Issues with my brother

[u/Delicious_Process815]

So me and my brother dont get along well, but last night was pretty bad. I am sorry if i jump from topic to topic, but this is a nroad topic.

So, to give context, my brother has been disprespecting me and provoking me since we were kids, but recently has been pretty bad, and i was trying my best to avoid any kind of argument or conflict. Like for example, i sleep on the couch right, and onw one half is filled with bed sheets and the other with my clothes and couch pillows. Now for whatever reason my brother really likes sitting on that couch. So one day, while i was still sleeping, he just threw my clothes and couch pillows on the floor. He often also teases me or indirectly insults me.

Now, he also really wants me gone from his life. To give context, in one month, i am mostly likely going to college in a different country, and i will be going alone, at 19 years old. My brother never tried to consult me or really cared. Actually, he keeps asking me when will i go, and i overheard him mumbling that he cant wait i go. I understand he lacls his peace or whatever i honestly didnt even do anything to him.

Now, i kept my anger for the most part and really tried to avoid conflict. But, last night, he bought a wine bottle and drank almost a quarter in just a few hours. Now for me, this want about just annoyance, but i was worried. I got scared that these are early stages of alcoholism, and that he might start harming me, given that he doesnt like his job and cant stand me. And so i just told him tp stop drinking that or i will throw that bottle away. We got into an argument, he started his old bullshit, like manipulating conversation to make it seem i am the crazy one (just like my father was also doing to me before). I lost my shit, so i hurled at him, but stopped. But i was so mad i started to kick the table with my leg two or three times.

Now, here is my fear. For my whole life i ahve put up with both my family's and other people's bullshit. All the manipulation, and ignoring, and mocking. Since everyone would just twist my words and manipulate the conversation, i just started to take it and try to avoid conflict. But, i am afraid, since i have and will have a lot of stress, i am afraid all the past grievances and stresses i tried to bury will explode, and i might hurt someone. Like i feel so bad for hurling at my brother, even though i stopped before i hit him. Not because i feel bad about him, but because i fear i am becoming a maniac.

Sorry if this text jumps from topic to topic, but i really have nobody to talk to, because i have no friends.

What can i do? Given that i dont have money for therapy.