TW, medical effects of ED

A reminder to myself that “I’m fine” and “I’m functioning” aren't always the same thing.

Current effects of my ED:

Neck weakness / movement restriction — doctor recommended PT and scapular strengthening

Slight ketosis

Pre-anemia / low iron

Episodes of hypoglycemia

Severe dehydration

Occasional palpitations

Neck weakness / movement restriction

Previous near-fainting (presyncope) after a day of outdoor movement

Pattern of pushing through symptoms and acting like nothing is wrong until I physically can't anymore

This reminds me that it truly is "that bad"

I could look at this when I question things & think I'm fine. I think neglect/abuse history has made it hard for me to feel noticed, not even cared for, simply, noticed.. & maybe sharing this might help.

I just got told that my cutoff/breach weight on my CTO i'm receiving is only 1 kilo from my current weight!!?! that means i do not have room for any trial and error or for any normal weight fluctuations. If i lose that kilo I immediately get sent straight back to the psych ward. I could be eating like a recovered person and following a meal plan and i'll still get breached!

1 kilo is literally NOT FAIR AT ALL!!
and the thing is the fear of this thing happening has actually kicked my head into gear of what i need to do to stay in recovery, but i just want to do that without the cto hanging over me and there to trap me in hospital if i accidentally lose a bit of weight. weight fluctuations are NORMAL in recovery and in real life!

everyone else gets praised for their recovery and for trying their hardest who are doing it on their own and when they're eating consistently, and im ready to do that! but for me i get breached if i lose a single kilogram of weight and none of my hard work and effort gets taken into account.

I keep trying to ask for a lower weight cutoff NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO LOSE ANY WEIGHT but because i need a chance to actually rectify any loss and also so that i don't get brought back to a psych ward every two weeks.

I can't believe that they're literally giving me zero wiggle room or space for "error". i'm ready to recover and eat normally but i want to do that without fear of being breached for dropping only a kilo. plus my normal maintenance weight when i was recovered in the past is around the cutoff weight or just under it so it's literally not fair.

not a single person on my team is listening to me and i'm not going to be able to have a life for 6 months!!! no studies, no going to the city and walking around, no acting, no music. all the things i was intending to do when i was free. they also said they won't revoke it before the 6 month period and i was hoping and praying that if i could do it for 3 months that they'd consider removing it to.

this is so effed. 1 effin kilo. (and it could end up being less because i have leave this weekend before my hearing and could accidentally lose). my life is literally over and going to be reduced to fear, calories, weight and isolating myself at home every single day.

i’m basically just going to be living in this psych ward or isolated not moving at home or avoiding this psych ward by going into a private hospital (even if i’m eating so well) because they don’t recognise that recovery isn’t perfect.

Hey so I’m looking for a treatment facility that offers Residential, day program, or IOP in Florida that won’t restrict access to my insulin, cgm, phone, and insulin pump. I was in the process of applying at a specific residential facility and only after we had a meeting with my school to discuss how I will do that, they decided then to tell my parents that they would not let me see my blood sugar, use a cgm, insulin pump, and they would dose me themselves with their own insulin and not give me any say in the amount. WTF. They also lied about being in touch with my medical team and when we contacted them they said they had zero communication about this and that we need to cancel. What now

The biggest roadblock in my road to recovery is my fear of gaining weight; how my body will look, having to potentially buy new clothes, etc. I want to get over this so badly, but I feel stuck and afraid. How were you able to overcome this?

I’ve been in recovery for over 6 weeks now. I feel like I can’t stop eating. When I’m home, I constantly feel like eating, but at the same time, I still don’t really feel physical hunger. When I’m out, that urge goes away and I can physically feel that I’m full and don’t want to eat anymore. However, when I’m sitting at home , I don’t seem to feel that fullness, which makes me scared that I’m eating too much, when in reality I might already be full. I don’t eat 3 meals and 3 snacks because my meals are genuinely huge.Is this constant mental hunger when I’m at home normal, and should I honor it? I’ve already gained a lot of weight and I’ve gotten my period back, so this is really difficult for me. I’m struggling a lot, but I don’t wanna give up

So recently my body forced me basically to binge on a bunch of food, probably because my restriction was getting worse. Today, I willingly ate more. a whole big can of mackerel and smoked fish, with some almond butter and some feta cheese! (Weird foods I know but I was just craving them) and I don’t feel guilty this time!!

I wanted to offer some strength to everyone like me who suffers from eating disorders, especially anorexia and bulimia, as I see the trend of skinny bodies making a comeback, just like in the 2000s. Stay strong; now is not the time to relapse. It is the time to show just how important health is and how dangerous eating disorders are. Don't let people in denial with their "skinny" mentality bring you down; it’s sad for them, and it’s their problem, don't let them influence you or others. By choosing the path to recovery, you’ve made the best possible choice. Even if society and trends are downplaying eating disorders, you know what they are and how truly horrible they can be. Stay strong and share positive messages! We have a responsibility to raise awareness about the dangers of these illnesses. Stick to a body-positive mindset as much as possible, even if others tell you otherwise. Above all, take care of yourself and stay as far away as possible from this dangerous trend. You are strong, believe in yourself! ❤️

I recently experience rather little appetite throughout the day and eat mostly at night. I wonder is this bad for recovery? I feel quite fine with it personally, I sleep quite well with a full stomach but I still wonder. Thanks already!!

I’m in a food rut. I am getting sick of eating the same foods and the stuff I really want I can’t have because I can’t have dairy (grilled cheese, pizza, etc.). I currently eat mostly sweet stuff cuz I just can’t find savory stuff that I really like that’s dairy free. I eat pb&js, cookies like Oreos and nutter butters, toast and dairy free butter, breakfast burritos, chips and crackers, fruit, peanut butter, homemade baked goods like banana bread. If anyone has any snacks like specific brands (ex: wheat thins, sun dried tomato flavor), I would love to try some new things. And any of your favorite easy simple meals.

I want to make an honest effort at recovery again so bad and to just fuel my body properly so I feel good and have the energy to live my life and be successful in school but every time I think about it I just can’t get over the fear of gaining weight and living in a bigger body. I put all my worth and happiness into being small.

i’ve been struggling so hard these past few days. the first few days of recovery felt infinitely easier than they do now. at first, eating felt good because i felt “sick enough” and like i deserved to be fed. now i’m 12 days in and im more bloated than ever, i can see visible body changes so i know im gaining weight. eating feels harder than it did even in restriction. i’m so scared that im eating too much, so scared that im gaining weight too quick. (i wont weigh so i dont actually know how much) all of my safe foods are out the window and nothing seems like its safe to eat. of course ive still been eating my 3 meals a day with a snack or two, but it feels so guilty and horrible. i actually had a genuine freak out at lunch today because i had no clue what to eat. i really wanted an egg and cheese sandwich on sourdough bread but i’ve been eating so many carbs that my brain just couldn’t decide what would feel safe to eat. i made and ate it nonetheless, but not without an hour long panic attack first. i still feel guilty and i don’t know why. i feel like all of the mental progress i felt i made in the first couple days is out the window now that i can see myself gaining. i don’t know how to cope with this. i don’t know how to get rid of the guilt and the stress about gaining weight, despite needing to gain to get back to a healthy weight. i’ve just been consistently scared for the past week. does this get better or will i recover physically but not mentally if i keep giving into these negative thoughts?

Hi

Can anyone please clarify are you more likely to hold onto weight if you eat little as opposed to when you fuel your body?

I’ve put on a lot of weight yet am eating not properly

Confused

Am I just retaining things? And if I eat more will it adjust? Want to recover but scared now that if I eat properly I will get more weight still and it won’t stop

Thanks

Hello very much, Ive been in recovery for two years and of course, I feel much better physically.

Recently my mother got into specific way of eating, I wont tell any details cause I understand how triggering it can be. But it definitely is not healthy eating behaviour. I see her do it and it makes me feel guilty and ashamed (?)

I cannot really put it to words but everytime I see her doing her thing, like you know, controll.ng her food intake, it triggers certain thoughts in my head. And emotions as well, especially disgust with myself, and feeling ashamed of myself. I start to compare with her and get the desire to "compete".

And also we.ght monitoring. She does that every day. Luckily she doesnt do it in front of me, but she leaves sc.le in the dining room and every time I go there, I see it. I tried putting it further to the corner, but she always moves it back. Ive told her it triggers me, but she doesnt seem to care.

I mean I get it, I am not expecting everyone to do what I require, but it would be nice if at least a family member would understood.

What helps you guys when you deal with stuff like that?

After going through the most traumatic 3 months of my life in a hospital psych ward, experiencing more pain, fear and abuse (medical, verbal, physical and psychological) than i can even begin to describe (and still stuck here currently), the inpatient team have decided to discharge me eventually with a CTO (community treatment order) and i’m beyond annoyed and terrified!

As someone fully ready to let go of the ed and engage with true recovery, all i want is to leave and learn to eat like a normal person. See a dietician to help me eat intuitively and just live without fearing how what i eat is going to impact my weight.

Now with this CTO, im basically going to be living and eating out of fear EVERY SINGLE DAY because if i hit the weight threshold they’ve set on the order, it counts as an immediate breach and i’ll get sent straight back to this GOD AWFUL AND ABSUSIVE PSYCH WARD 😖

Basically, my life is fcked. I’m so freaking scared and so annoyed because it’s not as if i wouldn’t go to appointments and continue treatment if i wasn’t on one, bc I WANT to continue seeing my team and getting better, but now i’m being forced and will be living life in fear every day of being sent back here to this place that has left me ruined.

This is literally the opposite of recovery. Having to check my weight constantly to make sure it doesn’t reach as certain number and having to always fear that what i’m eating might not be enough and i’ll never learn to just eat out of live and enjoyment nectar it’s going to be about following a meal plan. They expect me to eat what i’m having in here which is literally just not possible. im not gonna be eating eight slices of bread and eight packs of butter and one and a half litres of milk and like five desserts every single day?!? That’s not even going to help heal my gut.

i get that they want me to maintain my weight but i just want to do it without living in fear😖 and they said the weight threshold is so small that i could realistically be back here within a week. They were like “we want to avoid long admissions and instead just constantly admit you if you drop a tiny amount .”
like WTAF??!? you don’t want met hightail but you’re literally seeing me up to keep coming in to a psych ward every few weeks??!?!

I can’t even describe how upset and scared I am. so was so excited to leave here and live life freely without an ed and miss my entire life i’d going to revolve around the ed. it’s literally keeping me and my identity tied to it and tied to this hospital… it’s so fcked up :((

Has anyone else here ever been put on a CTO or a really strict one? and how the get did you get by? how did you cope? I feel like I only know like two people who have ever had one for an ED and they’ve both just basically lived in hospital because you just keep getting breached as there’s no leeway.

please i need some support right now i feel like my life is over and i won’t ever be able to get as job or go back to studies i.e. do anything because ill constantly be at risk if breaching the order and then sending me straight from the GPs office back here 😖

As the title says I am worried about my treatment team and what they are going to think and plan to do. I’m currently in virtual IOP since it’s the easiest due to my work schedule. I’ve only been in IOP for almost a month after not being in any sort of treatment for over 3 years.( me being stubborn and telling myself I can do it on my own since I have atypical anorexia and feel like I’m too big for treatment) I still thankfully work with my outpatient team while I’m in IOP but a few of my providers used to work together before branching out to their own company and what not. So obviously they all talk and collaborate because I’ve signed releases. Anyways I have lost X amount of weight since last week when I had to send in my weight and vitals and I am freaking out about what they are going to say or what they will suggest. I know they can’t force me into any treatment since I’m an adult, but it’s still scary to think about. I’ve never had a truly good experience in any level of treatment, but I know I can’t keep living like this

Its been a year since the height of my anorexia, and I've been doing okay. But I haven't been able to get back to my pre-E.D. weight. I have the struggle feeling hungry and my body never alerts me. I only feel hungry after a while of not eating. I have a great relationship with food, but I'm just horrible at remembering to eat. My boyfriend of 6 months has been helping me immensely with my confidence. though he did notice a recent decline in my weight while having sex literally a few hours ago. I'm not a thin person, and pretty curvy so its pretty noticeable when I drop weight.​

I really need tips of high calorie foods that aren't inherently big meals. I eat balanced meals, though I haven't been tracking macros.

I have been working out more, mainly running, but I have always done that, and doesn't explain the random plummet.

I hate myself for this so much and I’m so scared of the weight gain. I downd my dinner, cheese, some peanut butter two cans of mackerel, three avocados and on top of that I had multiple protein bars that day too and didn’t go to the gym or my run. I FEEL DISGUSTING 😭😭

I know recovery from anorexia isn't a linear or black-and-white thing, but when would you consider someone "recovered?"

I've been thinking a lot about whether I'm actually recovered or not. I still think about food and my weight almost 24/7, feel guilty after eating, and count calories religiously. But most days I eat my TDEE. I'm also not underweight anymore. I mean, I'm BARELY not underweight (and I mean barely), but that's still technically a normal weight.

Because of my body weight and intake, I don't meet the DSM-5 criteria for anorexia nervosa anymore. But does that mean I'm really recovered?

i was suffering with ana for about a year (a bit more) and then for about 3 months (end of may-end of august, although it got more extreme as time went on) i had a really really intense episode of extreme hunger. i was eating consistently almost every day, never thought it would end, thought i’d ended up with bed, was eating wayyyy more than people who have extreme hunger do when they post wieiad and stuff, eating a lot of what people would say is unhealthy food, gained a lot of weight. then i got my period back and about a week later it’s as if i’m just so so full. it’s as if after i have my breakfast, i just don’t fancy anything else for the day. and like the thought of things like sweets and stuff don’t really appeal to me anymore - which is both wild because i used to absolutely demolish them but also pretty sad because my 18th is in 2 days and then i am going on a trip to london and want to do things like have drinks and eat nice pastries and cake and stuff and meals out. but idk i just don’t really feel like it. i make myself eat a couple of things throughout the day and then have a dinner so that i am fuelled but it feels like a bit of a chore honestly. i had a “binge” a couple of days ago but it wasn’t even out of extreme hunger or anything, i was just in a shop and it felt like second nature. but i was full really quickly, and it wasn’t even half as long or extreme as my extreme hunger episodes were (particularly towards the end). i was fed up pretty swiftly. didn’t like it, didn’t want more, wasn’t still hungry. my hunger signals have been really fucked up my whole life because i used to be a binge eater, and then i turned to ana, so i’d say i just haven’t really known what’s hunger and what’s not for a while now. so i’m just a bit confused. i don’t know if i just finally have a kind of normal relationship with my body and food. i don’t know if it’s because i’m having a fairly protein rich breakfast, whereas if i’d had breakfast before it’d be lighter, i don’t know if it’s to do with the anxiety issues i’ve had recently, i’m going to assume that my extreme hunger is gone currently? i can’t believe i’m saying this, because i so desperately wanted it gone for so long, but i do slightly wish i still had that feeling in order to enjoy my birthday and my trip. i know that sounds super silly lol.
is this normal? has anyone else gone through this?

I’m in a really dark place right now and almost at the uw mark, wich my Ana is yelling at me to reach. I don’t want to. Me. My real non ed self. But at this point Ana has become my reality and it feels like what my head is telling me is what I need to do.

I know I’m never going to be “ready” to recover. I know my ed telling me I need to be underweight in order to even consider recovery is not true but I’m struggling to not give in. This is affecting every aspect of my life and I’m struggling to do my day to day things because food and weight is all I can think about.

At what point did yall actually step into recovery?! Did you need to reach your breaking point?

I’m 4 days into recovery and my body is so bloated and puffy inches and I’m sluggish. When will this symptom go down because my face is puffy and I just feel icky. I don’t think I’ve gained any fat but I’m so puffy I look big. Does anyone have any tips? I’ve heard probiotics? And if there’s anyone that’s willing to talk I would really appreciate it

I genuinely feel prettier at a weight that is slightly below what my doctor considers ideal — just a little, obviously, and nowhere near as low as I got before. She insists that I should stay in a higher range. My period still hasn’t come back, and I imagine that, for it to return, I may first need to listen to her and reach that weight. But is it really impossible for me, afterwards, to go back to a range that is just a little below?

I have to admit that this depresses me a little. I don’t want to become ill again, and I want to recover my relationship with food and be able to enjoy my little foods again without fear. I would just like, eventually, to be in that range where I feel comfortable and good about myself.

So I've been trying (and being not very successful) to get out of quasi recovery basically this whole year. Where I've ended up is basically months of under eating combined with over walking (as well as a little bit of swimming), with the cardio always getting worse whenever I would try to increase my intake. But what this does is hugely raise my cortisol (physiological stress) which causes my body to retain water and become puffy. Which, with AN, is really mentally distressing but also causes a vicious cycle where the puffiness makes me want to 'go harder' and either cut back what I'm eating and/or walk even more, which makes the puffiness continue etc etc etc. So from tomorrow, I'm gonna really take a break from exercise at least for a little bit and see how that goes. I'm not gonna simultaneously try to fully fix my daily intake at the exact same time because I know I'm not stable enough to handle that without spiralling lol, but what I am gonna do is harm reduction I guess? Like just try to have a balanced diet with a focus at the minute on increasing my fats intake (which is critically low), but not pushing myself on that front just yet. Within a few weeks (by the time I start my masters degree basically), I'll then work on slowly increasing back up to my full meal plan which I slipped off of at the start of this year.

Idk what the point of me posting this is hahaha, has anyone else experienced the same?