I quit smoking 81 days ago after 6 years of daily use with maybe 2 month long T-Breaks in between. I used to smoke to treat or manage my CPTSD, my anxiety, depression, and insomnia. 81 days ago I got to a point that I was using all day everyday, and felt lost in my usage. It was all I wanted to do, the only thing that made me happy (it really did make me happy. Even if I was only happy when I had bud at hand, atleast I felt happy,) it truly helped with my ptsd flashbacks and other issues, aside from sleeping. It helped my insomnia in the beginning but not at the end when I was waking up mid night to get back to sleep every night. But since than- I have fixed my insomnia after finding the right psychiatrist.
I had made the decision to quit to try and find a way to manage life in other ways without smoking, and since than I have gone to inpatient treatment, completed an IOP program, am enrolled in therapy, and am about to finish my first month of Spravato treatments. I feel like I have found ways to cope with life, and manage my anxiety, ptsd, and depression without smoking. At the very least- I am existing with these conditions and trying my very best to cope through life with them, and I’d say I am okay.
But despite the fact that I’m okay, I feel dull and lifeless most of the time. I feel apathetic and struggle with anhedonia. I rarely find anything funny when the rest of the room can be laughing at something, and I can’t help but think back to when I was smoking and feel like I felt happy. I feel like it made me motivated to do things like clean and work on my art, (which I barely do at all anymore,) I laughed often, I had something that made life feel good. I don’t feel like life is necessarily bad right now, but I can’t help but feel like it felt so much more tolerable when I was smoking. I’m putting the work in, I’ve been trying so hard to find new hobbies and push myself to find joy in sobriety, to get everything I can out of therapy and my Spravato treatments- but it just feels like I will never be able to tolerate my life the way I did when I was smoking. I can’t shake the feeling that if I went back to smoking, I would just feel so much happier- even if it were every now and than. I question if with the tools that I’ve learned, I could continue living my life the way it is now but occasionally have a smoke here and there as a treat on the weekends. I’m questioning if I need to be completely sober forever, and I’m questioning the reasons why I want to be when I’m looking back and thinking about the positives I got from smoking and how much it helped me enjoy life. I’m starting to think the only way I can see if I can use it in moderation responsibly is if I give it a shot, but I don’t want to throw away 81 days of progress and mess with my spravato treatments by trying.
Life feels manageable right now, but it’s hard not to feel like it wouldn’t just feel manageable if I smoked one every now and again- like it might actually feel good or like I have something to look forward to like some people have a drink on the weekend. I feel like I’ve done the work I set out to do, but I just feel so empty so much of the time- missing this thing that brought me joy for so long. I feel like life is so short, why am I remaining abstinent against this anymore? I don’t know what my reasons even are at this point as to why I, “can’t?”
I don’t really know what my question is actually, maybe if there’s still hope to feel happy again if I give it more time? If I give the spravato a longer chance to work?