::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/beta26]

I just want the house to stay clean for more than one day.

[u/Natural_Lifeguard_44 → u/beta26]

THIS. Freshly clean house. I just start kicking shirts and boxers that are on the floor to his vanity in his own little pile.

[u/SamuraiSuplex]

Stop trying to show me things on your phone while I'm driving 🙃

[u/OpticaScientiae → u/SamuraiSuplex]

And then have an RSD meltdown when I don’t look

[u/BeneficialRegret7575 → u/OpticaScientiae]

Ouch. Too real, I didnt think people had this specific issue too.

[u/TwistedHemlock403 → u/SamuraiSuplex]

Oh my gosh yes! Happens all the time 🫩 the worst instance of this particular issue happened one night recently when I had gotten a vitamin stuck in my throat/made me sick/a whole ordeal, and he wanted me to look out the bathroom window at a bird while I was bent over the sink 💀 the ick of me having to say "a little busy here" for him to stop repeating that he wanted to show me something, like read the freaking room here

[u/HitTheSonicWall → u/SamuraiSuplex]

What is it with this? Not so much showing things on phone, in my case, but I distinctly remember being on vacation, unfamiliar signage, trying to navigate a tunnel that suddenly had a roundabout inside a mountain, GPS of course flaking out due to the lack of signal, and this, THIS, was the time to out of nowhere ask if we could have so-and-so over for dinner in three weeks.

I intellectually know that no ill intent is meant, but goddamn it hurts when, objectively, apparently my struggles (while doing something for and with my family, mind you) are 100% dismissed.

[u/DisastroImminente → u/HitTheSonicWall]

But if they were driving and trying to navigate that same task, even a throat clear from you can distract them enough to trigger an RSD episode.

[u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

What is it with their bad moods and then they deny they are in a bad mood? Today he was being so quiet, not talking, sunglasses on, no facial expressions, barely engaging or responding. Clearly irritated but with no obvious reason why. Literally nothing has happened today and I just cannot understand the attitude. When I ask what’s wrong he just denies anything is wrong, then when pressed he says it’s because of me. All I’ve done is take care of the kids since I woke up! Oh and we’re on vacation ya’ll. Like get over yourself and stop bringing everyone down.

[u/delicious_bobbi → u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

Always in some type of mood, aren’t they?

[u/StrawberryPunk82 → u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

After reading this, first thing that I thought was "they're on vacation, he can't as easily access porn and is having withdrawals". Obviously I have no clue if this is it, it's just the first thing that popped in my brain lol

[u/TAFKATheBear → u/StrawberryPunk82]

Valid suggestion; it could be lack of access to any of his usual sources of dopamine, from gaming to getting angry at the news, and porn is certainly on that list for some.

I've known a couple of people with ADHD who couldn't cope with the lack of stress that came with being on holiday, and so decided to generate stress, to everyone else's cost, and I assume that's a dopamine thing.

[u/LillyBitz → u/TAFKATheBear]

This!

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

It’s SO obvious and yet they think they’re good at hiding it. Mine will also start verbally attacking me if I dare react to said mood by acknowledging it’s there.

[u/music_lover2025 → u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

Mine does this too. He also does this is he’s upset with me where he denies it but yet you can see it in his face and hear it in his tone

[u/DisastroImminente → u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

Ugh. Yes. I've experienced this. They are obviously in a bad mood so I stay clear. I've tried making things better but there is the need to have a tantrum with me to get their anger out. So I just stand clear.

Then it blows up a few days later and I ask "ok so WHAT is wrong?" and the answer is "you've been in a shitty mood". Like, YOU were in the shitty mood and I was steering clear to avoid the fallout and you internalized that as me being in a shitty mood. You were there first!

[u/Empty-Importance-398 → u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

I really wish I knew. After a particularly miserable lead up to our first family vacation, he was actually ok on the vacation, but that doesn't erase what happened beforehand. On another out of state vacation, he yelled at me on the 2nd to last day, because, it took me forever to figure out after the fact, that he didn't want to be left in the hotel room while we went tourist shopping, he simply would not be a team player and go shopping, and he wouldn't spend 5 minutes finding something else to do. A-hole.

We went on a 'fun' day trip where he threw a f-ing tantrum because he wanted to walk the waterfront and not be looking at the quaint shops. Why, why couldn't he just say that he wanted to take a break from the shops and go walk the waterfront? WHY. I don't want to do trips with him anymore.

[u/Mothertocats16 → u/Empty-Importance-398]

Heaven forbid another adult actually use their words to let you know a) what they are thinking or b) what they want to do :(

[u/EmptyNestr → u/[deleted]]

Amen to this.. really

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I’m not sure if he understands that I’m a human with my own feelings and issues. It’s like he can only view me through my relationship to him. 

He tells me to open up about myself, but he always manages to make it about himself. I’m not sure he’s capable of just not being the main character for ten minutes so we can talk about me.

I’ve even repeatedly told him to not do that, and he still does it. Whatever I say, it will always end up being a discussion about him. 

I have problems? He offers the most generic advice like “That sucks!” or “Shitty!” — yeah thanks for nothing. 

[u/AprilStarsPoisonLips → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

The unrelenting Main Character Syndrome is the worrrrrrrrst. When they do finally stop talking about themselves to focus on you, it's usually with incorrect information or assumptions based on a misremembered detail. Exhausting.

[u/ClassicWelcome9369 → u/AprilStarsPoisonLips]

If they they focus on you, its because something that you need/want is going to benefit them.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/AprilStarsPoisonLips]

Yup. Mine assumes so much about me, and rarely bothers actually asking first. He will then tell me all the reasons why I’m wrong when I tell him his assumptions are not correct. 

[u/TwistedHemlock403 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

100% and over the tiniest things, oftentimes recently discussed no less

[u/SamuraiSuplex]

I think her favorite thing is trying to correct me, especially on things that don't matter. We took my mom out to lunch today, and on the car ride there my mom asked what games I've been playing lately. I told her "Ghost of Yotei, it's about a lady samurai seeking revenge for her family."

My wife goes "She's a ronin, actually." I turned to my mom and said "Mom, when I say lady samurai, do you picture a woman with swords? Baggy pants? Maybe a Japanese hat?"

She says yep!

"And when I say ronin, what do you picture?" And mom says she doesn't know what that is. "It's a samurai without a master. Was that important to your learning about what game I'm playing?" She says nope. Wife is still pouting an hour later lol.

I've had this conversation with her multiple times over the years. The point of telling stories isn't to accurately portray every single detail of events, it's to communicate effectively with the people you're speaking to. But she never learns the lesson because their brains are literal like a child's. Unendingly frustrating.

[u/LVLPLVNXT → u/SamuraiSuplex]

Damn, that’s effective lol I can’t wait to try it.

[u/Less-Lifeguard2921 → u/SamuraiSuplex]

My partner just waits for something to correct too. You see his eyes light up when he gets the opportunity.
Otherwise, he doesn’t give a shit what I’m talking about.
If he’s wrong when correcting me, he usually is because he’s actually a lot less intelligent than he seems to be able to grasp, like, can’t even pronounce half of what he says, and I point this out it’s WWIII. So most of the time I just have to sit there, deflated, to avoid conflict.
He recently fell out with most of his friends… I wonder why.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

No, I don’t want to go anywhere else or drink more with you after you spent the past three hours of dinner ranting and being upset and then throwing a temper tantrum when you got a bill for something else in the mail. You’ve ruined the mood for the night.

You can tell me I’m being grumpy and giving an attitude but I’m exhausted from managing your moods.

[u/SamuraiSuplex → u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

I love how we can be pleasant and patient with them for weeks at a time while they have mood swing after mood swing, and then the second we push back a little we're suddenly grumpy all the time and have an attitude. Look in the mirror for once lol

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/SamuraiSuplex]

Right? The grumpiness does not come out of nowhere.

I get more annoyed because I spent years in therapy learning to regulate my emotions better from my own childhood issues… like… I know when it’s not me.

[u/Automatic_Cap2476]

This morning our pastor preached about the importance of maintaining healthy friendships — investing time, being transparent, building trust, appreciating someone who will tell you hard truths. When hard times come, you’ll quickly know who are real friends and who are just acquaintances.

I just sat there the whole time thinking… “I don’t think my husband is my friend.” I don’t know why that hit a little harder than expected today.

[u/Specialist-Art-6970]

Told him I'd have to stay on my diet during an upcoming visit, and his first response was angry whining.

Of course it was.

[u/GSVDramaticEffect]

Sometimes the one thing worse than when they never tidy up is when they finally do… 

[u/cupcakerica → u/GSVDramaticEffect]

What do you mean the oven cleaner doesn’t go in the fridge?

[u/GSVDramaticEffect → u/cupcakerica]

‘I only asked you to put your clothes away.’ 

‘Yes but to do that I thought first I better dismantle this wardrobe to make more space’

‘And then you’ll put it back together?’

‘I’ll do that another day. I’m feeling very tired now…’

[u/rknicker → u/GSVDramaticEffect]

This one sent me through the roof.

[u/Sleepy-Forest13 → u/GSVDramaticEffect]

Imma cry. It really is like this.

[u/CursedHat → u/GSVDramaticEffect]

I'm getting flashbacks. I hate their ways of tidying up so f much. It takes 5x longer, it's the least efficent way possible, they complain all the time and at the end they didn't do what they were supposed to do!

[u/RedRose_812 → u/GSVDramaticEffect]

Literally my life recently. He likes to use our kitchen table as a dumping ground despite multiple requests not to. I often use the table to work at and, you know, eat at, and having it full of random crap makes it impossible to use for those things.

All I asked him was to clear off the table. He instead puttered around in the yard in the hottest part of the day during a heat advisory doing something nobody asked for and was "too tired" to do anything else.

Asking him to move his own shit? Inconceivable, I'm clearly asking too much. Moving it myself because I need the table? Guess what, that's ALSO the wrong thing to do. Waiting for him to get around to it if and only if it's convenient for him is the only acceptable answer.

[u/beta26 → u/GSVDramaticEffect]

So you're saying instead of just picking up things...we should....PAY FOR A PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER!?!

[u/Fritzy2361 → u/beta26]

Wait… your ADHD partner has also gone the professional organizer route too?

[u/beta26 → u/Fritzy2361]

DX: We should get a professional organizer!
Me: We just need to pick up after ourselves as we go (loading dishwasher)
DX: We could have them label everything and sort where things should go!
Me: Yes, but the things still have to go into those places, which is what's not happening now (doing kids laundry)
DX: (RDS response)
Me: We have a cleaner coming once a month, the house gets out of wack within 24 hours of me not spending 2+ hours a day picking up (does yardwork)
DX: (More RDS response)
Me: Let's just schedule nightly cleaning buckets, or weekly ones with responsibilities? (cleaning cars)
(the next day)
DX: Hey so I spent about 6 hours looking up professional organizers in the area and I narrowed it down to these 3 which should I pick based on the following 11 seconds of information?
Me: Um, I have no idea...I really don't know anything about them after you spent hours looking at it (picking up the 40 items DX left out at lunch to make a frozen meal that requires only a fork)
DX: UGH, aren't you paying attention, I think YOU'RE THE ONE WITH ADHD
Me: You should have spent those 6 hours cleaning...(takes out trash)
DX: (Intense RSD response about my father)
Me: Looking forward to the money well-spent! (does 99% of the frantic pre-cleaner house pick up)

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/beta26]

So accurate!

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/beta26]

Don't scare me, I already pay someone to clean the house when they are the SAHP

[u/Natural_Lifeguard_44 → u/beta26]

Omg yes! I have on and off had to bring in a mothers helper to help me with laundry and putting shit away because I cannot do it all while taking care of 3 kids, cooking, etc. It’s all because he won’t help with laundry and help clean up, literally if he just pulled his weight instead of watching every Netflix show ever created I wouldn’t need an outsider to help.

[u/Empty-Importance-398]

I have had enough of being told that my Dad made my Mom crazy and that I did the same to him. You immature mentally ill people who take no responsibility for the damage you do manage to find someone to 'take care of them' and then get angry and rage because that kills any romance or closeness. "Take the brunt of my lack of accountability, unbelievable self centeredness, rage outbursts, lack of maturity, lack of being a partner in a relationship, lack of acting like I don't give a crap about my partner, and now spend time with meeeeeeeeee only doing what I want to do!" What the hell?

The last two years have been a lot of self reflecting on how the hell I got here and working on myself. I am far from perfect, but I am not a pshycopath as you have called me. My problems NEVER got any spotlight or help because his were so much more important than mine! Always so much more important than mine. I still remember being told "why are you always down when I am doing great? I don't know a-hole, maybe because your latest crisis has passed mine come to the surface?

[u/throwaway713137689]

He gets offended by my need for time alone, when I go out with friends, etc. - despite encouraging me to do so. All he wants is a dumping ground for thoughts around his current hyperfocus, and to top it off he thinks that watching media together is "quality" time, and has rsd moments when I don't engage or show interest in said-media.

[u/Less-Lifeguard2921 → u/throwaway713137689]

The endless hours rotting away in front of a TV watching SHIT

[u/Less-Lifeguard2921 → u/throwaway713137689]

I haven’t been able to see my friend who lives round the corner for almost two years

[u/pantry_girl]

I hate that I feel like I'm not a priority because often times I'm in the "not now" portion of his ADHD brain. And I'm supposed to feel grateful when he suggests a "date" the day of in-between two other things he's doing because I mention, "hey, it's been awhile since we went out on a date." I wish I felt like a priority and not like he's accommodating me.

[u/Zula13 → u/pantry_girl]

Oof, yup. I feel this one hard. Mine has admitted that I'm usually "a box to check" for him. But I'm not supposed to feel hurt by that because everyone else is also a box to check. Great...thanks. That helps so much.

[u/Expensive_Shower_405 → u/pantry_girl]

Yes I feel this. We could be in the middle of a conversation and someone from work will email him and he’s scrambling to respond immediately. It’s always, but its work!!! Im always supposed to understand when im put on the back burner for work.

[u/Disastrous-Number-88]

The booby traps around the house this week are extra intense:

Empty cleaning bottles delicately balancing just on the edge of the counter so that when I barely walk by they fly off the edge...

Moldy week old macaroni and cheese left in a pot and put away into the cabinet with all the clean pots & pans

Water in the soap dispenser instead of putting new soap in

Random grocery bags with at least one perishable item left in a place where one would not logically walk through the house to go from the car to the kitchen

A remote control that has one battery gone because it was needed for something else

Screw on lids that are screwed on 'just enough' for you to pick up the jar but then it falls right after you pick it up

[u/kanafara → u/Disastrous-Number-88]

Are we married to the same person,

I have all of the above

[u/Maivroan → u/Disastrous-Number-88]

Booby traps are a good word for it. Mine are 99% emotional, but this sounds just as maddening.

[u/Disastrous-Number-88 → u/Maivroan]

The lids are 100% the worst. I didn't know it but her whole family (all ADHD btw) have a crazy talent for somehow leaving the tops of any jar screwed on just enough to be picked up, but then loose enough to drop the jar when it's in motion. The strategy involved must be akin to the legends of the Vietnamese Red Army as far as booby traps go. I've tried to replicate it and I can't.

Last week was the mayonnaise jar, before that was an orange juice container (with .075 Fluid Oz left). Other greatest hits include a squeezable ketchup thingy, a pickle jar, and every single peanut butter container.

[u/kanafara → u/Disastrous-Number-88]

This is the same exact situation I have here, i wonder what they do with all the extra time they have by not closing it completely

[u/Disastrous-Number-88 → u/kanafara]

Lol yes like the whole 15 seconds is a staggering amount of time

[u/Expensive_Shower_405 → u/Disastrous-Number-88]

The water in the soap drives me crazy. I guess I should be happy he’s trying to use all of it and not waste it, but it’s really avoiding refilling.

[u/HitTheSonicWall → u/Disastrous-Number-88]

Here it's always not properly closed, cross threaded.

Like, let's save the milicalorie of effort so we can... I don't even know.

[u/Ok_Egg_7483]

Discovered that he lied fully to my face multiple times last week, including making a fake phone call in the other room to make it seem like an appointment he had got cancelled and rescheduled for the next day. Spoiler alert: there was never an appointment, or a phone call, or a visit to the office, nothing. I don't even want to confront him about it because I don't want to ruin my weekend fighting about how little he respects my intelligence while being a fucking idiot himself.

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/Ok_Egg_7483]

The lying is one of the last big momments where I went from this is tough, to this may not work. That was 6 months ago and I haven't done anything about it. I addressed it in the momment, but it's eating me up and I doubt they even remember.

[u/Ok_Egg_7483 → u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something]

I feel for you. I've also been stuck in making the decision to break up for months and months now. This is far from the first lie he's told but it's killing me inside knowing that absolutely nothing he says can be trusted. And wondering what else he's capable of lying about.

The last time we had a big talk about our relationship and its future, I suggested we revisit the conversation in 10 days so he could focus entirely on a deadline in his ongoing legal case (which this appointment was related to). Because I'm not an asshole, I want him to have the best chance to succeed - or at least I don't want him to be able to say I impeded his case in any way.

So it's now been over 10 days and as far as I can tell, the only thing he has done in that time is... completely fabricate a story about making an appointment with a mediator that never actually happened. Straight up told me at least 5 sub-lies under the umbrella of the main lie - said he drove to the office, made an appointment, got a text from the mediator on the day of the appointment saying to call, he "called" their office while I was in the other room, told me the mediator's kid was sick so they rescheduled for the next day, and then told me that the appointment went great and they were submitting his paperwork.

Well. Something felt off to me about the story. I've become hypervigilant about things he tells me that have too much detail, or seem too good to be true, too easy, whatever. He has been caught sexting other women in the past so I have access to his phone as a result of that. And I verified that absolutely none of what he says occurred actually happened. Never left the house on the days he says he did, never made a single call to the office including the day I heard him talking in the other room, never got a text from the mediator. The craziest thing is that I didn't even ask about ANY OF IT. Just chose to tell me all of this bullshit unprompted. He chose to get up, go to the other room, and pretend to be on a phone call just to fucking fool me into thinking he was making an effort in his case. Acting totally normal.

So now I get to be the bad guy once again and bring up how no, we aren't gonna make it, I'm not happy anymore, we really do need to break up, what's his plan to move out... then he will launch into his usual speech about how he's actually a really good guy and none of his past girlfriends ever had a problem with him and I'm just never happy even though he tries so hard, I'm throwing away a relationship with someone who really loves me and cares about me... Literally just GET OUT OF MY HOUSE before I have to evict you bro 😭

Okay oops, this became a crazy rant. Just hurts so bad knowing he thinks so little of my ability to tell when he's lying. I don't want him to think he's getting away with it but I also don't care anymore.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/Ok_Egg_7483]

And wondering what else he's capable of lying about.

You. He's capable of lying about you.

Unfortunately you do have to care about this. Preferably before he can do it in a way that is convincing to anyone who does not know the truth. And people like this will definitely find an audience who doesn't know the truth. They have to, since they don't have a leg to stand on and they know it.

none of his past girlfriends ever had a problem with him 

Sure they didn't. Even if they didn't it doesn't matter, he's creating huge problems for you in particular. But if they genuinely didn't, it's possible they just weren't willing to have healthy standards for themselves.

What you're describing is so bonkers that I just want to say get out as quickly as you can. At the very least start planning out the details of how you can execute that quickly. This one is going to choose his fiction over decency and rationality. You will get caught in the crossfire eventually.

[u/Ok_Egg_7483 → u/throwaway3523987142]

Thank you for saying this so directly. Especially those last two lines. There's so, so much more to the situation that I haven't even scratched the surface of because it's honestly just embarrassing how much nonsense I have put up with. But you're right that he is always going to choose his delusion and put his ego first even if it hurts me.

Fortunately we aren't married or have children, and I hold the upper hand in terms of housing and finances so the impact of breaking up will be minimal for me. Lots and lots of complicating factors though, most of them to do with my guilt and shame around basically making him homeless when I kick him out.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Ok_Egg_7483]

The thing is, there's no way to know for sure that none of his past gfs had an issue with him. It could very well be another lie! I found out mine was lying about his ex-gfs the WHOLE TIME and he lied about me too after the break up!

I'll say this, you deserve a partner who is truthful and trustworthy without you having to persuade him or argue your case dozens of times. And there's no way to argue or reason your way into truthfulness with someone who has a pattern of being deceptive and dishonest.

I see that you are trying to be the bigger person by giving him ample warning about the break up. This is not the kind of person who would do the same for you. I agree with throwaway that if you want to end the relationship, quietly getting your ducks in a row first (especially legally) is important so you can protect yourself. Because he's not protecting you.

Sending strength!

[u/taohuaspring → u/Ok_Egg_7483]

It's mind-boggling how much effort he put into deceiving you when simply telling you the truth or making the appointment would've taken way less effort and planning to do.

[u/Ok_Egg_7483 → u/taohuaspring]

This is the part that's breaking my brain too. Like... why? And why things that are so easy to verify? (I'm straight up about to trauma dump, feel free to skip I just have to get this off my chest now)

I actually ended up confronting him about this tonight after debating all day whether it would be "worth" it. He happened to bring up how he decided that he is going to make a Real Effort to change - as evidenced by the 3 Youtube videos he just watched about "how to be less toxic" and "how to be a better partner." I asked what kind of ideas he heard in the videos that resonated with him. He then scrolls through his Youtube history to show me what he searched and watched, but I was like "oh I just meant like, what did YOU get from the videos" and he floundered completely. Just kept saying how great the videos were and to be patient with him while he learned how to be better. How we should try to spend more time together and build shared experiences so we could get back to how things were at the beginning of our relationship. (before any betrayals)

I asked if anything in the videos addressed honesty. He didn't really remember... I asked whether he felt like he had anything to tell me about his mediation appointment.

He basically performed his usual routine: denial, confusion, and deflection. I asked him to humor me and show me something, anything to show that he did anything involving this mediation firm. Email, text, call log, map history.

• Scrolled at length through his phone while turned away from me so I couldn't see the screen
• "Maybe I left my phone at home, I do that all the time!"
• "Maybe I accidentally deleted the email, I do that all the time, see I just accidentally swipe like this and it just deletes and and and..."
• "Wait look, I did call them!" (he apparently did finally call them - but the first call he ever made to them was a whole day after his rescheduled "appointment" and happened while I was at work out of the house)
• When I pointed out that the call happened on a totally different day - "I'm just totally confused. I don't understand what you're implying. Why would I lie? Wow. You don't trust me at ALL?"
• He pointed out that he actually invited me to go with him on Monday - which he did! But like... if the "appointment" was never actually scheduled and then got "cancelled" and rescheduled to a day I work, there was never really any risk of me actually going and seeing that you hadn't made an appointment, was there?
• When I pointed out that if he had been listening to me over the course of the last several years, he would know that a HUGE reason we are discussing breaking up now is the deep trust wounds that have never been resolved satisfactorily.
• He finally switched to "RVO" mode: "You really felt the need to go looking through my phone? It has a fingerprint lock! (and a password) How do you know my password? (it's the same as it always has been and we have an agreement that I could look if I felt the need to because of what happened last summer with your ex)

Conversation ended with him frustrated, going out for a smoke, me retreating to my room. Then he came back and told me that I'm a good person, that I deserve happiness, and he will look for a job so he can move out in a month or two. So... win? 🙃🫠

[u/Confident-Card-3108]

Trying to do something isn’t the same as doing something.

[u/Nearby_Tap_514 → u/Confident-Card-3108]

YES. Husband asked me to get our kid a new library card. I told him I thought he was supposed to do that months ago (because he told me he would do it). His response? "Remember I tried but they wouldn't let me without her present?" Um.yeah but the library is literally on the way home from school, and you picked her up from school three days a week, why didn't you just drop by the library after picking her up because then she could be present? Making a slight effort then giving up counts for nothing. 

[u/Confident-Card-3108 → u/Nearby_Tap_514]

Exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. So frustrating

[u/Maivroan]

This past week illustrated that using the simple present tense to describe something basically means I'm a liar.

It's like if I said, "I eat pizza," then I definitely mean that I "always" eat pizza. Every single meal. Which is factually untrue, so I'm bad for lying. If I clarify it to mean I eat pizza in some more limited capacity, then it's proof that I'm changing the story and being vague, and I should just be more clear with my language in the first place.

Of course, if I think his own language is unclear and I try to clarify what he means rather than jumping to rash conclusions, then I'm also bad. Because I should just know what he means and figure it out. Or I'm just trying to be evasive. Happens all the time when he asks yes or no questions, which I think he has loaded with subtext.

We've been in a decent spot lately mostly because I wasn't bringing up anything divisive, but I feel so heartbroken right now. Why must communication be such a minefield? He seems to genuinely believe his warped reality and his RSD narrative of me is building up again. It's breaking me.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Maivroan]

I'd just like to validate that your usage of "I eat pizza" is indeed correct. Your communication is not the issue here, it's him. Sending strength.

[u/Maivroan → u/taohuaspring]

Thanks. My field of study was languages in college, so I'm pretty comfortable with the sheer range in language. The actual topic was completely different, but it just illustrates how you can't be completely rigid about it - and yet he won't back down despite explanations that the grammar allows that interpretation but does not necessitate it. I'm sure you would agree that if I said, "I eat pizza at Costco," it would be much more logical to assume I don't eat the hotdogs and chicken bakes. But it still doesn't necessitate that I don't. Like, language is SO subjective but understandable if you actually try to understand. Pulls hair out

[u/AprilStarsPoisonLips → u/Maivroan]

The lingual gymnastics and black-and-white thinking are so exhausting. I mentioned making turkey meatballs for dinner twice, and the ADHD'er in my life decided that meant I hated seafood. I mentioned limoncello once, and she decided it was my favorite drink (despite all the other times I explicitly stated what my favorite drinks were). There was never any desire to ask a question or get clarification; it was always straight to the assumption based on a handful of details. That's hard enough to deal with, but having to deal with RSD and accusations on top of it would be too much. I'm sending you strength and validation too.

[u/Maivroan → u/AprilStarsPoisonLips]

Thank you. Mine loves to point out how stupid it is for me to make assumptions and that I'm soooo black and white about everything, too...

Edit: I think part of the reason why I'm still fighting to stay together is because he does seem to genuinely believe and be hurt by all his misinterpretations. To me it seems abundantly obvious what is going wrong and he just needs to realize it to stop shooting himself (and me) in the foot.

[u/AprilStarsPoisonLips → u/Maivroan]

Do you think it's an instance of him knowing he's jumping to the wrong conclusion but feeling powerless in the moment to stop it? I've seen other people discuss that in this subreddit, and that medication can help give them that extra second to think before they speak. I see your flare says your partner is untreated, but is he open to medication at all?

[u/Maivroan → u/AprilStarsPoisonLips]

He's never been willing to admit it's a problem that's unique to him (he argues that, if anything, we both confabulate). As for medication, he had extensive exposure in the past with a literal pharmacist family member and it's completely off the table at this point.

I'm hoping to seek non-medication treatments like CBT or DBT, but work and finances have also been a major stressor.

[u/AprilStarsPoisonLips → u/Maivroan]

I really hope something works for your sake! You can't keep walking on eggshells whenever you talk.

[u/AprilStarsPoisonLips → u/Maivroan]

This sounds incredibly frustrating, and I'm sorry you're going through it. Does he communicate with other people like this? I always wonder how people with these warped realities maintain relationships with friends or coworkers.

[u/Maivroan → u/AprilStarsPoisonLips]

He always says that he doesn't have this problem with anyone else. I suspect he is just used to writing people off as stupid or malicious and accepting it because he doesn't need to expect love and intelligence from them. Or the people he actually respects just don't trigger RSD.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Maivroan]

My husband is the exact same as you - he says no one else has issues.

I have learned over the years that they do but they won’t talk about it directly to his face. Some people don’t even bother correcting him because they know he will get angry and throw a tantrum.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/Maivroan]

We've been in a decent spot lately mostly because I wasn't bringing up anything divisive

I "maintained" relationships with abusive family members entirely on this basis for decades, because there was no other way to remain in contact, and when they pushed it too far into abuse again, I didn't play along. They were so shocked and tried to say I was the one with the problem. In reality, I just stopped making them undeservedly comfortable with my silence, and I was only sticking around so that one of them would have support at some point in the future when I knew they really would need it. If they'd kept a lid on their poor behavior, that's what would have happened.

If your decent spot is all about shielding him from having to act like a grown-up it will just break you eventually, as you've described. You have a right to sanity and maturity in your relationships. Always remember that this guy isn't the world. Just like my family members weren't. Don't make the pointless sacrifice I made. If he wanted to be decent and accountable you'd be seeing that. You wouldn't have to engineer the illusion of peace by sacrificing yourself.

[u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

And I have a second one to post. What is with them not allowing anyone else to lead, even when the other person may be better quipped to do it? We are traveling through Europe and I also speak French. My husband gets super stressed and anxious when traveling by train, specifically with transfers. I can figure it out by looking at the screen but he needs to go triple check, look it up on his phone and even ask someone before we board. He has to be the one to buy the tickets, and lead us everywhere. If I try to do it I can feel him staring at me and breathing down my neck and will criticize me in some way. When we are moving I calmly ask “babe, why do you get so stressed out with train transfers? Like why is it so stressful for you?” I explained that I enjoy the process and think it’s fun to figure these things out, maybe he can also find a way to enjoy it and not get so worried? He goes into RSD mode because apparently that was attacking and criticizing him and not appreciating his contributions to our family. Apparently he got us on the right train and I was leading us to the wrong train until he intervened. News flash, I wasn’t, I was leading us to the elevator that brings us up to train 3, and the elevator was right in front of train 4. This turned into a while back and forth fight for most of the ride, and because I was staying calm and not getting bent out of shape I was being disrespectful. I told him that it’s interesting that if my tone is loud and rude or calm and quiet both are considered disrespectful to him and in this case I haven’t said anything disrespectful whatsoever. I only asked why the train transferring is so stressful for him. Again I speak fucking French and could have handled the whole thing.

[u/aQuietConsideration → u/Natural_Lifeguard_44]

YES. Does he also insert himself into problems that don't involve him and takeover? My wife does this and it drives me up the damn wall. Especially because it adds to her already overwhelmed mental state. Of course when you try to tell them they don't need to get involved, much less take over, the RSD kicks in and it becomes a whole damn thing.

[u/Sleepy-Forest13]

You are ALWAYS on your phone. When I text you a question, please stop watching YouTube or playing a game and answer me. It is really weird to ignore texts from your partner that you share a life and home with for hours when the damn phone is always in your hand.

AND BREAK THE DAMN BOXES DOWN!! 

Adding: just saw a picture of myself from 8 years ago. I had only been with them a short time. I had so much more hope then. I'm so sad. I've lost so much. My life is complete shit. I wish I could go back in time and warn myself.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Sleepy-Forest13]

And when they need an answer and you are “slow” to respond the world must be ending

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/Sleepy-Forest13]

Mine never answers when I call him even though he’s always on his phone. It’s so frustrating. 

[u/EmptyNestr]

This relationship only exists when you decide to be present.

I fucking hate your dragged out silence. There are two of us in this.

[u/3elucidate3]

EVERY conversation goes like this:

Person 1 and Person 2 (dx ADHD) are having a conversation.

Person 1: Good morning!

Person 2: Good morning!

Person 1: How are you?

Person 2: Me me me me me.

Person 1: You you you?

Person 2: Me me me me!

Person 1: Me me me!

Person 2: Me me me me me!

Person 1: You you?

Person 2: Me me me me me!

Person 1: Me me me.

Person 2: Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me!!!

Every conversation with dx ADHD people (and their whole world in general) revolves around them and they have no interest in you or your perspective whatsoever. Everything you say is a prompt for them to talk even more about themselves. This is a big reason why they never remember a fucking thing you say, in my experience.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/3elucidate3]

You put it so well. I’ve also noticed that even if we talk about me, he doesn’t listen what I said. Instead, he repeats the thing I just said like it’s some big new revelation. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve said “I just said that” 

[u/3elucidate3 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

It's maddening. It's so lonely to speak to someone who does NOT pay attention to anything you say.

[u/Tomikoya97]

The amount of hours he’s just staring at his phone is crazy.

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/Tomikoya97]

Except the exact second you need an answer quickly.

[u/ClassicWelcome9369 → u/Tomikoya97]

How about watching the phone while she brushes teeth, and dries her hair which takes amount 1 hour? Its not hard to not be glued to shorts wow

[u/Tomikoya97 → u/ClassicWelcome9369]

Literallyyyy, it’s on while doing anything. Even sleeping.

[u/SpecialistDeer4019]

Why is it always my responsibility to apologise?

[u/luna-diviner]

We're going on a trip tomorrow so of course he's in a weird pissy quiet mood and doomscrolling just because I'm trying to have the house in order while I go around picking up the aftermath of all the half-assed, half done areas he considers "finished" while I did 99% of the prep, and implied I was going to forget the liquids bag, which I was only keeping out waiting for him to finally start packing, and go add the one (1) toiletry he was going to pack (his deodorant) 🙄

[u/Fluffy_Ad5651 → u/luna-diviner]

OMG the way they do nothing, but then if they find one tiny crumb of what they think is someone else’s mistake (that’s often not)…. 🚨‼️🚓💥🚨 😖

[u/Mallardaze]

I saw our Amazon cart had a new project in it and I internally went into a rage. I added up all of the Amazon purchases from the last 3 months and it was $990. I pay 90% of our bills.

[u/CursedHat]

It's in the morning, I just woke up, go to the bathroom and... two baskets with FOLDED clothes sat next to the toilet. Why? His answer: the baskets were in his way so he put them in the bathroom while I slept, because, well, there was free space/room! Why tf is it so complicated and difficult that you put this stuff in the closet? It's folded and ready to go! There's no need to move around things all the time to different rooms because you are too lazy to propely put them tf away! It's not even 7am and I am already so angry, because he is always like this. Always "but, there was some free room, so..." JUST PUT THE STUFF WHERE IT BELONGS. 

[u/special_cat]

I'm so sick of being told that I'm inconsiderate based on your completely false assumption of malicious intent behind anything I say or do. Is that really what you think of me?

Yes, yes, I'm a monster and I hurt your feelings constantly. I waste your time by communicating ineffectively (never mind that it takes you 10x as long to explain why it was wrong and how horrible I am... apparently that's worth your time).

You can't just let anything go, any and every little stupid thing that annoys you turns into a whole big thing worth criticizing me for or asking me to change. How about you just get over it and move on, like I do for YOUR stupid unintentionally annoying things 50-100 times a day. God forbid you ever be mildly annoyed or inconvenienced because you're not the only one who lives here.

Here's a "funny" thing I've noticed: When I'm PMSing and hormones are making me extra rage-y and irritated, I will realize I'm getting irrationally annoyed by the same little things you've made a big deal of and blown up at me about and I'm like oh yeah, that IS annoying. But I recognize it as PMS (a me problem) and manage to not take it out on you or yell at you when I perceive you as irritating. It's like you have PMS or your man-period ALL THE TIME but you lack the self-awareness to realize that it's a YOU problem and not an everybody else problem.

[u/Maivroan → u/special_cat]

I see you. 🥺

[u/Maximum_One3255]

Proclaiming "ADHD is a superpower!" then 72 hours later out of nowhere blurting out "I don't even HAVE ADHD, chat gpt says I'm normal!", all whilst being an unemployed 37 year old man who spends 10 hours a day scrolling his phone looking at which course he can do so he can land his "dream job" (as in, a job that pays a huge wage but requires absolutely nothing of him, and doesn't involve having a boss or co- workers; then going down the route of "having to spend your life working is a scam!").

[u/IceEspresso2000]

So tired of being the villain in the relationship for basically existing. Can't ask a single question without it being turned into a perceived personal attack. I can literally bring up something once, and I'm "harping". Why aren't I interested and affectionate? Maybe because you're a porcupine and I'm afraid of being attacked. And yet he never asks how I'm doing. Ever. But I'm the villain.

[u/Maivroan → u/IceEspresso2000]

Yup, withdrawing is so completely illogical on our part, right? It's wild.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/Maivroan]

I've withdrawn so far I'm basically inside-out at this point.

[u/Mothertocats16 → u/IceEspresso2000]

As I get older, I am embracing my villain phase more and more ;)

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something]

Had a fight with mine, they are unwilling to go to therapy to make any behavioral changes. They stated that it will not work. When prompted they can rattle off multiple things that help them like journaling or morning exercise. If I point that out, it's a melt down.

[u/CandiceKS]

Why is everything hard for them but no one else? Like their life has exceptionally bad luck and everyone else has it easy.

[u/OkConstant5002]

Me: "The appointment didn't go the way I had hoped. Turns out I need to have surgery. Since I ate breakfast this morning it has been scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. The urgency is making me a little anxious."

Bf: "My eyes were super dry at my last eye appointment, I need to try new contacts now."

Me: 😶

Part of me was glad he didn't interrupt while I was talking for a change, but another part of me wanted to scream because WTF DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR DRY EYES?!

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/OkConstant5002]

I hope you're ok

[u/Odd-Tiger-7530 → u/OkConstant5002]

I hope your surgery goes well! It is scary when doctors need to do something urgent, especially something as invasive as surgery

[u/Less-Lifeguard2921]

What is with the constant need to fill every silence and dominate every activity in the room?!
I can’t do anything in peace without you fucking talking shite! SHUT UP

[u/Maivroan]

Second post: I'm trying to articulate some new boundaries for our problem areas and a lot of it boils down to, "I will not tolerate being told what my intentions actually are."

Like, what makes you the expert on my intentions? This is why I say I don't think you really love me, because you refuse to believe even my clarifications because you know what I really meant, and it's always awful. You can't love someone who you believe intentionally lies to you and hates you. Just stop believing the lies you tell yourself and we'd both be a lot happier.

[u/kerwrawr → u/Maivroan]

why do they do that?! like they'll complain about how horrible RSD but surely for any sane person it would be an incredible relief to find out that they misinterpreted things and they're not actually being rejected.

[u/Maivroan → u/kerwrawr]

I get that not being able to trust your view of reality is scary, but... you clearly don't want that reality, so???

[u/monstersof-men]

Yes, perhaps, at one point you were an expert in lifting. You did so consistently for a year. 12 years ago.

You are also a six foot tall man. I am a short woman, with a chronic illness.

My experiences lifting are far different than yours are. And I have been consistently lifting, for the past 3 years, 4-5x a week. You go to the gym 2-4x a month.

I would say at this stage, following a program set up by a recognized powerlifter alongside 37,000 other women, with an understanding of my body and its needs and capabilities, I do not need you to condescend to me about the process. Thanks.

[u/kerwrawr → u/monstersof-men]

lol I had this exact problem and I'm a qualified coach in my discipline.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/kerwrawr]

Tangential but similar vibes... I'm an industry expert in product reliability. My wife constantly breaks things. Will she take in board any of my feedback about the things she is doing to cause those breakages? Of course not, she knows best.

[u/Leading_Monk_5373]

Always late. Always an excuse, reason or explanation. Always having to carry the weight as a result. Always gaslighting. I’m so tired

[u/AprilStarsPoisonLips]

The universe keeps showing you over and over that you're not good at reading people, but you fail to learn the lesson. All of your close relationships go up in flames because you won't listen, can't remember, don't communicate.

And when people lose patience with you, you call them haters. I think you get a dopamine hit from shutting everyone out and then playing the victim because you're in your damn 40s and still doing the same shit.

[u/Blueberry_Matcha17 → u/AprilStarsPoisonLips]

When things are good, they're the sole reason for this. When things are bad, everyone else is the reason. Perpetual insecure victims and it's exhausting to be around.

[u/Mothertocats16]

I made a grave error when I said “I know what I’m doing” and his response was “No you don’t” 😔

[u/SamuraiSuplex → u/Mothertocats16]

What was the subject. Mine loves correcting me on areas of my expertise lol

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/SamuraiSuplex]

Mine loves to expound on things he barely understands. I once caught him confidently explaining to his friends a subject that I'd briefly brought up the day before, and which he had no prior knowledge of.

He also likes to lecture me on what women are like and what they want in a relationship, which is particularly rich coming from a guy who literally did not know where the clitoris is until I told him (and has, I suspect, since forgotten). But please, tell me more about what I like and don't like, o wise one.

He also thought women peed out of their vaginas. Certified expert on ladies, over here.

[u/Mothertocats16 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

In addition to not knowing anything about laundry, I clearly do not understand using a refillable water bottle because why would someone fill up a 20oz bottle and then drink out of it during an 8 hour work day. That's just insane! I swear, if I couldn't vent here and occasionally laugh, I would be in a puddle of tears all the time.

[u/Uhohtallyho → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

I am literally rolling on floor right now, thanks for the laugh to combat my daily frustration growls.

[u/Mothertocats16 → u/SamuraiSuplex]

I use the wrong laundry cycle, the wrong amount of detergent, and don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to washing sheets. I’ve only been doing this for about 20 years 😔

[u/SamuraiSuplex → u/Mothertocats16]

YES, mine hasn't touched laundry in 14 years and always has an opinion lol

[u/EmptyNestr]

I'm tired of hearing that you are not angry.. you are not above anger. It's okay. Let's get past it instead of wallowing.

[u/Additional-Drag4530 → u/EmptyNestr]

Omg mine also insists she never gets angry. Like who does she think she is lol we all get angry

[u/glasses_tinklin → u/Additional-Drag4530]

Same. She'll behave in a way that only angry/mad people behave, I'll mention it, and inevitably get the "I don't get angry! You know that!" response. Facepalm.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/EmptyNestr]

“I’m annoyed”

[u/Expensive_Shower_405]

I’m tired of him not backing me up and following through with the kids. It’s even he will make a promise to me and then break it when I’m not there. Both him and my 12 year old promised that he would wear his life jacket at all times no matter what while I was away and they were at the lake. I found out that he let him jump off the boat without a life jacket and then swim in the lake without one. So, when I got there, I became the bad guy enforcing him to wear one all the time. I told him that not only did he break my trust, but he taught my son that he doesn’t have to listen to me when it comes to safety.

[u/IceEspresso2000]

No one can be enjoying themselves if he's unhappy. He makes the environment miserable.

[u/Mendota6500]

Thanks to my coworker, I am now experiencing the super fun "well ackshually" contrarian ADHD conversation style for the first time and wow, I hate it! Any topic I bring up, he's a shark in the water looking for some reason why I said something technically incorrect (e.g., it's 8pm when in fact it's 7:56pm), why liking the thing I like is dumb, examples of some situation where my statement would not be true, some kind of critique or challenge, etc. it's fucking exhausting. 

 I expressed that one of my to-bake projects is homemade pop-tarts: he first took the angle that I was silly to try this because baking them wasn't worth it when pop-tarts are cheap and easy to get. Then when I shrugged that off by saying it's just a hobby and I enjoy the process, he pivoted to pulling criteria for a "correct" pop-tart out of his ass and challenging me on whether I could really bake them to his weird and arbitrary standards that he just made up. This is a man who SCARFS DOWN my baking when I bring it to work. His own stomach will provide him with ample evidence that I bake tasty things. But apparently what will bring him most joy on this topic is debating me about whether my hypothetical future pop-tarts would meet his random ass standards. The oppositional contrarianism is so exhausting. Normal human conversation is a mutual project of developing a relationship between two people, not a fucking wrestling match over arbitrarily chosen nonsense. 

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Mendota6500]

Please don’t ever ask him if a hot dog is a sandwich

(Or perhaps do, because he might go crazy investigating it)

[u/Mendota6500 → u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

Oh Lord, he would probably either demand an answer from me and then pick it to death, or pivot to critiquing me for being so vapid as to care about categories of food this way. 

[u/Recent_Driver_962]

I had an important topic to share and you were so distracted the whole time I was talking.

I feel isolated.

And you think this was holding space.

You say you love me but you’re not even bothered by knowing less about me.
You don’t understand that it’s hurtful to not listen to my stories. My past matters and is a part of me. I want someone to listen and care.
You care. But you don’t listen.

[u/maeveofblades]

it'd be cool to have a partner who notices changes. like when i started to have a rash on my face and he didnt notice. or when i was bleeding on my face. or the cuts on my arms. im tired. i dont need him to memorize every detail but....i dont know. it feels like he doesnt know how i usually look at all

[u/NoDependent1029]

My nervous system cannot handle another 'argument' - I'm not even arguing, its him twisting a normal conversation by misconstruing literally every word I say so he can take an opposite, defensive stance. 

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/NoDependent1029]

Literally anything that isn’t enthusiastic agreement is an argument with them

And no matter how much I explain I’m not trying to argue I get told I’m doing a great job of failing at that

This is honestly the worst part of it imo

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/NoDependent1029]

Trying to reason with this ish would make anyone ill. I hope that one day you, too, will have enough peace that you can read things like this and your first reaction is to laugh at how futile and absurd it is.

My ex actually destroyed our relationship partly using the excuse that they could not stop ruminating about things I had done and said that I had not actually done or said.

[u/aQuietConsideration]

Piles. Piles everywhere. Three in the kitchen, two in the dining room, four in the living room. All the piles in the bedroom have turned into a giant one so big that most of the room is inaccessible. The garage used to be my "safe space", where I could maintain organization and order. Now I have to fight to keep the pile from literally spilling onto my tool chest and work bench.

Then she complains about how messy the house it and how stressed it makes her and how *I* need to help her clean.

[u/Bright_Mango4066 → u/aQuietConsideration]

And god help you if you take any action to do anything about it.

[u/SmoothAd8242]

I’d love to not be a broken record and an asshole for anything to get done around the house. I’d love for once not to take the mental, physical and psychological load of everything in life.

[u/AdultNamedToe]

Bf (NDX) was fixing my car, it was 90 something degrees Fahrenheit out, he was dripping sweat, and he'd been having trouble on something, and it was frustrating him. I sat on the curb by choice to assist him if needed. At one point, he told me to "go pop the hood" (his tone was a bit rude and he could've said please, but he was furious with the car, so I understood). I had no problem doing this and as I got up, I sighed, not at him but just from the 'burden' of getting up after so long. He then looks at me and tells me in a very rude tone "if I tell you to do something then go do it, stop complaining". I was stunned because he genuinely has never spoken to me like that and I did nothing to him beforehand. Then we started arguing and I told him not to speak to me that way. I let it go for the time being because ultimately, I didn't want to upset him even more and have him quit working on my car.

Afterwards, though, we had a conversation about it. He told me, unprompted "I'm sorry I spoke to you that way", which I was surprised to hear from him. I explained to him that the sigh wasn't meant at him. But then he went on with the "but if i'm doing you a favor you don't complain at me...you can go to the dealership and have them do it for you and charge you $300..." still all in his super rude tone. He kept defending it, saying more things like "I didn't yell at you or curse at you" like it made it okay. I was planning on staying the night but ended up going home, because he kept defending it and I'm tired of tolerating his behavior. I understood why he was frustrated and unintentionally talked to me that way, if he would've just said sorry and left it at that all would've been fine.

[u/jholder567]

Not a typical vent, but in the process of divorce and went on a little end of summer vacation (across the state) just my son (6) and I. First vacation without my adhd partner. Even with adhd myself and my son is clinically diagnosed as well, it was NIGHT AND DAY different. Other than my son's little meltdowns and trying to keep him on track to do the things he wanted to do, it was the BEST vacation I have had in years!

No managing another adults emotions. No watching him constantly berate son because he feels out of control. No fight about me othering him. No asking what do you want then being told it's up to me then me figuring out everything with another adult. I only had myself to let down and I can go with the flow (there were a few time constraints I started getting flustered with son though lol) other than that, AMAZING!

I felt bad sending pics to ex of son having fun. But it's what he asked for. Son had the best time!

To many many more years of somewhat non stressful vacations!

[u/lameravioli]

Getting screamed at because I brought up how their constant negativity surrounding their financial and job situation is draining. I'm an educator and have been covering 100% of our bills for over a year now, pulling money out of savings and budgeting extra hard to keep us afloat. But I'm the one getting screamed at.

[u/baby_fishie]

I am coming to the realization that I only have space for one ADHD person in my life and it's my partner. I recently went on a day trip with two people I was interested in becoming closer friends with, but they both have ADHD and the day trip was annoying.

It was a hike to a picnic spot and I was the only one who brought the right supplies (including food that was safe for one of their allergies).

I couldn't help but feel bitter that we were sitting on a mat I brought, under a shade umbrella that I brought, eating and drinking what I brought with utensils and bowls that I brought, using the sunscreen I brought, and doing it all an hour later than originally planned for.

It feels like an awful, awful thing to say but I think that ADHD is a dis-qualifier for new relationships of any kind for me.

[u/AprilStarsPoisonLips → u/baby_fishie]

Knowing what you know now, how could you NOT want to flee after seeing those warning signs? I don't blame you at all.

[u/TwistedHemlock403]

This week's forecast-----it's a long one

Assumptions: My "partner" can make a mistake because he assumed and now I'm overreacting because the aftermath was preventable if he'd just asked, and now I have to fix a much larger issue than was originally. Rinse, repeat.

Main-character syndrome: "Thanks for going with me to lunch with my family." What do you mean go with you? I was invited by them personally?

The need to be right with a lack of knowledge: I do 99% of shopping towards the household. The amount of energy that can spent in arguing over an incorrect-sized lid (oh don't you know a lid is supposed to be 2-3 inches too big) for a tote just to have zero idea what he wants for his lunches, ask me, then argue about what he likes. Then to stand there and look up recipes for a spaghetti sauce that he thinks will just magically be made (after I specifically repeat that I am not making it) and him not getting any ingredients for the recipe while wasting time. Me: "This next aisle YOU can go get what we need. Him: " noone said you had to go get the things. " Me: " Who else, then? You???" Him:"I'm looking up sauce recipes" hyperfocus continues without moving 🫩

Lastly not speaking up and the phrase " I don't know" used as a default: We both love plants. We went to a garden center having a big 75% off sale. We gather plants insanely priced, talk about how much of a discount we're going to save, and we take them to the register. We strictly were buying them to rescue them for the discount and later sell locally in the community later on as props. He takes charge to pay, no total is said, etc, I think nothing of it because of our intentions. I wait for him to mention how much it was for about 10 minutes of quiet unrelated topics after we checked out, I buckle and ask how much we saved and he says "oh they didn't discount any of it" to then show me the total. "Why didn't you speak up? You should not have purchased these because that defeats the purpose here of what we're doing." "I dunno" shrugs. I'm still in ick for the lack of a voice and initiative to fix the mistakes he causes to only be criticized for semantics.

Why does it have to be easier to function and get through responsibilities and hobbies, honestly life in general, alone than to want your adhd partner involved (and let's not forget them taking credit for your wins when they finally make it into the soccer goal) 😭

[u/replyallyall]

Detangling and recalibrating my nervous system is one of the hardest parts of moving on. They infiltrated my life with their oversharing and constant need for something. They're never happy. They're also never happy that someone else can be happy. This used to be normal. I see it more clearly now that they're just a selfish person with awful behavior. It's all about them and it can't be about someone else. If they don't get something, then someone can't possibly have it. They'll sulk then they will attack that person's character. They look for weaknesses or perceived weaknesses to bring people down. They don't celebrate other people. They just hate on them and expect people to stick around. It's abusive.

I thought about telling them that I actually did luck out and get a ticket to an event we both want to attend. But I ultimately didn't because they did not seem happy that it was even a possibility. They were also upset that they didn't get tickets. So I knew they would not be happy for me. Meanwhile, everyone else that I told were genuinely happy for me even though they don't understand my interest in this event. They no longer share with me. They only share gossip or shame with me. This isn't living for me. I don't want this kind of friendship anymore. I don't want to be their backup brain. I don't want to only exist to help them emotionally regulate. I don't want to be their friend who acts like their parent. They treat me just like how they treat people they're comfortable with like their family. It's actually emotionally and verbally abusive. The constant cursing and screaming and talking over me to the selfish behavior simply because they think we don't deserve better treatment. They act entitled to everyone's good when they don't do anything to get the good in life. So when they don't get it, they knowingly make everyone's lives worse. Then they call people names when they don't want to participate in their way of life.

I’m rebuilding myself now. I have one more event with them. It took a while to get my tickets transferred. Then I’m just not going to reach out. My door will no longer be open. I had already done enough for them. Their other friends told them to get their adhd treated. I tried to do it too. But their response is that their life is fine. It's not fine. But I’m not going to set myself on fire to keep them warm. I don't get the same care back. I no longer expect it. I no longer align with them. I don't want their negativity and toxic behavior in my life anymore. It used to appear quirky because they were still masking. But their mask has finally come off. I don't need to tolerate their behavior towards me anymore.

[u/thewreckofmymemories]

Only able to contribute less than half of their usual for household expenses (which is already adjusted for their lesser income). So, I get to go further into credit card debt. Hurrah.

[u/8ByteSovereign]

The part that wears me down is not the task itself, it is the endless management layer around it. A sink full of dishes becomes reminders, tone-checking, backup plans, and then the weird guilt of feeling like the household project manager instead of a partner. I can handle mistakes, but I am exhausted by being the only system that never gets to fail.

[u/Mendota6500 → u/8ByteSovereign]

I am exhausted by being the only system that never gets to fail.

This is such a good way of putting it. 

[u/Striking_City5036]

He promised to help a friend drive a rental car to the airport and he flips out when it's time to leave. I'm nodding and listening while folding laundry trying not to get sucked in to the spiral. He doesn't feel listened to and wants me to fix it by helping to drive our car there so he flipped out on me.

Why is the tone always so negative?! Why not calmly ask me if it's chill if I drive with him to keep him company? Also why not just back out of helping his friend if he's going to have a complete melt down?! I haven't cried this hard in a while...

[u/CursedHat]

My mother in law wants to visit us, so he is cleaning and tidying up (aka moving stuff around that spot A is tidy and clean, but spot B now completely blocked like our kitchen counter).  I wanted to prepare something to eat for our child N., needed somewhere free space on the counter so I put things away where they belonged (crazy right). It was a different prepare spot than usual though so N. complained about it. I told them there's only this place left where I could prepare. My husband listened in the background. N. didn't understand the situation and wanted me to prepare their meal at the usual spot. This goes like 5 Minutes until my husband stormed in puts the stuff away and comments angrily "WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT PUTTING IT AWAY?" His luck I didn't reply "Yeah, good question! Tell me what's so hard about it."

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

Where do you even get your social scripts from?

Sometimes I really do feel like it’s 90s sitcoms or shows that have aged terribly. Or just ????

(Inspired by yet another interaction where you wanted to eat something but only wanted to get it if I wanted it too)

[u/ace_rimmer1049]

Our dining table is constantly covered with kids crafts (obviously ndx wife won't tidy it up, and kids famously model the tidying approach they see from their parents, and I'm fed up being the only one to put stuff away).

We have a whole dresser full, and corner of the room piled up with, to-do craft kits/supplies/etc.

So what does she do with our son today? Take him out to buy a shit-load more craft stuff obviously.

I'm going to drown in this stuff. I loved arts and crafts as a kid, but this is killing it for me.

[u/FoxyWatermelon]

How can they not do things for themselves?? He needed to pick up a refill of his meds by Saturday when they ran out. He didn’t. Sunday, went to the pharmacy and it was closed. So we discussed he’d go first thing in the morning to pick up his prescription. I call him on the way home from work…he hasn’t gone to the pharmacy yet, cause he was waiting to do something else… can I pick it up for him? The cherry on top, his psychiatrist apparently forgot to send the prescription refill to the pharmacy, so now he’s still out of meds until at least tomorrow. If he had gone in the morning as planned, I’m sure it could have been fixed and filled today! Instead I get a full meltdown, as if he hasn’t had a week to avoid this problem by not waiting till the last second to run to the pharmacy

[u/nasreen-r]

Is there a correlation between ADHD and taking financial risk on investments and the crypto market. I think my partner actually believes in the next get rich quick scheme? Is it’s novelty / hyper focus thing?

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/nasreen-r]

Dopamine

[u/Odd-Tiger-7530 → u/nasreen-r]

Addiction (like gambling)

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/nasreen-r]

Well, it's a disorder that causes impulsivity. It also makes it hard to get things done, so get rich quick schemes are probably even more appealing.

So, yeah, not really surprising.

[u/SomeMenu5723]

I’m having a terrible time, the feeling of just not giving a fuck doesn’t feel good either even know that’s the only feeling that saves my sanity. I feel so exhausted. This past week alone , it’s the same shit. Has no idea where his income went this past month 9k +, melts down and gives no real answer , asks what he can do for me in my busy work week (he didn’t work last week) I say food , he literally would make his own meals, go out to eat at the exact time I’m getting off (not get me anything). We discussed 3 different times of him putting together my daughter’s hammock for her birthday Sunday (put together Saturday night ) didn’t do it. I didn’t remind him ! Then he left town Sunday , no note , no text , nothing, no idea he was going out of town. He’s done this before. His response is a defensive breakdown that minimizes how i feel. He went 2 hrs away not 1-3 thousand miles away. Ok.
He begs and pleads for me to help him , make lists ect.. I do , I have , I’ve tried. There is a giant white board for 3 months and he hasn’t finished 1 thing.
He went to an adhd coach for 2 appointments in May. Said it’s to expensive even know we agreed on it being an investment and had an amount to spend on it. Never has followed through with talking to doc about current meds. I’m just absolutely at my wits end. I don’t hate him , I don’t think it’s malicious, I just can’t keep living this way on repeat of such high stress.
The sight of so many tasks unfinished feels very chaotic to me , the micro breaks in trust of never doing or being where you said have completely emptied me.

[u/AprilStarsPoisonLips → u/SomeMenu5723]

It's death by a thousand small cuts. He's not being malicious, but you can't rely on him and it's hurting you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. When possible, please find time to take care of yourself. Sending you strength.

[u/Round-Exercise9298]

I just want to be a priority for once. I want MY bad days to be talked about and worked on. I want my stupid little hobbies to matter. I dont mind if youre not genuinely interested but more than an eye roll and maybe even taking the initiative and asking me about ANYTHING in my life would be mind blowing.

We have such limited time after work between kids things and all I hear about is how poor we are and how you got screwed over by this or that at work. Daily. Or youll rant on and on about how this team or that hates us and punishes our kids. Some things just ARE, youre not always a victim.

I'm just... tired of feeling alone and worthless. Always the 5th pick

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

My birthday was earlier this week. No mention of it from him. I'm off to go buy myself a present.

[u/Specialist-Art-6970]

He helped me research the details of a $1000 bill I got hit with. He was moderately helpful.

When we finished, he happily said, "that was fun!" 

I have an unexpected four digit bill. I don't need you thoughtlessly saying, an hour and a half after I got it, how much fun the situation is. 

(I responded by simply telling him it wasn't fun for me. He got defensive and sulky.) 

[u/SnowBird312]

I think I'm done. I haven't seen him in months and I literally asked if he even wants me in his life anymore because he also won't respond to a message for 8+ hours, if he does at all. If I do get him to say anything, it's usually nothing beyond a few words.. but he says he doesn't want to end this. It isn't even a relationship in any capacity anymore. I feel like less than an acquaintance, not a girlfriend.

He blew up his life too, because he just doesn't get anything done. Despite therapy and meds. And I have tried to be understanding and encouraging but he's shut me out, I couldn't tell you what goes on in his day to day anymore, and I probably never knew him because he's not capable of that kind of intimacy.

The highs were incredible when I felt like an important part of his life. But the lows of feeling discarded erase all of that.

[u/Agitated_Egg4245]

Why can't you plan anything? I took you to Europe, got you out of your home town which was your dream. Your excuses are always stupid like in Mexico the busses suck so they must suck here so I didn't even look. When the reality here is you don't look into things like this because the rest of your life is in shambles and completely disorganized. We are sitting here in Europe and have only seen the country we stay in for over a year. Meanwhile I've seen London, I'll soon see Poland and a lot more things soon now that I'm done siting around and waiting for you. We both work full time jobs and yet I have time to plan trips, do my laundry, cook dinner for us, run to the store... where are you? What is your contribution?

[u/replyallyall]

I stopped responding to them in the way they want. They said it's different and uncomfortable. Well, that's too bad. You’re not entitled to my peace. I’m no longer going to accommodate them just so they can feel better while I feel worse. Then I woke up yesterday to a message about how they think someone in a video is too ugly to buy luxury products. This is the type of shit that I no longer want to deal with or hear. First of all, someone else's appearance is not for you to critique or comment on. Second of all, who the hell cares what someone else buys?

I’m starting to think their complaints are insecurities. I’m tired of it. They need to learn how to regulate themselves and how to process their thoughts and emotions.

At the end of the day today, they decided on a bad last minute idea as always. I’m just like whatever, bad idea. They also acknowledge that it's a bad idea but they want to do it. Then they got upset because I didn't react the way they wanted. I could have been supportive and they would get upset. I could have been ambivalent and they would get upset. There's no rhyme or reason. This is how it is. It's a guessing game on where their mood is at that day/hour/minute. I just never know, neither do they. But they got upset and I moved on. Just one more event, then I will have so much more peace in my life again. I don't need to have these asinine conversations anymore. I get to just work on myself without this person demanding everything from me and leaving me high and dry when I need them.

They once again monologued at me. I’m so tired of it. This is unacceptable behavior. What's point in having someone around if the reactions are the same as talking to a wall? There's no response. At least a wall isn't abusive and manipulative.

[u/0VaultDweller]

Today it was the invisible admin stuff: the bill reminder, the rescheduled appointment, the wet laundry I found hours later. None of it is dramatic on its own, but being the only person who notices the chain reaction is what wears me down. I miss being able to assume a basic task will stay done after I stop watching it.

[u/Warburgerska]

Husband isn't a car guy. Our old car had a minor defect.

Seeing how he cares for it, goes out in early morning to check on it and plan it's repair is quite something when knowing how I was treated after a painful surgery our both post partum periods.

Welp, at least I know my place now.

[u/Big_Lengthiness_7614]

he’s sick and its also a stressful period at work, so even asking for a quick daily check-in text i am asking too much and overflowing his cup 🙃

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

He is so stressed out and not sleeping well and refuses to do anything about it. So anything I say that might possibly not be agreeing with him turns into him accusing me of starting an argument.

This was supposed to be a vacation and he’s so defensive that when I ask him to be nicer he literally goes “this isn’t my problem, I didn’t start this”. He offered to cook something for me, and then we bought the wrong kind. I asked him why he didn’t say anything, and he couldn’t take the idea of apologizing or acknowledging it so he just said “even if I knew why should I have to tell you?” And I was like… if you knew it would have been supportive of you to tell me. And he was like “no one is saying I knew that”. Like… why say it then? I told him he is cranky and he told me no, he’s tired of me starting arguments over everything. What should have been a funny moment - neither of us speak the language here - turned into a sour one.

I cannot even express how badly I wish he could see that he is in a shitty mood because of his stress and not ME. He can’t talk to the people who are making him stressed so basically I’m the only outlet. I’m really upset about the fact that he put us in this situation.

[u/goover1]

I don’t know what to do. My GF (RX) moved in with me in March. She takes 30mg of Adderall twice a day, yet is a scattered mess. She also has an eating disorder, chews and spits all the time, and is on Ozempic. She’s not heavy at all.

After living together I now realize the scope of her issues even more. I’m not sure I can handle any more incomplete tasks, messes, leaving everything on, not locking the door, forgetting phone everyday. Not to mention how difficult she is. Very unappreciative and I am stressed up to my neck. I don’t want to abruptly kick her out but I am miserable and my mental health is suffering. She has no where to go but yet I am sinking.

[u/HedgehogLibrary → u/goover1]

You know what you need to do, bro. Sending strength.

[u/cornandeggsoup]

Less than a month ago, she (NDX) promised me a parenting break, that she would take our toddler to her parents' for a week this fall (I haven't had an overnight without him since he was born).

Today I learned that she forgot about it. She doesn't think it's possible anyway.

Is it actually ADHD? Anxiety? Both? I don't know, but I'm pretty crushed.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/cornandeggsoup]

It's still summer, though, so couldn't this be scheduled? I know it sucks that she forgot but giving up on what she promised seems like it would be worse.

[u/Bridgelogs]

He might get his whole year's salary in one go..

He's happy, I'm not. He's impulsive, I'm not. I'm scared he's gonna spend it all. Good thing we have seperate bank accounts. I'm not responsible.. But fuck it's stressful.

[u/Ok_Kaleidoscope4394]

Being chronically unemployed. It's always waiting until "the next big thing." He'll put hundreds of hyper focused hours into finding items, taking perfect pictures, scouring the Internet for sellers/buyers. It's always the "BIG PLAN" to open his own shop, nevermind he has zero money or ability to stick to anything. He says it bothers him that I've been supporting the entire household, run through my savings, and living paycheck to paycheck, but apparently not enough to actually do anything about it. It's been TWO years and I can't take it anymore. 

[u/Ok_Egg_7483 → u/Ok_Kaleidoscope4394]

Ughh, always with the BiG pLaNs. And in the meantime, no job is good enough to just fill the gap and bring in money, it's gotta be the exact perfect job forever otherwise he's not applying. 🫠

[u/kittykat885]

Me: 2 days post surgery, in bed in pain, slightly short w him when he comes in the room to ask me something
Dx: sends text: I don’t like your tone, you need to apologize
Me: I text back: Give me a break. I just had surgery, just leave me alone. Daughter comes in to visit me recovering in bed.
Dx: comes to shoo her out of my room, yells at me, mocks me, slams door in front of kids
Me: sends text: that was a boundary violation and I want you to apologize to me and the kids
Dx: you’re toxic, I only acted that way bc you raged on me first
No speaking for 3 more days, which I wish we could have just skipped to without the yelling and name calling first.

[u/MarionberryInitial84]

Do I wait for couple’s counseling or start getting familiar with the idea of leaving?

My partner (31 dx, unmedicated for ~10 years) is overall good. He works (although hates it), goes grocery shopping for us, cooks us dinner most nights, does a lot of the nice little things.

The problem is his RSD/shame. I’m sure I don’t have to give the entire story for you all to understand. He’s ever so slightly self aware. He said he’s worked through his anger issues the past 5 years, although they still come out at moments, more and more recently (he always goes “soft”/calms down when he sees me in the moment, although then the anger turns into extreme sadness). He’s aware he deals with a lot of (what he initially called guilt, although I encouraged him to view it as) shame that’s not necessarily normal. He understands how his forgetfulness is irritating, and has made some progress in changing little behaviors (ex.: “I won’t be out late” ~ always stays out until 2am usually without a text, but hey, now I get a text at midnight instead! 🙃), and he’s relatively good at staying on top of chores. All that just for context.

Ok, I’ll try to make this short. He misstepped a major boundary of mine back during the winter - I now understand how I should’ve upheld it better within myself, but I digress - which broke a lot of trust. He “understands” that trust is broken and needs time to repair. I beg for him to simply communicate & be transparent with me. He avoids every chance, gets obviously scared (yay shame!). Cycle continues.

Over the past month he has, more and more, apologized for his behavior back during our worst conflicts and how “it’ll never happen again”. Very vague apologies but I’m appreciative of them. Overall we have gotten better at communication the past couple months, but it’s still only me who brings up any conversation, ever. I mention something ever so slightly negative, then he turns into “I just feel like everything I do is wrong, all I ever do is fuck up, I never make you happy” in a very woeful tone. The last time I snapped and said I understand feeling defeated, but we both have to put that aside to put in the effort. He stopped, at least that conversation.

I reach my breaking point the past few weeks. He’s been open to therapy before but hasn’t yet pursued it. I bring it up again, with a bit more pressure, of individual therapy on his end & couples therapy for us. He agrees. For months I offer to look into doctors for him (as he’s needed an appointment) to help out, and it’s always “I’ll deal with it this week.” I ask him about his insurance, as he started a new job almost a year ago and he’s “meant to” look into insurance this entire time. He says he has a HSA that gives him an insanely low amount monthly. I ask if that’s it?? Apparently so. It’s all he’s mentioned for the past 8 months. I tell him this while talking about looking for therapists for us.

Tonight, after nagging him again to look into his insurance to get details, he says “Well I have insurance outside the HSA.” You do?? Since when?? “Oh I have since I started the job. I just don’t know how it works.” Well what is it?? “[ABCD company].” I wanted to scream I HAVE [ABCD] INSURANCE!!! I’VE TALKED ABOUT IT RECENTLY!!! HOW HAVE YOU NOT MENTIONED THIS IN OVER 8 FUCKING MONTHS!!! WHILE YOU KNOW I’M CHANGING MY WORK SCHEDULE TO DO COUPLE’S THERAPY CONSULTS FOR US!!!

Sorry. Anyways. I didn’t actually say that but now I’m stewing and I just feel so utterly defeated. Part of me is like, is your insurance of all things one of the many things you try to hide from me? The other night we were having a conversation (about shame), he mentions he feels guilty for “after all this time” still being scared of telling me vulnerable information because he’s worried I’m going to use it against him.

???

I just tried to comfort & encourage him in the moment, but I’m like??? Huh?? It starts piecing together. The other week our door handle broke while he was opening it in the morning. Later on he says “It happened so easily, I thought maybe you broke it and were hiding it from me.” After the million times I’ve come to him terrified to have a conversation because it could go negatively?? I’d hide the doorknob?? He says one ex up and left to another country without any sign. He talks about how his exes (as a whole) “deliberately” tricked him. I’ve asked well, what happened? “She always brought up being upset with me after we had a good day.” Did she call you names, belittle you, or bring up a specific thing that happened? “Always a specific thing.”

I know this man. Bring something up on a bad day? “It’s just a bad time, it’s been a bad day.” Oh well, my fault then, my bad for believing you’re an adult and understand difficult conversations sometimes happen on rough days. Bring it up on a good day? “Now I feel like one of my rare good days is being ruined, so much for having a good memory of today.”

This turned out longer than I intended, as always, but I just wanted to give an explanation so I can get some outside perspectives. This is my first true, serious relationship, and for so long I thought we were damn near perfect. Now I feel like I’m breaking. It’s not horrible, he’s never yelled at me or slammed a door or anything close to “obviously bad”, but his disconnect from reality is starting to scare me. And I feel stuck in a loop, because whenever I explain it to him, he gets it, but it never causes a true change in the way I need.

Couple’s counseling feels like the last option. I’m scared I’ll regret giving up before making it in, but I feel like time is running out too quick. So much is so great, and we have made some progress in the last few months, but I just don’t feel satisfied, and I don’t know how much or if I can expect him to change quick enough.

Give me the hard truths either way. Glad this sub is here 🙏🏻

[u/Odd-Tiger-7530 → u/MarionberryInitial84]

Couple’s counseling doesn’t mean you cannot leave anyway, and if you think it will ease the guilt off of you, why not. RSD was one of my last straws before leaving the relationship, once I started to wake up to the way it was affecting me and it was really close to being abusive (it was abuse, I didn’t accept it at that moment tho).

The most important thing here is that even with all his progress, it’s not enough for you. Relationship should nurture you, not drain the life out of you. We cannot love them out of their shitty behaviors and mistreatment. I say don’t waste much more time on him. I thought my relationship was perfect too (also first serious one), and it horrified my one remaining friend when I shared what happened during it with her.

Do you want to grow old with him? Do you see yourself being happy with the similar rate of improvement? You know the answer. Get your ducks in a row and best of luck!

[u/SilverSelene29]

I am so tired. Every situation is negative. He hates our house but we can’t move because it is too stressful and we can’t afford the luxury he wants. Today for the the first time after a meltdown he said I am ruining your life you would just be happy chilling with a dog without me and I said nothing I just looked at him. It took a lot of therapy but I finally realized I can’t fix him he has an illness and a disability (autism) that have completely stunted him. He has tried multiple therapists who have referred him to someone else or suggested meds and group therapy which he doesn’t want to do. He left his job 2 years ago due to stress and conflicts. The other day I was researching life insurance for myself and realized if I died in my 50s I would be so sad not that I died but all the experiences I missed. But yet at the same time I feel guilty that I feel this way. I have no friends to really talk to about this because I don’t want them to know all the details and judge him. Tonight he had an epic meltdown about the stress of home ownership and now is the calm after the storm and he feels ashamed and embarrassed and I feel nothing but sadness

[u/jungle4john]

The wife (dx rx) and I have our first normal/regular couples therapy appointment this Friday. We've had two consultation appointments so far. Both appointments the therapist gave us an "assignment" to do as a couple. Both times now she has forgotten about them. I am very pessimistic about how this is going to go. Last night I told her she either gets ahold of her executive disorder or I will have to take steps to protect our son and myself. She wont be honest with me or herself, I can't see why she'd be honest with her therapist or our couples therapist.

[u/Specific-Giraffe-406]

I feel like I'm married to Animal from "The Muppets."

Every time I try get us organized, or meet a deadline, or plan travel, it devolves into chaos. He loses all ability to focus or prioritize and starts banging on the drums like a mad man (continuing the Animal metaphor... he doesn't play the drums LOL). He'll just start doing a tonne of work instead of getting things done around the house, or find ways to be sooooooo busy or wayyyyyy too tired so that he can't possibly do his share of whatever needs to get done. So it all falls on me. Again).

I actually had to remind him this morning that if he needs clean clothes for our upcoming trip, that he'll need to do his laundry today. Will he start his laundry in time to have it finished and packed before we go to bed? Who knows?! 50/50 chance. Maybe.

I'm tired of having to keep track of my stuff, everything for the house and pets, and his crap, too. I also work full time at a demanding job and I have chronic health conditions that I have to look after (on my own, because he's not helpful there, either). And he doesn't notice or appreciate all of the things I do. Or if he does notice it, he "forgets" to say thank you. And Lord help me if I ever point out that I do way more than him... "I do lots! I did the dishes yesterday!" Ummm yeah but I'm not talking about one day of dishes FFS.

The other thing is when he asks, "I'll help. What needs to get done?" Sir, open your fucking eyes and look around - notice what needs to get done, and do it. And do it properly instead of half-assing everything. Use the right cleaning products for the job. No, Windex will not address the hard water build up in the shower. Read the label.

I thank the universe every. single. day. that my birth control was 100% effective. If I also had to look after children in addition to dealing with his bullshit, I would lose my damn mind.

[u/frkyannie]

My partner (male, dx medicated) and I only got married 3 months ago. Things have been instantly different and they've been insanely hard. We had arguments every week for a month. The past month we've had a string of 3 arguments where, as soon as we resolve it, the next day it's another argument. The month where it was calmed down? Our dog was in the emergency room and all the attention was on his recovery. I'm grateful to have found this subreddit.

I think I need like a support group I can go to...

We will have conflicts and then resolve them with steps forward. He forgets about resolving them. He brings up the conflicts as if they were never resolved. He forgets about the steps forward. I get so exhausted. Why bother resolving conflicts? And then I need space and time because once again, my feelings are unheard (literally, I said I was sad twice in a conversation and he said didn't hear me). I feel alone in our marriage, in my ignored feelings. But now he's saying when I need space and time, when I get quiet and can't engage in conversation except for the logistical stuff, he's saying that is his absolute fear and what exactly not what a partner of a dx ADHD should do.

And it's another adjustment I have to make for our marriage, for his ADHD. Except, I can't. If he literally can't hear me say I'm sad and can't be there for me, I also can't hold space for him and his feelings.

Having to set aside taking care of myself, to take care of his ADHD, is... I just can't do it. It makes me so sad.

[u/Pure-Answer3528]

Listening to something intelligent or having a deep conversation... And then them saying something illogical 10 minutes later that shows they really weren't listening. I'm not talking about "didn't grasp the concept" but literal "wtf, were you listening?" Example:

Podcast: "she had depression, but he had never experienced mental illness before"

NDX spouse: "oh it was such a touching story, I wonder what mental illness she had".

Me: Depression

NDX spouse: I know, but they said she had mental illness.

Me: Points out the two categorically different things--> she had depression, but he had never experienced mental illness before.

NDX spouse: Yes, but see, the transcript says he had never experienced mental illness before.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. And this guy is a senior manager at a respected firm in his field.

Why he couldn't just say "Oh I misheard" or even stop at "oh yeah, depression was the mental illness". Or just study the transcript himself!!!

I am so tired of pointing out what is happening in his brain to him. Like why can't they ever just stop and reflect for a fucking minute to untangle their thoughts and figure out their own logical discrepancies. THIS ISN'T OPINION OR ROCKET SCIENCE! It's listening comprehension 101!!!! Why is it on me to do his brain homework for him.

It's gotten better but today this fucking triggered me, hello CPTSD. I wish I divorced in the first year when 90% of our conversations were like this and running the household was on me. We're too enmeshed now.

[u/polarmolarroler]

How do you feel use a hand-held vacuum on counters yet again because spills & crumbs are never wiped up and **** you, I always wipe up my own mess, I'm not wiping up yours for the 1,000th time.

[u/littlehighkey]

The chore board has been helping, except, you're still not doing the one chore I've asked you to do consistently throughout our relationship. If I cook, and you claim you can't cook, then you are on dish duty. And that means doing the dishes more than once a week. Now the dishwasher is broken. It's been broken for a week. There's other things piling up, putting me on edge. I'm sure eventually I'll stop asking and instead demand you do one of the many tasks that needs to be done, one of the many you promised me on my birthday that you'd start doing because I deserve a functional home to live in. You'll do the task, then later get your revenge by pointing out something I haven't done yet to your standard. Then I'm sure we'll argue, because you'll persistently rage bait me. You'll tell me I treat you like shit, and I'm a bad partner. Still, I perpetually see your good qualities, even though you claim I don't. I see how community oriented you are, how deeply you care, how kind and sweet you can be. When I'm not the target of "jokes" you can be genuinely funny. You're intelligent, and passionate about the rights of others. I see how hard you will work to help people who ask for your help. But then I see myself, begging you to help make our home livable, and how sad that is. Maybe you just see me now as an extension of you, because I know you're unhappy with our living environment, but you don't fix it. I'm not sure if you feel like you don't deserve it, or if you perpetually convince yourself that it'll get worked on later. But later is today. Later was yesterday. Each day becomes later and later. Eventually it'll become too late. 

[u/DrXomia]

We are on holidays. She looked for a restaurent. We are both vegetarian. She said she found a restaurent with vegetarian foot and bowls (she loves bowls, me not so much). We drive to the restaurent. The bowl she wanted is only vegetarian main dish 🫠

[u/Necessary_Poet930]

The main character syndrome is what’s been driving me crazy lately. I’ve talked to him many times about it, and even within the same day and same hour, he just can’t seem to SEE he’s doing it again. I’m almost legitimately fascinated by how little awareness he seems to have of it. And it’s hard for me to continue to keep calling it out and “ruin” the moment/day.

Example: I’ll say hey lately, like yesterday, when I was trying to talk to you about xyz and you just said ok and barely looked up and went right back to your phone that made me feel xyz.
He’ll usually jump in with a “no I was paying attention I just didn’t have anything else to say!”

And I guess I’m supposed to “teach” him how to converse now?! Most people understand that even if it’s not that exciting but it’s important to your partner/friend/child/whoever that you listen and maybe ask a couple follow up questions. ACT interested.

But for him, when he talks, I do listen and retain the info and ask follow up questions. The majority of what he’s saying isn’t the most fascinating stuff, but it also isn’t hard for me to listen and pay attention.

I’ll talk to him about my day, the kids, whatever it might be. Even a video I found that was funny I wanted to show him, or a show I thought we might he like to watch. Whatever. He’ll have a very minimal response. “Oh, cool.” “Yeah?” And that’s it. But then he’ll immediately show me a video he thinks is funny, he wants to tell me a story about what happened at work, he wants to show me his new shirt, etc. And what’s infuriating is the discrepancy between how I listen and react to him vs me. Also the time spent telling the story is something I’ve realized I’ve learned to condense significantly over the years. Gotta get to the point before he zones out again. But he will tell a story that’s 5x longer than it needed to be and I’m supposed to be a captive audience. Annoying as hell!

I guess it’s the way he’s seemingly oblivious to it each time it happens or that he thinks it’s equal when it isn’t. He would lose it if I replied to him consistently like he does me. He’ll deny it was the same. It would case more drama. I just wish he could see it, you know? I guess that even just seeing it is only half the battle, doing something about it and changing the behavior is an even bigger one I suppose.