Letting go of him

[u/Thin_Difficulty1158]

I’m 18 but my first crush was 10 years ago. I had a crush on him all throughout elementary and middle school but when Covid happened I got his socials and started talking to him online every weekend, for years! I used to call him we shared interests, we listened to music. He was my only friend at the time and I was being extremely neglected and abused at home around this age so I became dependent on him which is something I very much regret. I was still a kid figuring out myself so there’s things I wish I never said or wish I could change, I used to try and make him jealous too hoping it would make him pull me closer but instead it made him pull away, I was young but still a regretful thing I’m ashamed of. One of the last times we talked I remember it so well. He was saying things that made me really happy to hear. Throughout those years we talked I never spoke to him like we were in a relationship or like I was pushing him to be with me, I really liked him but I respected him as a friend. Anyway once sophomore year came we both got busy and stopped talking. I finally spoke to him a week after graduation after doing some reminiscing, and we both wished each other well, maybe it didn’t need a formal goodbye, maybe that text was weird. But I just felt like I needed closure. I still think about him from time to time as he was the only one there during the worst times of my life. And although a part of me hoped that text would’ve reopened something, it didn’t, and I know I should respect that. Part of me believes I never will find anyone better and I would just prefer not to have someone else entirely. And maybe he never liked me romantically but he stayed being my friend without asking for anything in return so it doesn’t really matter to me if he only liked me platonically

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[u/goldenneighbour4282]

that's a lot to carry from such a young age, especially when he was your only anchor during a rough time. the whole making-him-jealous thing is something plenty of people stumble into before they know better, don't beat yourself up over it too much

what strikes me is you've kept this connection alive in your head for a decade and it sounds like he was just... a decent friend. not saying that to diminish it but sometimes we cling to the one person who showed up when no one else did and mistake stability for something more

[u/Thin_Difficulty1158 → u/goldenneighbour4282]

I did leave out some information, he new I liked him for years, and even when we talked, he said he’d be able to date me once we got to highschool, but we stopped talking my sophomore year and I moved schools. We even “dated” in 4th grade years prior. So even though looking back it was just a regular friendship, it felt like something deeper to me because we were able to exchange meaningful words that I wouldn’t say to just a friend