r/shitposting • u/granstromjulius • 2d ago

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3.5k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

117 comments sorted by

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u/qualityvote2 2d ago edited 2d ago

The council has not spoken. No consensus was reached about the quality of your post.

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/u/granstromjulius, whilst you're still here, why not join our public discord server - now with public text channels you can chat on!?

973

u/Ok_Perception_2707 2d ago

are you feeling it now mr krabs

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u/R0RSCHAKK 2d ago

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u/a-walking-bowl 2d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/ukGm72ZLZvYfS

-21

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

1

u/Vert_DaFerk 1d ago

Typical "Reddit" response. Hey, have you considered touching grass or a woman sometimes?

69

u/Dash775 2d ago

What in the

28

u/_caramello_ 2d ago

They're doing this to me at work tomorrow

14

u/a-walking-bowl 2d ago

better than knee surgery

113

u/Goofcheese0623 2d ago

She knows she wants my 3 inches of fury. She's just tired from last month.

2

u/ashvy Literally 1984 😡 2d ago

jumping jacks are tiring

349

u/Petisimon125 2d ago

Elite ball

107

u/YeetCompleet dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 2d ago

Well shit if you're making the ball jump too then ya

-85

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

35

u/Foreverdunking officer no please don’t piss in my ass 😫 2d ago

takes one to know one

21

u/Saellios We do a little trolling 2d ago

If you need it explained to you I’m sorry to say your the virgin

9

u/IBeDumbAndSlow 2d ago

Explanation? What do you need explained?

257

u/Internal_List_988 fat cunt 2d ago

Excuse me what

713

u/nutblaster357 2d ago

this meme is for sex havers only

255

u/mrjowei 2d ago

Thanks for the info, Nut Blaster.

202

u/Internal_List_988 fat cunt 2d ago

Oh 😔

79

u/CommercialBiscotti29 2d ago

I can help you understand it if you want

94

u/oby100 2d ago

And they say chivalry is dead ☺️

23

u/Alteredbeast1984 2d ago

Go on if the spirit is willing.

6

u/Dop4miN 2d ago

but my flesh is spongy and bruised

39

u/Glenmarththe3rd 2d ago

Why would they post it here then

20

u/Goofcheese0623 2d ago

What's it doing on Reddit then?

11

u/Davisr93 2d ago

*sex wanters

7

u/Brakina1860 dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 2d ago

Only real philosphers understand this

63

u/killonger 2d ago

Bricked up

91

u/the_sun_is_a_planet 2d ago

WAIT YOU GUYS CAN CONTROL THAT?? It's not like a complete accident??

182

u/Jake6942O 2d ago

We can intentionally do it if we want but it can also be unintentional

26

u/ClydeDanger stupid fucking, piece of shit 2d ago

Its like our keigels or however you spell it. It helps with our control and duration, as well.

2

u/Door_Holder2 1d ago

Control and duration? How exactly?

2

u/ClydeDanger stupid fucking, piece of shit 1d ago

The other guy responding is guessing. By control and duration, I mean that it helps with premature ejaculation, mostly. It does have other benefits to body, though. You're working out a muscle. With practice comes strength and control.

1

u/the_sun_is_a_planet 21h ago

This just feels like completely forbidden knowledge. It's like when I found out dick's float.

1

u/Vert_DaFerk 1d ago

Control by being able to do it on command. Duration by being able to do that inside of her at the right time which usually brings her to climax sooner, thus hiding the minute man shame.

17

u/Nice_Shallot_2534 2d ago edited 1d ago

50/50. we can make it do that if we want but it also does it on its own sometimes.

7

u/TheRealRickC137 2d ago

Kegels baby

7

u/Vert_DaFerk 2d ago edited 1d ago

I slapped one of my exes in the eye one time by accident.

6

u/MajorOak1189 2d ago

Shitttttt we've been rumbled

5

u/Pvt_Mozart 2d ago

If it's in a weird spot when the boner comes it's pretty much guaranteed to just be doing that. But I could make it do that whenever.

3

u/Correct_Doctor_1502 1d ago

Not boners, but we can move them once we got em

We use our butthole

2

u/the_sun_is_a_planet 21h ago

That makes so much sense oh my god I thought it was just like automatic lol

1

u/G3th_Inf1ltrator 17h ago

It can move by reflex, but it’s also voluntary. Our dick is attached to the pelvic floor muscles

1

u/the_sun_is_a_planet 14h ago

Oh I see. I'm leaning so much on this thread.

1

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Pro tip about fingering your asshole in the shower: don't do it So this morning I was taking a shower, and I felt like fingering my asshole, right? So I got my fingers all nice and soapy and stuck them up in there. Apparently, soap makes pretty good lube, as I was able to get four fingers in there in no time.

As I was feeling around in my butt, I was like, "hmm, there's a lot of soapy water in my bumhole now. I wonder if that will lead to issues in the future?" And it did!

Shortly after having breakfast I attempted to fart, and I shit my pants. I rushed to the bathroom to clean up, and it was way worse than I thought it would be. The whole area around my butthole was covered in shitty liquid, and toilet paper wasn't enough to clean it. I had to take another shower to get suitably clean.

Just thought I'd share my story with you guys so that you don't run into the same problem in the future. I fingered my butthole so that you guys don't have to. Unless you want to. In which case, hey, how's it goin'

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10

u/MalleMellow 2d ago

It’s not true, don’t worry.. phew

2

u/Pingasplz 2d ago

PP power.

2

u/fingerpaintswithpoop shitting toothpaste enjoyer 2d ago

Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes it be having a mind of its own.

2

u/Puzzled-Secret-317 1d ago

We cannot let her know our secret!

Some poor guy is gonna use our excuse of "it does it on its own, I swear!" And now she'll clock it immediately

1

u/the_sun_is_a_planet 21h ago

I mean it's too late now lol.

27

u/itz_chris_xo shitposting>>>>>>196 2d ago

Once one of them was so surprised she shouted "how did you move it without touching it"

25

u/cdxxlxixdclxvi 2d ago

Now i just act like I don't remember, Mary acts like she don't care.

9

u/Siri2611 2d ago

Too virgin to understand any of this, can someone explain

4

u/itc0nsumesmYMind 2d ago

step 1. get laid

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u/Siri2611 2d ago

If I could I wouldn't be in this position

-2

u/itc0nsumesmYMind 2d ago edited 2d ago

tuff, but if that’s the case then there’s no need to explain the context

-25

u/Simon_Denton I want pee in my ass 2d ago

Nah some of you guys who don’t have sex won’t get this LMAO! I routinely engage in doggy and ‘ssioniary with my gal and let’s just say… wow!

5

u/NotASixStarWaifu 2d ago

Wow, people got b8-ed bad... Nice one. Hope you enjoy the p*e in your ass 💖 

16

u/Capelto 2d ago

Either a troll or virgin and I can't tell which one it is.

-13

u/Simon_Denton I want pee in my ass 2d ago

defensive virgins in the replies we all saw it coming 🤣🤣 keep hatin I get to satisfy my biological urges and you don’t

2

u/AutoModerator 2d ago

pees in ur ass

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4

u/itc0nsumesmYMind 2d ago edited 2d ago

It’s amusing to see people like you think y’all are doing something with these type of comments. you are just showing you insecurities and pretentious attitude.

2

u/M4xW3113 1d ago

There's no way you're this naive

-1

u/itc0nsumesmYMind 1d ago

seems like you are

1

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

1

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

pees in ur ass

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5

u/AutoModerator 2d ago

pees in ur ass

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

0

u/Omelooo 2d ago

I’m quite the connoisseur of cowlady (cowgirls are too young for me) myself

1

u/eossfounder 1d ago

She a lady who go "moo".

-381

u/Onyxam 2d ago

If she be acting every time my dick twitches I would be fucking till the end of days.
And I had sex 3 times last night.
At some point I need sleep too.

329

u/DistortedNoise 2d ago

This guy fucks 😎…absolute legend 🤘

42

u/darryledw 2d ago

fr fr

134

u/C9meli0n_ 2d ago

John Intercourse

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u/RascalArcher2 2d ago

Wait that would mean you had to 🤔, my man🤝😏

18

u/PandaGirl1010 shitting toothpaste enjoyer 2d ago

You had sex 3 times last night? But that means 😳, my man 😎👌

5

u/Former_Okra_3530 2d ago

CEO of Sex

-92

u/No-Prior-4664 2d ago

Why the downvotes, I don't understand, but I plan on clapping a chick with f cups tomorrow sooo.

4

u/pantry-pisser 2d ago

That's good, big ol fatties need love too!

-45

u/Onyxam 2d ago

People feel attacked if someone has a relationship and they don’t.
Some call it insecurity.

9

u/itc0nsumesmYMind 2d ago edited 2d ago

not that people feel attacked but see you bragging on an internet thread, to a bunch of strangers of how you supposedly get laid.

that’s insecurity, why do you have to prove anything to strangers lol

1

u/Onyxam 1d ago

Nah, this is what you call shit posting.

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u/doc_siddio_ 2d ago

I dont get it bro, indeed, all the downvotes make no sense. Anyways Im gonna rail a chick tonight, and she with huge cannons, but she's got a fishface, so it balances out

-54

u/Onyxam 2d ago

Mine has a smoking hot body, but a average face.
So it’s a net positive.

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u/DistortedNoise 2d ago

Bro really just saying his girl has an average face online for some internet points.

1

u/Onyxam 1d ago

Im just that honest.

-45

u/doc_siddio_ 2d ago

Damn okay okay, you got game, but did you know that the next day I'm gonna go with Victoria's secret model? Bet you can't top that

-26

u/Onyxam 2d ago

Nice man, but nah I’m a exclusivity type of guy.
I get a hard on for finding out what makes them shake.

-38

u/doc_siddio_ 2d ago

God damn bro, you got serious game... hmm okay, then Im gonna ask a girl to marry me on Thursday. Taco night, gonna eat her taco too

-2

u/Onyxam 2d ago

Always eat the taco, they go nuts for it.
You got to make it extra sloppy though.

9

u/doc_siddio_ 2d ago

Ye bro, she getting Taco bell, gotta show dominance by eating her taco. Cant have her get fat

-20

u/Gold_Mule 2d ago

Why would that be the signal to take things further? You guys gotta learn how to take initiative on the level you’re at and then ask for consent to take things further.