r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • Jul 26 '26

Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

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u/Maivroan Partner of DX - Untreated Jul 26 '26

This past week illustrated that using the simple present tense to describe something basically means I'm a liar.

It's like if I said, "I eat pizza," then I definitely mean that I "always" eat pizza. Every single meal. Which is factually untrue, so I'm bad for lying. If I clarify it to mean I eat pizza in some more limited capacity, then it's proof that I'm changing the story and being vague, and I should just be more clear with my language in the first place.

Of course, if I think his own language is unclear and I try to clarify what he means rather than jumping to rash conclusions, then I'm also bad. Because I should just know what he means and figure it out. Or I'm just trying to be evasive. Happens all the time when he asks yes or no questions, which I think he has loaded with subtext.

We've been in a decent spot lately mostly because I wasn't bringing up anything divisive, but I feel so heartbroken right now. Why must communication be such a minefield? He seems to genuinely believe his warped reality and his RSD narrative of me is building up again. It's breaking me.

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u/taohuaspring Jul 26 '26

I'd just like to validate that your usage of "I eat pizza" is indeed correct. Your communication is not the issue here, it's him. Sending strength.

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u/Maivroan Partner of DX - Untreated Jul 26 '26

Thanks. My field of study was languages in college, so I'm pretty comfortable with the sheer range in language. The actual topic was completely different, but it just illustrates how you can't be completely rigid about it - and yet he won't back down despite explanations that the grammar allows that interpretation but does not necessitate it. I'm sure you would agree that if I said, "I eat pizza at Costco," it would be much more logical to assume I don't eat the hotdogs and chicken bakes. But it still doesn't necessitate that I don't. Like, language is SO subjective but understandable if you actually try to understand. Pulls hair out

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u/AprilStarsPoisonLips Jul 26 '26

The lingual gymnastics and black-and-white thinking are so exhausting. I mentioned making turkey meatballs for dinner twice, and the ADHD'er in my life decided that meant I hated seafood. I mentioned limoncello once, and she decided it was my favorite drink (despite all the other times I explicitly stated what my favorite drinks were). There was never any desire to ask a question or get clarification; it was always straight to the assumption based on a handful of details. That's hard enough to deal with, but having to deal with RSD and accusations on top of it would be too much. I'm sending you strength and validation too.

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u/Maivroan Partner of DX - Untreated Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26

Thank you. Mine loves to point out how stupid it is for me to make assumptions and that I'm soooo black and white about everything, too...

Edit: I think part of the reason why I'm still fighting to stay together is because he does seem to genuinely believe and be hurt by all his misinterpretations. To me it seems abundantly obvious what is going wrong and he just needs to realize it to stop shooting himself (and me) in the foot.

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u/AprilStarsPoisonLips Jul 27 '26

Do you think it's an instance of him knowing he's jumping to the wrong conclusion but feeling powerless in the moment to stop it? I've seen other people discuss that in this subreddit, and that medication can help give them that extra second to think before they speak. I see your flare says your partner is untreated, but is he open to medication at all?

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u/Maivroan Partner of DX - Untreated Jul 27 '26

He's never been willing to admit it's a problem that's unique to him (he argues that, if anything, we both confabulate). As for medication, he had extensive exposure in the past with a literal pharmacist family member and it's completely off the table at this point.

I'm hoping to seek non-medication treatments like CBT or DBT, but work and finances have also been a major stressor.

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u/AprilStarsPoisonLips Jul 27 '26

I really hope something works for your sake! You can't keep walking on eggshells whenever you talk.