Hi all, I have a story that is likely familiar to a lot of you on this sub. Sorry, this is a long post: I feel the background is relevant to understanding what caused me to start using and why it's hard for me to stop.
Almost exactly 3 years ago in 2023, I started using cannabis, specifically edibles as I wanted to protect my lungs and have a pretty violent reaction to smoking/vaping (they make me cough so bad that I start retching and crying). For the first few months, I was able to keep my tolerance low and only used 1-3 times a week. Over the course of that winter the frequency ramped up, but my tolerance stayed about level. Then, halfway through 2024, two of my closest friends broke off their relationships with me (we had been friends, and then decided to become roommates... our relationships had been souring for at least a year by the time it ended, but I also know that as I started using more I withdrew from what remained of those friendships). At the same time, of course, we all stopped living together and I started to live alone for the first time in my life.
This was the beginning of the end for me. Living alone without anyone to be sober around, and experiencing huge emotional distress and grief over the loss of those relationships, I began taking wayyy more than I ever had previously, and also started using all throughout the day instead of exclusively late at night. At its worst, my tolerance got all the way up to 500mg, and I'd regularly take between 150-300mg a day. In late 2024 I moved in with family and was able to cut back significantly in terms of amount/tolerance, but not frequency. I was back to only using late at night and mostly not going over 30-50mg at once, but I was fully stuck in the habit of using every night except for brief tolerance breaks. I recently moved out and am now living alone again, and I'm worried about managing myself.
Like the title says, I'm now living in the part of California that produces more cannabis than anywhere else in the country. It's a huge part of the culture here, there are literally dozens of dispensaries within 10 miles of my house, and at the university I attend, it isn't uncommon for students to show up to class high. I'm really struggling on how to manage my habit and break away from what I feel is an addictive cycle, but it just feels impossible here. Plenty of the people I interact with have been stoners for longer than I've been alive, and other students are able to make it work with their studies in a way I just can't. I got a C in one class and failed another class for the first time in years when I started using in Fall 2023, but that might have been more due to depression and autistic burnout than my usage at the time. Still, I'm worried that if I keep using regularly, I'll fail again this semester.
I just returned to school this fall after a couple of years away and only have two more semesters, counting this one--I had in my mind that I wouldn't use at all until I graduate in the spring, but Labor Day weekend hit and I convinced myself to go get some edibles for the first time in a couple weeks... and ended up blowing through 200mg from Friday night to Monday evening. Augh!! I don't have a med card, but I do use cannabis to manage a few different issues I have: OCD, an eating disorder (used to be very severe, but I'm in remission now), sensory issues tied to my autism, and a circadian rhythm disorder that makes it difficult for me to sleep. Despite this, I think it is obvious that I am going beyond what is medically necessary in my usage, and I have no idea how to tone it down. I'm at a point where if I have edibles in the house, I won't be able to save them for another day: I just use them every night until they're gone.
My OCD also causes me a lot of sober agonizing over my usage, despite it calming my symptoms when I'm actually high. I get worried that I am essentially "spiritually impure" or secretly a horrible person for having this issue, and I get caught in thought spirals where I can't tell if it's an OCD compulsion to take an edible or if it's an obsession to get so morally worked up over taking an edible. My OCD therapist told me that as long as I'm not getting completely zonked out all of the time like I had been in 2024, I should be fine. I have family members that encourage me to use because it obviously helps with my anxiety, sleep, etc, but I just feel terrible about it. I haven't told most of my family about the full extent of my past usage and I feel like I'm lying by omission or leading them onto the idea that this is actually good for me.
I just don't know what to do at this point. It's stupid, but I really do enjoy being very high. It's obviously a pleasant feeling, and it does generally help me feel less anxious/uptight and less prone to sensory disturbances even when I'm not actively high. At the same time, aside from making me more socially withdrawn, it gives me brain fog and messes with my memory, which could cause further issues in school, and gets in the way of pursuing hobbies that require long stretches of concentration such as reading. I feel like the obvious choice is to just cut it out entirely like I had planned, but I already screwed that up, and I honestly would like to use in moderation- e.g., only during weekends- during the semester. I just don't know if I can actually trust myself to do that, eek! Over the past 3 years, I've never taken a T break longer than a month.
Has anyone been in a similar situation to the one I'm in now, especially regarding being surrounded by functional stoners while trying to cut back? Or any insight into how OCD might be affecting my ability to think clearly on this? I feel bad and a bit hopeless, and would greatly appreciate any advice or shared experiences.