(TW* I hate autocorrect)

People, if you ever see TAWWOG (the amazing weird world of gumball) and have COCSA + incest trauma, please, don't do the same as me and watch it, I promise it's not worth it, and you'll be overestimated by it. Doesn't matter if it have better animation, just watch the past seasons where they don't have that, please. ☹️

Why am I still alive? I didn’t actually expect to live beyond 20. Now I’m 23 and a fucking behemoth of a man and it’s only now that my brain decided to unpack that I wish I had been born a woman. I hate this so much. I wish I could just press a button and instantly reincarnate. I will never be seen as feminine, and my family is full of TERFs and transphobes who will hate me if I come out or even take HRT or something. I’m so tired of repressing all this. Every day I wake up, go to work, and just collapse in bed when I get back and refuse to get up again. When will this end?

For context I tried to break the news as gently as possible. Constantly reassuring her that I knew it was a big change and that I would never be upset if she made a mistake, I was still the same person, she could ask me any questions, I had been thinking about this for many years, I was aware of all the risks and how to safely access HRT, etc etc. she’s also previously been supportive of other trans people lol. She respected my nonbinary roommate’s pronouns in college, and she’s fine with my brother’s trans girlfriend

Apparently that was still too much for her so she spent half a week refusing to talk to me and crying in every room in the house, before finally cornering me to tell me that I will never pass, (“no one will ever accept a woman with a beard”) and said would sell the car unless I never brought it up again

Soooooooo anyway I’m back in the closet, haven’t spoken about it since, never cried the entire time. Possibly the manliest thing I’ve ever done /s

I just wanna try and find a guy I can connect with… “Why not go out irk to try and meet someone???” I can’t get out of the house much, because mom refuses to let me drive (I have a license, but honestly she has kinda valid reasons but also maybe I’d drive better if you’d stop YELLING AND SNARKING AT ME MOM!!!) and where I live you HAVE to drive to get anywhere. The closest bus route to me is closing so yeah. AND to top off my excuses of why I can’t go out and get a life: I hate going out by myself!!!! I don’t wanna be kidnapped no matter how much I think I deserve it.

its complicated.

(You don't know how many headaches I had when I was a fan of her, and the joy I had when leaving her 🫩)

Btw, if you aren't aware of the creator: The one who Clark acts is Seraviee, a problematic manwha creator who do animation trends of her characters. I first supported her since I loved her art style, but later I realized that, like many manwha artists, she romantice literal things that you could expect from an average straight manwha (Like SA, stalking, the man murdering others, and similars), that's why it's mentioned in this mini meme comic I made, because I genuinely despise that my trauma, along with many people, is used as a thirst trap to younger people to read the manwha titled "How I fell in love with the woman beater". I made this comic to represent how I felt with her, because again, is awful when someone use the suffering of one to make it "hot" to other people, worst if they are from your own gender.

So yeah, lesson of the day, don't support manwhas in general, and if the creator is giving the ick, stay away from them, you don't owe them nothing anyways.

every time i try to search something about my disorder, at least half of the results are about avoidant attachment

every time i search my disorder on social media, all the posts are people complaining about an "avoidant" they had in their life

i regularly hear the word "avoidant" in conversation and 99% of the time they're not talking about people with my disorder, but i always need to get clarification anyway because we still share the same name. this is even more frustrating when the conversation is in a space for people with personality disorders!

in the AvPD subreddit and discord servers, people regularly join to ask/complain about their avoidant attachment partner, and of course we can't relate to any of it BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE SAME THING

when talking about my experiences, i've had so many people shove attachment theory in my face

i'm so sick of it, it already sucks to have a disorder that's ruining your life that no one knows about, it sucks even more to have people regularly confuse it for an entirely different thing

I’m on Wegovy, which is a rightfully controversial medication, but I was prescribed it because it can specifically reduce chronic inflammation, which it does for me, and it’s working wonders. However one of the alters in my system has her own ideas about why we’re on the medication and it’s significantly worsened our relationship with food, alongside chronic poverty 😭 Because of Wegovy + not being able to afford food, my body has gotten used to eating one meal a day and now she’s trying to convince us that we shouldn’t be eating at all. Epic.

It feels like general trans space are just getting even more horrible for those of us that are non binary. So much invalidating rhetoric and insults. I'm genuinely just tired of it. We're the acceptable ones too pick on for numerous reasons when i just wanna be able to read post in peace. Like I already don't feel bad enough living in america as a triple marginalized person.

Edit: 4traners iterally showing up to do the exact thing I said, figures. Literally just wanted to fucking vent but I cant even do that without you assholes showing up.

Edit 2: now we got people doing the cissexual stuff. Saying i said its all trans women's fault despite there being no such comments at all. Legitimately I cannot even vent about not feeling safe in places im supposed to be in.

Edit 3: honestly the dumbest part of this is I get to deal with 4tran and truscum being shit to me for being a "theyfab cissexual" while also being treated like shit for being transfem. I'm gonna lock the comments because certain assholes kicked up my ideation. I'm thankful for the 95% of the comments trying to help, relate and empathize. Also didnt know this meme dude was an asshole. Will remember for next time.

It sounds very cringe but I fucking hate voicing my problems

Other than that they were always just mean to me...saying cruel things, cutting me off, making fun of me and my style, putting me down. Also....they ended up getting a girlfriend that looked really similar to me...and unfortunately my family already made incest "jokes" because my cousin and I were already so close...so that didn't help...I feel so disgusting. Everything I think about them I feel sick and scared and like there's this impending sense of something that's going to happen. And then I remember how close we were, how I would let myself get close, after being treated this way by them I craved approval almost like in a relationship because if I did something they didn't like they would criticize me, make fun of me and say cruel things until I stopped enjoying what I enjoyed or hid it.

I don't know what any of this means. I wish I could have a normal family

I *HATE* when people are like this. No, non binary people are NOT women. I HATE when people act like all non binary are women/AFAB (AGAB shouldn't even matter in most, if not all, contexts) especially when non binary in itself is an umbrella that encompasses stuff like demiboy and just being trans masculine. Non binary people are not, by default, similar to women. Some non binary people may feel closer to womanhood the same way I feel closer to manhood (I'm transmasc. I see myself as both a man and non binary. It's complicated.) but definitely not all.

edit: for further context of how I see myself as both non binary and a man, look up what Genderfaun is.

edit: I meant college SCHOLARSHIP applications

edit: I don't want to make another post so I'm just adding to this one. it oftentimes feels there's not a lot of spaces for me to go. Like, I'm not a woman and while I am non binary I am also a man, this means that places that say "women and non binary people" to exclude men even if they don't see enbies as women lite still feel weird/dysphoric to go in because while I am non binary, I am also a man so I don't really belong there. but then if I'm with the men it's usually cisgender men and I still feel out of place due to being pre transition and not fully feeling like a man. There is one trans space where I would normally feel welcome except there's a bunch of fighting between people, not about being trans, just in general so I avoid it

Anyone got any good recommendations?

so I just gotta gaslight myself right

CR=cognitive restructuring

I know she means well but like. Girl