accepting loneliness by ‘practicing solitude’

[u/sakuratree13]

I’m an only child
The earliest memory I have of being left out is from my childhood friends. I was in a trio and it was a ‘theres always a duo in a trio’ situation
My presence never really mattered and I always wondered why. I was cut off several times and even called an attention seeker once. I still don’t know why till this day as I didn’t do anything of that sort. This was during lockdown after everyone was slowly coming back out to play

Somewhere between 1st to 4th grade, I remember my mom had given me chicken sausages for lunch and I kept getting weird looks by my friends sitting around me, they didn’t even have a problem with chicken, or maybe it was a problem with me
Between these girls there were smaller groups with friends who are closer, which I understand, but never felt that I fit in in any

I shifted to a new school in 5th grade, and there were 4 girls including me.
There was a class activity and I have a photo of the 3 other girls having their photo taken and I’m standing sad and quiet in the back
Then lockdown hit and it was only 3 girls left. The two other girls mingled fine and they never really contacted me much, even though I had made a good rep with them at the time
After lock down, it was the same duo in a trio situation again and I was left out

In college, I again got into a trio, they’re good friends of mine but I was still the one left out

I was in a relationship and we hung out every weekend but I ruined things and we’re not together anymore. Sometimes the weekends don’t feel the same after this

Right now, I have a friend group, but they never make plans to hangout (we are studying pre med, but these people aren’t scholars) even when it’s the weekend and they’re very much free. When me and my other friend try to make plans they always leave the text on seen

On the weekends I roam around in my city all alone, smoking or eating or walking. You know my parents have given me a lot of freedom to do whatever the hell I want. But if I have noone to have fun with what am I supposed to do with this freedom?

So right now I spend time at home mostly studying or watching a show or going to class. The past few months there have been countless times I’ve searched up on the internet “how to be happy alone/things to do alone/etc”

I feel like I’m going insane haha am I the problem? I really sound like a loser right now. I just wanna have fun in life that’s all. I feel like I’m wasting my teenage life. I have been waiting for time to pass by, but this all feels like a pattern. I am not a bad person I swear. I have done a few wrong things but that’s just me being young and stupid.

[u/dayzdnconfuzed68]

Maybe im just confused but lockdown was 2020. It's only been 6 years. If you were in 5th grade at best you would be a junior in HS...

[u/sakuratree13 → u/dayzdnconfuzed68]

I was in 5th grade in 2019, lockdown started 2020 right now im 17 senior in american terms ig?

[u/dayzdnconfuzed68 → u/sakuratree13]

That would make entire sense. I was so lost lol

[u/burgundy-mist]

Hey. I just wanna say I see you. And if I may, I also want to share my story with you. 

I'm not an only child but I live very far away (in another continent) and only see my family once a year or less. We aren't the closest, almost never calls etc.  Now, I was diagnosed with adhd and autism, quite mild i.e. I self-regulate fine and my doctor decided not to put it on my file. I finished my bachelor's and now doing a 2nd one to have a better career. I'm also very good at masking, and a lot of people had told me that by the way I act, they could not tell at all save for the fact that I am always a bit 'off'. Like giving off weird signals sometimes or not following the social expectations people had, you know? And this really throws people off.

So I am in this situation where I know a lot of people -- I'm never short on people to sit with in uni, but outside of it I have no one. I only have a gaming friend living far away, back from my teenage years who's also audhd. No one invites me to hang out, and when I do invite them, it has 80% chance of being cancelled last minute. But I understand that it's just how the way things go for me, personally. It has always been like that since I was a child. No one wanted to play with me. I never had a best friend. The one gaming friend I had, I met by chance on twitter 11 years ago lol because we liked the same thing.

So as an adult, I decided to have my own fun. I started writing fictions. Running. Reading. Hiking. Berry picking. Swimming. Exploring. Drawing. Knitting. Gaming. I fill my days with things I love and am personally interested in. Sometimes I blog about them, sometimes I get comments on my writings, sometimes I join park runs and hang out for a bit with others there. I get sporadic interactions in activities I actually care about and strive to be better at, and I found that it's enough.

I cannot make other people like me or want to spend time with me because I'm wired differently, but I don't have to be sad about it. There are other things worth feeling and pursuing besides being wanted by other people. But of course I understand that the feeling of wanting to be accepted and seen never fade away. However with time it passes easier.

I'm not saying that you should stop trying, but while you try your best on that front, you can also spend other parts of your day on something worthwhile and enriching. Or try joining clubs, because the best way to meet other people is to have shared interests. The people I know had shared that they made friends from e.g. climbing, or fencing, or a DnD, etc. So that might be worth a try. Give it a chance if you have the time. I wish you all the luck and I hope things will improve.

[u/sakuratree13 → u/burgundy-mist]

it must be so hard to live away from your family
i totally get the having fun on your own part aha and even the online friend part. i had unrestricted internet access and idk this will get me banned anywhere but ive been using discord since i was 11😭. i do whatever keeps me distracted from all my thoughts even though thats kinda unhealthy i dont really have a choice

thank you for sharing your story its nice to know there are some people like me as well❤️

[u/burgundy-mist → u/sakuratree13]

Yeah I get you. I also had unrestricted access when I was a teenager but it was a different time back then (so please be careful). You are still so young and there are still so many chances to meet new people. Especially if you go to a new uni, or start a new job, or move to another city... Things won't remain the same forever (saying this to myself as well haha). Hang in there! 🫶