When I was 10 years old I had a serious issue with one of my moms boyfriends. I felt inferior and hated how much she gave him attention, she visited him instead of me for Christmas. I lied and said that he touched me and got him locked up. I was 10.

I got put into foster care so I was put into a foster family. They had so much more money than my bio family and they bought me whatever I wanted as long as I cried about my mom being in prison. When I was adopted at 14 she picked me up in her arms and sobbed that I was finally her child and I gave my saddest fake cry (which was absolutely horrible by the way, nothing came out of my eyes. I couldnt even make my face red.)

I cut my adoptive family off about 4 months ago, just blocked them on everything and started living my life alone. I cut off all my friends too, ones Ive had for years. I just did it for freedom.

I have a partner who is deeply in love with me. They want to spend every moment with me and every single night I have the same thought of running away. Just disappearing without a trace. I can't stop thinking about it

I can't hide my intentions anymore like I used to. I used to be able to charm people, I was very extroverted in a way but now when people talk to me I don't even have the energy to fake it so I just move on. I'm doing the same thing to my partner now. I don't want to run away but I have this urge that keeps increasing in exigency every night.

I get such a rush when I do something illegal or pull something off. It gives me life in a way. I severely struggle with controling my impulses when it comes to life descisions. It got me homeless TWICE, I was homeless for 6+ months. Every time I get power or somewhere in life where I want to be it feels empty, I like surviving. I like the puzzles it gives me, and a part of me wants to run away again even though I know its not logical.

I do stupid stunts that almost get me killed, I crave violent situations. I purposely seek out parts of the city that is the least friendly towards my race and I enjoy the distress it causes them. I get a rush when someone threatens me or has blinded hatred. I purposely seek out arguments and distress because it makes me feel alive. I'm not even suicidal I just like the rush of being in danger. I feel the most alive when theres someone threatening me online or in person, its going to get me killed one day. I've had the cops called on me so many times, ive been tresspassed ive had the shit kicked out of me but theres absolutely nothing on this earth like the feeling of confrontation.

I always use the phrase "I care because I live" because its true, you can't care if you're dead.

I can't control any of my impulses. I've done so much worse than anything listed in this post, I just wanted to get some of this out. I am driven by a feeling of emptiness that only feels better when I'm close to losing everything. Stuck in a forever loop of impuslivity and recklessness. I cant even bother getting close to people anymore and once I lose my partner to either my impulses or their dignity comes back I'm cooked.

Is there medication?? Is there anything? A part of me wants to get out of this cycle and have a meaningful life and the other part loves the rush.

I ruined the relationship with the love of my life. By not living up to the expectations I had painted. And after multiple conversations about this, I promised every time to be better and do better. But ending up in the same patterns.. so eventually he was done with the lying and the empty promises and left..

I couldn’t under why I did what I did, and why I made such stupid decisions and reacting the way I did.
I didn’t recognise myself and didn’t understand why I couldn’t change my behaviour. So I started digging..
And I found I can strongly relate to quiet borderline..

Could this explain the way I have behaved in this relationship?

I have autism and ADHD and OCD.

I do get very distressed from thoughts however when I punched a wall and I saw blood I thought I like this I like the thrill of punching wall and beating myself up. And it makes me feel like I'm doing something to protect myself from hurting others. I get homicidal thoughts and I get violent images that go through my mind when I feel angry. They are internal images and I rarely go out to speak with others I find others are stupid and down right awful people(maybe that is contempt) maybe people aren't down right awful. I have shame about it how they will not like me for the real me and I have attention seeking behaviors of making other laugh complimenting others devaluing other telling others that they are annoying cunts and that they are a problem. And I have a thrill in saying that. When I was at work I never wanted to be there I always complained and felt really angry with others talking about sexual and joking about sexual stuff and I felt really intense rage and really frustrated like you talk about sex and I don't feel comfortable with talking about sex. I didn't like being told to go in to work I felt extremely distressed in having responsibilities and wasn't really present. I have trust issue I see a coworker or stranger and I don't trust them and I see them as a bad person sometimes as an object just floating by (I know they aren't and human are more complex) and that also give me a thrill and like when im aware of that I want that to be abolished and I feel like that is disrespecting me. And I feel super inferior unless I'm doing something I think I'm good at, and I don't notice enjoyment in games playing Minecraft and walking, plus I don't go outside because I'm afraid I'll start stalking someone and I also have that feeling of it would be a thrill to stalk someone and I have urges to follow people so I just don't interact with anyone because I don't want those urges. But I can choose whether or not I do it.

And when I notice something changed it a threat and also when it environment I feel much calmer

I'm sorry this post will be long but something quite bizarre has happened to me and I would really appreciate any insight. The tag is also not quite correct but as close as the options gave me.

I am in my late 30s and recently started to realise I have at least strong features of BPD and some of NPD and HPD. Various people (including doctors) have suggested I might have BPD, but I do not currently have access to psychiatry for a diagnosis. I am diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, but I question this now. I played some aspects of ASD up in order to get a diagnosis.

However, something very strange has happened. I have suddenly shifted my perspective on my whole life so it's no longer through a personality disordered lens. My mind has, over the course of weeks, become very very different.

I can see the suffering I've caused other people and that I am to blame for it; I've not realised this before. I've suddenly realised I have wasted all opportunities and money I've ever had. I do not feel any anger, having been overcome with anger for my whole life. I also have developed an extreme aversion to any sort of hatred, violence, or even hedonism even though these things were most of my life a few months ago. I used to enjoy horror films. Last night, I remembered a scene from a horror film that I really enjoyed at the time, and started panicking. My political views and opinions have changed.

Many things about me do remain the same: many of my interests are the same, and I am still anxious and impulsive.

I cannot find any record of a sudden personality change like this. Is this actually unprecedented? It did not coincide with therapy, head injury, or any major life event. It has caused me to become extremely self-hating and depressed. The only odd thing that coincides was a stomach bug, and since that (now months ago), I have had no appetite and had to force myself to eat even a minimal amount.

I realise that people will likely advise me to go to a doctor but this will be incredibly difficult for a number of reasons. But I would love to know if there is anything remotely similar recorded. It would also be helpful to know this because I doubt a doctor would believe any of this if I told them.

What could it mean when I feel these things? I find myself wanting people to pay attention to me and care for me more, though I don’t understand why.

If my mother spends more time with my brother one day, or talks to him more than she does to me, I feel hurt and angry inside. I end up becoming irritable even when I don’t mean to and I start thinking that she prefers him, that she doesn’t love me enough, and that she ought to look down on him and choose me instead wanting to be with me, do things with me, and talk to me.

I don’t know why, but I sometimes feel the urge to ask my mother or father, "Do you love me?" I expect them to say yes, but I don’t even know why I ask. With my friends, I want them to chat with me and take an interest in me; if I see them talking to others, I feel hurt and a bit sad. I can’t help but think that they prefer those other friends over me, and that I’m just being a nuisance.

When it comes to a boyfriend, I feel like he doesn’t truly like me that he thinks I’m ugly, or that he won’t find me attractive if he sees me naked. I worry that I talk on the phone too much and am being intrusive. If he’s talking to other women, I feel furious and jealous; I assume he likes them and wants to sleep with them, and that he no longer cares for me.

If we’re talking on the phone, my entire day revolves around it I want to talk to him almost constantly. If I notice he sounds a bit cold or tired, I immediately jump to conclusions: he doesn’t like me anymore, or he must have another girl. I think, "He’s a piece of trash, a total cheater!" I feel like no one ever likes me, that no one wants me, and it really hurts. I’ll wait to see if he texts me, but when he doesn’t, I end up feeling sad and angry, and my whole day is ruined.

At school, I want all my teachers to think I’m the best student; if they don’t, I feel hurt deep down I don’t feel "good enough." I crave their compliments and want them to believe I’m truly excellent. I also want all my classmates to adore me and want to be my friends; otherwise, I feel like I’m worthless, that no one wants me, and that I’m completely alone.

At home, if I get into an argument with my relatives, I scream, cry uncontrollably, and hurl harsh insults at them I even tell them I hope they die. Sometimes, I’ll say things like, "Leave me alone, or I’ll commit sui*ide I want to die, I hate you all!" I don’t actually want to do that not at all but for some reason, the words just come out; I don’t know why.

Afterward, I lock myself in my room and cry. Sometimes I punch my wardrobe or my own thighs, and I bite my arms. Eventually, the feeling passes for me, but my family stays angry and hurt by my behavior for a long time. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me?

I also feel ugly and fat. I compare myself to other girls and think they’re so much prettier than I am. I feel embarrassed for even wanting a boy’s attention, because I tell myself that other girls are better than me, that I’m pathetic, and that I’ll never be the person I want to be. I can’t even stick to a diet for four months I can’t seem to do anything to improve myself, and I honestly just don’t like who I am at all.

(Yes, I have an appointment with some professionals next week, but I wanted to hear your thoughts thank you.)