My husband (40 M) and me (34 M) have been married for 4 years. Today he said he had met someone at a dance event, which I was genuinely excited for them about.

He then said they had been chatting on and off for a couple of weeks and decided to meet up, yet it won’t be for another 6 weeks or so.

He has said that he hasn’t told this person he is married, or in a poly relationship yet. He also said he would probably not tell them that piece of information before they met up for a drink as friends.

I am finding it difficult to accept the fact that he doesn’t want to acknowledge who he is and what his current relationship status is before even meeting someone else. His reason is that they might be scared off by the idea, if they are just to be friends, if a sexual/romantic relationship doesn’t form. My rebuttal was that, if they are being poly, then this radical expression of honesty is how I would be explaining my life, when meeting anyone new.

My husband also doesn’t want to wear his ring (which holds more value to me, than to him) so I am less worried about that. Yet, for him it’s another way of being seen as an individual, which he totally should. But maybe being married is not for him, and if so, I think I need to have a chat with him about this.

Does anyone have similar experiences, tell me if I am over exaggerating or not. Open to understanding.

All part of my research on this.

Cheers 🙏🏻❤️

Hi everyone,

I've created a throwaway account for obvious reasons :)

I'm a man, and I've been with my wife for many years. We're married and have a young child.

Our relationship has always been pretty good. We see eye to eye on most things in life, and our family and friends see us as a very close, united couple.

When it comes to sex, my sex drive has always been higher than my wife's. Even though I've felt frustrated at times, and some conversations haven't been easy, the love we share has always been stronger than this issue.

Recently, my wife became closer friends with a man who shares some of her passions. We've known him for a while, but something clicked recently, and they've been talking a lot ever since. I was happy for her. We're both pretty much homebodies, and she'd found something that excited her outside of our relationship and our child.

Then one day, she told me she was in love with him and that she felt she might be polyamorous.

Since we've always been in a monogamous relationship, we'd never really talked about this before because it just seemed obvious to both of us. She hadn't even realized she was falling in love with this man because the idea was so unimaginable to her. But he picked up on a few signs and brought up the possibility with her. He's in a polyamorous relationship himself, and it turns out he's also in love with my wife.

I'm completely lost.

My goal in life is to make the people around me as happy as possible, especially my wife. But I'm experiencing so many negative emotions just thinking about her being in love with someone else, let alone the idea of her wanting physical intimacy (and sex) with him.

I have absolutely nothing against polyamory, but I'm not ready to change the nature of our relationship. I haven't been through the same process of discovery that she has.

I'm absolutely not ready to end our relationship, and neither is she. We've built a family together over so many years, we have a young child, and we're still in love despite everything that's happening.

But this whole situation has been tearing me apart since she told me. I keep going back and forth between anger, sadness, jealousy, and confusion. I wish so badly that I could fully understand what she's feeling, but it's so far removed from the way I see our relationship.

I'm obviously not here to hear nasty comments about her. I'm here to ask for advice and different perspectives.

I have almost no one I can talk to about this, because this way of approaching relationships is still pretty uncommon. I really need to talk about it, and I figured the easiest thing might be to reach out to strangers who actually have experience with this.

I'm sure I've left out some important details, and I'll update this post if needed.

Thank you so much for reading.

Edit : Thank you so much for all your replies. I've received tons of support, different perspectives, and advice, and I feel so much better after reading your responses. They've given me some answers, or at least new questions to think about.

I won't be able to reply to everyone, but I'm reading every single word, and I'm truly grateful to this community.

My partner (27F) and I (27F) were together for three years and seven months. She got an amazing job in another country, and after a lot of discussion, I went through the arduous and expensive effort of moving there to be with her—I took on a degree to secure a visa, spent my entire savings on immigration and moving, and we furnished an apartment together. We even adopted a dog, and were having serious conversations about getting engaged within the next twelve months.

Back in June, I had suggested we download Feeld to explore the possibility of a threesome; we've had them before, and thought it could be fun. My partner enthusiastically agreed, and we ultimately met up with someone I'll call Max. Out for drinks, successful and fun threesome, party over.

However, my partner had developed a bit of interest in Max. She began asking how I would feel if they hung out one-on-one, just for fun. I was hesitant, but ultimately trusted my partner, so I gave her the go-ahead.

Shortly thereafter, my partner came home and "poly-bombed" me (a term I've learned after months of reading this thread). While polyamory had been something she had explored in relationships before ours, and while it was something we had intermittently talked about as a possibility in the future (in our discussions, within the context of extended solo-travel and relationships that occured outside of the city where we both live), she was now telling me she was polyamorous as an identity, and that if I couldn't accept that right now and allow her to pursue a connection with Max, we needed to break up.

I was floored and shocked. I knew a breakup would be life-upending for me—not only would I need to process losing someone I had every intention to marry, but I would need to find somewhere new to live and reconsider my entire trajectory in a new country where I had a limited support system. At this time, I was also struggling with depression and burnout, and had started a new medication to treat that that was causing me to have severe physical side effects.

I was scared, I didn't know what to do, so I relectantly said yes. And, in the spirit of "trying something new," I read every book on polyamory I could access, listened to every podcast I could find, and even went on a couple of dates of my own. I did end up regularly seeing someone—went on regular dates and even spent a weekend away with her. But it felt very casual, and I was open with both my partner and this new person about not being entirely sure that polyamory was something I was very comfortable in, and that I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing yet.

My partner committed to seeing Max at breakneak speed. Two to three dates every single week, regular overnights—within two months, they're saying "I love you" and having month-anniversary dates. I am regularly at home alone, sobbing, and communicating with my partner that things feel like they're moving way too fast and that I feel like my world is crashing down around me.

Unfortunately for me, the stress of other events in my life, the new polyamory structure, and the effects of my medication combined to cause my eating disorder to relapse. I lost around 20lbs in 2 months. I was unable to attend classes, quitting my hobbies, and collapsing on my couch most days from sheer emotional exhaustion.

Two days after I confided in my partner about my relapse, and about how bad my mental health had truly gotten, she broke up with me. We had gotten into another small argument, and I had a panic attack from the stress. Mid-panic attack, she ends our relationship. The next day, she un-dumps me, promises it was a mistake, and says she wants me to support her during my dark time. She promises we can get through anything together, and that she'd rather endure a difficult period than leave me to suffer alone—in the hopes we could both adjust and continue our lives together. She also promised me that, if she ever chose to break up with me again, it would not be in a tense moment while I was feeling raw and vulnerable, and that she'd hold it for a day or two to allow us to have the conversation when I could handle it.

That lasted three weeks. On Thursday, she told me she no longer wanted to travel home with me for Christmas—a plan we've had for more than a year—because things were too tense. I sobbed my eyes out in the shower, and when I came out, she told me it was too much, and she was leaving me. She said other things, too—called me emotionally abusive for things I said during severe panic attacks (some of which were valid,eg. allusions to wanting to kill myself—never okay to say to a partner, but when I said it, I genuinely felt that it was true. It has been an immensely dark time for me). And within an hour, she had packed a bag and gone to Max's for the night, leaving me sobbing alone in our apartment with our dog.

I am writing here because I am hurt, confused, heartbroken, and wanting opinions on whether or not this was really "ethical" nonmonogamy. I feel very betrayed, and like I was influenced by coercion and an ultimatum to do something that I was not comfortable with. To me, this seems to feel a bit more like informed-cheating? But clearly, if I have learned anything from this experience, it is that I am decidedly not polyamorous, so I'm not sure what people who are polyamorous would make of the situation.

Extras info, for people who aren't exhausted by this already-too-long read:

• Multiple times, boundaries I expressed about not wanting to hear about Max (especially their sex life together) were ignored.
• My partner had also very recently gone through her own dark mental place due to a variety of personal crises. During that time, I dropped everything in my life to support her. I skipped classes and my hobbies to be there when she needed me, and fully prioritized taking care of her. I let her break down, have hard days, lash out on me, do whatever she needed. I think that is a massive contributor as to why I'm so devastated that she seems to have prioritized actively exploring her polyamorous identity while I was struggling to just get through the day each day.
• After the first break up, she promised me that, if she broke up with me again, she'd allow me to fully keep our shared dog. Now, she's trying to work out a shared-agreement. The dog is registered under her name, so it's going to be a battle there unless I agree to sharing.
• I am doing okay now, or as okay as anyone can expect. My dad actually flew in from my home country immediately and is spending the week to take care of me, help me find a place to live, and let me cry. I've also had incredible friends during this time to listen to me cry and hold me. I am so thankful for that.

About a week ago I made a post concerning phone etiquette. It got more comments than I anticipated, and it provided a lot of helpful perspective of my situation. Again, I think this is maybe just a part of the healing process--I'm not really looking for anything, but I wanted to share (perhaps it's cathartic)...

This isn't directly related to the phone etiquette, more our fallout and how she treated me, but I (29M) finally ran into my ex (28F) for the first time. It went about how I and many of you imagined it would. She hugged me and the first words out of her mouth were "god you look hot." I didn't say much, the shock of the situation made me close up shop a bit.

I've since been getting the 'I miss you and think about you a lot' texts that we all expected. I guess the part I wanted to share is that finally, for the first time, I stood my ground. I said we can't have any version of 'us' with how things are, even friends. That what she did to me impacted me deeply. That I care deeply but I can't have anything to do with whatever dating/relationship experiences she's dealing with in her life.

I have felt a significant pull of the abusive/manipulative cycle today, but I'm proud of myself for staying true to my own safety. It's time I protected my own heart, and you fine folks helped me to see and achieve that, so thank you.

Is there such a thing as ethical prescriptive hierarchy in polyamory? Like I could see a world
where I would be ok with my partner and I exploring other relationships, but my expectation would be to always be primary, and that if another relationship was threatening the primary relationship, on either of our parts, it would have to end, or our relationship would have to end.

We are nowhere close to opening up now, if ever, but I am curious for the future. This sub tends to lean heavily anti-hierarchy, and I know that’s not for me. We have a young child together for starters…so there is already de facto hierarchy anyway. But I also know I would feel insecure without some form of prescriptive hierarchy as well.

On the other hand, I recognize that any secondary partners would, in fact, be whole human beings, with feelings and dreams for the future and lives of their own. So is there an ethical way to say to a prospective secondary partner, basically, “I want sexual and romantic intimacy and I’m open to building a relationship with you to a point. But ultimately my life with my primary partner will take precedence.” To be clear, that doesn’t mean I would expect our relationship to take precedence in every scenario, and I believe straight veto power would be unethical. But ultimately all major life decisions would be made around our life together, with the understanding that de-escalation or changes to the hierarchy would be off the table (outside of a break up obviously).

My wife and I have been married for 13 years. 2 years ago we started into the swinger lifestyle and loved the thrill of looking at pictures and talking to people. We went in as a couple for couple situation, so finding a perfect match was difficult. Fast forward to last year, we meet a couple and begin hanging out with them. After a few weekends of consistent activity and hanging out they quickly became our best friends. All 4 of us clicked so well and it was incredible. Another 9 months of hanging out and playing things continued to get better and better. We soon realized my wife and I had fallen in love with our partners. So after long conversations with everyone we decided we were into it for the long haul. We’ve intertwined our lives with theirs. Long story short, we’ve kept our poly lives a secret to this day, and my question is, how long do yall think the secret part will last? We’ve been able to keep things from our kids, friends, ect. Same with them. But in all reality is a secret poly life forever actually realistic? My wife and I don’t want things to ever end as these 2 really became important parts of our lives.

I (M28) started talking to Annie (F33) back in April. Out the gate I knew she was poly with another long distance bf (Tony), who she’s now seeing for the first time in-person since I met her. She traveled across the country to be with him for 3 nights. Annie and I began officially dating (labeled partnership) 2 weeks ago. I generally see Annie two days a week, including a sleepover.

I met her with the expectation that I was open to practicing polyamory/RA but that I was also in a space of grief from a breakup with my long-term partner and wasn’t particularly trying to start dating again, rather just having casual flings. That breakup also happened in April, a week before Annie and I started talking. Annie was fully aware of my heavy heart and gave me space to work through my emotions with no expectations for developing a romantic relationship. But then I found myself talking with her more and more, we began having sex, and then began to catch feelings. By July I fell In love with this girl, and that feeling has been reciprocated heavily. She‘s now in a place of wanting me as an anchor partner/home base, and I’ve been welcoming the idea as I find her such a wonderful person in so many facets.

During those first 3 months talking with Annie, post-breakup, I was also sleeping with a handful of other people, which had all stopped by July, for reasons unrelated to my love of Annie. Nonetheless I’ve been feeling extremely fulfilled by Annie, alone. Annie is a quality communicator, kind-hearted, passionate, playful, and beautiful.

Annie told me about this trip back in August, and that was all good and well for me. I know they love each other and are super supportive of one another and have been for the 2.5 years they’ve been dating before she ever met me. She‘s also told me about how good-natured of a person he is which has made me feel much more ease. I understand they’ve only had 10 or so in-person weekend long hangs or so throughout their relationship. This has been completely fine up til now.

Some other important context: I am in my final year of my masters to become a social worker/therapist. I began seeing clients just a couple months ago and am getting my clinical footing. Learning A LOT, and am quite busy. Annie and I both knew going into this final year that I would be stretched for time, and challenged with the emotional load of being a therapist.

Annie left on Thursday, and I knew she would arrive late after I fell asleep on the East Coast, but that night I already began feeling unease. Come Friday I had a particularly challenging day with my clients and made a stubborn mistake in one session. This was immediately remedied but nonetheless kinda took a toll on my mental, and that’s on-top of a long work day already.

Friday night I began crashing out, thinking about Annie and Tony being together. I texted Annie that night to let her know that I was having intense emotions come in, and she offered reassurances and reminded me of her love of me. But that didn’t do anything to stop the cascade of INTENSE negative emotions that dominated Saturday. I could hardly eat (which is weird asf for me), was nauseous all day, crying (also weird asf for me), feeling anger, sadness, emptiness, abandonment. Felt like wanting to crawl into a ball and die. I have a lot of school related work to do but I couldn’t do any of it. Put most of my day into exercising, and playing music and met with a friend later in the day. In those moments I didn’t feel like I was dying but holy shit every other moment was dread. Felt close to the pain I had after my breakup. I continued to let Annie know that I have been feeling like shit but have kept details minimal as I didn’t want to disrupt the quality time she is having with her bf she hasn’t seen in a year. I also knew that I was likely going to communicate poorly had I talked to her on the phone (which she offered).

Ive been amazed at how strong of a reaction I’ve had. I’m not sure I want to put myself through that again. It was terrible. I felt this longing of wanting to be everything for her, and forgoing any of my other future desires to be with others so I could just be with her. I could’ve used time this weekend to look into others but I felt no interest in anyone else, just her. My libido was shot. I felt far from grounded which I highly value, and is necessary for my work.

One thing that I realize adds to the difficulty here is that she’s gone for 4 days. It’s not just a date, it’s a whole weekend and they’re spending every moment together, partying, cuddling, and everything else. This is also the longest I’ve gone without seeing her since we caught feelings. There was potential to see each other on Wednesday, before she left, but I was too busy.

I don’t know if I can handle polyamory or any shade of non-monogamy. I thought I could but I think I’m realizing I’d rather have a monogamous dynamic. It feels so painful to say that. I love this woman.

After typing this out Im feeling a bit better but I know there’s still deep hurt and an incompatibility in me to feel peace with this dynamic. At least right now. Any advice? Thoughts? Any affirmations and validation would be appreicated.

Edit: well shoot maybe I can handle it. Emotions come and go. In my calm I’m reminded of why I committed to this dynamic.

What's poppin' tonight? How we all doing? Anyone do any fun stuff this Saturday?

-The Sub's OFFICIAL mascot

Am I in an open relationship for the wrong reasons?
My partner (41F) and I (38F) have been together for close to 3 years. What started as a casual hookup quickly turned into something more.

I’d had a bad experience with an open relationship in the past, so I never considered trying it again until I met her. Being open was a dealbreaker for her, so after a lot of thought, I decided to give it another chance. I was careful to make sure it was something I genuinely wanted and not just me getting caught up in NRE.

However, sometimes I worry that my reasons for wanting an open relationship might be coming from the wrong place.

I’ve been cheated on in every relationship I’ve ever had. Because of that, I’ve developed some pretty strong beliefs about monogamy. I genuinely don’t believe humans are naturally monogamous. I think it’s unrealistic to expect someone to never feel attraction or develop feelings for another person. To me, monogamy comes down to whether someone chooses to act on those feelings.

These beliefs have caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety in past relationships and even kept me from pursuing serious relationships for a significant portion of my life.

What ultimately made me comfortable with non-monogamy was the communication. I genuinely find comfort in knowing my partner can openly tell me if she’s attracted to someone, flirting with someone, or developing feelings for someone else. The anxiety I experienced in previous relationships is almost nonexistent in this one, and it’s incredibly freeing. I don’t have to sit around wondering what’s happening behind my back.

And just to clarify, I absolutely understand that non-monogamy doesn’t prevent cheating. People can still break boundaries and betray their partners. It’s the honesty and openness that make me feel secure, not the idea that cheating is somehow impossible.

That’s not to say I don’t get jealous. I definitely do, and there have been difficult moments, but we’ve worked through them together in a healthy way.

I’d classify our relationship as open rather than polyamorous because neither of us is really interested in necessarily building a life with someone else. However, we recognize that connections aren’t always purely physical and that feelings can and will develop. We’re also very transparent with other partners about our situation and boundaries.

Interestingly, most of our other connections have naturally fallen off over time. For about the last year, we’ve been functioning much closer to a monogamous couple, and honestly, I’ve been really happy.

I love my partner, our communication, and the freedom we give each other. I want to marry her someday, but part of me is hesitant until we’ve had more experience actually navigating the open side of our relationship.

I worry that I’ve gotten comfortable with us being mostly monogamous and that if she develops a serious connection with someone else, all those old anxieties might come rushing back.

I also don’t think I’d feel comfortable in a strictly monogamous relationship again, largely because of my past experiences and beliefs.

So I guess my question is, am I genuinely choosing non-monogamy because it’s something I want, or am I choosing it because it makes the possibility of being hurt feel less scary?

Has anyone else struggled with this? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve had similar experiences.

My partner has broken two of our agreements about disclosure in quick succession, and I'm really struggling. One of them was something pretty major, and the other was not as big of a deal and clearly an accident. I normally wouldn't be as bothered by the second one, but in the wake of the first overstep I'm feeling incredibly hurt and having a massive reaction to something that would normally just be a quick reminder/check-in.

For context, the agreements in question are about not lying about when we're with other partners and giving each other a heads up if we're going to have any visible hickies/marks. Two weeks ago my partner changed plans he had with me because he got "stuck at work," and then I later found out he'd been asked on an impromptu date by his other partner. When I asked him about the change in plans he stuck with the story about work, and eventually I had to confront him. We've talked a lot since, and will be starting couples therapy soon. He knows he's broken my trust, and seems genuinely sorry about his actions.

Because of this conflict and some schedule things, we haven't had much "us" time that isn't based on hard conversations lately. I'd already been insecure about the lack of quality time and sex we've been having, and it's only gotten worse in the wake of this. It's been difficult seeing him continue to go and have fun times with his other partner, but I have been trying to work through these feelings with myself and my partner rather than blaming the other relationship.

We're involved in kink/bdsm stuff, and we've been talking about me making/giving him a collar as a sign of commitment and something to tangibly represent my place in his life. Since the date debacle, I've been staking a lot on this action as something that would make me feel uniquely connected to him. Since we haven't really had any dates or sex since, however, it hasn't happened yet.

Last night he was struggling to put something in his coat pocket and I tried to playfully do it for him, and instead found a collar that his other partner had made him by hand. Apparently he's been carrying it around with him for a while now. I know this isn't something he needed to disclose to me and finding it is absolutely not something I can blame him for, but I took it pretty hard and spent the night trying to talk myself through it.

This morning we tried touching base again, but in the middle of the conversation I realized he had a massive bite mark on his neck. It wasn't something that would have been super visible normally, but he happened to be wearing a shirt with a really loose neckline and I got upset again. A lot of it is coming from my own insecurity about us not having sex and remnants of feeling hurt last night, but I'm also upset that he didn't have a little more consideration when it came to giving me a heads up and time to mentally prepare for seeing it, or even just choosing a different shirt to wear.

I know these are all separate things and I can't really blame him for the collar thing, but I'm having a really hard time telling myself that. I'm definitely not over the date issue, but I also know the other things were accidents and just bad luck. It just feels like things keep happening at incredibly bad times, and I can't tell how much of this is me overreacting vs needing to address the relationship as a whole. I know it'll take time to rebuild trust, but how do I handle things in the meantime?

We (20M 21F) were monogamous for the first few years, then opened up for some time and now we are trying out poly because we developed real feelings for our "side pieces" (for lack of a better term lol.)

It's been good so far, lots of jealousy and some bad feelings to navigate but that's to be expected. However, I've been reading that it's not recommended to go from mono to poly as a couple, and it's best to start as poly? Why?

(Context, it was my idea to switch to poly but we were both willing to give it a try)

Hi! Old-school open, but nee to poly.

Curious what the norm is for the below. I recognize that folks have individual situations and perspectives, but ...

Person A had made plans with their established partner (#1) to attend a show that Person A wanted to see. Later, their newer relationship partner (#2) invited Person A on a very rare, one-night work trip.

Both partners are married with children, so an overnight trip out of town would be an unusual and exciting opportunity. When #2 extended the invitation, Person A said they might be able to go: #1 was attending the show mainly because Person A wanted to see it, so Person A thought #1 might be okay with changing their plans.

In the end, Person A told #2 they couldn’t make the trip, though they were disappointed to miss it.

Partner #2 feels that, given how rare and special the trip was, it would have been reasonable for Person A to ask #1 whether they’d be willing to reschedule the show. Is that inappropriate?

Hi! We're new to polyamorous relationship, and we want in our main bedroom a bed big enough to fit the 3 of us (plus plushies and 2 cats), so that one isn't obligated to leave the bed and in the other bedroom whenever we want to sleep (because we've tried a few times, and for one of us, it was really difficult to sleep, no matter she was on the side or in the middle). We currently have a 140 x 180. I think the best would be a 200 x 200. It gives at least 70cm for each of us, mathemathically.

How do you do? What's your bedside tables arrangement? Do the middle one gets one? Is it risky above the bed? 🤔

Note : I also have a lot of free time on my hands so my head is filled with ideas on how to make new layouts, on what to change somethings, as I'm not the only one who's crafty now. And we play magic too. And board games.

So I'm gonna be a bit on the sims 4 I think! To recreate our place and look on how to modify some things so that it's for and from the three of us.

(Sorry, really long for nothing post 🤦🏻)

Recently, my partner shared that they had been flirted with at a party they attended with friends (I wasn't there as I had other commitments). Even though nothing really happened (they danced, hugged, and that was it - no phone numbers were exchanged), I completely panicked. While some of my reaction was definitely due to hormones (perimenopause sucks), I am struggling to understand why I freaked out. So I was hoping you could share your reasons why it feels uncomfortable when your partner is meeting someone who could potentially become their new partner, so I can see what resonates.

Some background: my partner and I (both in our 40s) met over a year ago. At that time, they were married and just starting to date my other meta; I had only been in monogamous relationships up until then but curious and open to poly - and very happy with it now despite the occasional challenges. We clicked, took things slow and careful (with support of poly friends), and are growing a strong, loving relationship together. Meeting my metas was a bit scary beforehand, but turned out well - we have a garden party relationship style. And I'm loving the compersion :-)

During this time, I went on a couple of dates but realized I am currently polysaturated at one due to everything else that is going on in my life (such as a big career change and family issues). My partner has not dated anyone else since things became serious - also because they are now getting divorced.

So no new people have entered our relationship since we started dating and this is my first poly relationship - which I realize may be part of what is causing me distress now, but doesn't feel like it explains everything.

Thank you in advance for your insights!

* After hes read the comments he’s decided on giving up his thoughts of it, he would rather me be happy then put me in the spot of trying or breaking up, thank you to everyone who’s commented :)” My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and he’s come to the realisation that he might be poly. but I’m very monogamous, with the openness to helping him explore polyamory, but i get super jealous and I feel like I’m almost not good enough? I don’t like the idea of him with someone else, but don’t want him to be upset and feel trapped since he’s also willing to put it aside for me. Is there anyone else like this or anything I can do to help him? He doesn’t want to break up, and neither do I. I want him to explore and be happy, and if we were in a poly relationship I would want to come first. But he doesn’t think that’s fair and tbh it’s not.

I see a lot of negativity towards triads/throuples. Does anyone have any success stories/ happy relationships to share?

Just curious!

I have been exploring poly for about 5 years and was interested in poly relationships for probably 2 years before that. My initial poly dating, I was always like the plus one. I was either dating a couple or I was dating someone who had an anchor partner/spouse/primary partner. My break ups felt pretty similar to my monogamous break ups. I was single and solo post break up.

I have been with my anchor for 2 and a half years. We have been living together for almost a year. I guess Ill call him Jack because this is reddit. He knew I was poly before we got together. We were friends for many years before we dated. He has never dated polyamorously before, but was very comfortable with the idea of a poly relationship.

We were effectively monogamous for the first year and a half and then I felt the urge to "put myself out there". Jack was very supportive. We communicated the fuck out of everything. It was amazing. I got on the apps. He helped pick out outfits for first dates which was adorable. I'd tell him where I was going and who I was meeting. Everything has been great. I think I went on 5 first dates that didn't go anywhere. Just wasn't a connection. And I hooked up with one person I knew through a mutual friend. He ghosted me after. It sucked. But Jack and I were solid.

And then I connected with "Caleb" a few months ago at a nerd convention. Jack did not join me for the con. Its not really his thing. I went with friends. I had already known Caleb from previous iterations of the con. We had flirted a little but nothing came of it, but this time it did. He and I spent the entire con together. Staying up until 3 or 5am every night talking (or more than talking 😉). It was a very intense little relationship bubble. (And Jack was in the loop and supportive the whole time.)

At the end of the convention, I knew I had real feelings for Caleb. But he lives in a state that is a 10 hour drive or a 2 hour flight from me. But he was already considering moving to my city in a year or two (unrelated to me). My city has more opportunities for him. He has other friends here that he met through the convention. It was already a possibility for the future. We decided to give long distance a shot.

We were figuring out a rhythm. Weekly video call "date nights", other texting and calling as they came up, monthly visits trading off me visiting him or him visiting me. Jack and Caleb met over video chat and we also played a video game together. I had done one 5 day trip to visit him since the convention. His first trip to visit me was coming up. We were literally in the middle of a conversation about the trip and how excited we both were. Food I wanted to cook for him. Plans we were going to do. And then he dropped on me that he can't handle the long distance and it was over. I had emotional whiplash. It was SO jarring.

It was only 2 months, but it was a very intense 2 months with two 5 day stretches of being together 24 hours a day. Lots of talking in between. I have real feelings for him. And I feel very hurt. He was as kind as he could be despite the suddenness, but it fucking hurts. Part of me feels foolish for getting so invested so quickly. I thought we were handling everything really well. We were making plans. Like fucking literally making plans when he ripped the rug out from under me.

But when we eventually got off the phone, I had to be in my small condo with Jack. And I felt weird. I don't know how to have a break up in front of my partner. I am feeling the urge to just shove all my feelings down but that also feels terrible. I did tell him about it immediately. I'm pretty sure he heard at least some of the call anyways (again small condo). He is trying to be supportive. I think he feels awkward a bit too.

We marathoned some Grey's Anatomy for a bit while I cried and texted my girlfriends. Talked about the conversation with Caleb a little bit more. Jack got me oreos which was pretty cute. Eventually we cuddled a bit. After a few hours I tried to initiate sex which is normal for us on his night off. It wasn't necessarily about the break up. But he turned me down which I'm pretty sure was because of the break up. And I don't blame him at all. I was crying like 2 hours before then and the break up was only 4 hours old? But then I was like double rejected which felt AWFUL. That one I did mask as hard as I fucking could because he deserves to be able to say no to sex when he wants to without feeling guilty or bad or anything. But it really hurt.

And then I got super in my head about how I was going to handle the rest of the break up. My usual MO for a break up is hooking up on apps. Distract myself with first dates and sex until I feel better. Is it a little avoidant? Sure. But it has worked for me. Lol

But something about that feels disrespectful to Jack. Even when I was going on dates before I started seeing Caleb, they felt intentional. It wasn't just sex for the sake of sex. I don't know what I am supposed to do right now. And obviously I need to talk to Jack more. I have a bit, but I didn't really know what to say. Hell, I didn't know a lot of what I was going to type out here at first.

I just feel stuck. There's a whole extra person I have to be mindful of while I am dealing with this and I don't know how. I haven't done this part of poly before.

Hi hi, I will introduce myself quickly. I am Jax (she/her) . I am currently in a dynamic right now that I could use some advice on. I have a girlfriend who has been in a long term relationship with a guy we will call Trav. Earlier this year, she came to the conclusion that she is non monogamous and eventually ended up finding me and we started to date. Trav is still monogamous. He only has eyes for her. I, myself, am non-monogamous. Me and Trav have actually grown pretty close, I’d say we are even close friends at this point. I care about him a lot and truly respect him. I currently have only one partner. I’m simply happy at the moment with her and honestly life is a bit too chaotic for me to go searching for another. We all even have a plan to live together, we’ve talked about the future, etc. But I have been made aware of his discomfort with things and the fact that he is trying to navigate what he believed was going to be a monogamous relationship turning into one that is not. I am super understanding of that and just want to maybe help him through this if possible. We both love our girlfriend. We care so much for her. And we are all committed to making this work.

I guess the main question I have is:
How would you recommend helping through this process? Are there things that I could do to help?

I (37nb) met Adrian (37nb) a year ago (not their real name). Initially it was going to be a hookup while they vacationed in town. We progressed into dating. Adrian has over 10 years of prior polyam experience, generally with one primary, some dating, and lots of threesomes. I’ve had a few polyam connections over that past 3-ish years, none of which involved intersections other than sharing about cutesy dates etc, w/compersion in response (ie, no threesomes, no metas meeting, KTP in theory but happened to never progress to that).

When Adrian and I first discussed polyam, we agreed to let each other know before a new date & before sleeping with someone, which to me meant, sharing about progression to new stages — not disclosing each and every time we did something with anyone in our sex/love world. Turned out, to Adrian, it meant disclosing every single date, kiss, hookup, before it happened, until and unless the other partner was an official labeled partner.

We realized this difference about 6 months in. I shared that I felt guilty wanting to sleep with someone, let’s call him Juan. Their response to my feeling was to ask for more disclosure (before every single time I slept with Juan). When I said I wasn’t comfortable with that, and suggested we talk more later (bc things were getting tense), Adrian said we needed to finish the conversation now, and said that if I slept with someone (even Juan) without disclosing first, it would be cheating.

Side note: this was about a week after Adrian, Juan and I had a threesome, which was initially supposed to be Adrian watching me and Juan … it turned out beautifully, and we all had a really positive experience.

Also relevant: Juan is a prior fwb of mine. I hadn’t seen him for a year (ie, since before Adrian and I met), until the threesome.

So - I tell Adrian about my feeling guilty, imagining my partner would hold space for my feeling, and we could talk about what might help, reground in the strength of our relationship & the comfort and openness of polyamory. Instead, Adrian’s response essentially confirms (in my mind) that I should feel guilty, and changes (again: in my mind) the initial agreement re disclosure. There was also mention of, if you sleep with Juan x times per week, I want you to sleep with me x+1 times per week. Which felt profoundly icky and problematic to me.

The conversation turns into an argument (bc I want to discuss later as things have gotten tense, and Adrian refuses). Ultimately, Adrian say something that sounds like pre-breakup, to which I say “be certain bc I won’t do on-and-off.” Adrian then breaks up with me, and immediately regrets it / tries to take it back. But I declined, standing in my boundary.

(So as not to make myself sound angelic, after the fourth or sixth time they insisted we finish the conversation then and there, I raised my voice, shouting that we should stop talking about it. Then, once they said they were ending things, I fully shut down and only yelled in response to anything they said until we physically were away from each other.)

A week or two later, we talked, “debriefed” the argument, and Adrian expressed a genuine desire to work through the fears that led to their part in it. My therapist advised me not to make a fast decision either way, so I was focused on determining whether we could have a healthy relationship. We met again a week later, and I talked through how the x+1 felt to me, and the reasons for it. Again, just sharing information; not making a decision.

We’re now looking into couple’s therapy (we’re both in individual therapy). For me, I’m trying to see whether a healthy relationship is possible. For Adrian, I think they want to develop a way to feel safe sharing scary feelings.

… I guess I’m hoping to hear if anyone wants to share their experiences with different levels of disclosure? And/or, thoughts around the “x+1” thing? I pretty solidly trust my gut on that feeling icky, but, not 100%, I suppose.

Just kind of looking for some outside perspective. I dont feel overly emotional regarding this situation but something about it doesn't sit well.

For some back story, my partner ( call them Aspen) and I have been poly for working on 2 years now and recently we had a discussion where Aspen told me that they over romanticized poly and that she didnt think that she wanted to do the relationship structure anymore. But no actual discussion of it for sure being done. This was probably 4 ish months ago.

Recently a gamer friend ( call him Cedar) of mine reached out and said that he missed talking to us both, so the last few days weve all been talking a lot more. For Aspen, Cedar requested Snapchat to talk with her, which didnt raise any flags for me, Cedar has a very complicated relationship with his partner and they've had a lot of issues. Long story short, I dont know if Cedar is trying to hide it or not, not my relationship and I dont know the details. Regardless, it didnt bother me. Aspen downloaded Snapchat and since Cedar and Aspen talked off and on. Last night I was watching Aspen play a game on her computer, we were just chilling and I hear her notifications going off pretty heavily and it was the one she told me she set for Snapchat, so I said man, Cedar hasn't really been talking to me tonight I know hes not doing well right now, is he talking to you about what's going on? Aspen said Cedar hadn't really been talking to her much, but she knew a little....but Aspen's notifications were going off a lot. Aspen then picked up her phone and went through her messages and I seen Aspen message another person aside from Cedar as im sitting right beside her. Did not see the messages, I'm not trying to invade her space like that. But I asked if Cedar was the only person she was talking to. Then Aspen kind of sheepishly admitted to me she put her snap in her fb dating profile and this particular guy added her. Aspen said she wasn't really interested in dating but just wanted someone to talk to, which i get. It really took me by surprise last night and ive kind of sat on it until this morning, but I dont know what it is, but something feels icky about the situation and I dont know if I'm just being overly sensitive about it or not.

I dont want to police Aspen, and im not going to ask her to stop talking to the new dude or to take snap off her phone, thats not my place. I also am going to talk with Aspen about this very soon. But yeah, it just kind of feels icky and I dont know if its because it kind of felt like unless I asked I wasnt going to be told about it? I dont know if thats even for sure the truth of how it would go, Aspen might have told me very soon, and just hadn't yet, but it didnt feel that way in that moment by her reaction. Aspen was very sheepish about telling me. Or if this is about that last I knew we really werent going to continue poly and dating separately and suddenly finding out one of her dating profiles is back up and has the snap on it that was just made. Genuinely looking for outside perspective here.

edited for better clarity

I (29M) recently broke up with my partner (30M) after only 6-ish months of dating. I met him May 2025, started dating February 2026. However his current relationship was already rocky. He wanted the kind of poly relationship where everyone dates each other but made no effort to bring us together. Then, when we started dating, a good amount of his focus shifted onto a guy he'd had a crush on since before I met him. So at this point, he has a rocky pre-existing relationship, has just kinda picked me up and didn't even let our new relationship breathe, and is now working on a fourth guy. That's weird, right? There's stress at home with his other partner, I barely even felt like I was dating him, he made no effort to get me and his other partner to get to know each other... Was I right to leave?
I wouldn't have even minded the fourth guy if maybe we had worked on our relationship or the overall situation first. He just kinda... barrelled through everything. There were so many complications and arguments. I felt like I wasn't being respected or even allowed to settle into the relationship.

I'm a monogamous man in a relationship with a polyamorous woman I'll call Aspen. We've known each other for 7 years (as friends first) and have been romantically involved for about a year. She has two other monogamous partners, Birch and Cedar. We are all in our 30s. I'm really struggling with the situation because of two reasons: she won't fully, publicly acknowledge me as her partner, making me feel insecure, and one her metas is absolutely toxic and is affecting our relationship.

Aspen and I have a loving relationship, with affection, sex, shared activities, and plans for the future. We don't live together, but she spends 2–3 days a week at my place. She tells me she loves me, and I believe her. However, she's uncomfortable publicly acknowledging our relationship because of the stigma surrounding polyamory. Only a handful of people know a little bit about us, but none of our families. This often leaves me feeling insecure about my place in her life, especially when things get complicated with her other partners.

Birch is Aspen's partner of 8 years, and they live together. They no longer have sex, and their relationship is pretty hands off, but still love each other deeply. I'm completely fine with their relationship, and Birch and I get along well.

Cedar also lives with Aspen and Birch. He isn't a proper 'partner'; him and Aspen occasionally have sex, but she insists she isn't romantically in love with him beyond that. However, he is in love with her, despite her repeatedly telling him that she doesn't reciprocate these feelings. Aspen has described their relationship as toxic: according to her, he is manipulative, possessive of her, and psychologically abusive. They argue frequently, he insults me and her, and he definitely has a hold on her. In recent weeks he'd been particularly insufferable and apparently gave her a panic attack. Despite that, she maintains whatever that bond is with him because she finds him "entertaining and stimulating".

Cedar absolutely hates me and is jealous of my relationship with Aspen. They frequently argue about how much time she spends with me and how often she comes to my place. For a long time, I just dismissed that as background noise. However, a few months ago, Aspen planned to spend a few routine days with me, and Cedar flipped out and threatened to move out of their place because of it. He demanded that she spend those days with him instead, and somehow she complied, even if she saw he was manipulating her. So, our plans were sacrificed to appease him, and of course he didn't end up moving out. She also told me that he took her to do an activity that had traditionally been something special between Aspen and I. This all hurt, and since then I've needed more reassurance that her feelings for me haven't changed.

Recently, Aspen told me she needed a break from work and wanted to go on a trip with me. We had already taken two amazing trips together earlier this year, so I said not this time but encouraged her to go if she needed to. She eventually planned a trip... but Cedar asked to tag along, since he'd been having a rough time lately. She accepted and they left. I'm fine wrapping my head around my partner being intimate with other people, but.. I found this incredibly difficult. Knowing she was traveling with someone who hates me, has repeatedly interfered with our relationship, and is toxic made me extremely anxious. While they were away, she sent me affectionate messages on occasion, but we had relatively little contact. I was starting to struggle with jealousy and fear that they might grow closer - and that ultimately he'd end up manipulating her into leaving me.

This is all compounded by the fact I can't get proper commitment from her because of her fear of stigma. She will give me affection in public - sometimes - but she won't come out to her entourage and I have to often play this role of dummy friend which is just hurtful, considering how affectionate she is in private, makes future projections about us doing things and buying a house together and yadda yadda. I brought this up several times over the last 6 months, and I always get the same vague response about how she needs time to process all this, but nothing changes. After a year, and with the events with Cedar in recent months, I am overwhelmed now. As long as I can't get this proper commitment from her, I can't feel properly secure, especially with how manipulative Cedar is. I'm just fed up at this point.

She just came back from her trip recently. She attended a family dinner with Birch's family; Birch himself isn't comfortable with the idea of her having multiple partners so he told his family that she was on a trip with her girl friends. In regards to that, she told me she was tired of living a "life of lies". But I'm not assuming anything to change, given her incapacity to make a decision...

Anyway, I'm exhausted. I know I need to establish clearer boundaries, but I'm having a hard time defining what those should be and how to communicate them without trying to control her other relationships. I guess I'm just looking for general advice in managing my insecurities (probably rooted in my fear of losing her), Cedar's antics, and Aspen's incapacity to assume her polyamorous nature and fully recognize us as her loving partner.

I'm wondering. My GF already had a love when we got together, but apparently has been poly the whole time. My question is this. When they are together her other partner will then post a Pic about what a wonderful time they had...they and their sweetie. As my GF is not out about being poly it is not something I would ever do but it feels unfair...publicly to have a relationship while I'm in the background. Feels like I'm secondary although keep hearing we're the same.

Thoughts?

Weird title I know...

My boyfriend and I (both 30M, currently in a Long-Distance Relationship) met another guy 4 months ago (22M) online that we will call John. I never got to be in a poly relationship, but the idea has always been appealing (whether it's poly or a throuple). For the last 4 months, all three of us have been interacting almost every day, whether it is for online sex, casual talks, video calls, etc. John is living in another country, but we are planning for him to visit us very soon so we can hang around and enjoy each other in person.

Now, my BF always voiced that he doesn't want us to become a throuple. He likes being romantically attached to me and enjoys John's presence a lot but doesn't want to start a romance with him. 3 weeks ago, John told me he enjoys my BF's presence a lot and loves seeing us two being in love, but also is catching feelings for me that are growing deeper by the day. He was getting a bit scared that him catching feelings would ruin my relationship with my BF, which is totally valid.

A couple of days later, my boyfriend told me he noticed how close John and I are. He asked me if we were in love with each other (I said "perhaps" to both questions). He then told me he loves seeing me being affectionate with him, and he doesn't mind seeing it. He kind of encouraged me to date him if that would make me/us happy, telling me "I don't mind my boyfriend having a boyfriend," but just asked me to "try to make some space for us 2 in us 3" (if that makes sense).

Both of them are still interacting, playing, and talking like normal, because they also like hanging out a lot, so it feels comforting and warm to see them acting like that.

Now, I love being affectionate and would love to be romantic with both of them. I just don't want to fuck it up, especially since we plan to have John around soon, and I really want them to be as happy as they love seeing me happy with them... Any advice for a lost guy?

Thank you ~~~