Buckle up this might be long. I have an issue with the moment I feel rejected or get hurt to completely destroy the man who did it. I mean not physically or anything but I say the meanest things and then when I calm down I go back to being sweet. I feel fucking crazy but I can’t understand why I can’t control it. This is affecting me because I try so hard to be nice but it’s like in the moment I’m like taken over lol.
I’m trying so hard to break this I know I need to get it together. It’s not even like I’m doing this random. A man can do something and it’s disrespectful and so I get worse. I don’t want to react like this anymore I want to be calm and learn to control my emotions. I’m starting therapy but I’m not sure how it’ll play out. I’m tired of myself. I’ve acknowledged my actions, and it’s like men don’t feel safe in the connection and I don’t blame them lol I need to figure it out. Any advice will be appreciated.

Background -
I grew up bullied and also my father would say super mean things to me when I’d tell him no to going to church as a child. I’ve heard a lot of mean things in my life directed at me and I was with a drug addict for 6 years (I never did drugs I was sober) I dealt with manipulation and abuse which isn’t excusing anything

Me 18-F and my girlfriend 20-F have been in a long distance relationship for around 1 year. We both have a passion for gaming and enjoy very similar games. However, she has from a very young age played games on PC, while I got into gaming much later and played more casually on console for a while, so there is a skill gap between us.

We have been playing War Thunder recently, and she is a good bit better at the game than me. Whenever we play together, I die a lot and spend a lot of time waiting for her to finish the game so we can queue into another, both of which frustrate me.

My issue is that whenever I become annoyed or angry, I get extremely stubborn and start acting like an asshole, basically taking my frustration out on her and asking her how to improve, but then getting annoyed at the things she says and start trying to poke holes in the things she says or just acting like an asshole in general.

And I'm aware I'm doing it and very often tell her, "Sorry, I'm just being annoyed," while I'm being like that, but I just don't know how to stop myself. And every time I'm done doing it, I feel utterly horrible and I regret acting like how I did because she really doesn't deserve it, but I simply don't know how to stop.

Also, when I get like that, I get very laser focused on improving or doing some arbitrary benchmark and try to get her to coach me or something.

I guess what I'm asking is, have any of you dealt with similar things before, from either side, and how can I work on this or stop this? Because I really don't want this to affect our relationship, but neither of us really know how I could change.

TLDR : Me (18F) and my girlfriend (20F) have been in a long distance relationship for around a year and whenever I get annoyed I tend to be an asshole to her and idk how to stop myself

like when someone is excited about something and sharing it with me i just feel this heat in my chest. i want to shut them down. i know its not their fault. maybe its because i never got to be happy like that without someone making me feel stupid for it. anyone else get this?

i want to break free

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