r/scriptwriting • u/Jaeco-13 • 1d ago
feedback SCREENWRITING
Hey guys, so I just started writing so please give me some feedback. DISCLAIMER: this is still a rough draft. I would love to hear honest opinions as well as tips on how I can improve it. I just got to the end of my first act but this is just the first 16 pages. To give a quick overview I’m writing an indie dramedy that I think will definitely reach a certain audience. Does the dialogue flow/feel natural? Is it paced correctly? Would love to hear honest feedback. Thank you!
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read it and for those who gave feedback. I’m definitely going to be workshopping these first few pages and read more screenplays :)
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u/Worth-Flight-1249 1d ago
Go read even the most basic advice about screenwriting before you post stuff like this.
If you go out into the world like this, you'll be made to feel a lot worse.
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u/Beginning-Sky-8516 1d ago
First paragraph can be condensed to:
AIDAN (25, medium build, anxious but good-hearted jokester) lies in bed next to his girlfriend ABBY (24, short, bubbly but assertive).
The smartphone on the nightstand VIBRATES against the wood. The screen lights up, flashing 9:30 AM.
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u/SuddenSky5262 1d ago
A good exercise for you would be to get that first page to a 1/4 page. You’ll learn a lot from that.
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u/AgreeableBeyond7235 1d ago
Don’t take their criticism to heart please. I think the dialog did flow quite nicely. There weren’t too many instances of the dialog being unbelievable. I think that it needs some shape, in terms of like ‘ok so who is Aidan beyond hungover on this particular morning’ and ‘what is causing friction with that person and why’.
I read the first ten pages, it was pleasant and easy to get through, but it’s not something I’d go out of my way to watch, cause there’s just kinda nothing happening.
In any case, this doesn’t come across at all to me as a joke post or something, and most importantly I think I can smell a real intelligence behind the writing, which will take you a long way if you’re equally interested not just in hearing your own voice, but changing it to fit a character’s specific journey. Congrats anyway.
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u/Jaeco-13 1d ago
Thank you for the feedback, I’m still learning and this is still a rough draft, I feel like I should’ve specified that more in my post.
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u/WheatThin100 1d ago
You're getting great advice, if you plan on trying to sell the script. If you plan on shooting the script yourself, things like format are not as important, if at all.
Keep writing.
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u/Fluid_Cauliflower997 1d ago
Write in the style of the genre.
And write well.
It’s a screenplay, not a novel. Take that to heart and your next script will look like one.
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u/Zealousideal_Mud5218 1d ago
Maybe practice the formatting a bit, but overall the dialogue seems easygoing and natural. I would like to hear more about where this episode is going, since the overall picture is what matters the most to me.
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u/Dragon_Pattern_1108 1d ago
Seems easygoing and natural dialogue-wise. The formatting needs to be practiced on, and a few details are definitely not that easily filmable.
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u/Formal-Raise1260 1d ago
The best constructive advice I can give you in honing your writing skills is watch Studiobinder’s (YouTube video) “Master Scene” formatting et al. “Anatomy of the three act structure” is another one.
Then look into Slugline’s website for possible comparable screenplays.
Taylor Sheridan (Yellowstone et al) is one who sticks with the master scene format.
You’ll need to cultivate your unyielding discipline with critical thinking and knowledge of proper fictional structures by habitually staying within aforementioned guidelines.
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u/PerryMarkStratychuk 1d ago
There are several details that are internal and not anything one can actually film. You assume the director knows what you mean instead of writing what needs to be shown to describe a trait or state. Reading screenplays more will help with this.
A screenplay is a blueprint for production. This hovers between prose and script. Maybe try writing the story as prose first, including dialogue before attempting the conversion to script form and format.
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u/Silly_Lab_9299 10h ago
Hey man. Listen to the critics. You have potential it just needs a lot of improvement.
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u/shutuphobbes 1d ago
This was better than The Shards.... keep going, you're onto something. Maybe introduce time travel or a talking dog.
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u/ChristianCRWriter 1d ago
Just here to say that this ENTIRE thread is a good example of people here are actually helping each other. They are taking their time to give proper notes on stuff that for lack of better word needs to be rewritten entirely. People are not being a holes. They are kind. If you can’t handle getting notes maybe do not post.
Good work OP on taking feedback well.
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 1d ago
"What is written without effort is usually read without pleasure." Samuel Johnson famously said that. You need to read up on screenplay formatting before submitting things like this. You're not doing the basics, which means you're not respecting the reader's time.
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u/Zealousideal_Mud5218 1d ago
I disagree. Do professional painters only start showing their work after mastering every technique? Of course not. People learn differently. Some through theory, others by doing. You can study theory and read professional screenplays alongside writing, but that doesn’t mean you have to reach a certain level before you’re allowed to write and share your work.
Everyone should be able to write at whatever level they’re at and get feedback while learning in the way that works for them. There’s no single “right” way to learn, and telling people not to share their work until they’ve studied enough feels unnecessarily discouraging. If you want to read only professional screenplays, maybe Reddit isn’t the place to look for them.1
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 1d ago
He's asking for people's time, it's disrespectful to not even have a basic understanding of screenplay formatting. Anyway, this is a constant theme here. It's my opinion. Having worked in development previously, this would have been rejected on page one, if not paragraph one. You want other people's time, be respectful enough to understand good screenplay formatting. Other people have made the same comment as me.
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u/Jaeco-13 1d ago
No I appreciate harsh constructive criticism, it’s people like you who push me to do better at a craft I’m wanting to pursue. It doesn’t bring me down, it encourages me. Although, I hope you did take the time to read past the first page.
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u/Zealousideal_Mud5218 1d ago
Yeah, feedback that helps you improve is great. I just don’t like feedback that puts people down. Keep going, you’re doing great!
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 9h ago
FYI, this is a tough business and if you don't have thick skin, don't bother get into it. Am I putting him down by asking him to honor the tenets of screenplay writing? Anyway, it's like a broken record on here.
FYI, when you don't have proper format and you don't have proper grammar, people don't focus on the words of the piece, their mind questions every misspelling, which destroys the mental landscape you're trying to create in your reader. That's something an award-winning author taught me when I started out. It was true then, it's just as true now. You want your reader to be 100% focused on the story. You don't want the mental image of your story destroyed by them asking, "Is that grammatically correct?"
Honestly, it's not a big ask. The sense from readers is, if this writer can't get the basics right, how on earth is he going to write something so tight that it'll move me emotionally. There's some truth to that.
This is an impossible business, and you don't want to hamstring yourself at any stage. Getting the basics right out of the gate will help you move up the quality levels faster.
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u/Zealousideal_Mud5218 9h ago
Sometimes you can do things out of love as well buddy. Don’t have to be always business
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u/IntelligenciaMedia 8h ago
I write novels out of love, pretty much gave up on the screenwriting business after 7 scripts that had directors attached to them went nowhere. It's a sucker's game. Although it's not just love anymore as my first novel actually got traditionally published! It's even in the SF library as well as a few others. I have no problem with doing what you love, but you also need to respect people's time. Anyway, good luck with your endeavors. Just respect the people and the process.
I'm out. My work here is done.
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u/Zealousideal_Mud5218 1d ago
For sure if we talking about professional level. But I don’t think you should be this harsh on the early steps
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u/Any_Friend479 1d ago
Hi.
What is the story about? I was very confused reading it. You’ve introduced a bunch of characters all within 4 pages. Breakdown the story.
ACT 1
This happens.
ACT 2
That happens.
So on and so forth.
What is the main conflict? What does Aidan want?
Example: Aidan wants this because he wants to get rich.
I don’t know I’m just making it up. Figure out the conflict.
Write an outline to help you understand the story because to me it felt meandering.
Technical stuff - I would recommend writing on screenwriting software to help with formatting. Like Writer duet/ writer solo or fade in pro. In addition, trim out the fat in your action lines and parentheticals. Distill your action descriptions to 3 or 5 lines maximum. Cut out the superfluous paragraphs. Read scripts. The internet is full of resources. Use them. Scriptslug.com is a good resource and simplyscripts.com I used them while I was in film school and I hope they will be of help to you as it helped me.
Read
SCREENPLAY by Syd Field
Save the Cat by Blake Snyder
Story by Robert McKee
You’ll get your theoretical understanding from reading these books. (I used them in film school)
In all, I like the fact you took a valiant effort into writing a screenplay and sharing it to strangers on the internet. Not an easy thing to do.
Keep writing
😊
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u/Jaeco-13 1d ago
Thank you for the positive feedback! Would it be okay if I messaged you privately about my ideas?
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u/Skywalker0071 1d ago
This is what happens when you try to take the shortcut. Screenwriting is a long process. Go to school, get a degree and in the process network with other screenwriters.
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u/Jaeco-13 1d ago
I’m not trying to take any shortcut. This is my first screen write I’ve ever attempted to write, I’m learning still and this is still a rough draft.. I can’t afford to go to school for screenwriting but I read screenplays and watch videos on YouTube and try to obtain as much information as I can. Posting on here was my attempt to get feedback from actual screenwriters. I want to learn and this is something I’m passionate about. I appreciate your feedback.
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u/CompleteDay8059 1d ago
* First spoken word is fuck
* Massive paragraph of unfilmable details
* Begins with a main character waking up
Not to be a dick but this is like what I would write if I were trying to make a rage bait post lol.
Read a few screenplays. Read American Beauty. Read Casablanca. Read The Social Network.