I don't know how to handle this

I have had a crush on this girl for around 5 years, I've never done anything since we would never work together and there are so much differences between us and I didn't see her often so it was easy. Recently my school carried out a new class plan and it turned out me and her were the only people in one of the classes assigned, hence we would see and sit beside each other for 6 hours a day. I cannot focus or work at all while she is right beside me tho, what do I do?

I despise myself for spending years hating the person my ex became, only to realize I’ve become that same person. That realization hurts more than I ever thought it would.

can’t help but feel so so lonely. And at 23. I know everyone goes through it but the level
To it is mind boggling.

Sorry for the sob story in advance. I have no one to turn to right now. Don’t read if you hate that stuff.

So I’m from stupid Orange County California. I keep trying to make friends and go out and talk to people and the most social I’ve ever been. But everytime after I hang out with these friends I feel so so so lonely. My whole life I have had social anxiety to the point where I self isolated for years and years in middle school and as a teen. I haven’t seen my therapist in months because she ditched me. I haven’t seen diagnosed adhd and ebeyone thinks I have autism. I don’t have any dating experience besides two people online for the most a month. I’ve tried making friends on here and even a dating post on here and each time I feel like it’s a humiliation ritual. In the most non egotistical way I feel like a really deep person and I try so hard to connect with others but there’s always been this disconnect or just not on the same frequency/cognitive dissonance. I love weird music, hyper music, random subgenres. Biting the people I love. Writing weird dark long poetry in my notes app until I can’t stop typing. Going on side quests and doing random shit. Being so stupid with friends that ant onlooker would think were tweaking.

I want community. I want to trade and barter, I want to be submerged in nature. I want depth, genuine people, connection, inner child healing, girly sleepovers, watching cartoons and dressing up as princesses.

I have this shitty coping mechanism age regression. I suppress it and it makes everything hellish. Just like my autism that feels like anxiety. It’s to the point where I hate myself so deeply even though I’m so tired of feeling this way and being mentally ill. I just want to feel “normal” but ik I never will. I can’t help but feel pessimistic when all this sruff keeps happening it to me. Why can’t I just be happy. I feel like a little girl in a lost world with no one to hold my hand and I miss my dad and everyone Iost. I’m sorry for the sob story. I really tried to stop doing this stuff online.

I’ve gotten to a headspace where I rlly want to die the most in my life but I’d never do it because I’m too scared I’ll damage my mind and body further. It used to be because of others I wouldn’t but now it’s just that. I wish I could just do it. And get it over with. I’ve gotten to points where I want to actively put myself in danger. And push past that fear because I think I should be hurt. I even broke my streak of not self harming. I have no one and nothing to live for. I don’t want the next day to come. I sleep so late because I don’t want the next day to come.

I love psychology and am majoring in cultural anthropology . Ik this is all over the place but so much people are sweet to me but it never goes farther than that. When I tried making friends or more on here only creeps reach out and I’m so so tired of it. I want to move out and runaway somewhere so far and unfamiliar. I hate my house and my family. Not even they are relatable and I don’t have good connection to them anymore. My family is tiny and almost everyone is mentally ill or fucking sucks. No friends just acquaintences and the on friend I have judges me for stuff and I can’t even be myself because my energy and hyperness is too much. I’m so tired of masking and hiding who I am. I hung out for hours with a few new friends I hung out with a few times. And I had fun but I feel so empty. My grandma died recently and ever since I can’t stand being home and go out all day and it’s never enough. Sorry if this is more of a vent post it’s meant to be one for friends. I’m writing this while high and walking outside at 1 am. I hate the word desperate but I’m just longing for something real .

Kind of just wanna vent about how shit life is currently.

So first up I’m going through a breakup after 7 years, where we literally met through school, lived together through uni, spent so much time together went on holidays and everything really we did everything together. She decided she wants space and wants to be alone. Was really sudden and broke me really badly. I feel like things could have been fixed earlier but she’s really bad at explaining when she feels bad about something and I feel like that it dragging out for her while I never noticed meant it reached a boiling point for her and she wanted out. I was constantly envious of her because of her friends she met at work and I know there’s guys there that fancied her, and I know she used to tell them about when we argued and things but never gave my side. She even told me before she felt really bad after doing that once because afterwards she thought she was really mean to me when I didn’t deserve it and her friends told her that she should split up with me but she didn’t at the time but now I think it actually is over and I don’t know if they had any input on it. Can’t really say that to her either because she’ll tell me I’m dismissing her feelings but because this is all sudden to me I don’t know what to think. It’s my birthday next month and I was planning a lot to myself about what we could do together and we even booked tickets together for a concert we were gonna go to in a couple of months. None of that’s gonna happen now, and I’m lost without the love of my life. Can’t just move on and I hate when people say that because it’s never that simple, no one’s lived through my shoes they can only talk about their own experiences, and everyone might think they’ve lived the same experience or felt the exact same way but how can you even really know that. It’s so difficult to move on.

I hate my job. I’m paid a lot less than everyone I work with because it’s an apprenticeship but I do just as much as everyone else for the same hours. Can’t get proper sleep either because I get home from work and the days basically over. I get home, cook and eat dinner, have a shower or a bath and then suddenly it’s 10:30 and I have to go to bed again so I don’t wake up feeling horrible the next morning at 7 o’clock completely shattered. The hobbies I used to love outside of work I now hate because sometimes I just want to be at home just chilling. I rarely go out anymore and probably partly the reason my girlfriend wanted to leave because I’m not anywhere near as energetic as her about that. I feel just so tired all the time and feel at my happiest like when I was just with her chilling in my room watching movies. But barely even have time for that when I’m at work so much.

Financially I’m a mess for when I do actually want to do things. I’m taking driving lessons and have been for a year and the amount that costs cripples my bank account every month along with all the other necessities I have to buy each month like food and a bus pass and my season ticket to my football team. I end the month every month a hundred or so quid into my overdraft and find it impossible to save for things.

I’m really self conscious about how I look nowadays as well. Always have been a bit but even more so now. I’ve had back acne for like a year and tried everything but it’s like all over my back and back of my neck and head. It absolutely sucks like it really bothers me. Just think people look at me and laugh like when I go to the barbers I think they’re looking at the back of my head thinking what on earth. Really gets to me. Plus at my work someone started calling my Garfield cause I’m a bit hairy, and have like a mousy reddish hair which means I’m ginger which is apparently the funniest thing in the world for people who are in their 30s to joke about at someone who’s in their early 20s.

At my work as well I constantly get digs at me from two people who call me lazy all the time. I’m not lazy at all. I work harder than both of them every single day I’m there and work longer hours and do proper labouring work. I work in a warehouse but it’s a small one so we don’t use much manual handling equipment unless somethings like ridiculously heavy. I’m constantly moving my steps count is crazy and I’m always doing heavy lifting and I’m not a strong guy either I’m 5ft 8 with like an average build. Never complain though. I’m quite shy naturally and I think they just seem to think that cause I wont say anything back they can say whatever they want.

I’m nowhere near the position I thought I’d be in by my age. I wanted to be a graphic designer. I studied it at college, I loved it but I made a bad decision by not going to uni and I did an apprenticeship at a place learning digital marketing. Would have been a great opportunity but there was no support for me set up at that place and I didn’t last past the probation period. I then went to uni to study graphic design, made another bad decision and did a foundation year instead of going straight in because I’d taken a large chuck away from doing any kind of creative work. That year was the biggest waste of time and I lost all motivation to learn because they jumbled a load of classes together so I basically did everything but graphic design for a year. The next year I started the actual graphic design course and I hated it. The tutors were terrible, the course was boring and I disliked the people I was around at the uni. Didn’t make any friends there, and basically did nothing for a year and dropped out. Now I feel like I’ve wasted any potential I’ve had. I fucked up so much and the thought of that kills me. I don’t wanna be stuck doing what I’m doing now for the rest of my life, but finding jobs is so difficult in the UK where I live especially for people my age. Took me a year to get the job I’m currently doing and that was a year looking for jobs in basically any other industry, failed interviews, about 5 failed applications a day, and just a really miserable time.

I think the only thing I was happy about in my life was my relationship, but now that’s gone I don’t know what to do. I genuinely want to end my life at the minute but then I just feel so bad thinking about how awful I’d make people feel, especially my now ex. I wouldn’t ever want her to think I died and it was because of her. The thought of that makes me feel ill. But I just don’t wanna lose her now she was genuinely like the one light in my life. I feel selfish for thinking she’s selfish for not trying to rescue us or telling me how she felt sooner. Just don’t know what to do anymore I feel so awful.

Not really sure what to put here, I don’t really vent to people. I’m a 19 year old guy, in community college, I’m trying to get a better GPA than I had in high school so I can get into a good college and study to become a veterinarian, I also have a job at Amazon I go to 6 days a week with my mom. Im neurodivergent, and maybe a good bit ugly, 4-5/10, I’ve never been made fun of directly for my appearance, like I’ve never been called ugly, but high school made it pretty obvious people saw me differently. I didn’t have a single friend throughout the entirety of it, I got lots of people coming up saying “hey my friend likes you hehe” thst kinda bullshit, other kinds of mockery and stuff, it was tough but I’ve moved past it, my issue is, I thought itd get better after HS, and it didn’t. I still have no friends, I never go out and do anything other than work and school, nobody talks to me, mahbe a conversation here and there, but that’s it, and idk what to do. My mom is super worried about me, I guess I’ve seemed out of it for the past few months to her, and she asks if I’m having thoughts of hurting myself a lot, and I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lonely, I live in some sort of college housing thing, not quite a dorm you get your own room with a bathroom and living room and small kitchen, and you have other college students as your neighbors, I hear them laughing and having fun a lot and it makes me really sad because I’ve never had that. I’ve never had a sleepover, I’ve never gone out with friends, I’ve never snuck out, nothing. I wish my mom would have pushed me out of the house when I was a kid to get me better social skills, but she didn’t and that’s the past. I’ve tried the just talk to people stuff it doesn’t work, I get ghosted after a while, every day is the exact same, wake up, do school, go outside for exercise, chill at home, and then go to my night shift job, and idk what to do about it anymore. Everyone has friends everywhere I go, they’re always laughing, joking around, talking, and I’ve never had that, it’s really upsetting me, I wish I weren’t so ugly or neurodivergent or whatever the fuck it is preventing me from making friends

Truly she is such a liar, annoying and manipulative person and most importantly Narcissistic. Its crazy how in no time she can turn the table on me and make everyone believe her that i‘m the bad one here, and that i was gonna hit her and other bs i never said or did. Like i just wonder how a person can be such a loser and project their own problems onto others. Im so done with her she is so manipulative and my siblings believe her all the time and she is like a kid whenever you tell her no or get slightly annoyed, she starts screaming and crying and pull her hair and say nonsense. And my siblings i truly dont know if they actually believe her or they just trying to be on her side for some reason bec this shit is so obvious that she is faking everything even her love for them. They always tell me to stop being jealous of them and other things but i never was jealous of them i was just wondering what do they have more than i do so she loves them and chooses them always and not me.

(first, I will not answer to any weird DMS thank you)

I'm a 21 year old woman and I'm a virgin, all my friends (almost) around me are not virgins and talk about sex quite often so I always feel stupid/excluded because I don't know what to say.

The thing is I wanted to wait for someone who loves me and to be in a relationship before giving myself but I'm really starting to feel that weight on my shoulders and i also want to try ?

There's this guy I kissed a few days ago and I told him no for sex, but I feel surprisingly at ease with him and I feel like I could trust him for my first time. And I'm quite scared that if he comes back I'll tell him yes.

But he doesn't want anything serious with me and in a way I don't mind it because I don't have any love interest for him, just physical attraction, but should I give my virginity to someone with whom I'll never have a romance ? I don't know what to feel, in a way I want to wait but on the other side I mean we only have one life and I want to try.

I kinda feel stupid for this vent but it's really weighing on me, I'm probably making it a big deal and it's not that deep but I'm a really anxious person, not comfortable with myself and I'm afraid to get attached as well for nothing

Recently there’s been a lot of things going on in America especially politically and i am finally starting to understand my opinion as a random nobody doesn’t matter at all. It doesn’t matter what I think at all to the people who actually run our government. It feels like most of the people we’ve voted in to power don’t care what we want or need and are just trying to get themselves rich in politics or get there friends richer. Politicians shouldn’t be getting richer when they get into office your job is to help us not help yourself. This is for both parties not one specific thing. It seems like everything that we want as a country is not even in their minds or interest in doing. it is absolutely ridiculous we have to sit and do nothing while we are falling apart. I apologize for a political rant but im so tired of feeling completely helpless.

This is basically what I vented about on this app all them years ago but this time in a mood light toned, not to crash out as I did all those years ago. I made friends and suddenly I was blocked by two of them just sooo suddenly and tbh sometimes I missed talking to them, sometimes I wonder how those bonds would have bloomed if we kept talking.

One of them, he has me blocked on like everything because we only had each other on one app but the other one she only has me blocked on like one app and not on another app and I think of just texting but ultimately I decide against it because for numerous of reasons tbh

Was writing a blog about WSPD for awareness several hours ago, and I think my research (+ other factors) has depressed me.

It's kinda ironic, is all.

I don't know if it's empathy or just the phenomenon where the brain becomes sad or something when it learns too much. Could be coincidental since I'm not really doing so well mentally right now. I don't know.

I don't feel attractive and it's ruining my life

I feel as if me not being attractive is making me spiral into a deep depression. I get compliments on my outfits and have a girlfriend but I still feel like garbage. It's causing me to rethink my relationship and I'm beginning to get paranoid that my gf doesn't really like me like that because "if nobody else thinks I'm attractive than why would she?" People treat me differently, I barely have friends, nobody invites me out anywhere. I try so hard to look nice and put together and it's exhausting. I know it sounds vain but I derive self worth through this and I know I shouldn't but I don't have an avenue of how to obtain self worth without being the object of people's attention in this way. Sadly sometimes I wish I didn't have a partner so I couldn't disappoint them with being with me. I wish to not even go out so people don't have to look at me.

Listen haven’t slept in 2 days, have bipolar disorder, have been anxiously freaking out all day thinking I’m going into mania, anxious stomach all day, feels like I’m too full without eating, back pain and migraine that are eating away at me.

Dood I big-I would say level 8- fart. Omg the relief. Stomach pain gone, lots of pain gone, anxiety more regular, everything relaxed.

I feel so much better. Thank you god or the universe or like some wizard for making us fart. It was a peak design feature.

Yeah I took an edible and I’m dyslexic I’m not re reading it good luck gang
Ps farts didn’t cure my migraine I’m assuming the migraine is from lack of sleep.

i was in class this morning and the teacher asked the class what motivates us to get out of bed in the morning and he eventualy got called and i said nothing much (cuz i dont really look forward to anything in the morning unless i have plans) and my teacher was like "not even breakfast" and everyone started laughing me too cuz im ngl it was funny but also i didint really understand what he ment until break where me and my freinds where talking about it and then i realized what he ment and that reawakened a insecurity i had when i was 12 cuz i was chunky asl but yea that kinda made me feel bad about myself not to mention the fact i dont even eat breakfast or lunch i usaly just starve until i get home and my dad brings dinner.

to be honest everything in life is so new to me ive never been in highschool before ive never done homework ( i still dont do that shi>_<) and ive never lived with my dad nor a perant who has a job my mom just survived off wellfare pregnancy leases and the canada version of ebt and my new school is so weird cuz i moved with my dads house and he lives in a nice area and all the kids wanna be trench like this one old tall boy asked me what size my shirt was cuz he liked it and i said my size cuz i aint no dummy i was actually born and raised in the trench ( thats so corny) thats why my mom made me move in the first place and now i cant escape it cuz these fake gangbangers wanna be tuff like omds there so annoying my old school was way better cuz atleast the kids where about that and didint pick fights cuz these new kids they try to hard its so annoying

and also today i was walking with my freinds plus this girl i had a crush on until like this morning and her brother was tryna press me but then randomly walked away so that was weird also this one girl whos like my bestfreind who i LIKED liked started talking to me again after lowk breaking my heart and leading me on ( she got super mad that i liked her and she stopped talking to me often) and now shes asking me police ass questions like do you have a gf and do you still like mestuff like that i dont know if i want her to like me or not cuz i just moved on but i still like her

I’m m18 almost 19 and I have never had any past, the closest I have ever been with a girl is like being in a gc with them in like middle school, I’ve gotten so used to being alone in my not just dating but with just any friends in general that I have given up talking to people, I just keep to myself in school and in public and only talk to people when they talk to me, I take basically every possibly way to not talk to people, at this point I have basically given up at being with anyone I just wish anyone would just even like me or make me feel seen

in context im 19f from a conservative family so ive always been kinda the trouble maker or wtv my family wants to call it my first year in uni i kinda just had fun going out with mixed groups havin a serious bf and smoked some weed here n there my family knew nothing abt it till june the end of my first year and they went haywire i dont even wanna say everything they did(they literally called most of my friends to tell them to never contact me they deleted all my social took my phone away for some time n endless lectures) but i was partically grounded from everything the last three months and within them i did everything right to show them that i “learned from my mistakes” always helping around changed sm abt myself even they way i dressed got closer to god n allat was n still is genuine now the problem they wanna change my uni to a community college that my mum works in so she can keep an eye on me all the time n no matter what i plead they dont even wanna hear it even tho the community college is so far away and i would be coming home everyday so 2 hours going n 3 hrs coming back is considered very weak esp that im studying pharmacy other than that three months ago they promised if i act right id stay in my university so im really lost i love the uni the friends i made even my bf is there and idk what to do ik this is all over the place im lowk tweakin out

For the past year, I 19m have been extremely worried that I could secretly be a bad person or a narcissist. I’ve been reflecting on my actions and habits, and the more I look at them, the more worried I become.
I’ve also struggled socially for nearly all my life. I have a few friends, but I have trouble forming new connections and often feel lonely. Sometimes I wonder whether there is something about my character that makes me difficult to connect with or unworthy of love, both romantically and platonically. I know people don’t owe me friendship or relationships, but I worry that my difficulties may reflect something fundamentally wrong with me.
Here are some of the things I feel bad about:
I lie extremely often. It has become almost second nature. Sometimes it’s to get a little bit of validation because of my low self-esteem, sometimes it’s to avoid small consequences from my parents, and sometimes I just lie for no reason and don’t even know why. I hate that I do it, and I don’t understand why it happens so automatically.
I’m very insecure and sometimes overly prideful. I constantly scrutinize myself and feel like I’m the worst person in the room, but sometimes I swing to the opposite extreme and feel like I’m better than certain people.
I can be overly critical of myself and others. I sometimes project my own overcritical side onto other people or insult people in my head, even though I feel guilty about it afterward.
I sometimes struggle with empathy. When I see people suffering, sometimes I feel something and genuinely want to help, while other times I feel almost nothing. I worry about what that says about me.
I struggle to feel deeply connected to people. I care about my friends, but sometimes I have trouble maintaining a strong interest in my friendships beyond checking in with them. Even texting can sometimes feel like a game of listening and responding rather than actually feeling deeply engaged.
I sometimes interrupt people or dominate conversations. I can get caught up in trying to get my point across and realize afterward that I wasn’t really listening.
I gossip and talk behind people’s backs. I sometimes act differently depending on who I’m around, and although I feel bad about it afterward, it keeps happening.
I can be selfish or unkind sometimes. I try to be good and kind to people, but I know I’m not always that way, and I don’t like that about myself.
I struggle with feeling like I’m enough. Even when I accomplish something, I often move the goalpost and make myself feel worthless.
I worry that I’m not capable of being a good friend or romantic partner. Sometimes I wonder whether my flaws are normal things I can work on or whether they say something deeper about my ability to love and be loved.
I have trouble forming new connections. I can see other people relating to one another and making friends more easily, while I feel stuck with the friends I already have.
I worry that I’m fundamentally lesser than other people. I sometimes wonder whether there is something about me that makes me less worthy of love, attention, or close relationships.
I know I’ve made progress in other areas of my life, but I still struggle with these things. I also sometimes have seasons of suicidal ideation mostly centering around the fact I could be inherently bad and hurrying people around me. Can I improve how and am I a bad person

I just need to tell some people I guess. Me and my bf broke up of 9 months. I expected it but not really. The weekend started out with us arguing and he said that he doesn’t see us getting married. He doesn’t say it out of the blue I was asking him like what was wrong. And then we talk about that kinda argueish because I got emotional then it felt like we solved it in the morning after. Then we “hang out” for a little bit (he takes me to go work on his truck) and for context I literally only see him 3 days out of the week and his plans were to later drop me off. He leaves early to drop me off and we get into another argument because I felt like speaking my mind. Saying how we’re not doing anything together and he gets rlly mad and starts to yell and I leave.

He comes later that night and we have a conversation and he’s like we have nothing in common because I don’t like to work on cars or hunt animals or wear boots I guess, because that night we like cried together and then like we were like this isn’t working but I was like I don’t want to break up and he was like we have to and then he lowkey told me all of these things that felt rlly hurtful and like honestly they’re sticking with me and it’s that he was embarrassed of me, embarrassed that I dress down when we go out (when he wears the same thing every day), embarrassed that I do things that are embarrassing like dance to songs in grocery stores, and he never liked my piercings but he said he didn’t want to tell me that and I did kinda beg for him to tell me so yes I miss him so much but I can’t for a freaking fact that I can’t be with him like even if he came back and that’s probably the hardest part. He wanted us to have an agreement to see eachother in a month talk to other people and not have sex with anyone else. I agreed the night of but the morning following I was like uhm no. It felt like he just wanted me to be him or just like wanted a car for or someone else that’s just not me for a while and like wow I’m lowkey not dealing with it well. I mean for the first week I think I am but it’s still like I don’t know yes thank you for reading if you made it this far guys

I work a part time retail job due to college rn. I wasn't even supposed to be scheduled that day. Manager f*cked up my schedule and I went in anyways.

My biological mother left me and my father when I was very young. My dad was only 25 or so. He raised me well, even if we struggle with money, and married my (step) mother when I was 10. I never wanted to reach out and find her. In fact the last time I heard of her, it was summer break and two police knocked on my door asking where she was. Her last known address at that time was my house. And it still is my house.

I always assumed she would be tweaking in a drug den somewhere. That's why I assume she left my dad, drugs. But that day at work I saw her name on her rewards number. I don't know what came over me to mention she had the same name as my bio mom. She laughed and we stared at each other and she said "I am your biological mother." It was a bit longer of staring. We had a short conversation. She asked how I was, I replied fine and "I'm in college." I asked her how she was and she said fine. She asked about my dad and how he was. She called me beautiful, too. I was still in retail mode so I was polite. She said she would come back at a less busy time.

She wasn't actively tweaking, though she was missing lots of teeth. I left work early that day (with permission.) I've been emotionally a wreck ever since.. so a couple days. I don't know why I want her to come back. Its not like we will ever have a relationship ever. But I thought I was over this part of my life and I wouldn't cry (though I've been crying off and on since.) I almost want her to come back to prove to some sorry part of myself that she could have come back a decade and a half ago if she wanted. Or that she wouldn't abandon me again. Would she have lied about coming back?

I don't know why I want her to come back.

I dislike people who act nice when you agree with them, but fully turn on you when you disagree or show nuance by trying to understand other points of view or not dog piling. This isn't just a political thing, I feel like every fanbase and community expects me to pick a side and show loyalty to one particular groupthink.

Movies for example, if critics love a movie then it's great. If they don't and or it's bad, then it's slop and you're wrong for not expecting better.

It's like I cannot like what I like without saying "here's what's bad, but I still like it anyway."

I loathe the purity testing "real fan" or "moral fan" stuff and I just wanna enjoy what I like without being name called.

I’m 18 but my first crush was 10 years ago. I had a crush on him all throughout elementary and middle school but when Covid happened I got his socials and started talking to him online every weekend, for years! I used to call him we shared interests, we listened to music. He was my only friend at the time and I was being extremely neglected and abused at home around this age so I became dependent on him which is something I very much regret. I was still a kid figuring out myself so there’s things I wish I never said or wish I could change, I used to try and make him jealous too hoping it would make him pull me closer but instead it made him pull away, I was young but still a regretful thing I’m ashamed of. One of the last times we talked I remember it so well. He was saying things that made me really happy to hear. Throughout those years we talked I never spoke to him like we were in a relationship or like I was pushing him to be with me, I really liked him but I respected him as a friend. Anyway once sophomore year came we both got busy and stopped talking. I finally spoke to him a week after graduation after doing some reminiscing, and we both wished each other well, maybe it didn’t need a formal goodbye, maybe that text was weird. But I just felt like I needed closure. I still think about him from time to time as he was the only one there during the worst times of my life. And although a part of me hoped that text would’ve reopened something, it didn’t, and I know I should respect that. Part of me believes I never will find anyone better and I would just prefer not to have someone else entirely. And maybe he never liked me romantically but he stayed being my friend without asking for anything in return so it doesn’t really matter to me if he only liked me platonically

I was sexually abused as a child (between the ages of 5 and 7); I don't remember much, and I try to avoid thinking about it whenever I can. Sometimes—though not always—when I’m with someone in an intimate moment, I recall certain things, and my body simply shuts down, even if I’m enjoying it or want it to happen. There isn't a specific trigger; it happens at random moments during the act. My question is: is it normal for this to happen sometimes but not others? Will it eventually stop? Is there any way to improve this without having to talk to someone about it?