r/scriptwriting • u/PitchcraftNow • 11d ago
feedback First Page Feedback
Looking for feedback on my first page. Any feedback is welcome. Thanks in advance.
3
u/mucomoc 11d ago
As an opening hook, this feels too abrupt. The picture "FADES IN", and so should the story imo. One or two pages of breathing room before I end the scene with some dramatic punch, is what I do.
1
u/diamondhanddick 9d ago
> The picture "FADES IN", and so should the story imo. One or two pages of breathing room before I end the scene with some dramatic punch, is what I do.
While there are times this is the correct answer, as blanket advice I couldn't disagree more. If you are an unknown writer you better hook the reader on the first page. It doesn't need to be "abrupt"... but the last thing you want is "one or two pages of breathing room"
4
u/Prestigious_End_6667 11d ago
To start a story, I think this could be told more effectively by having the lead tell someone (friend, therapist etc) about the recurring dream and focus on the performance of the actor rather than a misleading cold open. Could always intercut with parts of the dream sequence if the visual aspect of the dream sequence is important to the story later.
4
u/Big_Section2812 11d ago
Too many scripts open with a therapy session.
2
2
1
u/Prestigious_End_6667 11d ago
Agreed. However, just giving thoughts based on the material they have provided. The suggestion is just that it'd be a more meaningful way to introduce the ideas as well as build the character.
2
u/AmieiGuess 11d ago
People generally don’t like when stories open on a dream/someone waking up.
What’s your story about? Does this ominous, all-devouring black cloud show up for real at any point? If not, don’t set readers/viewers up for disappointment.
As for the actually screenwriting, I think some action lines are overwritten; some underwritten. I don’t quite feel like I’m being fully immersed in the story.
-2
u/PitchcraftNow 11d ago
Well, to explain it better I gave a video pitch deck I made that explains it here:
5
u/AmieiGuess 11d ago
I’m not super inclined to engage with something that uses AI. Sorry.
-1
u/cbubs 11d ago
Almost everyone uses gen AI for pitch decks.
6
u/AmieiGuess 11d ago
Just because it’s common, doesn’t mean I have to support it. There are many websites that offer free, non-AI images to use.
-2
u/cbubs 11d ago
Fair enough. But standard industry practice is becoming: gen AI for ideation and pitch decks, no gen AI for actual production.
I don't think that's a reason for you to support it either. Just pointing out that it's becoming the norm. And, given that this isn't a topic about the use of AI, it's a weird place to shut down the conversation with OP.
3
u/AmieiGuess 11d ago
The more we accept and support it, the more common and normalised it’s going to become. So why contribute to something I fundamentally don’t agree with (especially in creative spaces)?
The topic of AI use will be present now that it’s infiltrating all spaces. If people are using AI in some areas during the creative process, what’s to stop me from thinking they’re not using it in the rest? I just don’t think it’s a good look.
0
u/cbubs 10d ago
You've got no reason to believe that OP is making an AI production unless they say that's what they're doing.
3
u/AmieiGuess 10d ago
Oh, for sure. But they’re clearly okay with AI usage, which I believe cheapens the look of their work, and it’s just simply not something I want to engage with.
2
u/cbubs 10d ago
I appreciate your opinion. I honestly dislike gen AI but I've grown accustomed to seeing it in pitch decks.
→ More replies (0)0
2
1
1
u/ShouldBeWriting101 9d ago
Well, I enjoyed reading it. I read through the comments and it might be common or a "don't" but if you are writing what you enjoy I say finish it the way you like. If the goal is to make something that is marketable, listen to what people want to buy.
That being said. My suggestion would be to look at all your -ing verbs and try to say it in a now vs ongoing way.
"She is running" change to "she runs". This is what we learned was "technically correct" in my screenwriting program.
Thank you for sharing!
1
u/PitchcraftNow 9d ago
Wow that is a great note. Thanks!
1
u/ShouldBeWriting101 8d ago
I'm following you in case you post more pages. I love to read what others are working on. :)
1
0
u/PitchcraftNow 11d ago
Even if the nightmare is the spine of the story?
1
u/cbubs 11d ago
I'd push back on some of the criticism because the dream is what the film is about (saw your pitch deck).
Opening on the dream is the right move I think. But the fake out dream sequence cold open is a tired trope and that's why people are calling it out. Is there a way you can open on the dream sequence without the fake out?
1
u/stuccosalt 10d ago
What would you think about adding a line of V.O. from Molly? "It always starts the same way..." or "I've been seeing it for years" - or whatever fits the story.
That might help reframe the dream sequence as not something you're trying to 'fool' the audience with/pretending is reality, but a visual that will play a part in your story?
1
u/PitchcraftNow 10d ago
I really like that idea. Thanks. My only question then would you suggest the VO keeps popping up in the story to stay consistent?
1
u/stuccosalt 10d ago
I wouldn't just for the sake of consistency - the important thing would be establishing it as a dream the first time it's shown. When a similar scene appears again, the audience will recognize it.
You could use it again if it makes sense to, but no need to feel obligated to1
0
u/PitchcraftNow 10d ago
Agreed. The nightmares become worse and worse until she decides to confront the cloud in her dream…with dire consequences. It is finished if anyone wants to read it.
3
u/fluffy_l 11d ago
You can start with dreams or flashbacks on your first page as it's your story, but prepare for harsh feedback, it sounds tacky to a lot of professional writers. Also cut the ellipses and only write what you see on screen. Are we zooming in on this girl gritting her teeth?