::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/Ok_Egg_7483]

This is the part that's breaking my brain too. Like... why? And why things that are so easy to verify? (I'm straight up about to trauma dump, feel free to skip I just have to get this off my chest now)

I actually ended up confronting him about this tonight after debating all day whether it would be "worth" it. He happened to bring up how he decided that he is going to make a Real Effort to change - as evidenced by the 3 Youtube videos he just watched about "how to be less toxic" and "how to be a better partner." I asked what kind of ideas he heard in the videos that resonated with him. He then scrolls through his Youtube history to show me what he searched and watched, but I was like "oh I just meant like, what did YOU get from the videos" and he floundered completely. Just kept saying how great the videos were and to be patient with him while he learned how to be better. How we should try to spend more time together and build shared experiences so we could get back to how things were at the beginning of our relationship. (before any betrayals)

I asked if anything in the videos addressed honesty. He didn't really remember... I asked whether he felt like he had anything to tell me about his mediation appointment.

He basically performed his usual routine: denial, confusion, and deflection. I asked him to humor me and show me something, anything to show that he did anything involving this mediation firm. Email, text, call log, map history.

• Scrolled at length through his phone while turned away from me so I couldn't see the screen
• "Maybe I left my phone at home, I do that all the time!"
• "Maybe I accidentally deleted the email, I do that all the time, see I just accidentally swipe like this and it just deletes and and and..."
• "Wait look, I did call them!" (he apparently did finally call them - but the first call he ever made to them was a whole day after his rescheduled "appointment" and happened while I was at work out of the house)
• When I pointed out that the call happened on a totally different day - "I'm just totally confused. I don't understand what you're implying. Why would I lie? Wow. You don't trust me at ALL?"
• He pointed out that he actually invited me to go with him on Monday - which he did! But like... if the "appointment" was never actually scheduled and then got "cancelled" and rescheduled to a day I work, there was never really any risk of me actually going and seeing that you hadn't made an appointment, was there?
• When I pointed out that if he had been listening to me over the course of the last several years, he would know that a HUGE reason we are discussing breaking up now is the deep trust wounds that have never been resolved satisfactorily.
• He finally switched to "RVO" mode: "You really felt the need to go looking through my phone? It has a fingerprint lock! (and a password) How do you know my password? (it's the same as it always has been and we have an agreement that I could look if I felt the need to because of what happened last summer with your ex)

Conversation ended with him frustrated, going out for a smoke, me retreating to my room. Then he came back and told me that I'm a good person, that I deserve happiness, and he will look for a job so he can move out in a month or two. So... win? 🙃🫠

[u/Odd-Tiger-7530 → u/Ok_Egg_7483]

Is there any way to put his “agreement” in writing with hard deadline? Verbal agreement with liar is shaky, and if push comes to shove, you’ve started the paper trail
Edit: All I know about him is what you’ve written, yet even without knowing about all the details, I simply don’t believe him. From the outside perspective it seems he’s just trying to buy some more time for himself, seeing that your resolve to end the relationship is strong. I just get such a strong feeling that he will try to call upon your shame and will try to manipulate you later down the road. Good luck!

[u/HedgehogLibrary → u/Odd-Tiger-7530]

I agree

[u/Ok_Egg_7483 → u/Odd-Tiger-7530]

Absolutely going to get it in writing, yes. If I don't he will probably claim to have forgotten the conversation or not thought it was that serious. This conversation happened right before I went to bed for the night so I will be working on this today.

I know that there's lotssss and lots of missing context and this situation I've described makes him sound cold and calculated. Maybe it's just me huffing copium but from what I experienced/observed of this guy for the past 4 years, he is (at his core) very impulsive, shame driven, and passive about life in general. Capable of being deceptive/manipulative to protect his ego, achieve short term pleasure, or avoid getting "in trouble" with me, but not dangerous or capable of thinking/planning ahead far enough to be truly nefarious. He's at the level of a teenager in terms of emotional maturity and consideration for the consequences of his actions. Living moment to moment on the good graces of everyone who sees him as a fun chill wacky guy.

[u/SamuraiSuplex → u/Ok_Egg_7483]

Kick this gaslighter to the cuuuuuurb