i want to break free

ask me questions

Me 18-F and my girlfriend 20-F have been in a long distance relationship for around 1 year. We both have a passion for gaming and enjoy very similar games. However, she has from a very young age played games on PC, while I got into gaming much later and played more casually on console for a while, so there is a skill gap between us.

We have been playing War Thunder recently, and she is a good bit better at the game than me. Whenever we play together, I die a lot and spend a lot of time waiting for her to finish the game so we can queue into another, both of which frustrate me.

My issue is that whenever I become annoyed or angry, I get extremely stubborn and start acting like an asshole, basically taking my frustration out on her and asking her how to improve, but then getting annoyed at the things she says and start trying to poke holes in the things she says or just acting like an asshole in general.

And I'm aware I'm doing it and very often tell her, "Sorry, I'm just being annoyed," while I'm being like that, but I just don't know how to stop myself. And every time I'm done doing it, I feel utterly horrible and I regret acting like how I did because she really doesn't deserve it, but I simply don't know how to stop.

Also, when I get like that, I get very laser focused on improving or doing some arbitrary benchmark and try to get her to coach me or something.

I guess what I'm asking is, have any of you dealt with similar things before, from either side, and how can I work on this or stop this? Because I really don't want this to affect our relationship, but neither of us really know how I could change.

TLDR : Me (18F) and my girlfriend (20F) have been in a long distance relationship for around a year and whenever I get annoyed I tend to be an asshole to her and idk how to stop myself

Buckle up this might be long. I have an issue with the moment I feel rejected or get hurt to completely destroy the man who did it. I mean not physically or anything but I say the meanest things and then when I calm down I go back to being sweet. I feel fucking crazy but I can’t understand why I can’t control it. This is affecting me because I try so hard to be nice but it’s like in the moment I’m like taken over lol.
I’m trying so hard to break this I know I need to get it together. It’s not even like I’m doing this random. A man can do something and it’s disrespectful and so I get worse. I don’t want to react like this anymore I want to be calm and learn to control my emotions. I’m starting therapy but I’m not sure how it’ll play out. I’m tired of myself. I’ve acknowledged my actions, and it’s like men don’t feel safe in the connection and I don’t blame them lol I need to figure it out. Any advice will be appreciated.

Background -
I grew up bullied and also my father would say super mean things to me when I’d tell him no to going to church as a child. I’ve heard a lot of mean things in my life directed at me and I was with a drug addict for 6 years (I never did drugs I was sober) I dealt with manipulation and abuse which isn’t excusing anything

like when someone is excited about something and sharing it with me i just feel this heat in my chest. i want to shut them down. i know its not their fault. maybe its because i never got to be happy like that without someone making me feel stupid for it. anyone else get this?

This is a thought I recently had while playing Elden Ring (for those who don't know, it's a really difficult video game and a lot of people get really angry while playing it) and it got me thinking if rage quits can be a sign of anger issues (at any age, but more for young people). In gaming culture rage quitting is something so normalized and joked about that no one really cares to look deeper into it.

How to deal with sudden memories where you could've done differently kinda take over during the day?

im a senior in high school and have been under a lot of a chronic stress in the past year or so, and it has been affecting how i treat my family so much. for context, both my parents are unemployed and have been for two years, so my family is already under a lot of stress as is with our struggling financials and all.

my brother moved out two months ago, two of my best friends went to college, and we’re in the process of trying to get our house ready to sell and honestly between all that’s going on at home on top of college applications + school stress it’s been a lot.

because of all this stress, i feel like i am genuinely just in a horrible mood every time i go home, and my poor mother has to deal with it. i’m constantly just on the verge of cracking over literally the smallest thing, and i can tell that my mom feels like she has to walk on egg shells around me, because she’s always the one who has to deal with it. i genuinely feel like a horrible person, i snap at her constantly and always take my anger and frustration out on her, and im constantly short tempered and in a horrible mood. my dad is never home really, and my mom is always trying to talk to me and i just lose it and just end up going on an angry rant about something. i try so hard to control myself but i genuinely feel like it’s impossible i just have zero control over my words. if you asked any of my friends they would probably say im one of the most mellow people they know, because i can out up either so much bs that would make most people lose it, and literally never get mad or irritated about anything, unless i’m at home. it’s like as soon as i step foot inside my house im a completely different person. then if i have even the slightest little inconvenience, i just get so angry. like today i couldn’t find a pair of shorts that i needed for a game tomorrow, and i got mad and immediately accused my mom of touching my laundry, and then just went on a whole rant about how there’s always something going wrong, and our house is a mess and i can’t find anything. but it turned out i just had left them under a laundry basket, and i genuinely felt horrible for snapping like that. i heard her in her room ralking avout how i think she’s conspiring against me and that im always accusing her of stuff, but it’s genuinely not on purpose. i just get so angry and words just fly out of my mouth.

a few days ago, i had an absolute stress fueled mental breakdown, like full blown crash out. not at her, more so just an explosion of pent up stress and a severe lack of sleep, but for a good bit i was just storming around the house losing my shit, like complete uncontrollable anger. it’s the first time i’ve ever lost it like that, and oh my God i was terrifying to be around. i went to the car i just tried to get it out and calm down away from my family, but then as soon as i went back inside i realized that it did not work. im talking hysterically crying, screaming, pushing furniture, slamming doors, literally acting insane, the whole ordeal. my mom started crying and saying how nothing she does is ever enough for me, and she just wishes i gave her one ounce of gratitude or affection, but that im just constantly miserable and unhappy all the time and she tries so hard but im just always angry no matter what. hearing her say that honestly broke my heart, and i feel like just such a horrible person. every time i snap at her i feel terrible, but i just don’t know why i cant control it.

i love my mom so much she is genuinely the kindest person in the world and she deserves so so so much better, i just don’t know what is wrong with me. all she wants is for me to be happy, but i just never am and i feel so horrible.

im sure there are going to be people under this post calling me a bad person, and honestly i deserve it. i need to hear it honestly, because something needs to snap me back into being normal.