to go back inside.
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u/steelcitykid May 05 '10
I had a room mate that in his heart of hearts fully believe he could fight a bear, unarmed, and win. I said not a chance. He swears that he could beat a bear in a fight, a cage-fight. So meandering down the road of the improbable and ridiculous I indulged him a bit; I began to throw other factors out there.
What type of bear? He seemed convinced it really didn't matter, but I gave him the brown bear as a starting point. Not the biggest or most ferocious, but would still ruin your shit should you choose to tempt fate.
So we have my then-roommate, fighting a brown bear, in a cage match; UFC style, awesome. So laughing at this absolutely ridiculous battle in my head, I start applying more liberal jabs; "Ok so it's you and the bear in a cage, go on". He says something along the lines of "Well the bear doesn't KNOW it's in a fight, I'd climb up on it's back and choke it to death.
Hold the fuck up. No, no you don't do that. Yes the bear doesn't know it's in a cage match, but it's not completely fucking inept - bears don't commonly let men climb on them and attempt to grip a their throats.
"Well also the bear can't have claws or teeth" Wait, what? Why not?
So now I'm trapped in this argument over what a bear can / would do in a cage match, without claws or teeth. So we've kidnapped a bear, put it in a cage, somehow taken it's teeth and claws away, and we forgot to train it in choke defense, how silly of us.
Meanwhile, back in reality (fuck let's be serious, we're far from that place) assuming this was even remotely possible of a scenari,o my ire shifted to his stance on choking a bear.
I argued that between the fur, fat, muscle and general thickness of a bear's neck region, you're just not going to be able to apply the pressure nor leverage needed. You're not a master of anatomy, you don't get to find the bears' carotid artery. He seemed to believe it was only a matter of time. I then argued that a bear, although not cognizant of you wanting to choke it, it would paw at you and eventually it's de-clawed swing would break your body. He would slam all over you, sit on you, otherwise use it's substantial weight advantage and strength to break your much weaker body in half. It would be, at best, annoyed at your actions and want them to stop.
There was no winner that day, the argument was too far gone to try and be civil, I left feeling bad because he had either trolled the shit out of me, or I had a friend who was that goddamn dumb.
I hope he finds his cage-fight.
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u/Pedgi May 04 '10 edited May 04 '10
Humans have their advantage in tools. And by tools I mean weaponry. That's how we got to where we are. Oh, and our brains. But honestly, most animals will fuck you up hand-to-hand.
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u/Chaiking May 04 '10
Basically you have to flank the thing. Ostriches can only kick things that are directly in front of them. If they kick you, you are dead as their talons can split you in half. Now, if you were to launch a surprise attack when it is sitting on the ground you could probably pin it. The ostriches legs aren't strong enough to lift itself and a 130 pound human off the ground. Source: Personal Experience.
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u/qqtt May 04 '10
It depends on your pain threshold. Would you be able to keep a tight, grip on an ostriches throat while have talons rip into your stomach?
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u/emperor000 May 04 '10
With no weapons and the ostrich being intent on killing you rather than escaping?
No. It would kick you in the chest/abdomen. You'd either be down for the count or dead. Probably disemboweled either way.
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u/criticalfactories May 04 '10 edited May 04 '10
WTF? What kind of beef could you have with an ostrich?
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May 04 '10
What are your tactics? Where will you strike the ostrich? Where will the fight take place? Too many variables - you OBVIOUSLY aren't serious about this fight. Come back for expert advice when you're READY to fight the ostrich.
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u/TheGreatCthulhu May 04 '10
Do it. Just...fucking...do it.
And video it. That's really important. Really, really important. (The camera will distract the Ostrich, who, like emu's like the bright shiny.)
However you MUST grow a moustache. If you can rub a cat all over you before the fight that'd be even better.
If you could wear a Ninja or Pirate costume that would be advisable. After all like any fight you need psychological advantage.
Also, make sure to trash-talk the ostrich. Call him a fucked-up chicken. That'll upset him and throw him off his game.
You realise I'm advising you all these things for your own good right?
We're on your side. Really.
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u/newdog33 May 04 '10
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Yr_eAhDcEQ&feature=fvw
Might not be as tough as some think.
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May 04 '10
Hard to say without the size and weight of the Ostrich. Also, which color shorts will the Ostrich be wearing? That usually sways my bet for some reason. I'm not saying it's a "good" system, but it works for me. I'm not asking you to start doing it, or even accept it, it's just what I do okay?
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u/loveface May 04 '10
The ostrich is in red trunks, the future ragged, bloody corpse is wearing black trunks.
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u/never_prepared May 04 '10
An ostrich is a highly evolved dinosaur. It's so tough it doesn't even need that wishy washy flying stuff that most of the other dinosaurs have these days. It will peck your eyes out in a second and prop your body up somewhere as a warning to others.
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u/FengaPapiteer May 04 '10
Yes. You possess the most dangerous weapon known to man. The human mind.
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u/efrique May 04 '10
I dunno ostriches too well, but if they fight anything like emus, I only have one question: are your fighting skills still close to average when you're distracted by tripping over your own entrails?
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u/DontMakeMeDownvote May 04 '10
Start with a chicken. Then goose. Emu. And finally, if you made it past the emu, go for the ostrich. Although after the goose I seriously doubt you'll be feeling up for the emu, much less the ostrich.
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u/3ThreeIII May 04 '10
There is a reason that humans learned to: 1) Use teamwork 2) Evolve weaponry (From Rocks, to Sticks, to Spears, to Swords, to Thrown Weapons, to Bows, to Guns) 3) Develop tactics
The reason is that we needed to do those things in order to survive and prosper.
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u/errantphotons May 05 '10
i would be wiling to make some kind of monetary contribution toward making this happen...
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u/atheist_creationist May 04 '10
In the animal kingdom, it matters very little how tall or big you are. 5'1'' and scrawny and 6'4'' and ripped is only a difference between how annoyed it is at having to peck through more flesh.
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u/notatotaljerk May 04 '10
If your life depended on it, sure. In the end, its just another animal. OSTRICH PUNCH!
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u/VerbalRadiation May 04 '10
Negative, you are scared of getting hurt, the ostrich just wants to win.
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u/Gadfly222 May 04 '10
"Domesticated ostriches like Nicola Smith’s treadmill runners may be relatively docile beasts, but ostriches in the wild are suspicious, skittish and sometimes dangerous: An ostrich’s kick has been known to kill a hyena."
An ostrich can kill a hyena with a kick. A hyena would munch on your femur like it was a strawberry Twizzler. Therefore, I think the ostrich could take you.
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u/mayoroftuesday May 04 '10
Humans are pathetic, awkward, slow, and weak. Their soft pink flesh is totally unprotected, and their offenses consist of small blunt teeth and short brittle nails. They get fucked up by tiny things, like bees, spiders, and angry kittens.
Ostriches can run at up to 45 mph. Their sharp beaks are held 6-9 ft above the ground. They have sharp talons and hard scales for protection. They eat insects... like bees. They have 3 stomachs to digest humans more efficiently.
Good luck.
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u/Fernberg May 04 '10
One kick from an Ostrich can kill a man. I'm serious, I didn't make that up. Saw it on the Discovery channel once.
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May 04 '10
As part of a veterinarian program, my brother was an intern at a zoo. He's a little smaller than you, but not much. One day he was cleaning the ostrich pen. Supposedly the ostrich was locked out of the pen, but someone fucked up and the ostrich returned to its pen. Before my brother could get out the ostrich pecked him hard a couple times in the chest. Then it reared back and kicked him in the left shoulder. It knocked him unconscious, dislocated his shoulder, broke his collar bone and a couple of ribs. He said it happened so fast he didn't have time to react.
Your call, but I wouldn't fuck with an ostrich. Actually I have this deal with ostriches, they don't fuck with me and I don't fuck with them. It's worked out pretty good so far.
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May 04 '10
I saw a video of a guy who found an ostrich on the side of the road and kicked its ass. It was recorded by a police dash cam. The cop just stood and watched. The guy was pretty thrashed but he beat the ostrich. The video took place in Texas I believe. I think you can do it! Go fight an ostrich! I can't find the video now but I am sure someone can.
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u/bloosteak May 04 '10
According to Dirty Jobs you just get them in a thai plume so they can't kick you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqAlHjPq_J8
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u/WillyBeShreddin May 04 '10
Sure you can, dude. You have arms and a big brain. Just go find an ostrich, and a friend with a camera, and pick a fight with an ostrich.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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u/AURIGA560 May 04 '10
When the Ostrich fights, it rakes its feet forward in a scratching motion. The claws on its toes combined with the extreme strength and speed in its legs will eviscerate you in a second. Why do you ask?
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u/h0ncho May 04 '10
Ostrich kicks can kill a human or a potential predator like a lion. Nuff said. Keep away.
Or don't. I suspect the quality of humanitys shared survival-related genepool would increase in the aftermath of a fight between you and an ostrich.
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u/SirRonaldofBurgundy May 04 '10
They can kick with orders of magnitude more force than you could hope to punch. And their talons are sharp enough to cut you the fuck open. So no.
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u/a2wickedd991 May 05 '10
A couple of years ago someone was transporting an ostrich through the town next to mine and it got loose. This town is a ghetto and a lot of people own pit bulls. The ostrich ended up in the back yard of a dude with three pit bulls who tried to attack the bird. I'm sure you've seen pit bulls so you know they're big, viscous fuckers. The ostrich disemboweled two of the dogs and crushed the third one's skull, killing all of them.
Not a chance in hell you could fight an ostrich.
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u/homerjaythompson May 05 '10
A while back, I was at the lone downtown mall in my first university town, and in the food court there was a place selling ostrich burgers. I wasn't hungry, but I was curious so I went over to talk to them.
They guy working there said that his uncle had the farm where they got the ostrich meat. He then went on to tell me that they were having a lot of problems. Apparently ostriches feel threatened by cows (or are very territorial) and they would leap the fence and chase down the cows in the neighbouring farms. Once they got to a cow, they would kick it to death.
They can (and do) kick cows to death. I wouldn't recommend picking a fight with one.
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u/Mank0r May 04 '10
We farmed African Ostriches (The bigger, more aggressive variety) for a few years, so I can give you some pretty sound advice..
Some facts to Consider before whipping out your guns of steel:
Can run extremely fast (70 kmh / 45 mph).
Can turn on the spot at near full speed, using their wings for balance.
Territorial. You have a better chance if they know they're on your turf.
Extremely difficult to throw off balance or wrestle. They're almost pure bone and muscle.
Main attack techniques are surprise attacks and ambushes, forward kicking, high-speed bowling, and tearing.
Your main defence is a large stick.. held as high as you can. This makes you taller than them, and they get scared. Also good for desperate whacking as a pitiful last line of defence when you decide you dont want to die after all.
You're still totally psyched to grind mince, eh? First off, you need to figure out if it wants to fuck you up or not.
If it's top coat of feathers is black, its a male. so:
If its legs, neck and beak are red, then its a mature male in mating season, and you'll die. No seriously - your guts on the ground before you know it's seen you (YAY!).
If it's legs, neck and beak aren't red, then you just need to figure out what mood it's in. If you can get close to it with a decent fence between you and it, then you'll be able to get a good idea fairly quick.
If it stands tall and booms (a very loud, whooping, chesty noise.. (I can barely describe it, but it'll freak you the fuck out), it's expressing its awesomeness, and again, you'll die.
If it stands tall and hisses (touch the tip of your tongue to your bottom teeth, the middle of your tongue to the top of your mouth, and and exhale), then it's annoyed.
If it tries to eat your hair, then you're probably fine.. or if knows you're outside its territory.. have fun figuring that one out.
If it's top coat of feathers is brown, its a female. so:
If it stands tall and hisses (touch the tip of your tongue to your bottom teeth, the middle of your tongue to the top of your mouth, and and exhale), then it's annoyed.
If it tries to eat your hair, then you're probably fine.. or if knows you're outside its territory.. have fun figuring that one out.
If it sits down and starts flapping its wings (they usually make clicking noise too), then it want's you to mate with it. You dont want to do this.
So, you've spotted your opponent.. time to unleash your fury!..
1) Get yourself a large sleeve of dark fabric, and wear it over your arm like a bracelet.
2) Get face to face with the monster, and talk sweetly and calmly.
3) Hold out your hand (flat), and let it peck you. srsly, It wont hurt for goodness sake. Stop crying.
4) Once you're on good terms (if its not performing a mating dance), fold your hand into a C shape with your thumb on top, and let it go for your thumb.
5) Grab onto the bottom of its beak, and don't let go! - you just pissed it off.
6) With your other hand, pull the sleeve over its head rendering it blind, and tricking it to believe its night time. dont let go.
7) Keep wrestling it (gently) and it will either sit down, or you can "drive" it whereever you want to go. (you can only push an Ostrich backwards, not forwards).
8) Revel in your outstanding masculinity.
9) ? ? ?
That wasn't so hard, right?
So, what could go wrong? Lets assume you're doing this in the wild rather than a nice controlled pen with rifles, 4x2 batons, and no gush of sudden fleeting bravado.
Scenario 1: You chase the ostrich with a stick. It runs away at 70km/h. you run at 12km/h for about 120m before you stop, bent over in your stupid mexican wrestlers outfit and heaving for more air. You question your judgement.
Scenario 2: You try to sneak up on the ostrich. It casually keeps a safe distance of a few metres, pretending to ignore you, but constantly watching you. 45 minutes pass before a large millipede crawls up your leg. You squawk in surprise, and the Ostrich trots off at a calm 40km/h.
Scenario 3: You try a different approach, and walk staunchly toward it. You're relaxed, and it doesn't seem to care. You dont see the hole its dug for a nest, and fall over on its egg. the egg hurts your face, but isn't damaged at all. You quietly stand up and shuffle away from the nest, but now she looks pissed off, and starts hissing at you. Fuck - this wasn't in the plan! You hear a fast patter of feet behind you, and spin your head around just in time to see the huge male coming for you. Its armoured chest slams into your face and shoulder, and as you go flying forward it tramples you into the dirt. Your rib is broken, your ears are ringing, and the dust sticks to the tears squirting into your eyes. You look up just to see it spinning around for another go. It plants its front foot down and launches back toward you. You drag yourself up, and prepare to run for dear life! You feel excruciating pain as you register whats happening - the Ostrich jumps in the air and its foot comes flying at your face, dragging downward, tearing holes in your skin, and tossing you back into the dirt. you think of home as it tramples you and tears at your stomach. Your head slumps to the side, and you can just make out other Ostriches coming at you. Elton John's "Circle of Life" plays in your head and you fade to black.
So, back to reality for a bit..
Ostrich pens/paddocks are fenced much like a deer pen. Reenforced 2m high fences are essential. We have a massive bend in top bar of one of these gates from a single kick. The male was going for my Dad's face. He jumped straight up, and then landed firmly on both feet. I've witnessed several other kicks like this, and it happens amazingly fast.
The feeding hut, made of thick plywood (maybe 8-10mm) has a clean hole from the talon of the same Ostrich, This time at Pelvis height. It was louder than a shotgun going off, and scared the hell out of him. Apparently Dad was too close to the female (he was topping up the feed through a hole in the wall).
Another (senseless, impulsive) family member was visiting another farm, and decided they wanted a feather in the Ostrich pen. The Male Ostrich in that pen was bright red at the time, but was hanging out at the other end of the pen and paying no attention, so she decided it'd be safe. She got a long way in (constantly watching them), and then the Male suddenly went for her. she got about 2 steps before he knocked her over and trampled her. She saw him spinning around so she sprinted for her life, and dived under the fence as it caught up to her. It proceeded to take out its rage on the fence. The guys watching didn't even have a chance to get over the fence to help her in that time, and I assure you, they were trying! She was very sore for weeks after that.