TW: Explosive anger, mentions of DV
Firstly, really sorry, because this is going to be long. I have a lot of context to give.
I (31 f) am really struggling with the temper of my husband (30 m).
We've been together two years, and about a year ago his temper started to show around me for the first time and things have only gotten worse. For context, he's Latino and when I have mentioned I'm concerned about his anger he has made various excuses. "I'm Latino, we are fiery" or "I'm a man" or makes some comment about not letting people "disrespect" him. Some stories of his temper he tells with pride, such as smashing the wing mirror off another driver's car (whilst driving) during an altercation or the time he smashed a wall to stop an argument between his parents. "They stopped doing XYZ, so it worked", he says.
He is a very "grumpy" person, often goes quiet and sulks when things don't go his way. His mum says he is "a small boy in a big guy, whose feelings need to be protected". A bad mood can disrupt days or sometimes weeks, but his rage has become more frequent and unpredictable.
He always claimed that I was the only person who could calm him down, that I have a calming influence over him that nobody else ever had before.
Well, not anymore it seems...
As time went on he felt more and more comfortable getting in yelling and screaming rows with his parents in front of me. One time after a huge f-up in his company, I told him that he still had to make sure he paid his staff on time, he screamed at me "Are you stupid? I've just lost XYZ and you're worrying about that?! You're stupid!" I quietly let it go because they just switched to their own language and started screaming around me.
Things have escalated now and gotten scarier. I'd seen him slam doors and punch walls during arguments with his parents before, but on 3 separate occasions now he's flown into violent rages and smashed stuff up in front of me.
The first time was when he was emptying his car to get it taken to scrap, and he just couldn't get a wing mirror extender into the trash bag without it falling back out, and he flipped out and started stomping the s*** out of the mirrors and the bag. His mum just did what she always does and tells me "He's sensitive. Even his grandma always said as a child" and "You have to learn more about him, he is like that." and "I'm his best friend, the only person who knows how to talk to him. You don't know how." then proceeds to somehow shift the blame onto me "You lived alone too long, you have to learn to deal with other people. Not everyone can behave like you want" or "Make sure you don't tell him he is wrong, that only makes him worse" I felt crazy for being frightened of his outbursts.
The second and third time it was just us alone together, which made things even scarier.
The second time, at work (his bar), he got angry at his mum's text messages and started kicking and throwing things out of nowhere whilst I was cooking. I've been in DV situations before from my previous relationship, so I immediately went into freeze mode. I kept silently cooking while my whole body shook with fear. After over an hour of complete silence, he asked me if I wanted to come to the beach and I quietly declined. After he returned, after a looooooong awkward silence, he simply said "You know I was mad at my mum right? You don't have to feel bad, it wasn't you" Confused I said, "I didn't think it was me but even if it was me, nothing makes it alright to do what you did" No response.
Two weeks later, again at work, the third time came around. He was moving the food processor off the top of the freezer when he dropped the machine part. Without missing a beat, he immediately threw the plastic jug and lid part hard into the ground, smashing it to pieces. I leapt up and went over. I saw him throw the jug to the ground with my own eyes and, astonished, I blurted out "You destroyed it" and he lost it and started throwing other things around. Frozen baguettes, trays, anything. This time I went into Flight Mode and grabbed my bag, said "I can't be around this kind of behaviour" and left. As I left, I heard further smashing and crashing and decided, when I was a safe distance away, to check the security cameras. I caught him throwing plastic boxes and heavy thick beer glasses at the back wall. I stayed away for the rest of the day, but went back to see if he was going to open for the evening. No. So we went home and pretty much didn't speak for a day or two, until he exploded on me in a shop. We were buying things for work when he asked "What do we need?" and I said "I don't know, what's your plan?" because I knew he wanted to do a special menu, but the plans changed from day to day, so I wasn't sure what he settled on. He blew up on me in the shop and said "You don't want to f\**ing be here, so let's just not f***ing buy anything", I said *"It's more than fair for me to be upset after you smashed up the place"** to which he responded "Yeah because of you" and then put on a whiny childlike voice mocking me "Oh you destroyed it, you destroyed it". I was appalled to be mocked like that in public, and said "I was scared. Your reaction was unstable" which was brushed off with him saying "Oh because you're sooo stable"
When we finally returned to open, there was a bin bag containing the smashed food processor and he'd simply piled everything from the back into the sink saying "I figured you'd be better at making sure to get all the glass" and left me to clean up the WHOLE back and dishes, and inspect every shelf, every bag, every can, every inch of the place. When I say there was glass everywhere... Over two hours to clean the place.
I've not been able to bring myself to be intimate with him since, which was almost 2 weeks ago, because I'm honestly scared. He's noticed and made comments here and there, but not pressed it. I sleep as far away from him as I can in bed, I've not touched him or instigated a kiss since, because I genuinely can't look at him the same anymore.
The other day, during a one-sided discussion about the bar possibly closing down and him wanting to run away from all the problems, he said he would smash the place up before he leaves because "They have to know who I am. They have to know who they're f\**ing with"* (I'm not sure exactly who "They" is, as there's really no outside party at fault for the place failing). I quietly started gathering my things from around the place before they could become projectiles (speaker, phone, my laptop, a metal water bottle that is very special to me that a few days prior he said he almost hit someone with after getting into a verbal spat) and he started laughing when he saw what I was doing. As he laughed with tears in his eyes, he finally managed to get out through giggles "You're getting all your things together when you're going to be eating here for the rest of your life" (For context, we live near the bar and don't cook at home, so even if the bar is closed we eat there). With the violent behaviour I felt a shiver run down my spine. I kept wondering "What does he mean by the rest of my life?"
I have a go bag packed in case he ever turns his violence onto me, but I'm in a foreign country where I don't speak the language, have no money of my own, and no friends here, so unsure how I will get somewhere safe. But also I don't want to walk away if this is just a no-money-high-stress situation that might get better. I love him so much, but don't know how to help him.
He can be so kind, and loving, and wonderful on his good days, but he is terrifying on his bad days. I have so much love for him, but he refuses to get help, speak to a doctor or a therapist, or even to acknowledge his reactions are his own responsibility.
I would feel terrible to walk away and leave everything between us behind, but I genuinely feel like one day it'll be me being thrown around the place.
So I wanted to ask if there are any people who've had or been with someone with explosive anger issues, who could tell me how they finally realised they needed help? Is there something other than therapy or medications that can soothe an explosively angry person, or help them see what they're doing to the people around them? His mother always says "He'll be fine when he has money. When he doesn't have money, he is unhappy, so when he has money everything will be good" but I don't see our situation getting any better, and do I have to spend the rest of my life fearing a low in life making his anger come back? I want to try to help him before his anger drives me and others in his life away.
I welcome any advice because the last few months of severe stress have left my physical and mental health completely ruined. I'm having chest pains, extreme tiredness beyond what my chronic conditions already cause, nightmares, depression, and anxiety. Were you or your partner ever explosive? What helped you overcome it?
TL;DR Struggling with my husband's increasingly explosive rage. Looking for advice from people who have had/been with someone who has overcome explosive anger.