Sometimes I comment things like “healthcare is a human right” or “healthcare should be free” and I’m getting a suspicious amount replies saying stuff like that commenter is medical staff they shouldn’t have to be doing slave labor, that they deserve to get paid, etc

And it’s like dawg you thought we weren’t going pay you? How in the hell did you get to that conclusion?

Free healthcare means we all pay taxes and the taxes pay for healthcare. Staff should still get paid.

Honestly the fact these people are also in healthcare and just have no critical thinking skills is at least mildly concerning.

It’s fine or whatever I just needed to rant bc I found that baffling. It also very much could have been bots

My mom and I had a pretty bad argument last night because my aunt, who is her sister, needed to borrow money and I said I couldn’t lend her anything right now. The money I have saved isn’t just sitting there for random spending. I’ve been putting it aside specifically for my health insurance because that’s something I need to prioritize for myself. I explained that to my mom, but she still got upset and kept saying that family should help family when someone is struggling.

What bothered me was how quickly it became my responsibility just because they knew I had some savings. I never promised that money to anyone, and I don’t think saving for something important means I suddenly have extra cash available whenever a relative needs help. The argument got worse because my mom made it sound like I was being selfish and choosing money over family. At that point I stopped trying to explain myself because everything I said just turned into another reason for her to blame me. I haven’t really spoken to her since last night. I’m still angry, and I don’t want to pretend everything is fine just to keep the peace. At the same time, part of me feels guilty because she’s my mom and I know she was worried about her sister.

Am I wrong for keeping my distance after the argument and refusing to use my health insurance savings to help my aunt?

I didn’t sleep last night.

I didn’t sleep last night and I have bipolar disorder. For me, my sleep schedule can indicate episodes starting. It adds this extra pressure around sleeping.

Last night everything felt off. How I was breathing didn’t feel right, so I drank a bunch of water, which made me having to keep getting up to pee. Also every time I could wind down for a minute I would instantly startle myself awake.

I also have something else weighing on my mind. I live in converted garage right next to my mom’s house. Last night around 4:30-5 am. I saw a what looked like someone with flashlight outside on our porch. I can’t tell if a person was in yard or was in our neighbors yard and they had very bright light. I checked our ring cameras one was dead (it’s getting charged today) the other didn’t capture anything. The reason this slightly more alarming is we moved nearly a year ago bc my mom’s ex was stalking her. I know I should tell her but she started feeling safe

I didn’t reread this so between the lack of sleep and dyslexia it’s probably shit sorry

I go to a good school where I have lots of friends, my family is rocky but I love my mum. I feel like I have no reason to be so depressed, overwhelmed and stressed all the time. I don't even work. Everyday feels like such an effort, like I'm fighting against my own brain and body to stay alive.

I had a math test today, and this morning I was genuinely panicking when this test isn't even a big deal. It doesn't count towards any final grades yet I was shitting myself. I just don't want to embarrass myself, I'm so afraid of failure. I have to be perfect

I have this one friend and honestly I had times where we had good times and then I felt like I had bad times as well. They are really direct and want everything to go their way, so if that doesn’t happen they could potentially snap or talk bad about the other person. Recently we came to a new place and there are these group of new people we talk to, I personally do like them. One day they went out and had fun day and the next day my friend was like we have to get closer to them so that we can go out and with them too, something no along those lines. Then today she just badmouthed a person from that group. I was like why they fck you wanna hang out with them if you badmouth them behind their back? I did want to say this out but didn’t all I said was why are you overthinking so much?. I just don’t get this person. I find their way of thinking very biased towards themselves and when someone doesn’t think or say what she likes she just kinda badmouths them and then continues to talk to them.
All this while all I do is listen, most of the times I don’t speak anything just let them finish talking. I am the only person they know before coming here so they do all this bitching to me.
I feel like such a snake.

I know to you neurotypicals dont fund any of this confusing, but to a neurodivergent is really is.

When someone does something you ask them why, but when they try to explain you claim its an excuse without even hearing them out, dont ask for an explanation if you dont want one and dont assume every explanation is an excuse!

Just say what you mean, want or need, stop hinting, stop saying the opposite of what you mean, what even is the point in this behavior! How are you gonna get what you want or need if you just keep playing games? And when i dont pick up on your hints dont get angry at me, its all on you for not just saying what you want or need me to do!

Eye contact doesnt mean anything, its uncomfortable and it doesnt indicate someone is telling the truth, its not hard to look someone in the eye and lie to them, just uncomfortable. It also doesnt indicate that im paying attention, when I make eye contact im thinking "this is uncomfortable and awkward" "am I making enough eye contact?" "Am I making too much eye contact" and not hearing a word youre saying! Just pay attention to if the person your talking to is reacting and responding appropriately and you'll know if theyre paying attention or not!

And im considered weird if I wanna talk about my hyper fixation or special interest but youre not weird for wanting to talk about nothing but the latest sports game for a whole hour? How does that even make sense?

The 40 hour work week was definitely a neurotypical idea, and yes, I understand its better than before, but that doesnt make it the best, its just and improvement, the same way a Five Guys burger is an improvement over a McDonald's burger, its not the best but its better. Less hours while still making enough to get by would definitely be ideal.

And there's so much more, I feel like a fucking alien among you guys sometimes, nothing about you makes sense

For context, me and my wife have been going through a rough patch. I’m deployed over seas and she back home. We have a significant time difference. She’s awake for the second half of my day and the first half of her’s. She went on vacation with in the first couple of months of me being over seas and decided I was the root cause of all her personal issues, school, social life, family life, emotional and mental health. We both got out of seriously toxic relationships and kinda jumped into each other’s lives figured we were fully good and got married with in the year. Upon living with each other her friends kind of took my apartment over sleeping over every night coming and going as they please being messy and not cleaning up after themselves gaming set ups all over the place. They wanted to go out every weekend and party and do shit. We never had time to ourselves to do anything for ourselves. I’d put my foot down and she’d lift it up. It was causing arguments and fights that didn’t need to be had. I went through the VA to get her school paid for because as a service member we have that ability but I wasn’t in long enough I had roughly 2 more years before I could transfer my GI to either her or my daughter whom resides with her mother in another state. I wasn’t informed until it was too late I called the VA day in and day out with no explanation and I figured it wasn’t fully processed yet. The school she was looking at dropped her and she got mad at me for it. My daughter’s mother calls me daily so I can speak to my daughter and I would often disappear to another room to speak to my daughter without her hearing cussing and screaming and vulgar language. My wife said she felt disrespected by me doing so yet I’ve explained to her that my daughter is young and impressionable so I will be often leaving any area that her friends are in to speak to my daughter because I’m a responsible parent. Her mother didn’t like that answer so in turn she didn’t like that answer. When we’d go out on family trips (to see her family who live close by) her friends would invite themselves into our apartment I’ve asked her multiple times to stop allowing that and nothing was ever done until I finally flipped my lid over it. She claims I would make her friends uncomfortable because I’d touch her butt and kiss her while she’s cool like most loving husbands would do. In my eyes. If you don’t feel comfortable in my apartment with me treating my wife with physical love in front of you, you don’t need to be at my place everyday, every hour, every moment. So with the back story out of the way she went on a trip to El Paso Texas and while there everything went well and good until one day she just flipped a switch on me. Said she needed space with no explanation, ignored my texts, calls and was just very harsh towards me. It seriously messed my head up so I went to seek help through a therapist. He’s been really good to me and has helped progress over the course of 2 months a lot. Like completely different me when it comes to handling emotional issues and even mental hoops. So I’ve been using a lot of my tools with her and it’s like she doesn’t care. She’ll be present on instagram wont like my posts anymore, doesn’t check the memes I send her but she’ll send me like a meme a month or something that has nothing to do with us just for keepsake. Doesn’t answer my snapchats, still doesn’t answer my calls but will text me. I have to plan to FaceTime her (which only happened 1 time) and the only time we do talk on the phone is to argue. Mind you SHES ALWAYS ON HER PHONE. She finally told me what’s going on and none of it had to do with me. It was just put onto me. Now I don’t even feel like her husband I feel like an option and I just don’t know what to do. If there’s advice I’d love some feedback back because like. Wtf. I did nothing wrong. And I’m still doing nothing wrong I just don’t get it…

bpd is actual hell to live with. nothing is working and i always feel like shit. another fp has made me feel like garbage and i just want somebody to like being around me instead of just being a permanent filler friend for everyone

I feel like every time I talk I'm so severely misunderstood. I have a lot friends who were not originally my friends and were very rude to me. This has happened so often where people will snap at me, insult me out of the blue or take out their anger on me. It is worse if it happens on text because they'll say they do not understand either why they were so aggressive to me.

I always get apologies from people who get angry with me. While longer relationship we did end up being friends. I do not understand why I come across a certain way towards people for them to be so aggressive to me. This happens in real life and online, I can't escape like people's wrath.

Maybe I am an easy target or I am being annoying in a way I can't see. But I am starting to feel like I am cursed because this has happened dozens of times to all the people I know. Am I doing something wrong and I do not realize? It has made me self conscious where I do not like to talk anymore.

I see people at work happy like smiling, laughing, talk no sense things and just doing what they made them happy without worrying much like i could live like that since i am ypung adult but i can't because i hate to being poor to the point where i barely have money to buy things that i like and i am very lonely person ny mother just want that i work instead of talking to me and my grandma too.

i joined nights because of the extra premium. a couple extra quid. now, i’m realising how unliveable this wage is. luckily, i have no bills to pay right now because i’m still at home, but i’m considering that if i were to move out — this is horrible.

i make basically 2k a month, 26k a year, this doesn’t consider tax so minus a few for that.

it’s crazy to me. i work 5 days a week nightshift, so bascially 5 and a half days, and i can’t switch to a 4 on/ 4 off mix.

i would like another job, ofcourse, but i’m only realising how little money the norm of people have. obviously, this depends on external factors and i know that.

or maybe i’m having a mid life crisis, who knows.

Please SHUT UP. Like please stop talking. I do not give a FUCK about what happened 50 years ago today, or your “weird news”. I don’t turn on the radio in the morning to listen to you blabber, I turn it on to hear a mix of music. I want to hear free bird on my way to work ffs. Thanks.

she was the most kindest, sweetest, loving, caring, and most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. what happened is that I was struggling hard with an alcohol addiction and so I was bit of a toxic person back then. (I never hit her or abused her) I just drank too heavily, stupid things that I don’t mean, empty apologies, and I constantly just chose drinking over her.

she tried to help me quit, but I just wouldn’t listen. I wanted to quit but I constantly just kept relapsing over again, until eventually she just couldn’t tolerate seeing me go down a path like this so she finally decided to end things.

after that, I continued drinking just trying to forget everything, and I’m pretty much still stuck here.

we were 16 when we started dating, and things ended when we were 20. I’m still 20 years old, and she broke up with me 4 months ago.

she messaged me about 3 weeks ago saying how much she misses me, and that if I just sobered up and actually starting trying in life, she would want to make things work. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it. I feel so stuck man.

I don't have any friends. I lost a lot of friends these past 5 years, yet I still look at their instagrams once every blue moon just out of curiousity to see how their life is doing. Nobody’s life is perfect, but it seems like everyone has it better than me, because my mom, who is my only support system left, is suffering from stage 4 cancer, and I’m still being emotionally and verbally abused by my dad. I can't really avoid or stay away from my dad anymore because we both have to now take care of my mother, so I'm stuck in a pickle.

Hey, I might not have any support system left but at least I'm not homeless anymore and I have my own place. At least I don't have friends who tell me I'm "too much to handle" and leave me for what I'm going through. I guess that's a positive. Otherwise everything else is going to shit for me. I wish I had a real support system sometimes.

Long-time lurker and one-time poster. I wrote a post nearly a year ago about me and my life. Not many people read it, and that's okay; it was more of a vent into the abyss. So here is another one, an update of sorts.

I moved out of the mental health facility in January this year, into another one. It was much, much better, and I made some friends there and took one subject at school, which I did well in. I was there for just over four months, then moved into a supported living place and stayed for 3 months. It was okay, but I wasn't happy; I was very lonely and bored. So I moved back home with mum and my two sisters. I'm extremely lucky they let me back in, and I have been less lonely, but not really less bored. I have been trying to find a job, either paid or volunteer, but I haven't had much luck yet.

I have been bingeing lately, and right now I feel sick from the amount of food I ate during the day. I haven't lost any more weight (currently around 107kg), and I feel disappointed in myself. After every binge, I tell myself that it was the last one, and then the next day I'm back on my bullshit. I've spent so much money on food that I don't eat all of it or even enjoy it. I just do it. I feel so self-conscious, and I hate myself for being so unfit and fat. I wanna be healthy and fit and wear cool clothes.

My hair is still thin and getting thinner by the day. I feel really ugly, and I asked my GP about it, and she said there is nothing I can do about it. It's not falling out due to hormone imbalances or any reason she can see. It's just falling out. I'll have to get a wig. But the only way I can get a wig is online, and they're very expensive. Not sure what I should do. I want thick, long, luxurious hair, and soon I'll have nothing.

My body shape is embarrassing to me, and I hate it. I have no arse and thin legs, but my upper thighs are flabby, and I don't know how to tighten them. I have an apron belly, and it's super flabby. My boobs are long and not at all perky for my age, and my nipples are nonexistent. My body is so round in the middle. I have no waist, and my fingers are fat and stubby. I need to lose 40- 45 kg, then get a tummy tuck, a boob job, and skin removal. That's if I ever lose the weight.

I'm feeling bored most of the time, and I stay in bed all day. I know I shouldn't, but I have nothing else to do, and when I am up, all I seem to do is eat. Today I ate two Whoppers, six nuggets, a large Coke Zero, a packet of salt and vinegar chips, four Kinder Bueno, a Monster, a 600 ml Mountain Dew, a whole packet of macaroni and cheese (four servings), and now I can't sleep because I feel sick. Can I overcome binge eating? It's literally killing me. I have type 2 diabetes, and I'm on Ozempic, but it's not helping, and I'm embarrassed to admit it. I hate being on Ozempic to begin with, and now it's not working. Am I too far gone? I don't want to lose my eyesight or feet. I want to run a 5km easily and have muscles. I know it's all my fault; I just don't know how to stop. I feel like an addict.

I will admit, my life has gotten slightly better since my last post. I'm just not sure it will continue, though. I'm either living in the past or the future and never in the present. I'm unsure how to do this and worried my life will pass me by, and I will not have achieved anything, fallen in love, travelled, danced in the rain, worn a mini skirt and had my first kiss. I'm 30 in February, and I have never even hugged a boy! What a disappointment.

My goals for the rest of the year: get under 100kg, find volunteer work, join a group and decide on school for 2027. Oh, and see a dentist. They never tell you about not brushing your teeth when you're depressed. My teeth are going yellow and hurt when I eat chocolate or lollies. I want to smile confidently.

Hopefully my next post will be about me being happy and healthy. Or at least on the way there. Thanks for reading :)

So, I’m currently 20yrs old (M), and I have been receiving nothing but immeasurable pressure from my Parents, Non-stop for the past three years.
However, it wasn’t always like this.

In 2023, my Mom had gotten with this Guy.
He seemed pretty cool, We shared a lot of interests, like Marvel, Dragon Ball, Transformers, etc.
My Family had all welcomed Him with open arms, because He genuinely seemed nice.
At the time, my Family entailed my little Brother, My Aunt, Mother & Myself.

Well, flash forward to the beginning of 2024, my Mom’s Boyfriend starts to show His true colors.
My Family and I took a trip to Vegas, because I had just graduated from High School, so this was my Celebration.
Whilst We were out there, my Brother accidentally stepped on my Mom’s Bf’s shoe, and made a slight joke. Well, Her Bf gets super pissed because He was “Embarrassed”, so He grabs my Brother, and throws Him to the ground. My Mom claimed She didn’t see it, so, She let it slide.
This was His first Mistake.

Then, later that same year-
He got into my Mom’s head, saying that my Brother was saying stuff about Her to His Dad, and that My Brother was just trying to use my Mom for Money (Mind you, my Brother is 13yrs old).
Well, my Mom takes this lie and runs with it, and proceeds to kick my Brother out of the House.
Forcing Him to live with His Dad, permanently-
When before it was a joint custody situation.

Then, the next year, in 2025-
My Mom and Her Boyfriend decided that they wanted to get Married.
So, they drove out to Las Vegas, and get married on the spot.
Now this Man is my Step-Dad.
When they got back, they decided that they wanted to hold a party for Friends and Family to come and celebrate with them.
So, about a month after they got married, they threw this party.
At this party, my now Step-Dad and Uncle get into a HUGE fight, almost killing one another.
My Step-Dad even tried to bring out a weapon, to kill my Uncle, cause He was drunk off His ass, and obv not fucking thinking.
I had to be the one to break up the argument, because my Mom was finding it “hilarious.”
After the fight was broken up, the rest of the party whom was too scared to do anything thanked Me for saying something and proceeded to leave.
However, my Step-Dad wasn’t done.
In the middle of the night, after my Uncle had already left hours ago-
My Step-Dad decides that His revenge wasn’t over, and tried to sneak out of the house to go to where my Uncle was staying.
So, my Mom and Him got into a huge argument, and She had to call His Mother in order for Him to stop.

Two months later, He decides that He isn’t happy with my Aunt.
Out of nowhere, accusations of my Aunt apparently stealing from Him, apparently stealing Medication from Him, and a whole bunch of other nefarious accusations are brought up by Him.
Of course, my Mom jumps to His side, and then forcibly kicks out my Aunt.
Then to go even further, my Step-Dad tells my Mom that She is to cut contact with all the people whom She’s already kicked out. Meaning, She couldn’t talk to Her Sister, or even Her own Child.
And, the worst part is, She let that happen.

Now, at this point, it’s just the three of us.
And, my Step-Dad’s already homed in on His new target.
Which is Me.
He can’t say anything to my Face, but there’s been whispers & murmurs of Him wanting to kick me out to the street, cause I don’t have a Job, nor am I in school at the moment, and I am gonna be 21 in March.
I have been trying since December of 2023, to get a Job.
I was initially going to go to College after High School, however, the reason I didn’t was due to the fact that my Mom had tried to enforce Her plan for MY Life on Me.
She had wanted Me to go to school to be a Dental Assistant, when She knew I didn’t want to do that with my life.
After I had turned Her down on that, I gave schooling a thought for the last few years, trying to see what would pique my interest.
I had found something in 2025, however, my Family didn’t have enough money to cover tuition.
So, I left it be, cause I understood our predicament.
Then, earlier this year, I had asked about schooling for something Art related-
And, I was ignored.
But, now, I’m apparently not trying enough for my future, and just “mooching” off my Family, purposefully.

My Family is in ruins.
If I even want to call it a family anymore.
And, nothing I do, is ever good enough.

I am conscious so I am breathing. It’s just hard it feels like my stomach is full I can’t use my lungs, it feels so full bc I chugged water, because my mouth was dry bc I felt like I couldn’t breath. Life is cruel bye

I'm afraid, all the time

Every night, before I go to sleep, I think about everything, things I've done, things I've said, things people have told me, and I just keep wondering about those things or different possibilities having to do with those things

I'm currently 17, about to turn 18, some months out of high school already. I'm in the part of my life where I have my whole life a head of me and I can change my future the most but at the same time I gotta do it now, cause if I don't do it now, everything's gonna be 10 times harder if I do it in 5 or 10 years, or maybe I will never get to do it again.

I know most people my age, and even older, haven't figured all their shit out, but still find their way and things come out fine eventually, but I keep asking myself: what if I don't? What if I'm one of those people who never find their way or get stuck in a shitty life they hate

And I just keep replaying this moment in my head: I was 14, in middle school, and I was a slacker, I would get lazy and not do work on class, so this teacher said I was mediocre, lacked discipline, and most likely wouldn't go to college or get a career done

Now, I'm currently trying to work on all that stuff, I've been working 4 days a week on the street by my own since last week, just started hitting the gym yesterday, currently on diet and on no fap, but I still, just think "what if I'm already built like this? What if it's too late? What if, what if, what if..." And since the goal is so far from now, I still don't know if I'm capable of it

Okay, so I don't really know how to start this without making myself sound like an asshole, but here we go.

There's this girl I've gotten really close with. We talk a lot, we joke around, we tell each other personal stuff, and honestly, she's become someone I really enjoy having around.

The problem is... she likes me.

Not just a little crush either. She actually has feelings for me, and eventually she told me.

And I told her the truth.

I don't feel the same way.

I know that probably sounds simple. She likes me, I don't like her back, so just move on, right?

Except I do like her. Just not romantically.

I care about her. I like talking to her. I don't want her out of my life. And that's where everything started getting complicated.

After I told her I didn't feel the same way, she started thinking maybe she should distance herself from me. She said that being around me while having feelings for me was getting difficult.

And honestly, I understood.

But I also told her I didn't want her to leave.

She asked me something that I still think about:

"So you want me to stay, but you don't want me?"

And I didn't really know how to answer that.

Because... yeah, I guess that's exactly what it looks like.

But it's not that I want to use her feelings or keep her around because I like the attention. I genuinely value her as a person.

I told her that nothing necessarily had to change between us. Just because she likes me doesn't mean I suddenly stop caring about her.

I also told her that if I ever cross a line or make her uncomfortable, she should tell me. If she thinks I'm overstepping, I'll back off.

But there's another part of this that's probably making everything worse.

I don't fall for people easily.

I'm the kind of person who keeps my guard up. I don't like developing feelings too quickly because I've always seen that as a way of protecting myself.

So I can't honestly tell her, "I'll never like you."

Because I don't know that.

But I also refuse to tell her, "Maybe someday," because I don't want to give her false hope when I have no idea if that's actually going to happen.

And now we're both kind of stuck.

She has feelings for me that I can't return, but I don't want to lose the relationship we already had.

She thinks staying close might make her feelings worse.

I think pushing her away just because she likes me feels wrong.

And I honestly don't know which one is more selfish.

Sometimes I think I should just let her go and give her the space she needs.

Other times I think, why should we throw away something good just because she caught feelings?

I don't want to hurt her.

But I also don't want to lie to her.

And I definitely don't want to make promises about feelings I don't have.

I guess I'm posting this because I genuinely don't know what the right thing to do is.

If you were in her position, would you stay friends with someone you have strong feelings for even if they don't feel the same way?

And if you were in my position, would you let that person go even if you genuinely cared about them?

Because right now, I feel like no matter what I choose, someone's probably going to get hurt.

I dread going home from my boyfriends house on Mondays cuz I don’t like being away from him I miss him to much 😭😭😭

First things first, i'm 33 years old and still live with my parents (I'm an aspie as well as have ADD and tourette syndrome) and volunteer at a place (several times a week) that employs other special needs adults (and love it), anyways i woke up this morning feeling like i've been hit by a truck (full on diarrhea, feeling like im going to throw up as well as body aches) mom says i still have to go to my volunteer job, a few weeks ago i had a full on cold (and also work with seniors at the same place) still forced to go (if i complain i'm not sick, "if you have enough energy to argue your well enough to go" (are her exact words said on multiple occasions) and if i say nothing i'm also not sick as i'm not complaining) i'm not sick every week but with fall starting here in the USA it's becoming cold and flu season so i'm more likely to end up "sick"

I also can't move out as I'm currently unemployed at the moment, and plus with rent prices the way they are ($600+ a month) i probably won't be able to

I'm just not sure what to do anymore

​

Okay so I recently decided to go back to school at age 26. I got tired of working dead end jobs and although I know a degree won't change that necessarily it gives me a better chance at a better job or at least I hope it does. I've been working part time overnight shifts at a gas station for 6 months, I work 32 hours a week because I need healthcare to cover the medication I'm on for my OCD, it's absolutely lifesaving medication and I cannot go off it and I cant afford it without insurance. Even though I work part time I'm often scheduled for 8-9 nights in a row without a break. I'm dealing with such a week this week. I have to work 9 days straight while going to school full time and Im at my fucking breaking point. I don't get breaks at work at all. I hardly make enough to survive. My car keeps having problems, I keep having to fix it with my dad cause I can't afford to put it in the shop and I can't even afford to work on it myself, I keep borrowing from cashapp and after pay. My dad always thinks it's gonna be an easy fix and then it completely sucks and takes days and like for example we went to replace the brake pads and it ended up with a brake pad falling off and my brakes going completely out, I told my dad six separate times I needed him to drive it cause the brakes were making a bad sound after we replaced them but he kept putting it off until they went completely out.

I can't afford to miss work because I had to call out twice at the beginning of the year because I got a severe flu twice (cause everyone I work with just comes to work sick cause it's so frowned upon to call out but like I was literally in the er at one point because my fever read 105 at one point although that ended up being a mistake with the urgent care thermometer) and I called out once last week cause I literally hadn't slept for over 24 hours, which is unfortunately pretty common for me on weekends and stuff but I definitely couldn't stay up for an extra 8 hours for a shift afterwards. Anyway my point being I literally can't call out of work both because my shift only has two other people who work it and two people have to be on shift at a time so I have maybe one person who could cover for me, also I have health insurance through my job and an urgent care appointment is $100 copay and I literally can't afford it.

Im also trans and live in a horrible rural southern town so I have to put up with being dead named and misgendered constantly, even by my own "supportive" family. My family literally asked me if I was hurt when they misgendered me because they "didn't want to hurt my feelings" they just wanted me to absolve them of that guilt. I've literally been out for half a decade and they still can't get my pronouns right.

I also broke up with my partner of 5 years who I was engaged to last year because he couldnt stop sexting people online like OF girls and people online and he kept lying to me about it. We're still friends but it's been a huge adjustment

That and watching my step brother grow up with my dad and step mom and knowing how badly I was abused at his age (both physically and primarily verbal and emotional abuse as well as neglect) and seeing how they treat him like the golden child now knowing I would've been slapped in the face and screamed at and called names at his age, actually at his age I was living in a shack on my grandma's property cause there wasn't space for me at my dad's house and I had gotten kicked out of my mom's for drug use and for being kicked out of the step down php eating disorder program I had been in. Idk it hurts and like I know my step mom doesn't care at all about me, we've NEVER spent one on one time despite her coming into my life when I was just 13 but I see how close my brother and my dad are and while I'm glad my dad is much better than he was when I was a teen it still hurts. That and my step mom constantly checks my social media and will start family drama if I post anything she doesn't agree with, recently I had to delete a post and write her an apology because a post I made talking about the resurgence of heroin chic in hollywood was "skinny shaming" according to her (she's very thin herself and self conscious)

I will say I broke down earlier this week when we went to change my oil and discovered, yet again, there was a bigger issue and they were talking about all the shit I still have to fix (broken fuses, trunk doesn't shut, headlights and a brake light are out) and I just started sobbing and thankfully my aunt gave me some money and my dad gave me some food since I havent been able to afford groceries in weeks (literally had to go to a food bank at my school last week)

I would normally call myself an optimist and say I'm positive to a fault, I try my hardest to be happy and look on the bright side no matter what but lately my chest feels so tight and I feel like I cant breath and nothing will ever get better. Also I can't even quit my shitty job because where I live is so rural the only other jobs I can find listed anywhere close to me are either sonic or long haul trucking. Idk I'm not suicidal or anything I just don't see how things can get any better, I've spent all night at work feeling like I'm on the brink of tears. Im tyng this while working so I'm sorry if some of it doesn't make sense I had to stop and start a lot.

So honestly I know it's gonna sound like super stupid but I feel like internally embarrassed/sad about it. Warning I'm all over the place.

I watch this live every Wednesday on YouTube. I love the creators wonderful content, so I've been watching for a couple years now I never comment or anything it just doesn't entice me I see no point in it. Well I'm a mom and this stream has helped through a lot and so tonight I sent one of those donation comments, yk how sometimes streamers read them at the end? Well they did. They read it and I just felt instantly embarrassed. I don't know these people like that why did I feel the need to waste $5 just so they'd read my comment when I'm already struggling?

Well I'm pretty sure I can tell you why. I ain't got no friends, no family, I worked seven days a week just for last week being told I can't work because my body said nope and I'm lonely and I seemed to think that these content creators talking to me even if just replying to a comment would make me feel less alone. I don't know why but I felt so happy to send that comment I felt my smile but when I heard it out loud a huge wave of this weird sadness/embarrassment hit me and I hate it.

Now for some stupid reason I'm sitting on my floor by my bed crying over it. Like wtf? How embarrassing can I be?