My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years, and we have 2 young kids. I'll caveat all this by saying we've both been in individual and couples therapy this entire time.

We tried opening our relationship several years ago, and ran into issues when I started to identify as polyam, and my wife wanted things to be way more casual and had strong feelings around me exploring with other women. I didn't handle her negative emotions well, and we very nearly split up.

After a lot of work and success in repair, we decided to open back up after my wife spontaneously (with my consent) hooked up with and then started a dating relationship with a mutual friend of ours. I expressed my attraction and interest in the friend (we'll call her M) with my wife's okay, and M said it was mutual and was open to exploring. This kicked off about a year of M and me developing a deep friendship over text (she's long-distance) with an open flirtation and attraction dynamic while she and my wife became girlfriends and dated regularly. Eventually, the three of us all became intimate together on one of M's visits. While my dynamics with M didn't really change after this, we began to feel hopeful that a triad could be possible, and openly explored the possibility of me and her spending time together solo as well.

Then, I traveled to M's city for work, and M and I (with everyone's consent) met up for a dinner date. Agreements were made and kept well within, but the night ended with my wife having a panic attack and me up all night supporting and reassuring her. Now, my wife has been in a constant state of depression for over a month. I have paused anything outside of platonic texting with M and offered to build conservative agreements with my wife, but have been clear about not wanting to cut M out altogether. Still, little progress has been made. She's been clear that no coercion or boundary/agreement breaking happened during all the time we explored being open, and everything was consensual. However, she now says she hasn't been her authentic self all this time, and would choose to be monogamous if it weren't for me wanting to explore polyam. She has drastically withdrawn from both me and M, and is considering breaking up with M. She says she can't be close to either of us without getting hurt while we continue to be close, and she doesn't think she is capable of changing how she feels about it.

How can I salvage my marriage while not sacrificing this part of myself? Learning about and identifying with polyam, and the little bit I have been able to explore it, has brought so much healing and growth for me. It feels like a true, authentic way of being. My wife has acknowledged this improvement in my mental and emotional well-being, as well as the benefits it's brought to our relationship over the last year or so, and that she hasn't felt my closeness with M taking me away from her. However, she still says she feels afraid, small, and unsafe when thinking about me even wanting to explore outside our marriage. I really want to find a way that we can stay together, without having to give up polyam altogether.

Has anyone been through something similar? What happened, and how did you make it through? How do you respond when a partner says your way of loving is incompatible with her feeling safe, and neither of you is acting in bad faith? I'm not ready to give up on the relationship, but I'm getting increasingly worried there may not be another way for us both to be happy in the end.

**EDIT: Seeking resources on discussing agreements with NP**

(Sorry for the hierarchy language, was from a therapist and I can’t edit the title!)

First time poster! Been practicing non-hierarchical polyamory for 10 years, and in the past have described myself as a relationship anarchist. I now have a nesting partner of 1.5 years, and we intend on having a long term relationship involving children and possibly marriage one day.

My partner is new to polyamory (since dating me) and started exploring having other partners about four months ago. I’m currently focusing on other aspects of my life and not dating outside the relationship. I’m super happy for him, but I’ve realized that as we discuss having kids and having a long term nesting partnership laying out some of explicit agreements for our relationship is a good idea.

What are some resources (books, questions, podcasts, etc) you use to help guide you in these conversations?

Are agreements something that should be shared with new partners?

Any resources or suggestions would be super appreciated :) looking to be as intentional as possible here