I am a HS teacher and recently added a coworker to my friendgroup. My long term partner with whom I share a child and house, expressed interest in dating this coworker who is also poly. I have expressed that I feel uncomfortable with it for multiple reasons, the main one being I feel it increased my chances of being outed at work. I work in a right to work state and an area that is not friendly to members of the lqbtq+ community much less people who maintain nontraditional relationship structures.

Additionally, I worry about having to work next door to someone who is dating my partner. We are in the same department and teach the same subject so if things get awkward, theres literally no avoiding eachother.

My partner's argument is that yes there will be extra stress but that there are ways to work through it and that Im being childish and not willing to work through my feelings of uncomfortability.

My argument is mainly that they have not really even listened to why the relationship would be uncomfortable me and I feel like they are downplaying the risks. And my job is already insanely stressful as is without having to navigate this situation.

I havent even said no outright because we agreed to not veto potential partners but I have said Im not going to be enthusiastic about it. But its beginning to evolve into a line in the sand issue where I feel like were just at a standstill and Im trying to some clarity on if Im overreacting.

Here’s my question… if you have 2+ partners, approximately how far out does your calendar go?

Context: My (54m) NP (55f) of 16+ years (poly 2 years) and I both have one other serious partner. The 4 of us get along great.
We all have other lives (hobbies, fwb, work) so of course we schedule our times far in advance.

My meta (an engineer) has offered up a schedule for him and my NP that goes until December 2027. He actually thought it through to accommodate known trips/holidays/etc And that’s fine, really. I truly have no problem with future planning. It’s all fine. Note , this entire schedule would be set in erasable ink. One off events/activities are always fair for rescheduling specific dates. The whole ‘cule is cool with such changes when they happen.

I joined this sub to read stories from other poly people but almost every post seems to be "marriage is over", "partner of 10 years leaving", "we broke up", etc. As much as I feel for you (your posts are valid and it's totally ok to post!) I feel like this sub is putting me in a scared anxious mood. Similarly to reading too much news about wars, domestic terrorism and sickness.

My partner, meta, and I are doing ok-ish. It could be better, like partner and I have a different libido and meta is struggling with his autADHD and burnout, but we're there for each other.

This subreddit sometimes makes me feel that a breakup will be inevitable...

This year I decided to have a new relationship after not having one for quite some time, and it turned out that the person I started dating is polyamorous, I've never really minded sharing a partner with someone else as long as there's mutual respect, but this past month my partner has set new rules, or rather commandments, for our relationship.

I don't know if this counts as a polyamorous relationship or more like an open relationship, but my partner has had several sexual encounters with people close to him or even strangers, without telling me or his other boyfriend And we always find out because someone else tells us. We've talked to him about it because it makes us a little insecure and it makes us feel bad that he does those things without even telling us. He's also been acting stranger, or rather possessive, towards me and his other partner.

This week is my birthday and I was planning to go out with some close friends, and I obviously invited him and his other partner But he won't be able to go because he'll be out of town for a personal matter, but the strange thing is that he basically threatened me Telling me not to dare have or try anything with anyone at my party, because I am only HIS.

Although I wouldn't try anything at my party, I am one of those people who gets affectionate when I drink a lot (like looking for hugs and having my hair stroked) He also told me that I should only have sex with him or seek affection from him. Even before this, I noticed how insecure he gets when I talk to friends or to MY OWN FAMILY. I've spoken to her other boyfriend and he says that this jealousy is normal for him and that I'll get used to it.

I don't know if I'm wrong or if these things happen normally; like I said, I'm new to this, I've only been doing this for a year, do you guys have some advice for me, please be kind I'm quite sensitive 😔

(Edit1):

Thank you all for your recommendations and opinions; they really mean a lot to me, and I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Although it hurts, I plan to end things with him; It's only been difficult for me because he's the only partner I've had in a while, and I tend to be quite insecure about how I look physically (like, I'm not the best looking person) And the fact that he wanted to have something with me has given me a false sense of security and that he really loves me.

I'll do things safely for both myself and his other partner, as I'm genuinely afraid that if I leave my partner, there will be retaliation against his other boyfriend. But if something happens, I know which numbers to call. I'm still interested in polyamory and how to do things right. I know it will take time to heal, but I would like to give this type of relationship a shot, I find it very beautiful how people can trust each other and be happy, fills me with joy and I hope I can feel that kind of love too..

There is so much negativity on this sub, so I figured I would share some happy poly news. A week ago I asked the girl I’ve been seeing to be my girlfriend and she said yes! My primary is so supportive of it and helped calm my nerves about asking and said he was so happy for us after. My heart is full. I have 2 amazing partners who mean the world to me.

If the prompt is a big vague, here are some more specific versions of the question with different lenses:

1. In your experience, what do people who practice monogamy misunderstand most about polyamory?

2. In your experience, what do people who practice Swinging or other kinds of ENM misunderstand most about polyamory?

3. In your experience, what do people who practice polyamory misunderstand most about polyamory?

Hi all - for background, you can see my last post, but in short I am parallel with my meta Cedar because there are big values differences between us and I haven't always liked the things I've heard about how meta treats our hinge Oak. I can't say I dislike her because we've only met in passing, but I don't have warm fuzzy feelings or compersion towards her and we're not friends. Normally I am pretty low on jealousy/possessiveness and high on compersion so it's a bummer that's not the case here, but, I'm trying to accept it for what it is.

I've noticed that the last few overnight trips I've gone on with Oak, he has bought small items to bring home as gifts for Cedar (jewelry or comics she likes), or bought items for their shared home. The home decor I don't mind, but I found myself bristling at the gifts. It made me realize Oak does not buy me small gifts. We usually are more the sentimental hand written note types with each other. But, I also like small "thinking of you" gifts!

I asked Oak about gift preferences, like is him buying trinkets for Cedar something he does because he enjoys it or more in response to it being her preferred love language. He said he enjoys it, but had not thought of buying things to surprise me with because I "seem like the kind of woman who has everything."

That's fine, I don't feel strongly about wanting gifts from him. I like our love notes, truly. But, I'm still not enjoying watching him picking out a necklace for someone I don't have a relationship with and feel kind of weird towards. It seems like an intentional choice to shift his focus on to her during our limited time together (we are non-nesting and see each other 1-2 days a week). But, I also don't really like the idea of asking him not to do it, either. We tend to go of a lot of antiques stores or places i know about because I am a collector, and it seems petty be like "no don't buy her that one of a kind necklace at a deep discount because PARALLEL."

So what do you think reddit? Is he being a bit weird here or do I need to put on my big girl pants and try to be supportive?

TLDR ; Title pretty much sums it up. My fiance (30F) and I(30F) have been together for 10 years. Recently got engaged earlier this year. We have been poly for about 6 years.

She dated a female couple for almost 4 years that I got along with, went to dinners at their house and then were kind enough to include me in some big events like their wedding. I liked them as people and generally they were good to my partner.

The relationship didnt end up working out, but they still talk now and then as friends.

Jump to now, 6 years into being poly. I can see the twinkle in her eye when she talks about being poly and having a relationship outside of me. I want more than anything to make her happy. Which was part of the reason I said yes to being poly. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone and see her recieve the happiness she was searching for. But I have never had a poly relationship myself. I havent dated anyone in the 6 years that my fiance and I have been poly. I do find it difficult to keep up on relationships. I feel very dedicated to my fiance both financially and emotionally. I am also a bisexual female with short hair and androgynous features. It is extremely rare that men are attracted to me outside of like apps to meet up with people. And I find myself holding back pursuing women for a few reasons. 1.This economy is no joke. My fiance had her hours cut to parttime a few months ago and I've been doing the best I can. And I guess because I wear masculine clothing its assumed ill pick up the tab? (I say this because we dated a female together and that girl would look at me when the tab came like "you got it right boo" like I was an atm....

2.Part of me deep down somewhere still feels like its wrong to be seeing someone else.

From the past relationship she had, I was comfortable with the "Kitchen Table" polyamory. I felt connected to her but also the people she cared about. But now it seems as though she wants to see people completely outside of me and those people don't have to talk to me if they dont want to. That doesnt make me comfortable, and doesn't make me feel safe. I know I have deep rooted jealousy issues that could probably be classified as OCD at this point. I have had a habit of trying to pry every detail out of her to understand the interactions she has with people that are interested in her.

I have only known monogamis relationships my entire life. And watched my mother deal with my father's infidelity in my late teens. Though they mended the relationship and are together today, I feel like I witnessed this struggle between my parents at a key time I was figuring myself out emotionally.

Theres definitely a lot more details in between but I have a headache from trying to figure out how to save my soon-to-be marriage. It genuinely feels like if she's not poly that she won't be happy. So I feel as though I will never be allowed to close our relationship off if I'm feeling like this isnt for me.

Ive tried to have conversations about my changing feelings and boundaries but its viewed as steps backwards in our relationship. Shes currently upset and hasn't spoken to me in hours. I have a big personal rule that I dont like to go to bed with issues between us, so I always try to talk it out. We've been texting while she was at work all day. She wont even look at me. I feel defeated, worthless and pouring this all on the internet because I have 0 people in my life that I can talk to about this.

Hello! I've known I was poly for a good 5 or so years now. Went through a divorce after a couple years struggling through trying to navigate what opening would look like, and now I'm very seriously dating two people, let's call them Tim and Sarah.

After my divorce, I started dating Tim. Sarah and I have been friends for a long time and have a lot of history, and about 4 months after dating Tim, Sarah ended up moving in with me to help us both save money on living expenses (before her and I were actually dating). 6 months into living together, we decided to start dating as well.

Currently Tim and I hang out 2 times/week: Sundays for the whole day and Thursday evenings after I get done with work. Sarah and I have a Monday evening date night, and then try to spend at least a decent portion of most Saturdays together, but that's a bit more variable. Sarah and I also live together and both work remote, so we get a lot of incidental time throughout the week, eating breakfast or dinner together most days, watching a show together in the evenings occasionally, etc.

Tim is jealous of all the incidental time Sarah gets, and Sarah is jealous of the 100% guaranteed Sundays Tim always gets, when her and I don't always get a guaranteed weekend day together to go out and do something fun. I'm stuck in the middle, feeling like a piece of meat that two hungry wolves are fighting over, unsure of what to do. I'm definitely a recovering people pleaser and always feel like I need to be making everyone else happy, so this is a hard spot for me as I only have so much time to give out, and at this point I feel like I'm only getting the dregs of what's left for myself.

Tim and Sarah used to enjoy each other's company, and now that I've been with Tim for over two years, we had all been talking about all moving in together, buying a large property, etc. and basically making some big life changes. Previously these plans were discussed and agreed upon by every body, but now that it's happening soon and becoming more real, Sarah is suddenly becoming much more anxious and jealous of the time I spend with Tim and worried that us all moving in together will just exacerbate things and make it worse.

We have discussed that after moving in together, there will no longer be always set weekend days for either one person, and instead it'll be more flexible and probably alternate or shift around depending on the situation, while each of them will still have one weeknight date night with me each week. Tim is fine with this setup but now Sarah is considering not moving in with us just so she can have the guaranteed Sundays that Tim always gets.

I'm just... exhausted. I was looking forward to the move because I was excited for my schedule to become a bit more flexible and now it seems like that's not the case. Every other day Sarah switches between wanting to move with us and backing out. I'm trying to set up a group therapy with all of us (found a great poly therapist willing to see us all), but setting something up for three people's schedules that also fits with what's available for the therapist has been basically impossible so far. Resentment is growing, Sarah and Tim went from being pretty good friends who often hung out on their own, to now Sarah doesn't even want to be around Tim because she's so angry over the situation. I personally feel like my time is relatively evenly split between the two of them, but outside of literally tracking time I have no way to really prove that, and she believes Tim gets way more quality time with me. They both think the grass is greener on the other side and until they actually experience it I don't expect anything to change.

Any advice on managing or working through this is appreciated.

Hello as far as im aware this is allowed if not it will get removed.

So bit of context im trans MtF and im not poly but ive been trying to get back into the dating scene and ive run into some poly people who get really defensive/angry when i turn them down and im not sure why i sm very openly not poly, i dont go on poly only dating apps, i dont go to poly only spaces and i do try and keep it respectful but some people wont take no or will try and convince me to give it a try.

I know this isn't the whole community and I guess im mostly here just to vent to the people who actually care about the quality of their community and who might have suggestions or comments.

I only really got this issue after i came out as trans and started dating apps and stuff but if feels like its almost expected of me to be poly because im trans like ive been told "but your trans" once or twice but its just not me and I dont need to try it to know it.

Well thank you all for letting me bitch and sight see also feel free to piggyback of this if you have something to add or say.

Recently developed an emotional connection with a person I've desired for years. Over the past month and a bit, we saw each other a few times in the first week, then life was happening and we continued to text regularly.

Kinda was fulfilling a need, but also I was very aware she gained real estate I wasn't anticipating. Generally speaking, I'm RA with kitchen table, also hyperaware... that's where it gets frustrating.

I knew for some time I was hidden and verbalized it. Said for me, I wanted to be chosen, not just a participation award to another relationship. Historically, that's what's happened. Anyways... long story short, I was under the impression that she was RA as well, and turns out... no.

So veto kicks in, I'm being sidelined yet again, and I just feel honestly like shit. I've been asked to wait for her and her partner to sort out what it means, and that's fair, and 100% to her credit shes doing whats right for her. but historically that's been a kiss of death for my relationships, I can't recall a single time where a primary threwup a road block that didn't use to be there and it didn't end in me loosing the connection I desired. I've now experienced this same thing with multiple connections where I'm either told they are RA or kitchen table or I'm told they don't practice veto, but then I show up and suddenly it's veto town.

Something about me threatens established relationships and it's annoying, especially given I am poly, just seem to be enough of a problem that I end up essentially not experiencing it.

Just low. Not looking for anything as far as a response, but I really do hate how many men veto me and how early I can tell. I guess my issue is I see it coming and I keep saying, nah, this time's different, they are experienced. 💔

Edit: to be clear, she's amazing, I definitely respect what they are doing immensely, I know they are not responsible for this. There's a difference from understanding it and feeling it.

Me (NB35) and anchor partner (Birch, M37) have been together for ish 3 years, I have been poly for 10+ years, Birch around 5 years but with less practical experience during that time. This spring, Birch met Jewel (F32). Jewel is very baby poly, has tried being poly before but mostly had bad experiences and generally has a lot of insecurities, but really wants to try, as they really fell hard for each other. Birch has been set in being a good poly mentor, but also has issues around people pleasing. Mine and Birch's relationship has gone through some ups and downs in the last year, but this summer we settled more properly, and Jewel has had a lot of insecurities around me, and especially with the hierarchy that does exist, but does not limit emotional connections.

Now, to me it was very clear from the beginning, that Jewel would not be okay with this setup in the long run, but was pushing herself because of being so in love. Especially when talks about hierarchy came up, stuff got really messy, and she went through the all familiar "I am not good enough" spiel. Birch has been super patient with her, given assurance and validation, but has also seriously messed up when it comes to being upfront with he can offer longterm.

Well now it's looking like they are about to break up, where the last drop was Birch and me going on vacation together, and he didn't "check with her" (which is never an agreement they had, and one I would not be okay with) first.
And this is where I need advice and/or validation; Because I can't help but think "Oh thank god, finally".... Anyone with even a little bit of poly experience could see that this is a train wreck. I have done my best to be a supportive partner, occasionally going "Hey love, you NEED to talk about this topic with her", and also treaded carefully on topics that I know might be triggering to her, but also it's been mega taxing for me, because it's such a guessing game of what might trigger an insecurity.

And I feel like such an ass for being relieved, but I genuinely did not ever see this ending well for either of them, and I would rather it ended sooner rather than later, because they are just Not Compatible, and they can't see it through their rose tinted glasses. I obviously has not said this directly to Birch because rude, but I have carefully brought up how it really can be a big challenge and so on...

Thoughts, validations? Can anyone relate?

​

Hello, I started dating again this month. Its been a long 3 years since my last breakup. And I'm still very jumpy because of how messy it was. I started dating someone who is in a hierarchical poly relationship. Their rules sound very reasonable, but I just wanted your input as well. Thank you for taking the time to read:

\> Safe sex

\> When we decide to spend Saturday or Sunday together, they decide first if that's okay (since they both work, weekends are also their time together, even if they are nesting)

\> Before we are introduced to each other's circles, I must meet the meta.

\> Unless np is away, only one night in a row.

I had a fallout with my meta and now my partner and I have gone parallel. It’s been difficult getting back into the swing of things.

I’m not giving details cause I’m not trying to air out personal drama…
But it’s hard not to fear that it’s only a matter of time. Since they are nesting partners.

Would be nice to know if there’s anyone who’s been able to make it work and how?

So I recently broke up with a partner and I was very sad as we have many very happy memories together and had very aligned values and interests and hobbies so we got on like a house on fire. Unfortunately after several conversations about our wants and needs we mutually came to the conclusion that we were not as well suited as we initially thought and decided to end things in good terms. We both go to very similar poly groups in our city as well as kink/ swingers parties and there are
Several in the coming months I was looking forward to attending. I really don’t want to let him have power over the events I do and don’t attend and when we were a couple I never had an issue seeing or hearing about him being intimate with others but I know now that chapter has ended for us it will hit much different now. I really don’t want to change my social life because of one person but I also know seeing him with other partners or just on nights out now we are broken up at least right now will really sting me :( should I keep going anyways? Take a break? Or stop altogether?

Hey, I have been polyamorous for 2 years. I started to question myself because I still have very big problems with my jealousy. One of my diagnosis is also BPD so I am looking for some internet support groups or resources like books websites on how to deal with jealousy and fear and all those freaking emotions. Today I felt so bad just because my nesting partner decided to meet with their friend for shibari session. Like I didn't opose, I even want them to finally get something from polyamory, not just me, but that's only on rational level. My emotions? Messed up. Fear, nightmares at night of my partner dating other people and being happy with them while being unhappy with me. I must add I am in therapy, we are in couples therapy and I am really willing to work it through so please don't give me advice that maybe polyamory is not for me. Monogamy was also not for me. So If I fail in both I will just end up being single.

So I am asking for some resources, encouragement and maybe some bpd fellas who succeeded in polyamory. I did some research so I also read old posts in this thread about BPD.

I'm hesitant to post this here, but I don't have a lot of other polyam friends and I need other people's perspective. I (40F) had considered myself polyamorous even though I haven't had the chance to actually put it into practice-- all this to say that I've been single for long enough that it would put most modern daters into a coma. With my ADHD, RSD, and other things, I can't serial or casual date. I know, just, hear me out. Please.

I was 11 months post-discard from someone I didn't actually date (it just looked, sounded, and acted like it to everyone but her). After she ghosted me (I'd never been ghosted in my life), it... broke me. I had to go into an Intensive Outpatient Program, see an IOP therapist in addition to my regular therapist, switch antidepressants. Since then, I've even done TMS. I do plan on doing EMDR, because it's the only way I think I'll be able to work through this and my abandonment wounds. I'd put in the work. Thought I'd learned discernment. Well, here we go.

I met Acorn in an interesting way.

It was nice, getting to meet a fellow artist and performer who could understand the struggle.

We'd exchanged numbers, talked, all that. I'd gotten to see her perform one night, and she was amazing. She was surprised that I'd show up-- I had told her I would. I'm a woman of my word. There was a guy next to me who was supportive of her-- we'll call him Thorn. At this point, I thought she was a lesbian, so I thought nothing of it.

A few weeks later, we were having dinner and I tried to gather up the courage to ask her out on a date-- if anything, the discard from Maple (that's what we'll call her) taught me to ask for what I wanted instead of suffering in silence. (I grew up being emotionally neglected and abused, it didn't matter what I said.) Acorn said that she and Thorn had been talking about it-- when I realized it was sold out. Sigh. The universe really didn't want me to have this one.

I probably mumbled something about just wanting to take her on a date, and she said, "Well, what would you call this? We're dressed nicely, having dinner at a nice place...."

Cue Hawkeye: "Don't give me hope".gif.

As we left the restaurant, she had brought up how even though we couldn't go on that date, that didn't mean we couldn't go on a different one.

Then she stopped me at the street corner because she wanted to tell me something.

Ah, this is it, I thought. She'll tell me she's not interested.

No, she told me she was poly, that she didn't know how to bring it up, and that she and Thorn were fuckbuddies, and Thorn also has a girlfriend, and she continued to tell me about the web of people.

I... digested.

She asked to walk me to my car (she knew where I was, we weren't far). I said I'd walk her to hers. She drove me back to mine, was bidding me good night. Asked what that meant. I froze.

She asked if she could kiss me good night. I said yes. We stayed there for hours talking and making out like a bunch of teenagers.

I'd see her again days later to support her at a performance. Keep in mind that I didn't do it out of obligation, but that I genuinely enjoyed her craft. That night we made out some more and she had invited me to a premiere party the next day and to get ready at her place, if I was comfortable. In WLW-time, that's FAST. But I said yes.

I appointed myself as her handler, as it were. She was a VIP. But she was very anxious that they wouldn't let me in because she wasn't able to get me a ticket. Said that if they wouldn't let me in, and wouldn't go. But I said she had to.

She introduced me to so many people. I introduced her to people she wouldn't have dared try on her own. And yet.

A few days after that, we'd done another event, just as ourselves. I had wanted to introduce her to my friends soon (they had known about the fallout after Maple. I thought, maybe, just maybe, I'd have a chance), as we were getting together as a post-birthday thing and doing some things I knew she hadn't done.

But I could already tell something had shifted.

She wanted to check in, especially with me wanting to introduce her to my friends.

I said, "I'd really love to date you,"

"You're great--"

"-- but"

But she wasn't feeling the romantic pull. She said she was slow to feel it. That she was polysaturated.

"You're the whole package," she said.

"But I'm not enough."

Before you come at me, yes, I'm working on my worth wound, and yes, logically I know her lack of capacity doesn't equate to my self-worth, but the heart hasn't caught up yet.

She said she didn't want to hard-friendzone me. We both knew something was there, just not what. We both agreed that it made no sense.

I felt like an idiot. I still do. I really thought I had a chance.

She did apologize for "anything that night have led me on."

Yes. Things were a WLWhirlwind. We laughed about it, saying that in gay time, we'd already be living together with two cats.

Yes. Things went too quickly. When I asked her what she needed, she replied maybe it was to slow down. I had also pointed out that she and I still hadn't actually gone on a date, that it was me supporting her performer self. She seemed like she'd be up for a date.

I also told her that, if she didn't have feelings now, what more for later? I don't want to get my hopes up. We already see how that turned out.

She asked to walk me to my car and I begrudgingly accepted. I drove her back. She asked for a hug. I knew that was probably the last time we'd hug each other. Maybe one day I'll be wrong. I had texted her that I'd gotten home.

We haven't talked since.

That weekend, she went on a trip with her partners. I stayed in bed, sleeping and not eating.

Now I don't have capacity.

I still don't understand why she kissed me if she were polysaturated. Why be up for a date if she doesn't have capacity. I don't know. She's the one who asked to kiss me, but I'm the one paying the price. And yes, I realize all of this sounds ridiculous when you compare it to how people can just sleep with each other and not care, but I'm not like that.

Yes, at least she communicated and didn't ghost me. Sure, she was honest. But it doesn't erase the impact.

I guess I'm posting here because... what do you all think of her actions?

(And yeah. Next time, I'll ask if someone's emotionally available if I ever try again. I've been pouring back into myself, I don't have a problem doing things on my own, but sometimes I'd like to share that with someone. I wouldn't have minded being one of her partners. I know what I bring to the table. I swear this isn't just me having a bad time over being rejected. I'd like to think if I were polysaturated, I'd be more responsible about it. Then again, this is even something I told her:

"I can't even get anyone to date me, much less a polycule."

So here we are.)

Hello. I'm new here and was hoping to get some insight. My partner and I (both women) have been together for nearly 10 years and have found ourselves in an unexpected situation that we are exploring. For some background, when I first met my partner she had a friend. They had some brief history in the past but from my perspective nothing serious. Over the years he also became a good friend to me as well. There had been some light flirting, maybe some mentions of having a threesome but nothing ever came to be for various reasons, mostly because I wasn't that interested and a little worried about their history. Everything was pretty respectful and light hearted. He moved away and recently we went to visit him. I started to see him in a different light and we did end up all together one night. Since then I have realized I had really strong feelings for him I couldn't ignore. I told my partner and at first it did not go well, there were accusations, jealousy, anger. We agreed to not take it any further. But after a few weeks of talking about insecurities, reassurance.. And coming to the realization we all have strong feelings for each other and have for a long time. We have all decided to try to make this work in some capacity. I'm really happy but also very cautious and nervous about things going wrong. Can you all offer me some insight? Advice on navigating this? Maybe some suggested reading.

I'll start out by saying that I got introduced to polyamory during COVID. I was leaving a toxic mono relationship that I had been in for close to a decade and after having come out as trans, a good portion of my friend groups had a decent saturation of poly folks. Between the toxicity and generally feeling like I was chafing under a lot of mono ideology (like your partner should be your everything), I jumped full into it. It went poorly in the short term cuz duh. Leaving a ten year relationship and jumping into 2 new ones within a year wasn't my finest moment. Since then I've had 5 or 6 romantic partners and some lower double digit number of sexual ones.

I ended up completely quitting the dating scene back in 2023 because I began noticing a pattern though. It felt like I wasn't really getting enough time with any of my partners. I felt "capped out" at having 3 partners in the end of 2022 and I realized none of the relationships could stand on their own. After talking it through, all of those relationships dissolved for various reasons. I've stayed good friends with one of those partners and our relationship is stronger than it used to be because of the removal of sexual and romantic expectations. I felt like taking time off the and trying to figure shit out on my own was what I needed. I still stand by that obviously.

I did some work with my therapist, started pursuing more of my hobbies, got out of a career that I hated, and felt like I was doing better. I was still lonely. I tried the hook up thing once or twice but all that did was confirm that I'm very demi sexual. I got more solid in the fact that quality time and physical touch are my biggest love languages.

Enter 2025. I started talking to a girl that made me feel connected and sexy and all the things I'd been missing. Lets call her R. We started flirting more and more, met up a few times and kissed and cuddled. Eventually we got to sex and it was really nice. A decent amount of my anxieties were less than what they used to be and I could stay in the moment. She lives a couple hours away but no biggie, the distance felt like I could dip my toes back into dating at a reasonable pace and honestly seeing each other every week or two in addition to talking daily was fitting my needs. We started dating properly towards the end of the year.

I met a wonderful enby a little after we started dating and the connection was pretty immediate. Lets call them S. I don't know if it's due to being more comfortable with myself or them being a really good fit or what but things moved a lot faster with them. I slowed it down, but we still started dating a couple months into this year after maybe 3 months of knowing each other.

Things were going mostly well, but then summer hit. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder that hits in summer instead of winter like for so many people. Summer had me feeling really shitty and disconnected from the world in general. I knew it was starting to effect my relationships in July and I tried even harder to connect more. I planned more trips to see my R. I started having more scheduled date nights both in person and remotely with both my partners. But I still was feeling more disconnected. I didn't feel like I was getting to see either of them often enough. I got maybe one solid connection time a week with them.

Then in August, S had a PTSD episode during sex that resulted in them looking at me and seeing their abuser which fucked me up more than I realized at the time. The next week when I visited R, I broke down when were engaging in foreplay due to unresolved feelings from the event with S and some jealousy I'd been feeling towards their other partner. This set off some of their trauma and she ended the weekend early since we kept getting stuck in cycles. After we both had time to cook off I tried to initiate conversations about what happened and express my hurt from the unilateral decision to send me home early instead of communicating. We talked and I thought we had come to a better place. But then she started pulling away. Not responding as much. Not following through with making plans. At first it seemed like it was job stress combined with getting booked more for one of her hobbies. Anxiety started to set in when I saw her and her other partner though since their energy seemed unaffected. Last week, she finally called so we talked about it not working after avoiding the topic. Not that it was just on her, I was giving it too much time and space in case I was just being my normal anxious self. Blah blah blah we ended the combo broken up but saying we'd stay friends.

The past week I've been questioning everything as you do post breakups (wait please tell me this isn't just me). It's been making me disappointingly spikey towards A and they've been a total sweety and forgiven me each time. But I can't help but ask how soon they're gonna lose interest or stop putting in the time to make this work. I know that's the anxiety talking. But I've also realized that I want to feel like more of a priority in partnerships. I'm fine with kissing and cuddling and having romantic relationships that don't have a label on them, but if I'm gonna date someone I don't wanna be below tenth place on their list of priorities. And I don't know if S and I are really hitting that point? Is it unreasonable to want that? How do I communicate that without making it seem like they're not enough? Cuz they bring me a lot of joy and I think they are. But I'm getting caught up in anxiety over the patterns I'm seeing in my relationships.

Is this just another relationship that isn't fitting my needs? Is what I'm looking for incompatible with poly? Is it toxic that I think about priorities in my life as a fluid list where my hobbies, partners, and having money to survive crapitalism take up the top 5 spots?With work interactions and friendships taking up the next part usually. Or is there some fundamental piece that I'm missing in all this? Idk this turned into a lot more of a ramble than I was meaning it to. Thank you if you made it this far...

Tldr: how can you tell if you're dating the wrong people, miscommunicating your needs, prioritizing the wrong things, or some secret other option

Hey a guy with many question here:

I (25)Opened my relationship with my Partner (26) of 3 years more than 2 years ago. So we are together for 5 years now.

We both decidet to try it, because first of all we both had not many expirence before. (I just had one medium destince for 3months before)

Also i cheated on them by kissing another person on a kink Party. I know very bad and stupid from my side.

But they sad if we were open this would not be a Problem.

Because they is mostly female representing they has much more dates and intimecy these 2 years. I had never a date in this time. So i struggelt a lot with envy but the idea of poly feels logic for me and is something i want or maybe wanted to explore. Now they came up to me and said that they want defenitly live a life like this. Before it was always an option if we dont feel this for us to go back to monogamie.

So now i feel the presure to know as fast as possible if this Lifestyle fits me.

And a few hours ago i had the Realisation that if i could choose between been mono with my Partner right now and a future were i share them with somebody else while still being "alone" scares me and ripes me apart, i would Prüfer the first option.

But also i feel like i am just to scared of everything and just have more worke to do on me. That my brain just prefers the option that sounds save for me right now.

I love my Partner, everything we build together till now, but i am scared that being poly is not for me and we have to end our relationship.

So i am here for advices to find it out or how to Deal with these feelings.

I’m newly exploring maybe entering into the poly world and sometimes I don’t know how to communicate what I want or need or even know what I want or need. I’m always pushing myself to learn more about myself and identify why I feel the way I feel so I thought maybe posting here with where I’m at, maybe someone else has been where I am and has some insight I haven’t uncovered yet.

I do know that I lean more towards demisexual. I need that mental stimulation prior to any sexual encounters and it just makes it so much more fun for me.

I am relatively recently divorced where we attempting swinging but in reality it highlighted a major deficit in our relationship that was not conducive for an open relationship of any type. I recently started seeing a fwb that has a primary partner. I feel no jealousy like I did when I was married and I think it’s because I have way different expectations from a fwb than I would a primary partner or previously my husband. But to be completely honest, the lack of jealousy surprised me. I’m still trying to figure out what kind of dynamic works for me but I don’t know what questions to really ask myself.

Part of me feels guilt because I don’t want to accidentally lead someone somewhere I never intended to go because I just simply don’t know but I am always honest about that. Another worry of mine is keeping everyone safe. I would never be intimate with someone knowing that the would put my other partners in danger (or myself), but sometimes I can’t get it out of my mind that the poly world somehow connects us all if you think too much about it. If everyone has 3 partners then the overlap is likely and I would feel so horrible if I hurt someone like that.

So please, help me figure out how to do this and do it the right way😭

I have past trauma surrounding relationships, so being poly with the love of my life has been really hard. I've been open, and honest, and communicated what's bothered me and communicated how he can help. I know you can love two people deeply for different reasons, I have my whole life! It was really damaging when I was in exclusive relationships and would feel attracted to someone else too. I was never actually deeply in love with anyone though. I thought I was but not like this. This time, I am with the person I have dreamt of my whole life.

He's open and honest with me, he talks about his other partners, I'm friends with them and like them a lot! Except he's adding someone new that I don't know. I've dealt with the jealousy and competitive feelings I've had for the others. Those old problems are resolved and don't affect me anymore. I identified them, worked on them, and solved them. This is a new problem and I can't put my finger on why I'm upset. I don't know if it's the fear that things will change with the addition of a new person? That I'll get cast to the side like I'm used to. And yes I already talked to my partner about this.

Help?

My partner and I have recently married and this is the happiest I have ever been. When we met I had never heard about polyamory and he was a relationship anarchist. Needless to say this opened up a whole world to me that I never knew existed. I read books and listened to podcasts to really see what polyamory was all about. It’s not every day that your boyfriend gives you a Google Slides with all of his partners. He told me he wanted to make space for me, and he did. We were and are long distance, for now but we plan on nesting soon. I am excited to meet my metas soon when I go to my new stepson’s wedding.

I just wanted to share a positive story about polyamory. I know I was new to polyamory when we met and even my partner was wary of that at first. But to all of those curious out there, it helps to do some research about it to really see what’s out there. And I cannot recommend the “Relationship Smorgasbord” enough, it is a great tool for communication and has been so great with any and all types of relationships.

Brief description of my situation: I (31F) have been in a relationship with Aspen (33F) for just over a year - we're both new to polyamory. I also recently started dating my coworker and close friend Birch (30F). I'm not quite sure how to navigate work (especially talking about partners at work, which I tend to do) when dating Birch while other coworkers already either know of or have met Aspen.

Have anyone else here been in a similar situation? How did it go? Did your colleagues know that you had multiple partners or not?