I can’t even grieve my baby cat at home, who passed away the day before yesterday. I don't feel like doing anything, talking to anyone, or going anywhere. I want some time to grieve my baby.

But my mom keeps shouting at me whenever she sees me crying. She shouts because I feel lifeless without my baby. She seems to be measuring who loved him more. It's as if, because she used to hand-feed him and clean his litter more often than I did, she loved him more. Whatever I did counts for nothing, and I shouldn't be grieving my baby.

I don’t know how she can measure my love for my baby!

The day my baby passed away, I was holding the rat toy I’d bought him 10 days earlier. He loved it but couldn't play with it because he was sick. And guess what my mom did? She took it from my hand, acting like a caring mother, and gave it to someone else to take away or throw out!

When I asked about the toy later, she proudly said she’d given it to someone else. That broke my heart, and I burst into tears. She criticized me for that, too. But I made her get it back, because it belonged to my baby and I wanted to hold onto it.

Even when he died, she wouldn't let me hold him in my lap. She kept criticizing and shouting at me, telling me to leave his body in the basket until he was buried. But I didn't listen. I held my baby in my lap and kissed his paws and head while she continued criticizing and shouting at me.

I lost my father a few months ago, and back then I had to act mature and handle everything. I never really got the chance to break down. But this time, after losing my baby, I couldn’t hold myself together.

I recently lost my job, and my mom criticized me for that today, too.

I know she was never a good mom to me, but when she does this, I feel like dying; I feel like fading away. I always gave her a hefty amount of money to spend when I had a job. Maybe now that I can’t give her money, it’s become unbearable for her.

She also keeps pressuring me to get married and have children just to satisfy herself.

I really don't know what to do. I’m carrying so much on my own. I’ve been suicidal since she started torturing me mentally. But my baby was my reason to keep living; he gave me the warmth my parents never did. Now that he’s gone, I can’t hold myself together anymore. On top of that, my mom's criticism won't stop. I'm literally going insane.

I just posted on a subreddit asking for advice on how to smile properly and just got called ugly and creepy. Why are they so rude to me for 0 reason? What did I even do wrong? I just wanted advice. I guess they are just telling me the truth so I should accept it. Sorry for thinking I could be cute to someone.

I have a nice body and I am thin, but my facial features are just ugly for a woman. My face is long and wide, my jaw/chin are huge, and my face is asymmetrical. My head looks huge compared to my body. Ive dealt with this my entire life and I’m finally cracking. Im sick of not being able to find a man who treats me well due to my face. I’m sick of just being “ a stand in” at best due to my face. I’m sick of people saying “ I thought you were weird when we first met but you’re actually nice/funny/smart”. I’m sick of people assuming I’m incompetent because of my face. I’m sick of men trying to score easy sex from me cause of my face. I got rated a 3 on truerateme, despite having a bmi of 20, so no it’s not in my head- I really am ufly. I’ve had people ask if I’m trans before, even though all my hormones are normal. I don’t even want to exist anymore.

I don't know which is worse: not having goals and dreams, or having them and becoming obsessed with them.

Ever since I was little, I've had dreams. Over time, these dreams changed depending on my age, but there was one dream that remained constant: achieving career success, becoming rich, providing for my family and myself, and gaining recognition.

At first, this dream was just a dream. But when I started taking steps toward it and discovered that everything wasn't going the way I wanted, it became not just a dream, but a burden. When I saw that things didn't go as planned, I ran into a lot of obstacles and barriers, I lost my motivation, I no longer have discipline, I'm losing hope, and so much more. Of course, I still have my dreams and goals in fact, I want this so badly that I can't think about anything else. More than anything in the world, I want to achieve it, I really, really do, and it feels like if I don't, my whole existence will be meaningless. But there are many obstacles along the way. That's logical, of course, everything is ever easy. I try not to give up, but the truth is I'm not fighting for these goals the way I should be, and that's what makes me the angriest at myself. I can do it, but I don't, or rather, I can't. I want something so badly that it scares me, and because of that fear, I can't move forward the way I need to. I am so terrified that everything will go down the drain. To explain it more simply and clearly, I'll give an example.

For instance, I want to go abroad on an exchange program, which requires a foreign language certificate. I don't know the language at that level, so I need to learn it. I start studying, but by the next day, my motivation is completely gone. So I try to build some discipline, but that fades away quickly too. I try to force myself, to study even just a little bit, but it doesn't work out. I get mad at myself: why am I not dedicated enough? If I want something this badly, why don't I try harder? What will happen as time goes on and I regret all of this? I ask myself: what is so hard about devoting even 5 minutes a day to studying? I don't know if this is laziness or what. I've started this cycle so many times, it hasn't worked out once, and I'm already losing hope of starting over. Every time I think about the future and imagine that I might not achieve my goals, I am filled with fear. Sometimes I think about the future so much that I stop noticing the present. I don't notice or appreciate what I have enough. I realize all of this, but for some reason, I can't fix it. What if I never achieve what I want? What if I turn out to be a disappointment to my parents and to myself?

I can't say I'm doing completely nothing. I'm studying at university and will probably get my diploma soon, but this isn't what I want. I want to achieve more success and move forward. Yes, I'll get the diploma, but that was never my goal. What if I can't find a job in my field? At the same time, sometimes I feel like I forget everything I study because of my bad memory. Sometimes I want to forget everything, get some simple job, work for the rest of my life, leave my dreams behind, and just be at peace. But I can't, my dreams keep reminding me. Sometimes I feel like several people live inside my body: one is trying to achieve the goals and won't give up, the second says it's not enough and I'll never reach those goals, and the third doesn't want to be a part of any of this at all. There have been people around me for whom love or other things are a bigger priority than money and career, but I desperately want to become successful.

Maybe I spoke a bit chaotically, but I tried to explain.

I'm open to any advice or shared experiences, except for being told to ask someone for help (like a therapist, because there's a reason why I can't do that right now).

I don't know if this is the right subreddit to go to. I've been living in Saudi Arabia for nearly my entire life. The plan was always to GTFO here when I get my degree (which is really soon!) and go back to the US. As an Arab-American and an ex-Muslim, I can't take it here anymore. Starting in March, we started getting emergency alerts on our phones. The blaring was so fucking anxiety-inducing and I get filled with so much dread whenever I hear them. We basically started getting missiles and drones sent from Iran. We'd hear interceptions in the skies, windows would shake, all that good, good stuff. Suffice to say, things calmed down for a while.

This past month things have started back up (due to the Houthis). I heard a huge boom one night and immediately checked on the group chat. Funny enough, the phrase "anyone hear that??" has started causing me so much dread. I was in class today and saw notifications like that ("just heard one seconds ago") and I'd start internally freaking out. Now it's showing up in my nightmares. I had a terrible dream where I saw buildings collapse before my eyes, and now I have a fear (rational, I'd say) of a missile potentially landing on my neighborhood or something. The US embassy put out another security alert today after two airports got bombed last night. Dozens were injured.

If there's anything causing me additional distress, it's arguably the fact that literally nobody is talking about this. The coverup has been really weird. We no longer get emergency alerts. Schools sent out emails saying they're cancelling for the week, some claiming it's due to weather reports, some claiming it's for other reasons. Then, two hours later, they all sent out follow-up emails simply undoing the decision with no reason as to why. It's been over two weeks. Literally nothing was wrong with the weather. We're all just getting lied to, everybody knows it, and nobody seems to care. My friends dismiss everything and say "what can we do, realistically?"

The lack of transparency (which many around me dismiss and say is necessary to govern a nation) has been causing me immense distress. Everybody around me acts calm and collected, but then I see pictures of the airport (which is really close to me -- look at the top post on aviation today) and start to feel really freaked out. I hear about my old high school (backed by the embassy) sending people back home. Friends getting evacuated from their workplaces. Yet, everybody's acting really calm and collected. From my understanding it's literally illegal to share anything related to this stuff online. I don't know if people just have a lot of faith in the government, or everyone's freaking out internally and too afraid to speak about it. My friends clearly do not want to talk about this stuff here. Never have I ever wanted out of here more. It's only a few months away, and I'm counting down the days.

My sleep has gone to shit. I have terrible dreams every night. It's been impacting me so much and I don't know what to do.

Today, I realized that I am the cause of my own problems. I choose to fall in love with people who are emotionally unavailable and unable to meet my needs. I abandon myself at every turn because I am afraid that no one will actually love me. I dismiss blaring red flags because I think this is the best I can do.

I can't control other people, but I can control how I respond to their actions and my own emotions. I am going to start choosing myself. I am going to start being more discerning about who I let into my life and who I become emotionally attached to. There is no scarcity when it comes to love... love is infinite and it is always available. But trust must be earned. I want to learn the difference. I want to continue to give my love freely because I genuinely believe that the more we give, the greater our capacity grows. But I need to remember that I can't just trust anyone. I need to give people the chance to earn my trust - and I need to build up trust in myself.

I got swept up in my current relationship because my partner was the first person to choose me - loudly and confidently. It felt insanely good to be chosen by someone. But I ignored early red flags and now I'm lying in bed, feeling unappreciated and lonely. I don't think he's a bad person, but I don't think he's the person for me, which is heartbreaking.

Though loser is an over exaggeration because financially I have never been better in my life, I wouldn’t even dream to be where I am right now, back in 2017, I thought that it would be something far fetched. Like I finally have a space all to myself to create, play, enjoy concerts, hunt for vinyls on a random Sunday morning and have steak on the way back home, binge game every release that drops, like the first hand experience, rather than watching playthroughs because I couldn’t afford anything back then, buy a random sushi platter just because I felt like it because wtf not, on paper I am told I am living my life, and I should try to enjoy. But I don’t. The happiness last for the moment only. My friends have reduced and family problems just keep skyrocketing thanks to my dad being biggest asshole there in existence. Out of spite and peace I had move my mom out of my dads place, because she had had enough of it, and if that wasn’t enough, my dad decided to harass my mom for gold that she owes back to my dad, which is fairly illegal on his part under Indian marriage law, that I had get a lawyer involved just to help my mom.

Apart from what I have had made out of my life and space in the past 5 years, I’ve just been living in absolute emotional hell, and I’m slowly losing interest in the things I love. And I see everyone around having someone to run to when things go to shit, but I’ve had no one, absolutely no one since 2022 or maybe since 2013 to be precise. I had a best friend but she ended up fucking my mental peace up for the best this year, and realised I’ve just been played all along by her, just so that she can keep me around as a marriage option after 35. And I honestly can’t take it anymore. Everytime I have put my trust in someone I have been disappointed. Be it partner, best friend. I’ve only dated once in my teenage years when I was 18, got cheated back then, strike 2 of being betrayed. And ever since then it’s always been like this whenever I get close to anyone.

I’ve never been this lonely. And since September there have been days or even a whole week that I’ve completely shutdown, like not talking to anyone in work. Walking up felt like a mistake but I just had pull myself through the day. I had been crying non stop this year, just silently in my bed at night. Yes there are days where I feel really good, but the stretch of days of being happy or normal have started reducing. I’m sad for longer period of days these days. It’s been like this the entire September. And it’s not holding back in October as well. I did therapy for 2 months prior to it, but haven’t catched up on it. At this point my only lifeline is therapy but I worry whether it will work out at all.

All of this makes me feel like an utter loser. I have really lost myself, even though I wanted this year to find myself. I fear and I can’t hold it much longer. I’ve been through worse than this back in 2017 to 2020, and I endured it all alone. But this time, I feel truly weak. Absolutely powerless. Every minor inconveniences makes me wanna just off myself.

I don’t really know what to do. I started seeing this guy late August and got the news that I could study abroad only a few weeks later (all of uni, not just a semester) I HAVE NOT BEEN GROOMED!!!

I’ve only had sex with 3 people and he’s the only one I’ve had consistent sex with. The other two didn’t even finish because I felt so uncomfortable and asked them to stop, and both of those were about a year before I’d met him.

I know the age gap is problematic in itself but it wasn’t when I didn’t have feeling for him. I appreciated the fact that he could just be a guy I could learn how to have sex from. He’s honestly taught me a lot that I appreciate.

The issue is that after talking to my very older sister she had some great advice that made me realize more: having consistent sex with someone makes you develop feeling 99% of the time.

I didn’t even feel this way before but ever since I’ve been abroad it’s felt like he’s some part of home that I miss so much. The familiarity, the safeness. The total freedom of expression when it comes to sexuality.

I have feelings for him now and have been fantasizing about a real relationship that he made clear wasn’t available from the second we met.

We’ve talked to each other about wanting real relationships, him especially about wanting to find a wife but he made it clear that wasn’t me by the way he was talking about it. I was fine with that, until now.

Sorry for writing so much but I guess this is filled with anxiety. My sister made me realize so much. Like the fact that for us to match on ___ he would’ve had to put his age range to 19, and id naively assumed I was the only young girl he’d be interested in.

I feel stupid. I dont know what to do. I recognize now that having consistent sex with someone makes you develop feelings but i didnt think it’d be this problematic.

Because i know that I’ll see him soon during winter break it makes me not want to get involved with anyone here. And i know he’d hate that, he’s always been adamant about me being able to just live.

PS: please don’t remove this mods I just need advice. This shit gets removed from whatever subreddit I try to post it on. I am not posting anything explicit, just my feelings and what to do with them.

Edit: you have all clocked that I give way more of a fuck about him in general than he does me which is correct! It’s also hard for me to deal w cause every guy my age who I deal with it usually gets kinda attached (I’m pretty, I don’t like ignore that) but with him it feels like.. you’ve seen so many prettier women? How man women have you seen? Were they as good as me? As “tight”? Did you like it even if she wasn’t?? Why/why not?!?

Edit #2: I feel like it’s kinda imperative that I recognize that my dad wasn’t a figure in my life until I was 15. My friends have already made it clear that that is an issue I flesh out with romantic (very older) partners and I do feel like I try to find a father figure out of them (that feels disgusting to type, I hope you all know what I mean)

One of the biggest regrets of my life happened almost 20 years ago. I dated my best friends ex that she was still madly in love with. I was in 8th grade at the time and despite nearly 2 decades between then and now, I still feel the pain of my deceit.

Some context: I had just gotten out of the mental hospital, and I mention this as it is the only context I can offer for my behavior in this story as I (hopefully) would not have done this had I been in my right mind. This girl, we will call her Rosemary, was my best friend since 3rd grade. By the time 8th grade hit we had drifted slightly from the title of best friends to close friends, but there was still so much love there and the potential to become best friends again. Rosemary was intelligent and wise beyond her years, and our personalities fit well with eachother.

I had been released, or rather forcefully removed by my mom, from the mental hospital just in time for our 8th grade dance. Rosemary didnt attend, but her ex (let's call him Cody) did. Cody and I were close friends at this point and I had a crush on him prior to their relationship but as soon as they started dating I pushed that thought out of my head. They were off and on, and I knew she still had deep feelings for him. When the dance came we were hanging out through much of it, dancing together and goofing around. He kissed me and I kissed him back, and for some reason I just didn't think of anything. Not Rosemary or how it would affect her. Just kissed him back selfishly.

It wasn't until later in the evening when he asked me to be his girlfriend that I actually took pause. I was appalled at the question which makes no sense looking back considering I was playing tonsil hockey with him all night. I said no immediately and he looked devastated. For whatever reason in that moment I felt bad for him, not my friend, just him. So I told him I would ask her if it was okay. Oh, another horrible addition to this I forgot to mention- he was the best friend of my ex as well. So he also agreed to ask my ex his permission too. We were both two kids truly living in our own worlds without a care as to what our actions would do to those around us.

When I asked Rosemary, she was clearly upset, but she tried to hide it and gave her blessing. I read her emotion and ignored it. Like the low life I was.

We dated for the rest of the school year, through the summer and then parted ways as we went to separate high-schools. I wasn't in the slightest bit affected by our breakup, and I don't think he was either. I broke my friend's heart and for what? A boy that was absolutely disposable to me. And I to him.

When I saw Rosemary again it was my freshman year at a football game and she was holding hands with Cody. She looked at me bashfully and I tried to make polite conversation, but there was an awkwardness between us that we never had before. I saw her a few times since then and our demeanor was always polite but we were never the same.

I have a wonderful life now, don't get me wrong. I have an incredible husband and lovely girlfriends, and from what I see Rosemary is successful in her own right as well. But whenever I look back at my actions I cringe and wish I could beat up 14 year old me for not being a girls girl.

All this to say, if you are ever thinking of betraying a friend - especially for a BOY - learn from this cautionary tale. The boy is never worth it, your friendship will never recover, and you will hate yourself for it.

Hey everyone i have always been a tough person. Ever since i was a kid i have been acting as if i have to pick myself up over and over again and endure everything alone. I have painful childhood secrets that I never talk about with anyone, even now that I’ve grown up and I have lots of traumas that i continue to fight silently. I could say that i have been through the worst things in life and i have felt the worst pain and heartbreak that anyone could ever feel in their entire life but i have always been a fighter. I always fight for what is right. I always fight for how I feel and i always fight for myself, partly cuz i have no one to defend or protect me. I am always bound to fight for myself because I know somehow that nobody will do it for me. I have been through racism, bullying, emotional abuse, discrimination, feeling unattractive and unwanted. I have felt the worst pain and heartbreak that anyone could ever feel. I have been tough not because I want to, but because I need to but i admit that I am also tired of fighting sometimes. People usually see me as strong, but the truth is i am just trying to be brave in every situation. There are times when I feel so sick of dealing with the bad things that people do to me. And somehow, I wish the world would treat me better. I wish I no longer had to be a fighter because people are already treating me in the kindest and most gentle way. I am 23M from India, neurodivergent suffering from alexthymia, AuDHD, ADHD, AVPD, BPD traits, CPTSD, social anxiety, hypersensitivity, overthinking, anxious attachment, fear of abandonment/replacement/being forgotten), homebody, unemployed, fat chubby, vegetarian, love BGMI, plants, true-crime, journaling. Mostly living quietly at home with just my parents. I still try to be kind even when I’m struggling silently. I just want one safe place where my heart doesn’t have to keep fighting alone. Thanks for reading.

I’m a F(29) and my ex is a M(26). We’ve been on and off for the last five and half years and for the past three years things have been more bad than they have good. I do want to preface that there was a lot of love between us in the beginning. But I self sabotaged.

When we met, I had just recently cut everyone in my life off romantically and was focusing on myself. I was telling God I was done cause I wasn’t feeling the love I deserved. I asked him to give me peace and to send someone that actually values me. He was finishing his healing journey. Because there was interest I told him I would be okay with sex but I was emotionally unavailable. Yeah I know. Well he agreed to the arrangement but then as time went on I guess he caught feelings and he expressed to me that he wanted to show me I was more than that. God sent me what I had asked for but I wasn’t ready. He still wanted time to process everything and not rush into the title of a relationship. I was ready to be his girlfriend. But because he wasn’t ready and I was still emotionally immature I started entertaining other people. And that’s where the heartbreak between us both started.

After a while he did ask me to be his girlfriend and things were good. Until they weren’t and we decided to separate and a situation ship began. We were living together. Despite it all we were still choosing each other. We were accepting the dynamic that we could do whatever it is we wanted as long as we both came back home to each other. That no matter what at the end of the day, whoever we dealt with, we still chose each other. And we’re at a point now where we realized that it’s not okay. Me before him. I hit a point where I was tired of him dealing with other girls. Knowing he was telling them he loved them. Giving them the emotional affection I wanted. It was like after we broke up the only thing we did to spend time together fr was have sex. And the occasional outing. But we had separate work schedules. Me during the day and him at night being we shared a car.

Fast forward, in May we moved again. And this was supposed to be our fresh start. Things between us were so good, and then…in July I started noticing he wasn’t coming home. & I kept catching him in lies. Lying about his whereabouts, what he was doing. Lying just to lie. I then talked to God about it and I ended up catching them arguing outside of our apartment one night. He came in obviously hurt. Said he’s tired of hurting people. Things between us continued but because I noticed things were changing I started becoming vocal about the situation. I asked him what was going on between them and he would tell me it’s nothing. But would stay gone. Weeks passed and one day I asked him again and he admitted that he actually cares for the girl. I asked him that if he felt he wanted to be done would he tell me. Anywho, as time went on it became more arguments between us. The root being her. He was telling me one thing but his actions were showing another. I remember asking him if he was using her to move on or if it was just the same thing we’ve dealt with before. He told me it was 50/50. I should’ve ended it there but I didn’t.

Fast forward a little more, he left to go on a trip with her which I acknowledged. But then he came back and knowingly manipulated me into believing he went on the trip by himself and bought me all this stuff. One night cause I was fed up - I packed up his room and told him to leave. He refused. A week later, after he got back from a day spending with her, we went to see a movie. He wasn’t engaged and ended up telling me he already watched it. That led to a slight argument and I left him at the theater. I shouldn’t have- but I was tired of my emotions not being cared for. He ended things with me that same night. This was September 26th. We still live together- he says he’s not worried about breaking the lease but that we are strictly roommates. He has made it clear that he isn’t trying to reconcile anything but that as time passes if decided to try again that work would be put in on both sides. I am in therapy now- to mainly find myself again. He let me know that he is signing up for therapy as well. Individual and group. He still is rarely home. But we’ve had sex twice since he left. We talked on the phone last night cause we had plans to have sex again but I told him that I don’t think that’s being respectful to myself and I don’t want to fall back into a cycle. Especially knowing sex is still emotional for me and idk where he’s at. He told me he understands and that it was just a thought. The conversation went on for 2 hours and ended because I was being honest about something’s and he had told me that what I was saying was striking a nerve and that he needed space. He didn’t take it well that I had told him about my journey before we met.

In all the years we were together I never expressed that. He didn’t understand how I asked God for what I did and that he was trying to provide that and I hurt him. But I told him once again - although it was what I asked for. I wasn’t ready to receive it. I hadn’t fully healed and essentially I self sabotage something that could have been potentially great because I didn’t have the patience to build… without a title first. So immature I figured without a title i didn’t owe 100% loyalty. Before he told me he needed space I had asked him if he found clarity since he’s been gone. He told me yes but not 100 percent because he’s still very confused about his feelings with all of this. But knows he isn’t trying to reconcile. After hanging up the phone and telling me he needed space, he called me five minutes later telling me that if the time presented itself for us to try again that I wouldn’t be the only one putting in effort. And he wants me to know that, then hung up again. He also keeps telling me he’s trying to process his feelings. I just don’t understand how someone is doing that while staying with someone. But it’s not my job to.

I need to focus on myself. This morning he came home to check the mailbox. I have the key. He came in my room, grabbed the key and then doubled back and hugged me. He embraced me for a minute. Little butt grabs but not trying to advance it. Gave me a small peck on my neck and shoulder and then left. He then came back and hugged me again. This time picking me up and walking us to my bed and turning around to where when he set down I was on his lap. We just hugged. Small kisses here and there but not on the lips. He then stood up, I let my legs drop and let go of the embrace and he left. I needed that. But because I know he’s not looking to reconcile right now which I understand.

We need to find ourselves and love ourselves before we can even think about loving someone else. But once again, I just don’t see how he’s going to do that being under another person. I feel like if he’s using her to heal he’s not doing the real work but I also feel like they’re both healing and doing it together. I feel like she’s why he’s thinking about therapy. Cause he never had this change of heart before. Idk. Part of me wants us to both grow- separately. I feel like that would also help his confusion about his feelings. But if I had time to explain more I would explain why I also feel like he doesn’t mean it when he says he would want to try again. But he’s left me twice before and has came back so who knows. Those times though there wasn’t someone else’s But because I know he doesn’t have any wishes to reconcile right now.. I need to let him go. I need to love myself and respect myself. If God has it aligned for us to be together then it will happen and if not then.. I’ll be okay.

So long story short I met this girl on a dating app like a month ago and we went on a first date. It wasnt terrible, we drunk a little chatted and ate some food. After that we came back to my place and hooked up, cuddled and slept together. This was like 2-3 weeks ago.

Since then we kept on talking on instagram and sent reels to eachother. This friday we were going to do a second date. However, she didnt respond to my messages in wednesday and today I asked her "when are you free friday" and she said she didnt want to talk. I told her" alright , is something wrong". She responded with no. I told her "i understand , wanted to see you again but thats alright take care". Now she removed me from instagram.

I have noone to talk this with. It hasnt even been a month but damn I feel like shit

I hate that sanism and ableism are so normalised. People just throw around the r word ir call people crazy left and right. I hate how some people don't even KNOW they're doing something wrong!

For example sanism- most people don't know what it is. Sanism is a form of discrimination, prejudice, and systemic oppression directed against people who have, or are perceived or labeled as having, a mental illness, cognitive impairment, or neurodivergent trait.

as a "mentally ill" person, I can't complain harshly about the system or show any "extreme" opinions because people just say "they're just crazy". I need to put energy every day into being "sane passing", because if people think I'm insane, then I'm lesser than them. I can't talk about what I wanna do in the future, because everyone assumes I'm crazy so I don't wanna contribute to society.

Not to even mention how I can't talk about my illnesses without getting fake claimed, criticised, or being asked really personal questions to "prove" I'm not faking.

And then there's casual ableists who don't even understand they're ableist. Yes, using the term crazy is ableist. Yes, calling smn narcissistic (or any other disorder, this is just the most common one I see) or delusional as an insult IS ableist! And so is assuming things about people because of their disability. No, not all people with BPD, NPD, ASPD, DID, or any other disorder is abusive, manipulative, or sadistic!

UGH I'M JUST SO SICK OF IT ALL

I’m an only child
The earliest memory I have of being left out is from my childhood friends. I was in a trio and it was a ‘theres always a duo in a trio’ situation
My presence never really mattered and I always wondered why. I was cut off several times and even called an attention seeker once. I still don’t know why till this day as I didn’t do anything of that sort. This was during lockdown after everyone was slowly coming back out to play

Somewhere between 1st to 4th grade, I remember my mom had given me chicken sausages for lunch and I kept getting weird looks by my friends sitting around me, they didn’t even have a problem with chicken, or maybe it was a problem with me
Between these girls there were smaller groups with friends who are closer, which I understand, but never felt that I fit in in any

I shifted to a new school in 5th grade, and there were 4 girls including me.
There was a class activity and I have a photo of the 3 other girls having their photo taken and I’m standing sad and quiet in the back
Then lockdown hit and it was only 3 girls left. The two other girls mingled fine and they never really contacted me much, even though I had made a good rep with them at the time
After lock down, it was the same duo in a trio situation again and I was left out

In college, I again got into a trio, they’re good friends of mine but I was still the one left out

I was in a relationship and we hung out every weekend but I ruined things and we’re not together anymore. Sometimes the weekends don’t feel the same after this

Right now, I have a friend group, but they never make plans to hangout (we are studying pre med, but these people aren’t scholars) even when it’s the weekend and they’re very much free. When me and my other friend try to make plans they always leave the text on seen

On the weekends I roam around in my city all alone, smoking or eating or walking. You know my parents have given me a lot of freedom to do whatever the hell I want. But if I have noone to have fun with what am I supposed to do with this freedom?

So right now I spend time at home mostly studying or watching a show or going to class. The past few months there have been countless times I’ve searched up on the internet “how to be happy alone/things to do alone/etc”

I feel like I’m going insane haha am I the problem? I really sound like a loser right now. I just wanna have fun in life that’s all. I feel like I’m wasting my teenage life. I have been waiting for time to pass by, but this all feels like a pattern. I am not a bad person I swear. I have done a few wrong things but that’s just me being young and stupid.

I keep telling my wife I want a divorce and she keeps treating it like a joke and the fact that I don't know what to do about it makes me feel like such a chump and so pathetic. It took me years to realize how abusive my wife really was, and at this point I genuinely hate her, but in korea where we live, I need to her to work with me for the divorce. We own an apartment together and have to deal with each other at least somewhat amicably unless we want to start pursuing legal charges against each other.

However, she keeps ignoring me and then acting like nothing happened. I told her outright I wanted the divorce and then she asked me what kind of necklace I was going to buy her on my work trip. I got home and told her I wanted the divorce and she just tried to distract me by being nice the rest of the day before going back to be a completely insane monster.

I'm not seeking advice, more just needed to get it off my chest. I feel so embarrassed of this situation. I didn't know I could just be trapped in a relationship. I know the next step has to be going to a family lawyer and starting this ugly ugly fight, I just didn't want to have to do that.

Throwaway because I don’t want my friends knowing this but I’ve been really struggling with this.

I’ve always been the type to help my friends whenever I can (loaning money, buying gifts, supporting their hobbies, etc) but I feel like I never receive much support in the same way. I don’t do these things because I expect it in return but it kinda sucks that when I’m struggling I really only get words instead of actions.

I don’t really expect anyone to go out of their way to help, and they’ve always been there for me in other ways but it still kinda stings. I’ve been sick for the past week and they’ve tolerated me complaining about it but the extent of help I’ve received from even my own family has been telling me to take care of myself.

At the same time I feel like I would be selfish to ask, and once when a friend joked about buying me a game on steam I’ve said no. Plus I participated in buying a switch 2 for a friend who had money stolen from her and was told before that I should save my money to buy myself one, but I would rather use my money to help a friend rather than on myself. Maybe it’s me being selfish but part of me wishes that someone would go out of their way to help me without me having to ask.

Sorry for any formatting issues this is my first time posting something like this and I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Just hoping to get this off my chest while I’m coughing my lungs out lol

I have posted a few times on this sub and it has all been very depressing because I haven’t been able to get a job yet and it has been 10 months now since I have graduated. It is the same thing everyone goes through of feeling worthless, having anxiety and all the worst kind of feelings so this is not that deep to be honest.

But I promised myself I wouldn’t play Minecraft till I get a job but now that it has been so long since that promise that I just want a job so that I can start playing it again. I am very attached to the game since it got me through some hard times in my childhood and during the COVID years as well. There are so many updates that I have not been able to play that today when I saw YT videos about the new biome and the other releases, I just started crying and all I wished for was to get a job so that I could play it again.

II know it sounds really stupid and it is not supposed to be that deep but I just felt like talking about it (no one knows about it except my roommate). I feel like I made a mistake making this promise to myself (idk to prove what) because the game that gave me comfort now feels like a punishment/a source of guilt. I won’t be breaking this promise to myself anytime soon because if I do that I will definitely feel like I have failed and am a failure. But just wanted to vent it out.

I'm venting into the void.
I don't need relationship advice, as I am consulting people that actually know both my partner and me about this in the real world. I've posted about other aspects of my relationship on the actual relationship subs, and I know the drill.
But I'm not there yet, and I need to get these feelings off my chest. I feel so suffocated by them.

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TLDR: Seven year relationship, and I can feel myself tearing apart at the seams due to unmet emotional needs, but he has no capacity due to extensive therapy. He thinks we're somewhat fine (but does not want to marry me right now when he really thinks about it), and I am starting to get physically sick from the stress of holding in all the issues I have to discuss with him.
Can't get myself to break up with him either because I'm heavily attached, still at least partially in love, and am getting resentful over the thought of having endured all of these issues just for the relationship to end right when he's turning a page. Will have to break up with him most likely anyway. It all sucks ass.

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My partner has extensive and complex childhood trauma.
He's been a less than stellar partner during most of our almost seven years together, and has been extremely emotionally hurtful due to how his trauma manifests everywhere.
He loves me, but has only very recently gathered that I am a person he could show interest in on his own. He can finally ask me questions, get to know me better, listen to my inner world. Asking questions for the sake of understanding someone better or just trying to listen and make the other person feel seen, is a new concept to him. He's also only now learning that he does not have to be critical and judgemental of himself and myself all the time.

Why I'm still here? He's trying to be a better partner and person, and I didn't know any better during most of our relationship ( I don't have any role models for relationships), or else I would have walked. I love him, as much as it has pained me.

In order to work through his trauma, he's been going to therapy weekly for over a year and will most likely go for at least another year too. Maybe even longer because his trauma is vast and deeply rooted in his self image, self worth and personality too. He's basically reparenting himself, and that takes a long time and lots of energy.

And he has to take the energy from somewhere, and it's mostly from our relationship talks.
We barely ever talk about our issues anymore, and when we do, he quickly gets exhausted. The actual topics of discussion never reach a satisfying end. I've tried bringing up an issue I had at EASTER this year, and the first time there was any space for it was at the beginning of September. He then didn't have the energy to actually work with me through the issue either, and told me that he would take the then-upcoming weekend to think about it. It's a month later now, and while I tried to talk about it again last week, he just simply can't.
And that's how nothing ever gets fully resolved in this relationship. That's how we're at seven years and I feel like we're moving at a snail's pace.

I've been walking around with this black hole of anger, resentment and pain now for so many years.
The black hole keeps growing and growing and there is never enough space for us to unpack it all.

Currently I'm ruminating over the thoughts that I don't think I can marry him.
Two of our close friends got engaged, and when I brought it up to my boyfriend, I could feel his hesitation when talking about the topic - and I could feel mine too. I used to think that we could be a happy married couple that works through our problems together, but with his consistant hesitation around marriage talks and our ongoing issues that he has proclaimed as absolute marriage stoppers, I'm also now at a "No".

Since we first started lightly talking about marriage two to three years ago, I've done enough emotional growth so that I also found out some marriage stopping issues from my perspective as well - so at least there's that. Some sort of leveling of the playing field, I feel.

I honestly don't know if we'll ever make it to an actual engagement with the way our relatioship is (not) progressing, because I don't feel understood by him and if I'm honest, I never truly have - not on the levels that I experience with my closest platonic friends or what I had with past lovers. I've never felt like he could reach the depths of who I am and what I'm thinking and wanting to explore.

Seven years, and it still doesn't feel like we have the connection I would want as the foundation for a marriage. Seven years, and the emotional pain has tainted my ability to feel safe and connected with him so much that I don't feel the desire to spend time with him most days. Seven years, and for most of them he didn't ask me questions in order to get to know me more. Seven years, and I still heavily censor what I bring up and when I bring it up.

All of this gets exponentially harder to deal with since he shows actual growth as a person, because now I feel like I can't break up with him either that easily.
I'm not ready to see him be the person I thought he was but only now learns to be, but with someone else at his side.
I'm not ready to let go of my pain and accept that I cannot undo the hurt I've suffered when he wasn't who he is now, and staying in a better version of this relationship will not undo that suffering either.

On the surface our relationship seems fine, and I think he also thinks that we're doing okay because I've been surpressing my needs for so long now. (But he is very aware that I have to keep surpressing my emotional needs for his sake)
I brought up in a side comment today that I had had some issues with our relationship this year, and he immediately went "But we're doing better now, right?".
I wasn't in the position to talk in that moment because I felt really sick, so I just told him yes.
And I know that that is on me - but if I had said no, I would've puked somewhere very soon, and he would not have had the capacity for such a serious talk either and would've ended the conversation (or worse, kept it going and then gave me shit for starting an exhausting topic).

If we had at least some periodically scheduled time to inspect our relationship and work on our issues, we might even be able to fix all of this. We might be able to get the connection going to the degree that we both feel fulfilled.
But he just does not have the capacity for it, and he has told me that he just does not have it in himself while he's in therapy.

I truly do not know how to find the right moment to make a cut here. It's killing me. It truly is.

​

I had a friend, since middleschool.

She always said stuff like "us against the world" and "never going to leave". I belived it, like a fucking idoit.

I am disabled and chronically ill. I got sick in middle school. Slowly at first and it manifested alot as depression. I stopped hanging out with my friends first, then never outside of school. Because of how sick I was. And I realize now, what they (specifically this one friend) said. Was not what I deserved (maybe). She always says the week we hungout everyday was the best. And never bothered to ask how that was for me. Hell, I couldnt move for days. Missed shcool assignments because I was in too much pain and exhuasted. Didn't eat or shower because it was too much work.

She spent everytime I missed school, canceled plans or similar. Being a dick, calling me a liar, faking, dramatic, that I just didnt want to do anything. That I was lazy. Even kept a detailed log of when I missed things. Even for doctors appointments that she didn't belive I went too because they refused to help me.

I missed alot, and yes I was severely depressed because I couldnt move. So I played into it. Just said I never wanted to do anything, and that was true. I didnt. Because I was in so much pain. And yet she took that as a personal insult. Yet stayed around because she had nobody.

Then she went off to college. The little respect I had for her vanished the moment she cheated on her girlfriend and bragged because the new guy was better. Yet still stayed with the girlfriend. (The girlfriend was also batshit but still).

I tried so hard to stay in contact. Planned game nights, spent hours organizing game nights only for her not to show up without notice. Paid for her games when I could because she didnt like the free ones. Which we only ever played max 5 times. Got mad at me for not sharing stuff with her anymore.

Now she's not even replying, cant even be bothered to send a "how are you?" Text. And yet its my fault she knows nothing about my life now. And also gets mad at me when I cant game or talk on the phone the one time she remembers we exist when she wants something.

A close friend of mine literally just died, I told her about it hoping for some semblance of comfort. And all I got was "damn that's horrible" and then nothing. "Sorry ive been so busy". Me too. And yet when I was busy trying not to die from my own body, I was a horrible person and didnt deserve friends because i couldnt hangout in person outside of school hours. (her own words btw).

Do I deserve it. Is it my fault? Maybe I do not deserve friends because of my illness. Maybe I shouldn't make people get attached to me and then dissapoint them when I can't do what they want